Samsung Presents: A new phone with a feature nobody in their right mind will want to use

"Setting aside the "designed for this generation in mind" line for a moment...

Yeah right, Samsung.  I've seen people refuse to let old men cut in line at the coffee shop.  I've seen seated twentysomethings ignore standing pregnant women on the metro.  I've seen countless drivers flatly refuse to give desperate neighbors a battery boost with their cars.  And more to the point, I've seen people of all ages fight over the last available charging station at the airport gate.

Bluntly put:  No one's draining their phone battery to give someone else's phone a boost.  Certainly not a total stranger at a bar.  And the idea that it will become a natural thing to do because hey, they'll pay it forward, is an even bigger joke. 

How would this work anyway?  "Hey buddy, my cell phone is at 20%.  Can you give me some power?"

"Well, I'm going to be out all night. and my battery is at 80%...I don't know, I have calls to make and I kind of wanted to watch a podcast later....."

"Oh come on, this is an emergency."

"Well, ok, I'll get your phone up to 30%, how's that?"

"Ugh what a selfish jerk, forget it.  I don't know what's happened to society.  My kid wants to watch cartoons, and my phone is almost dead.  You don't have any kids, but your precious podcast is more important than my kid?  You're breaking her heart.  You just don't care."

"Um, why don't you just carry a portable charger?  I mean, the really good ones cost like thirty bucks."

"Go to hell you selfish creep."

Seriously, who the heck is going to volunteer cell phone charge to anyone?  I think people will avoid getting this phone so they DON'T find themselves constantly dunned for free boosts from fellow cellphone addicts who couldn't be bothered to think ahead.  In this way it's NOT AT ALL like the pregnant woman who needs a seat or the stranded motorist who needs someone to help him with his jumper cables.  This is about enabling someone's "need" to be on their phone constantly.  No thanks.  Here's a better idea- keep your phone charged.  If you simply must drain your battery when you're out on the town, carry a charger with you.  But asking me to drain my cell phone battery so you can stay connected?  I'm going to opt out.  I'll let you cut in line at the coffee shop and I'll definitely give my seat on the train and when I had a car I sure would have helped you out of a jam by getting your car going.  I'm drawing the line here though, because dammit, you need to show some responsibility despite what commercials are teaching you.

"Designed with this generation in mind"--ouch, that''s a pretty nasty slap at millions of people who happen to have been born between an arbitrary set of years, Samsung.  I'm insulted on their behalf.

PNC Bank's weird casting decision inspires an entire blog post....

I totally get that yes, it's a good feature if you can put a lock on your credit card when you note it's been lost.  And yes, it's 2019, "cash only" food or merchandise stands simply should not be a thing anymore (as far as I'm concerned, "Cash Only" translates into "We Don't Really Want Your Business" in 2019.  If you are selling something that costs more than $5, you better set yourself up to accept credit or plan on not having any sales.  It's 2019.  People don't carry wads of green paper with Presidents on them these days.  Sorry.)

But jeeeeesh PNC Bank,  that girl about to flush her dad's credit card down the toilet?  SHE'S TOO OLD TO BE DOING THAT.  That kid has to be eight years old!  Flushing valuables down a toilet is something kids 3-5 years old do!  NOT EIGHT!  Which means I just have to assume that this little aspiring actress is the daughter of the producer, right?

The Curse of the Insurance Spokeschoad

Agent: "This happens all the time, I'll help take care of it."

Sports Figure Appearing in State Farm Commercials instead of Winning Championships:  "What happens all the time?"

Agent:  "We get called by a sports figure who makes huge amounts of money while either playing for an Also-Ran non-championship team or retired from that team."

Sports Figure: "What?  What do you mean?"

Agent:  "Well, currently you guys keep showing up in State Farm Commercials.  You're well-known members of the Houston Rockets, a team which failed- once again- to win the championship this year. Hell, you didn't even make it to the finals.  But no problem, you're recognizable, so you get to be in State Farm commercials showing off your awesome cars and ridiculous mansions, pretending to be friends in the off-season."

