Go away, Infiniti

This is what I need to see this summer:  Rich people racing around having an infinite amount of fun in their automobiles, just going about in their day-to-day enchanted existence like freaking Gatsbys without a care in the world.

Marie Antoinette would be resentful and jealous of these douchenozzles and their party-to-party lifestyle which seems to involve The Rest of the World just getting the hell out of the way so they can park their LookAtMeMobiles right in front of the 5-star restaurant, million-dollar condo or exclusive beach so they can engage in the next Great Adventure Because We Can.

Seriously, all of the rich, entitled Eurotrash in this ad need to go die in a fire already.  Then we'd spared any more of these heartwarming Scenes From Our Perfect Lives Made Even More Perfect By Our Awesome New Cars.

Steaks and Shakes and Angioplasty

This commercial is not a product of The Onion.  It is not parody.  There is really a place out there that sells burgers topped with buns "slathered" with "real Wisconsin butter"- a LOT of it, if the depiction of butter application here is at all realistic.

(EDIT:  Just looked it up.  The burger depicted here contains 710 calories.  That's compared to 420 for a Quarter Pounder, 560 in a Big Mac and 670 in a Whopper, all  w/o cheese.)

I'm simultaneously horrified and hungry from this ad.  I want one of these burgers, and I also think they should be illegal.  I'm both relieved that there are no Steaks and Shakes franchises anywhere near where I live and also wondering if they do long-distance delivery.

These burgers look absolutely disgusting.  I'm sad to think I'll probably never get to try one.

Good to know, T-Mobile!

It's so awesome being with a network using state-of-the-art technology to make sure that I get all my downloads and can do all my streaming "faster" and without being "slowed down" by the little annoyances of poor connectivity.  It warms the heart to know that people racing motorbikes in the middle of a large city won't have whatever the hell they are being distracted with interrupted or even slowed down in the slightest by lame 4G So Very Yesterday service.

Meanwhile, I'm in rural Vermont for another five weeks with my T-Mobile phone, which can rarely find a connection at all and which I leave at home when I drive into the nearest town because I don't need constant No Network Coverage notifications when I want to check messages or, god forbid, make a phone call.  Well, that's the price you pay when you take your phone into a third world country, I guess.

(Two years ago, I used this same phone to make a call from the island of Capri, off the coast of Italy, as well as post photos to Facebook from the Vatican.  But I can't make a phone call from a living room in Orange, Vermont.  Thanks again, T-Mobile.)

What Colonial Penn Life Insurance keeps "forgetting" to bring up....

(Or "Benefits?'  Why are you talking about 'Benefits?' Sure you're going to die, but not for a long long time! Boy are you morbid!")

"I can't get life insurance, I'm too old!"

"Not true!  With Colonial Penn Life Insurance, you can get life insurance without a physical examination, regardless of age!"

"Well, I still can't afford it."

"Not true!  With Colonial Penn Life Insurance, you can pay as little as little as ten dollars a month!"

"Well, the rates will go up as I get older, so I still can't afford it."

"Not true!  The rates are locked in for life!  And as I said, you can pay as little as ten dollars a month!"

"Well, I'm not in great health.  No one is going to sell me life insurance with my health record."

"Are you deaf?  There's no physical examination.  I seriously just said that.  Quick, sign here before you can't remember your name!"

"Ok sounds great- oh by the way, what benefits are paid when I die?"

"We'll send you a super-convenient booklet where you can list your beneficiaries and last requests to your family, absolutely free!  Sign here!"

"Um, yeah ok- but again, what benefits are paid when I die?"

"Benefits are limited for the first three years.  It's that second dotted line.  Where I'm pointing."

"Limited to what?  And after three years?  I mean, if I pay premiums..."

"Which are locked and and can NEVER go up and your policy can NEVER be cancelled!"

"Yeah....if I pay the premiums and I die in say, four years, how much do my beneficiaries get?"

"Oh look, we're out of time.  See you in the next commercial for Colonial Penn Life! Tell your friends they can't be turned down and their premiums will never increase!"

The weird message of Credit Karma ads

If your credit score is low, you live in a tiny apartment, drive a beater, and your life is generally hell on Earth.

