SCOTTeVEST: Another product you'd never admit to owning...

Because the only reason you ever leave ANYTHING at home when you go for a walk is because you don't have enough pockets?

Seriously, WTF? Why would anyone need to carry so much crap around with them all the time?  Why would anyone WANT to carry around another 10-15 lbs of electronics, sunglasses, water bottles, novels, playing cards, notepads, mace, jacknives, Mentos, candy bars etc. while they are taking a walk?

And "breeze through the airport?"  Not so fast there, buddy- if you've got anything electronic larger than an iPhone in there, you're going to have to take it out and place it in a seperate bin anyway.  And if you've got fifteen different items in fifteen different pockets in that vest, get ready to stand at the Security Station for ten minutes after you've gone through the detector yourself while three agents molest your vest before handing it to you with sympathetic, condescending looks on their faces.

The most realistic parts of this ad are the ones that feature middle-aged guys wearing the vests.  I can totally see this being something Men of a Certain Age wear because they are beyond giving a damn what anyone thinks or have long since past that stage where they hang out with guys who judge their clothing style.  The guys who would wear those Forever Lazy full-body pajamas in public would be very happy in SCOTTeVESTS.  Anyone younger than 40 wouldn't be caught dead in one of these things unless they are already friendless and have totally given up on the idea of actually forming a meaningful connection with a fellow human being.  Well, at least they've got their electronic cocoons with them....in one of these pockets.....damn, I forgot which pocket I put my phone in again!  There goes the next twenty minutes!!

*I actually have a pretty good idea for a motto to be used in future SCOTTeVEST commercials: "SCOTTeVEST:  Now you can fall down, not get hurt, and still be out thousands of dollars!"

Wow, T-Mobile Sounds like it's going to be so awesome....someday!

So two years ago, T-Mobile put out this ad explaining how it was going to be "radically" changing the way people can access the network and use their phones even in rural areas.  The narrator sure sounds pumped- I kept expecting him to just say that T-Mobile was going to Kick Ass all over the country because it was engaging this Revoution of Ultimate Conectivity or something.

Thing is, I am a T-Mobile customer.  I live the Washington DC suburbs and have no problem making and receiving phone calls without ever experiencing call drops.  My ability to stream video is a little more clunky but usually not bad.  In short, the network seems to function very well here.  But again, I live in the Washington DC suburbs.  Of course it functions well here.

Every summer, I spend six weeks visiting my parents in rural Vermont.  I know that when I leave the house to do shopping or run other errands for them, I need to leave my T-Mobile phone at home and borrow my mother's little AT&T Nokia because I am NOT going to get reliable service with MY phone.  In downtown Barre- the third-largest city in the state- I'll get "No Network Connection" messages and on the rare ocassion I'm able to make a call, it will inevitably get dropped seconds in.  I can't check my email and forget about watching a video.

So it's nice to see that T-Mobile is dedicating itself to improving it's rural service- but, again, this ad came out two years ago.  I was in Vermont in April and had exactly the same problems I've always had.  For all the bluster and confident boasting, T-Mobile doesn't seem any closer to connecting people who live in certain rural areas (and seriously, it's not like Vermont is the Alaskan tundra or the middle of a 10,000 acre ranch in Montana.)  More Walk, Less Talk, please, T-Mobile

Back to Louisville!

This is the brand new hotel I'll be staying at June 4-12 while grading AP US History exams in Louisville; looking forward to checking out what looks like a pretty big (24 hour access) gym, swimming pool, and reading areas when I'm not struggling to keep my eyes from falling out my head as I fill in bubbles at the (also brand new) Kentucky International Convention Center a little less than half a mile away.

When I'm not working, working out, and sleeping, I'll be checking out the awesome fossil beds across the bridge in Indiana and taking in a couple of Bats games at Louisville Slugger Field (the Pawtucket Red Sox are in town the night before I return to the DC area, which should be very cool.)

Anyway, I'm assuming that I won't be able to post again until June 12 or 13th, enjoy the archives while I'm away!  (If it turns out that I can post, I may drop one or two here during my visit, but it's most likely I'll be too busy in any case....)

(I point out in the comment section that in this entire video we don't see a single actual hotel room; I guess the makers of this little film think that hotels are all about eating and shopping, period.)

Unintentially Funny Commercial from Car Shield

These guys are total scumbags, selling crap non-insurance to people who drive lemons and live in constant fear of a repair that will ruin them finacially.  Companies like Car Shield prey on such people by using that fear to suck money they can't afford to part with out of them on a monthly basis.

But I have to admit that there's one moment in this ad that just makes me break out laughing every time I see it.  That moment shows up at the 18-second mark, at which point the arm-waving spokeschoad stands in front of a hypothetical car bill which lists two items under the red letters "WHAT YOU OWE."  Here's what it says:

Quantity 1:  Replace Defective Part in Car  Price Each:  $4143  Total:  $4143
Quantity 13:  Labor  Price Each:  $100  Total:  $1300

Where to start?  First of all, will some mechanic out there tell me which car part costs $4143?  And as long as I've got a mechanic responding, can one tell me if they've ever written up a bill which says "Replace Defective Part in Car" without actually naming the part?

