At Aaron's, Two out of three ain't bad!

Aww, look at all the helpful people rescuing cats from the highway, carrying injured teammates across the finish line, etc!  Really restores your faith in humanity, doesn't it?

Know what all those scenes remind me of?  A rent-to-own company called Aaron's.  You know, that chain store which rents and sells to people with crap or no credit.  No, not Rent A Center.  The other one.  Aaron's!

Aaron's is what you would get if you took the best qualities of people who would rescue kittens from traffic or create human chains to save people from drowning or throw themselves on hand grenades and put them into a store.  That's because Aaron's doesn't care if you are down on your luck, or you have a history of defaulting on loans, or you think that living within your means is for Stupidhead Losers.  They also don't care if you are only semi-literate and just want to be told where to sign your name never mind the contract just give me the jist of it.  In fact, they actually PREFER those people.

Because at Aaron's, you can find Low Low Weekly Prices on that Xbox, Big Screen TV, and Laptop Computer the meanies over at Dell and Best Buy told you were out of your price range because they don't love you like Aaron's does.  At Aaron's you can Get What You Need- like that gaming system- for as low as $19 a week.  How many weeks?  Who cares it's only $19 even you can afford that!

And Aaron's makes it easy!  REALLY easy!  I mean, it's as easy as picking out the toys you want and signing on the dotted line, Aaron's takes care of the rest- including figuring the interest rate (300 percent or more, but so what remember how low those payments are) and helpfully calling you to remind you when your Low Low payment is twenty minutes late- and if we can't get in touch with you, no worries we'll call your family, neighbors, employer.  We'd like to see Sears care that much!

And if you need more time to pay?  We'll work it out, that's what late fees and ballooning interest rates are for!  Check out the free delivery!  Check out how happy your kids will be with a washer and dryer and don't forget the Xbox and Big Screen TV!! 

At Aaron's we're all about helping Good People live their dreams, as long as their dreams include having an apartment filled with ridiculously overpriced used junk which literally sucks money out of the pockets of those Good People and keep them in a ruinous debt spiral!

Remember, Aaron's is Easy, Beautiful, and....something else.  Can't remember what that other word is, but don't you worry your empty little head about it!  And do NOT watch this investigation by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation into EasyHome, a company TOTALLY DIFFERENT from Aarons , those guys are just haters!  They don't love you like we do! 

Expedia: Air Sickness Bags not included?

Ugh, I can't be the only person on the planet who gets seriously nauseated from the camerawork in this commercial.  Whose idea was it to do all these zoom-ins, zoom-outs, and wipes?  Got some malicious psychopaths working in your ad department, Expedia?

Meanwhile, I can't imagine caring less than I do about the people in this ad.  They want to get away- so they get away.  Good for F--ng them.  Not good for us, because we've got to experience their fun getaway with dizzying-for-absolutely-no-reason cinematography which just left me queazy and mad.  I'm like that enough already, Expedia.  Don't need any help.

Born Free to be a clueless, inconsiderate jackanapes

So according to this commercial, having insurance means feeling perfectly free to be a completely oblivious jackass douchenozzle who simply couldn't give a flying damn about anyone else.

In a matter of seconds, while this idiot is singing "Born Free" at the top of his lungs (an act which should be a capital crime all by itself) he's backing into a parking space barely missing a set of parked motorcycles- but that's not the really criminal act he's committing here.  He might be frightening those bikers but as long as he doesn't touch them or their bikes, the driver is doing nothing wrong there.

Nope, the BIG issue is the fact that he's parking himself only inches from the driver's side door of a car parked in the next space.  That driver will NOT be able to exit from the driver's side door- if he just parked, he's going to have to slide over to the passenger side to leave his car.  I'm consistently amazed at how often I see this situation in parking lots, and I'll never understand what goes through the alleged minds of people who will do this.  Seriously, what if you returned to your car to find that you could not get into it from the driver's side because some sociopath parked his car three inches from your door? 

And the singer in this ad doesn't even HAVE to pull this crap- he could just pull in head-first.  Oh, but then he'd be eye-to-eye with the other driver when he opens his door and puts a nice gash into that other car, or when he acknowledged that no, there actually ISN'T enough room for that car here, better keep looking for another space?

Nah, just back in there, buddy, that guy next to you was just leaving- or, at least, we can assume he was just leaving, because that's more convenient.  And if he WASN'T just leaving, and he had to crawl on to the roof or hood of your car to exit- well, I guess that's why you've got that insurance. 