Sports Figure:  "And that's really common?  What if I appeared in commercials for some other insurance company?"

Agent:  "Maybe.  Remember Peyton Manning? He won two Superbowls, but he spent his entire career in the shadow of Tom Brady.  If Brady hadn't been around, Peyton certainly would have won 4 or 5 rings.  But it didn't really matter- even when he was at the top of his game, and having most seasons end with a loss to the Patriots in a playoff game, he was being regularly featured in these ads.  Heck, he's been retired for years and he's still pimping for Nationwide."

Sports Figure:  "Well, ok but that's Peyton Manning.  Anyone else?"

Agent:  "Do you ever watch TV?  88% of our ads feature Aaron Rodgers.  You know Aaron Rodgers- he's the guy that douchenozzle Max Kellerman says Tom Brady isn't better than in the same breath he uses to call Tom Brady the greatest QB of all time.  He's the guy who has exactly one Superbowl ring from eight years ago but is still recognizable enough to be a State Farm spokeschoad."

Sports Figure:  "But they DID win championships. So there is SOME hope for me."

Agent: "Yeah, sure, sure there is.  Can you go back to being a bug-eyed idiot for an insurance company now?  I mean, it's not like you have a parade to be in or anything like that."

UpWork: When you don't know how to do what you were hired to do....

And collect a paycheck to do.....

No worries.  Just like there's a place for the functionally illiterate to go to have their grammar fixed (Grammarly) and there's a place to go to find unpaid interns desperate for "experience" (Reddit, Facebook, etc,) there's now a place to go to hire people to do the work you told your prospective employer you were capable of doing, which btw got you that job it turns out you don't know how to do.

UpWork essentially provides out-of-work Freelancers to do the thinking-and working-for salaried professionals who enjoy making that paycheck but have no clue how to earn it.  Take a look at the jackasses in this particular ad:  They are salespeople.  Their sales have leveled off.  Naturally, this is a big problem because they were hired to keep those sales up.  They COULD have a brainstorming session in which they try to come up with just one or two decent ideas.  OR, they could farm out some of their responsiblities- and their company's money- to UpWork, where some desperate choad in front of a laptop is eager to take care of their problem for a few bucks which will allow him to avoid homelessness for another month.

Employed lazy twits give eachother high-fives and celebrate with a round of Coronas after leaving the office.  Desperate Choad runs out for some more ramen before sitting back down in front of his laptop awaiting his next assignment courtesy of overpaid douchenozzles who can't be bothered to do their job but who make enough to pass on a few crumbs to Desperate Choad.  Life is good.  For somebody. 

And to think, I feel guilty at times when I purchase a lesson plan at 4:30 AM  from TeachersPayTeachers because it's easier than trying to come up with something for my kids to do so I can call in sick. I don't think this is quite the same thing.

Still....gotta love how this all works, don't you?

Jersey Mike's Hates Kids- and maybe Moms, too?

Ugh, this woman is such a nasty harpy.  How about instead of just yelling "NO!" over and over again at your obviously bored, lonely and frustrated son, you help him find something to do?  Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, woman?  You've got this freaking palace of a house that's so damned spotless it must be regularly cared for by a team of cleaners, you clearly have nothing to do with yourself until the Breadwinner comes home....so you're going to spend your day yelling at that poor kid, telling him to stop trying to stay sane by doing things that are perfectly normal for a little kid?

Oh, but then you say "yes" to....a slice of pig fat from Jersey Mike's.  Oh, good plan, Mom.  An imagination which distracts Mommy? That's bad and wrong.  Salty ham?  Absolutely, help yourself, Son.

This kid is going to learn very quickly that the only thing he can do that doesn't draw mom's gape-mouthed disapproval is eat.  I see big problems down the line for him.  For chrissakes, Mom, take that kid to the freaking park or at least out in the yard.  Or just admit that what he's doing indoors is perfectly fine and that the person with the problem is YOU because you can't bear your kid doing something that might make noise or a small mess.  They way you're going now, when your kid grows up he's only going to remember you as a screeching mouth which never stopped smothering his attempts to let his imagination take him places.....in other words, to act like a freaking child.