But if you get your credit score up, everything magically gets better- you move into a much nicer apartment or even get a house, you trade up for a car that shows better for your neighbors, maybe you even take up mountain biking because that's a rich millenial's hobby.

I get that what Credit Karma is trying to tell you is that a low credit score keeps you from getting low interest rates on expensive stuff which- unless you are really stupid- keeps you from getting expensive stuff.  This is a message that sells well to people who don't have a lot of money and are unwilling to live like they do.  It probably completely flummoxes the people with poor credit who head over to Rent A Center to fill their homes with big-screen tvs, sofas and game systems before signing up for ruinous car payments for a vehicle worth twice their annual salaries.  Because those people aren't limited by their low credit scores- or rather, they don't realize they are or are determined to pretend that they aren't.

Still, there's a very definite "get your credit score up so you can get deeper into debt" vibe that runs through all of these ads because at no time are viewers told exactly HOW to get those credit scores up.  We just see people enjoying the benefits of a higher credit score.  Maybe it's because cutting back on spending, paying all your bills on time for years, and making more money aren't quite as attractive as just moving your finger across a screen, magically moving your credit score up 200 points, and instantly reaping the rewards in the form of a bigger house, nicer car and cool weekend hobby- all of which are going to cost you money and make it even more important that you pay your bills on time.

A few questions about Domino's "Pizza Insurance"

1.  So the infinite number of times this guy demonstrates his total inability to successfully carry home a pizza will never faze Domino's at all, huh?  They'll just keep handing him pizzas until the end of time as long as he returns the damaged ones?  Really?

2.  What is with this guy that he is totally incapable of looking both ways before crossing the street or- let's just cut to the chase- doing basically anything more complicated than walking and carrying a pizza?  How does this guy hold down a job?  He's the reason the cliche' "can't walk and chew gum at the same time" was invented.  He literally IS incapable of performing simple tasks the average 8-year old could carry out in his sleep.

3.  The most unintentionally hilarious- yet instructive- part of this ad comes at the end, when our favorite clueless doofus throws his pizza at the frisbee players.....and they throw it right back.  They don't want that cruddy excuse for a pizza either.  They don't want to deal with your garbage, they just want their plastic disc back, and they treat that "pizza" with all the respect it deserves.  Along with treating this total idiot with all the respect HE deserves.

CarMax tries too hard

In another commercial, this same guy makes a total ass of himself working up the courage to ask if CarMax will buy his car even if he doesn't want to buy another one.  Not sure why this is so tough- I mean, if you're over the age of ten and have any social skills at all, or have ever been in a store or interacted with salespeople in any way, but there it is.  But I couldn't find it, so instead here's another featuring what I guess is a tag team of spokeschoads determined to treat it's potential customers like brain-damaged children:



"Acronyms are fun."  Oh, are they now?  When did that happen?  And is behaving like bizarre set of idiots for the "entertainment" of the television audience also fun?  What about selling your car at Carmax?  Is that fun?

Actually, I can answer that last question, because I sold my car at Carmax almost six years ago.  No, it was not fun, but I never imagined it would be and did not demand that it was.  I wanted it to be easy, and it was easy.  That's all I asked for.  It was enough for me, and I'd think it would be enough for anyone.  I sold my car, and I didn't buy another one.  Before I arranged an appointment I went online and did some very deep research to see if this was possible, and I found it after looking very carefully at the homepage at Carmax.com which stated "We'll Buy Your Car Even if You Don't Buy Ours."  You know, the same statement made in all the ads.  I actually would have felt very, very stupid if I had gone there and asked if they could pretty pretty please make me an offer on my car and not force me to buy one of theirs in the bargain. 

Oh, and the people who handled their purchase of my car didn't try to engage me in juvenile banter or try to convince me that I'd be having such an awesome time I ought to be losing control of my bowels and possession of my dignity.  They just told me what they'd give me for my car, I agreed, and about half an hour later I was out of there with my check.  And my dignity.  Unlike this creep who shows up again and again at Carmax to ask pretty much the same question to the same guy so he can get the same answer repeated in the form of a forced joke which is never funny.