Another Memorial Day, another BS "Salute to the Fallen" presented by AMC

..because for the umpteenth year in a row, AMC presents the theory that the only way to properly Honor the Fallen and Salute our Vets is to air a marathon of War is Awesome films featuring a parade of actors who managed to avoid actual service.

I am quite certain that what every veteran wants is to be "honored" with a day of explosions, machine gun fire, barked orders and oddly bloodless deaths dotted with faux-patriotic monologues delivered by the likes of John Wayne, Cary Grant, Steve McQueen and Marlon Brando.  Because what those old guys love more than anything else is being reminded how awesome those Best Years of Their Lives were-- except of course for the friends who didn't come back.  Well, they aren't watching television today so I guess it doesn't matter.

So here's another day of manipulative tripe, conveniently presented with plenty of long commercial (bathroom) breaks which turn those 2.5 hour films you saw in the theater to 5 hour marathons.  "The Longest Day," indeed.  But it's all for the Greatest Generation, so it's totally worth it.

Volkswagen's Just Sign Here Sucker Deal is back again!

1.  You're at the dealership, about to sign a stupid lease contract which will hand the guy across the desk from you thousands of dollars a year for several years.  And you're going to get up and get your own coffee?  To heck with that.  Put the pen down and tell the car monkey to go fetch you and your significant other the coffee.  And tell him to step on it.  You haven't signed yet.  You can turn all of the time he spent on you into a great big waste by simply walking away.

(Oh, who am I kidding- if you're one of the characters in a car commercial, you're begging to be sold a car and all the power is in the hands of the salesman.  I slipped into Real Life for a moment there.)

2.  Yeah, I'm sure the Sign and Drive Deal really does go that fast- don't want the customers to look too hard at the bottom line, after all.  Sign Right Here and No Money Down, so easy you'll be driving off in "your" new car before you even know it, don't worry about the fine print that's just boilerplate don't she ride nice though?

(And you get to enjoy this feeling of getting Something for Practically Just Your Signature for a week or so before the bills start showing up like homing pigeons*- for tags, title, registration, tax, and the first month's payment.  But that will be a fun week with your Felt like You Were Getting a Steal car, won't it?)

*Speaking of pigeons, I hope they enjoyed that coffee.

A Seriously Damaged iPhone Ad

Hell, it may just be the worst iPhone commercial ever.

Never mind that, it might be the worst commercial for ANYTHING ever.

I mean, seriously- it's sixty-eight seconds of this horrible obnoxious woman chuckling, then giggling, then laughing at loud at the "inside joke" on her phone screen.  She's in public, probably surrounded by people who have to be there and therefore have to listen to her act like a sociopath pretending she's the only person on the planet- but that's ok, all that matters is that she's got her phone and she's got her privacy.  Everyone else in her vicinity? F--k them, they don't matter.  They can leave.  And if they can't leave?  F--k them just the same.  They are just going to have to listen to this lunatic make a nuisance and total ass of herself Because She Can.

Did Apple think that this commercial would go over well with the audience?  Well, perhaps not- comments are disabled.  I imagine some of the comments would have been on the racist side.  Maybe even most of them.  But I have to believe that a lot would have just pointed out how obnoxiously dumb this mess is, and how nobody should think it's ok to act like this demented woman in public.

It's all about privacy?  I don't get that message at all- if I heard this woman behaving like this, I wouldn't have even the slightest curiousity concerning what she was watching.  I would be too busy wondering what the hell became of civilization, and why there are never any heavy mallets available when you need one.

OnStar gets right what Geico got horribly wrong

I guess that if this were a Geico ad it would open with a CGI deer giving a high-five to another deer in celebration of causing a horrific accident that nearly cost the life of a human being because that's so LOL funny.

Because it's an OnStar ad, it just shows an actual deer drinking water in a calm manner, probably because it's pea brain hasn't processed that it's successful crossing of the road had any impact on a car or the person driving it....because those are concepts way, way beyond the ability of that pea brain.

In other words, the deer in this ad is acting like a deer, while the squirrels in the Geico ad act like....well, like scummy human beings, proud of themselves for possibly colluding in the murder of a human being.

Speaking of that human being, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt partially responsible for her predicament because she was driving too damn fast on a forest road, because animals can jump out at you very quickly and cause accidents even if you aren't driving over the speed limit.

A few rather obvious questions for the cops in this OnStar Ad...

If the police were capable of calling OnStar and having the service "slow down" the stolen car, why did they wait until they saw a kid in imminent danger of being hit by the stolen car to actually UTILIZE that service?

What if the car thief had driven on to a sidewalk and killed a kid?  What if he had smashed into some parked cars?  What if he had done any of a hundred other potentially deadly things he could have done while the police were casually tracking the stolen car from a safe distance?

While we're at it....OnStar can actually cut the power of equipped cars, not just slow them down.  Why didn't the police ask OnStar to cut the car's engine once it was within sight?  What if the stolen car had not slowed down enough to avoid hitting this kid?  First thing I would have asked in court was "why did you ask OnStar to slow the car down instead of cutting it's power?  You could have saved a life if you had done that very obvious thing."  The second thing I would have asked was "how long did you intend to just follow this stolen car?  Where you waiting for it to run out of gas, or kill someone, or what?"

So, Pringles....who IS this kid's daddy?

I mean, I can't be the only person out there who thinks that when mom says to her son "that's not really daddy," what she means is that the guy this kid THINKS of as "daddy" is not actually his biological father.  But as long as the kid THINKS that guy is "daddy," well, that's fine with Mommy, she's going to celebrate with some Pringles.

The important thing is that the guy who is paying for that house and everything in it keeps believing that he's daddy in every way.  Got to keep up appearances, because there's no Second Act for a TrophyWife.

Random Thoughts about this old Ensure commercial

The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!"  Seriously, WTF?  Why not finish off that....lemon?  Grapefruit?  Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator? 

Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge.  That's annoying.  Is the light really turning off in my fridge?  Now I'm getting paranoid.  This is going to keep me awake.  I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter.  But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?

Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet.  Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.

The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess.  I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine.  Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper.  I should make sure my fridge actually has one. 

Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there?  Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders?