Happy Independence Day, Everyone!..

Seriously, it's hard to imagine any company more perfectly capturing the spirit of what it means to be an American than the good people at Black Rifle Coffee Company (even the NAME screams "America."  You can have my coffee when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands!)

I mean, look at all of these examples of Real American Values at work.  Super-patriotic flag-embossed clothing.  Tats.  Sunglasses.  Facial Hair.  Wreckless use of fireworks.  Massive meat consumption.  Heck, we even see the wreckless use of a chainsaw to cut a watermelon- most otherwise Patriotic companies miss that little detail.

Anyway, I know that this is all in good fun and not to be taken seriously in any way, so please don't flame me for dumping on an Onion-level commercial because I've got a stick up my butt and I can't recognize satire.  I can, and did.  I just thought this was too great not to include in my blog, which By The Way reached the One Million Views threshold earlier this week (only took ten and a half years!)

So happy Independence Day, everyone, with a special shout-out to my neighbors spending their holiday in Occupied Washington DC-- enjoy the fly-overs, tanks rolling through the streets, and the other Fascist imagery more familiar to those lucky duckies in North Korea, all for the glorification of His Orangeness in the White House....and keep that crying baby balloon flying to let foreign visitors know we haven't all bought in to the idea of celebrating the disaster brought to us courtesy of Russia and the Electoral College....

Nostalgia Time: the McDonald's BeefSteak Sandwich, etc.

For a few months in 1978-79 I worked at McDonald's- it was my first real job making my very own pocket money that came from a total stranger on a perforated check with taxes deducted and not from a relative.  I was 33.

Only kidding about being 33- I was actually 15.  I hated the job and was stressed when I had to make hamburgers- I could never get the bun-toasting machine to work right and ended up crushing the buns almost every time.  I much prefered clean-up duty to food prep, and I would have rather spent eight hours hauling trash than thirty minutes flipping thin pucks of meat, squirting them with mustard and ketchup and placing pickles on them before folding them in paper....I can still remember doing that and it still makes my stomach tense up.  Nervous all the time.

Anyway, that's a long introduction for this vintage commercial featuing perhaps the very best food item McDonald's ever produced- the BeefSteak Sandwich.  This awesome juicy deliciousness was introduced while I was at McDonald's and when I lost my taste for everything else that restaurant sold for maybe five years I just could not get enough of these things.  I remember enjoying every bite and being sad when it was gone.  If could have afforded it (I don't remember how much they cost, but these sandwiches were expensive, and this was pre-Dollar Menu, so everything at McDonald's in 1979 actually cost more than it does today) I would have happily gobbled down 2 or 3 at one sitting.

I quit McDonald's after those few months and went back to being broke but the BeefSteak Sandwich went away shortly thereafter, so what did I need money for anyway?  Well, I'm glad you asked- in 1982 I went to Washington DC for college and discovered what is CERTAINLY the best BREAKFAST sandwich ever created by a fast food chain, and maybe the best breakfast sandwich ever created by ANY restaurant:  the Hardee's Steak and Egg Biscuit.  Oh. My. God.  I LIVED for these things- my Freshman year I'd regularly eat two of them in one sitting (probably 1000 calories, but I was 18 years old, no problem) with a big cup of black coffee.....just awesome.

Naturally, today I live in a world where even if I wanted to (and I probably would) I can't start my day with a Hardee's Steak and Egg Biscuit OR continue it with a McDonald's BeefSteak Sandwich.  In other words, a world that both hates me AND cares about my health.  I'm not grateful, World.  Not one bit.

I remember when dirty dishes and empty Coke cans were the serious roomate problems....

I'm old enough to remember when "Multitasking" didn't mean having the ability to watch tv and watch something else while talking on the phone, and instead meant being able to perform several tasks at the same time.   One of these sisters would consider eating, daydreaming, and binge-watching Game of Thrones multitasking.  The other would probably describe complaining about her sister/roomate while giggling for the camera multitasking.  I would not agree with either of them.