American Home Shield is at it again!

1.  The customers in these ads don't seem to be carrying copies of their homeowner insurance policies; nor do the agents have copies....yet, the customer assumed that the broken appliance (in this case, an air conditioner) is covered and the agent is quite certain it isn't.  Hey Mr. Customer, if you don't have a copy of your policy, why did you think your air conditioner was covered?  Hey Ms Agent, if you don't have a copy of the policy, why are you assuming it isn't? 

2.  In every one of these ads, the agent points out that some ridiculously implausible appliance-damaging scenerio IS covered.  In a previous commercial, it's a fire-breathing dragon.  In this one- and in a lot of the radio ads- it's a "zombie apocalypse."  The joke is that these things never happen in real life...yet in the commercials, they DO happen.  So is American Home Shield saying that we SHOULD have actual, non-scammy homeowners insurance covering things like fire-breathing dragons and zombies?  And that AHS doesn't cover these things?

3.  Here's one thing I know for sure about the customers in these ads:  they didn't have to pay for the opportunity to sit down with an agent and file a claim.  But guess what?  If they are dumb enough to sign up for a policy from American Home Shield, that's exactly what they'll do when something in their home breaks down.   They'll pay a "processing fee" up front before AHS will even consider their claim.  And, of course, that's only the beginning of the headache.  Then they'll get the run-around from the bottom-of-the-barrell one-step-above-handyman-drifter contractors AHS sends out to inspect the broken appliance.  Then they'll get one excuse after another concerning why what they thought was Covered isnt' actually Covered and after all AHS only promised to Cover repairs that are Covered, sorry filing fee isn't refundable make sure you get that monthly premium out on time byes!

Got a house filled with appliances?  Try to get a good, long warranty when you buy those appliances, but once they expire, just start saving money so you can get them fixed when they break down.  Extended Warranties are ALL scams, American Home Shield is just among the very worst of a bad lot.  You will NEVER get an Extended Warranty to pay off, which is why these companies are so profitable.  Well, that and the fear-mongering promoted in ads like this.

SCOTTeVEST: Another product you'd never admit to owning...

Because the only reason you ever leave ANYTHING at home when you go for a walk is because you don't have enough pockets?

Seriously, WTF? Why would anyone need to carry so much crap around with them all the time?  Why would anyone WANT to carry around another 10-15 lbs of electronics, sunglasses, water bottles, novels, playing cards, notepads, mace, jacknives, Mentos, candy bars etc. while they are taking a walk?

And "breeze through the airport?"  Not so fast there, buddy- if you've got anything electronic larger than an iPhone in there, you're going to have to take it out and place it in a seperate bin anyway.  And if you've got fifteen different items in fifteen different pockets in that vest, get ready to stand at the Security Station for ten minutes after you've gone through the detector yourself while three agents molest your vest before handing it to you with sympathetic, condescending looks on their faces.

The most realistic parts of this ad are the ones that feature middle-aged guys wearing the vests.  I can totally see this being something Men of a Certain Age wear because they are beyond giving a damn what anyone thinks or have long since past that stage where they hang out with guys who judge their clothing style.  The guys who would wear those Forever Lazy full-body pajamas in public would be very happy in SCOTTeVESTS.  Anyone younger than 40 wouldn't be caught dead in one of these things unless they are already friendless and have totally given up on the idea of actually forming a meaningful connection with a fellow human being.  Well, at least they've got their electronic cocoons with them....in one of these pockets.....damn, I forgot which pocket I put my phone in again!  There goes the next twenty minutes!!

*I actually have a pretty good idea for a motto to be used in future SCOTTeVEST commercials: "SCOTTeVEST:  Now you can fall down, not get hurt, and still be out thousands of dollars!"