Another Memorial Day, another BS "Salute to the Fallen" presented by AMC

..because for the umpteenth year in a row, AMC presents the theory that the only way to properly Honor the Fallen and Salute our Vets is to air a marathon of War is Awesome films featuring a parade of actors who managed to avoid actual service.

I am quite certain that what every veteran wants is to be "honored" with a day of explosions, machine gun fire, barked orders and oddly bloodless deaths dotted with faux-patriotic monologues delivered by the likes of John Wayne, Cary Grant, Steve McQueen and Marlon Brando.  Because what those old guys love more than anything else is being reminded how awesome those Best Years of Their Lives were-- except of course for the friends who didn't come back.  Well, they aren't watching television today so I guess it doesn't matter.

So here's another day of manipulative tripe, conveniently presented with plenty of long commercial (bathroom) breaks which turn those 2.5 hour films you saw in the theater to 5 hour marathons.  "The Longest Day," indeed.  But it's all for the Greatest Generation, so it's totally worth it.

Volkswagen's Just Sign Here Sucker Deal is back again!

1.  You're at the dealership, about to sign a stupid lease contract which will hand the guy across the desk from you thousands of dollars a year for several years.  And you're going to get up and get your own coffee?  To heck with that.  Put the pen down and tell the car monkey to go fetch you and your significant other the coffee.  And tell him to step on it.  You haven't signed yet.  You can turn all of the time he spent on you into a great big waste by simply walking away.

(Oh, who am I kidding- if you're one of the characters in a car commercial, you're begging to be sold a car and all the power is in the hands of the salesman.  I slipped into Real Life for a moment there.)

2.  Yeah, I'm sure the Sign and Drive Deal really does go that fast- don't want the customers to look too hard at the bottom line, after all.  Sign Right Here and No Money Down, so easy you'll be driving off in "your" new car before you even know it, don't worry about the fine print that's just boilerplate don't she ride nice though?

(And you get to enjoy this feeling of getting Something for Practically Just Your Signature for a week or so before the bills start showing up like homing pigeons*- for tags, title, registration, tax, and the first month's payment.  But that will be a fun week with your Felt like You Were Getting a Steal car, won't it?)

*Speaking of pigeons, I hope they enjoyed that coffee.

A Seriously Damaged iPhone Ad

Hell, it may just be the worst iPhone commercial ever.

Never mind that, it might be the worst commercial for ANYTHING ever.

I mean, seriously- it's sixty-eight seconds of this horrible obnoxious woman chuckling, then giggling, then laughing at loud at the "inside joke" on her phone screen.  She's in public, probably surrounded by people who have to be there and therefore have to listen to her act like a sociopath pretending she's the only person on the planet- but that's ok, all that matters is that she's got her phone and she's got her privacy.  Everyone else in her vicinity? F--k them, they don't matter.  They can leave.  And if they can't leave?  F--k them just the same.  They are just going to have to listen to this lunatic make a nuisance and total ass of herself Because She Can.

Did Apple think that this commercial would go over well with the audience?  Well, perhaps not- comments are disabled.  I imagine some of the comments would have been on the racist side.  Maybe even most of them.  But I have to believe that a lot would have just pointed out how obnoxiously dumb this mess is, and how nobody should think it's ok to act like this demented woman in public.

It's all about privacy?  I don't get that message at all- if I heard this woman behaving like this, I wouldn't have even the slightest curiousity concerning what she was watching.  I would be too busy wondering what the hell became of civilization, and why there are never any heavy mallets available when you need one.

OnStar gets right what Geico got horribly wrong

I guess that if this were a Geico ad it would open with a CGI deer giving a high-five to another deer in celebration of causing a horrific accident that nearly cost the life of a human being because that's so LOL funny.

Because it's an OnStar ad, it just shows an actual deer drinking water in a calm manner, probably because it's pea brain hasn't processed that it's successful crossing of the road had any impact on a car or the person driving it....because those are concepts way, way beyond the ability of that pea brain.

In other words, the deer in this ad is acting like a deer, while the squirrels in the Geico ad act like....well, like scummy human beings, proud of themselves for possibly colluding in the murder of a human being.

Speaking of that human being, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt partially responsible for her predicament because she was driving too damn fast on a forest road, because animals can jump out at you very quickly and cause accidents even if you aren't driving over the speed limit.