All that being said, this is kind of a cute commercial when you ignore the fact that these are two sisters whose biggest complaint about being roomates involves sharing broadband.  Then it becomes either unrealistic, or just sad, or kind of cool that that's their only major issue, or meaningless because they JUST became roomates and haven't realized they can't bear to be together so often, just more evidence that I'm too old to comment on commercials like this and need to just stay out of it.

Another of these casual "when I die it won't be a problem" insurance ads....

So this old woman's son expresses relief that mom is going to be ok- and mom's response is to calmly let him know that hey, no worries, she's got this plan to pay for her funeral.  Maybe she knows her son better than I do, because that's not what I thought he meant when he said he was relieved she was ok.  I really didn't think he meant "'cause jeesh, if you had kicked off, that would have cost us serious money and our Honeymoon in Ireland is only a few months away."

Anyway, Mom launches into a calm explanation of how she's got this awesome policy that will pay to stick her in the ground when she finally DOES kick off, and she's greeted with uber-creepy smiles from her appreciative relatives.  They aren't even asking her how she's feeling or when she's going to leave the hospital.  The IMPORTANT thing is that she IS going to die sooner or later- probably sooner- but it's not going to set the kids back to put Mom in a hole.

Ok, I don't know if that's her son or her son-in-law-- her body language suggests to me that's her son, so I went with that.  But would daughter-in-law be sitting on the bed like that?  Why is she sitting on the bed at all?  No wide-angle lens available?  That's just weird.

(Oh and BTW, I guess I'm supposed to know who David Denowitz is?  I don't, and I don't recognize this guy at all.  No, I don't want to be enlightened.)

Hey look it's the "the best companies are the ones that pay me" guy from.....um, today it's Sprint!

Someday, someone will explain to me why Sprint thinks that this annoying jackass with the Most Punchable Face on Television who has already demonstrated a willingness to pimp for whichever phone service is willing to pay him is at all persuasive in his arguments for their company.  Because I just don't see it- he's just an ugly knob who seems determined to get us to throw heavy objects at our screens.  Maybe Sprint sells televisions as well as phone service?

At any rate, check out the people in the background walking the dog.  Wonder what they are saying to eachother?

"Hey, what's going on over there?  Looks like they are filming a commercial."

"Yeah and that guys looks familiar....oh god, it's that guy who used to tell us one phone service as the best option available, then ran out his string and got canned, then got picked up by another phone service which he's now telling us is the best option available."

"Jeesh, what a transparent BS artist.  And with a really, really punchable face, too.  Let's move on."

Why does Geico treat it's potential customers like this?

Count how many times the idiot NOT acting like a child having a stress attack uses the phrase "help with homeowner insurance."  What the hell does that even mean?  Geico sells homeowner insurance.  It "helps" with insurance the same way a grocery store "helps" provide you with milk and bread.  What's with that language?  Is Geico afraid to use the term "sell" in it's ad?  Does it think we're going to become convinced that we aren't capable of buying home insurance and we need someone to "help" us through the process without actually taking money out of our pockets?  Does Geico think we're all a bunch of children?

Wait- watching this commercial again, maybe that's exactly what Geico thinks.  So it distracts us with this fat doofus acting like an infant at a McDonald's Playland instead of someone seriously considering purchasing a home.  And it uses language which suggests he just needs someone to hold his hand while he buys insurance- not someone to sell it to him.  WTF-ever, Geico.

Samsung is either confused, or incredibly full of itself

Hey, Samsung?  TV didn't "make history" when man landed on the moon in 1969.  TV captured a moment of history BEING MADE.  Suggesting that this means that television "made history" is like saying that Zapruder made history by capturing Kennedy's assasination on film or that Da Vinci made history by painting the Last Supper.  Pointing a camera at history or painting a moment in history after the fact isn't "making history."  It's almost sad to imagine that a large segment of your audience probably thinks that man landing on the moon wasn't such a big deal- it was television broadcasting the moment that was "historical."

Television recorded an event.  It did not create the event.  There IS a difference.

Meanwhile, well, congratulations on producing a somewhat Better for Some Reason Boob Tube.  just don't call it History, ok?  That word means something.  Or at least it used to, before ESPN and choads like you decided to water it down to the consistency of Bud Lite.