A Seriously Damaged iPhone Ad

Hell, it may just be the worst iPhone commercial ever.

Never mind that, it might be the worst commercial for ANYTHING ever.

I mean, seriously- it's sixty-eight seconds of this horrible obnoxious woman chuckling, then giggling, then laughing at loud at the "inside joke" on her phone screen.  She's in public, probably surrounded by people who have to be there and therefore have to listen to her act like a sociopath pretending she's the only person on the planet- but that's ok, all that matters is that she's got her phone and she's got her privacy.  Everyone else in her vicinity? F--k them, they don't matter.  They can leave.  And if they can't leave?  F--k them just the same.  They are just going to have to listen to this lunatic make a nuisance and total ass of herself Because She Can.

Did Apple think that this commercial would go over well with the audience?  Well, perhaps not- comments are disabled.  I imagine some of the comments would have been on the racist side.  Maybe even most of them.  But I have to believe that a lot would have just pointed out how obnoxiously dumb this mess is, and how nobody should think it's ok to act like this demented woman in public.

It's all about privacy?  I don't get that message at all- if I heard this woman behaving like this, I wouldn't have even the slightest curiousity concerning what she was watching.  I would be too busy wondering what the hell became of civilization, and why there are never any heavy mallets available when you need one.

OnStar gets right what Geico got horribly wrong

I guess that if this were a Geico ad it would open with a CGI deer giving a high-five to another deer in celebration of causing a horrific accident that nearly cost the life of a human being because that's so LOL funny.

Because it's an OnStar ad, it just shows an actual deer drinking water in a calm manner, probably because it's pea brain hasn't processed that it's successful crossing of the road had any impact on a car or the person driving it....because those are concepts way, way beyond the ability of that pea brain.

In other words, the deer in this ad is acting like a deer, while the squirrels in the Geico ad act like....well, like scummy human beings, proud of themselves for possibly colluding in the murder of a human being.

Speaking of that human being, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt partially responsible for her predicament because she was driving too damn fast on a forest road, because animals can jump out at you very quickly and cause accidents even if you aren't driving over the speed limit.

A few rather obvious questions for the cops in this OnStar Ad...

If the police were capable of calling OnStar and having the service "slow down" the stolen car, why did they wait until they saw a kid in imminent danger of being hit by the stolen car to actually UTILIZE that service?

What if the car thief had driven on to a sidewalk and killed a kid?  What if he had smashed into some parked cars?  What if he had done any of a hundred other potentially deadly things he could have done while the police were casually tracking the stolen car from a safe distance?

While we're at it....OnStar can actually cut the power of equipped cars, not just slow them down.  Why didn't the police ask OnStar to cut the car's engine once it was within sight?  What if the stolen car had not slowed down enough to avoid hitting this kid?  First thing I would have asked in court was "why did you ask OnStar to slow the car down instead of cutting it's power?  You could have saved a life if you had done that very obvious thing."  The second thing I would have asked was "how long did you intend to just follow this stolen car?  Where you waiting for it to run out of gas, or kill someone, or what?"

So, Pringles....who IS this kid's daddy?

I mean, I can't be the only person out there who thinks that when mom says to her son "that's not really daddy," what she means is that the guy this kid THINKS of as "daddy" is not actually his biological father.  But as long as the kid THINKS that guy is "daddy," well, that's fine with Mommy, she's going to celebrate with some Pringles.

The important thing is that the guy who is paying for that house and everything in it keeps believing that he's daddy in every way.  Got to keep up appearances, because there's no Second Act for a TrophyWife.

Random Thoughts about this old Ensure commercial

The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!"  Seriously, WTF?  Why not finish off that....lemon?  Grapefruit?  Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator? 

Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge.  That's annoying.  Is the light really turning off in my fridge?  Now I'm getting paranoid.  This is going to keep me awake.  I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter.  But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?

Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet.  Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.

The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess.  I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine.  Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper.  I should make sure my fridge actually has one. 

Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there?  Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders? 

MLMs are the bane of YouTube, but pure gold for me

Every. Other. Commercial. on YouTube is some guy jacked up on speed standing in a mansion or (more likely) in front of his Maserati and Trophy Girlfriend waving his hands and telling me in a manic voice how he made five million dollars in six months selling stuff on YouTube and went from being a college dropout dishwasher living in mom's basement to owning everything worth owning on the planet.

In reality, there's no "Amazing Secret" to making money in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme.  It's actually very simple.  I'm going to share it with you because I'm Just That Kind of Guy- the kind that isn't satisfied being Super Rich and Successful but is so Big-Hearted that I want everyone to experience the kind of lifestyle I've come to experience, never mind that it would make no sense economically for everyone to be rich Shut Up Hater.

Here we go:  First, work is for suckers.  Don't do it.  Remember the Three F's:  Family, Friends, and Facebook.  Mine them for people who A)  are naturally inclined to want to help you out, B)  are greedy/stupid/gullible, and C) are desperate enough to believe anything.  You find enough people like this, and you are definitely on your way to that first Million.

These are the people who are going to do the work.  Explain to them how the company you work for sells Amazing products nobody else sells- products that are so Life-Changing that once people are introduced to them they are hooked for life and will shove fistfuls of money in your face to get more.  Sign them up and you'll get a percentage of all their sales while doing no real work yourself.  Doesn't that sound awesome?

Second, be prepared to deflect the complaints of your Family, Friends and Facebook recruits when they can't sell even five percent of the overpriced crap they purchased after you assured them they'd sell like crazy Without Any Real Effort On Their Part.  Tell them they just have to Believe in Themselves.  Tell them to Have Faith.  Tell them to recruit more people and then dump those essential oils, supplements and home-flipping DVDs on them.  Tell them how disappointed you are that you went out of your way to Present This Opportunity and now they are Being Negative How Dare They This is So Sad.

Third, keep your soul in cold storage and don't ever let it out for exercise.  I mean, what did it ever do for you?  Did it get you that first five million? 

Fourth, make an ad like this on YouTube.  Be sure to include the House, Car and Girlfriend the MLM made possible.  And don't forget to rant like a freaking lunatic because I guess that's convincing for some reason. 

Enjoy your New, Prosperous Life!  Glad I could help!

Another Made In America Work from Home Selling Not Much Sales Pitch....

You can be proud to work from home for PC Matic, because at least it's not fake anti-virus protection from the boiler rooms of New Delhi.  Nope, it's good old-fashioned home grown junk for your computer.  USA! USA!

I wonder if we're supposed to believe it's legit because it's expensive- $49.99 per year, according to my research (see link below.)  Based on the reviews, I'm not going for it- but I'm not a computer expert and I don't review anti-virus programs or anything else.  I just snark on commercials.  And this one is pretty vanilla:  Trust PC Matic because it's Made in the USA.  Work at home for PC Matic because your bosses are Americans.  Etc, etc.

Strikes me as kind of a two-fer:  Not only is this an ad for Probably Ineffective if not Damaging "antivirus protection," but it's also pitching another "make good money working from home" scheme which seems to account for at least 90% of Youtube ads these days.  So both the customers AND the employees have an opportunity to get the royal shaft.

I just figured something out.  The real reason why this doesn't pass the smell test is because "PC Matic" sounds a lot like "MyCleanPC" and "FinallyFast" and a lot of other fly-by-night Your PC Is Filled With Viruses Take Our Word For It Go Online and Download Team Viewer and Give Us Control Because We Popped Up on Your Screen "services."  Maybe try another name, PC Matic. I suggest Patroit Clean PC or American Eagle Antivirus or Freedom PC.  I also suggest you hire some rugged ex-sniper Navy Seal to sell your product instead of this creepy old guy.  But what do I know about marketing.

Here's the reviews.  Not all that surprised this page doesn't allow comments after seeing this:

https://www.reviewopedia.com/pc-matic-reviews

https://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/specific_search/PC%20Matic