Second, why is the word "Replace" in the first line of the bill?  That sounds like a LABOR COST to me, but the labor cost is in the SECOND line.  Clearly the people who wrote the script for this junk have never looked at a car bill....or, they just like treating their audience like children who need things dumbed down to the point of hilarity.

Third, I guess the "Labor Price" is the hourly rate.  It's also the only believable part of this ad.

Speaking of this ad, it goes on for another forty seconds but there's really nothing new to comment on here- just another "All Covered Repairs will be Covered with your Coverage" extended warranty scam which will make poor people poorer and leave them holding the bag when they find out that the repair needed on that beater they are desperately trying to hold together Isn't Covered, Sorry.  Probably because that Defective Part in Car was Defective when you bought the insurance and you didn't tell Car Shield about it so sorry your Coverage is void check the fine print next time. Good luck paying that bill all by yourself (but first, seriously, ask your mechanic what that defective part is, because I'm still super curious.)

At Aaron's, Two out of three ain't bad!

Aww, look at all the helpful people rescuing cats from the highway, carrying injured teammates across the finish line, etc!  Really restores your faith in humanity, doesn't it?

Know what all those scenes remind me of?  A rent-to-own company called Aaron's.  You know, that chain store which rents and sells to people with crap or no credit.  No, not Rent A Center.  The other one.  Aaron's!

Aaron's is what you would get if you took the best qualities of people who would rescue kittens from traffic or create human chains to save people from drowning or throw themselves on hand grenades and put them into a store.  That's because Aaron's doesn't care if you are down on your luck, or you have a history of defaulting on loans, or you think that living within your means is for Stupidhead Losers.  They also don't care if you are only semi-literate and just want to be told where to sign your name never mind the contract just give me the jist of it.  In fact, they actually PREFER those people.

Because at Aaron's, you can find Low Low Weekly Prices on that Xbox, Big Screen TV, and Laptop Computer the meanies over at Dell and Best Buy told you were out of your price range because they don't love you like Aaron's does.  At Aaron's you can Get What You Need- like that gaming system- for as low as $19 a week.  How many weeks?  Who cares it's only $19 even you can afford that!

And Aaron's makes it easy!  REALLY easy!  I mean, it's as easy as picking out the toys you want and signing on the dotted line, Aaron's takes care of the rest- including figuring the interest rate (300 percent or more, but so what remember how low those payments are) and helpfully calling you to remind you when your Low Low payment is twenty minutes late- and if we can't get in touch with you, no worries we'll call your family, neighbors, employer.  We'd like to see Sears care that much!

And if you need more time to pay?  We'll work it out, that's what late fees and ballooning interest rates are for!  Check out the free delivery!  Check out how happy your kids will be with a washer and dryer and don't forget the Xbox and Big Screen TV!! 

At Aaron's we're all about helping Good People live their dreams, as long as their dreams include having an apartment filled with ridiculously overpriced used junk which literally sucks money out of the pockets of those Good People and keep them in a ruinous debt spiral!

Remember, Aaron's is Easy, Beautiful, and....something else.  Can't remember what that other word is, but don't you worry your empty little head about it!  And do NOT watch this investigation by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation into EasyHome, a company TOTALLY DIFFERENT from Aarons , those guys are just haters!  They don't love you like we do! 

Expedia: Air Sickness Bags not included?

Ugh, I can't be the only person on the planet who gets seriously nauseated from the camerawork in this commercial.  Whose idea was it to do all these zoom-ins, zoom-outs, and wipes?  Got some malicious psychopaths working in your ad department, Expedia?

Meanwhile, I can't imagine caring less than I do about the people in this ad.  They want to get away- so they get away.  Good for F--ng them.  Not good for us, because we've got to experience their fun getaway with dizzying-for-absolutely-no-reason cinematography which just left me queazy and mad.  I'm like that enough already, Expedia.  Don't need any help.

Born Free to be a clueless, inconsiderate jackanapes

So according to this commercial, having insurance means feeling perfectly free to be a completely oblivious jackass douchenozzle who simply couldn't give a flying damn about anyone else.

In a matter of seconds, while this idiot is singing "Born Free" at the top of his lungs (an act which should be a capital crime all by itself) he's backing into a parking space barely missing a set of parked motorcycles- but that's not the really criminal act he's committing here.  He might be frightening those bikers but as long as he doesn't touch them or their bikes, the driver is doing nothing wrong there.

Nope, the BIG issue is the fact that he's parking himself only inches from the driver's side door of a car parked in the next space.  That driver will NOT be able to exit from the driver's side door- if he just parked, he's going to have to slide over to the passenger side to leave his car.  I'm consistently amazed at how often I see this situation in parking lots, and I'll never understand what goes through the alleged minds of people who will do this.  Seriously, what if you returned to your car to find that you could not get into it from the driver's side because some sociopath parked his car three inches from your door? 

And the singer in this ad doesn't even HAVE to pull this crap- he could just pull in head-first.  Oh, but then he'd be eye-to-eye with the other driver when he opens his door and puts a nice gash into that other car, or when he acknowledged that no, there actually ISN'T enough room for that car here, better keep looking for another space?

Nah, just back in there, buddy, that guy next to you was just leaving- or, at least, we can assume he was just leaving, because that's more convenient.  And if he WASN'T just leaving, and he had to crawl on to the roof or hood of your car to exit- well, I guess that's why you've got that insurance.