Kristen Bell's experience with Enterprise does not extend beyond filming this ad, sorry

Just in case you were wondering, it turns out that yes, Kristen Bell is willing to pretend to be really into big trucks (to the point of being a braying jackass on tv) and renting cars and even reading a few lines about car sharing (as if she'd be into anything like that at all, I mean seriously please) if it means that Enterprise will give her a big fat check when she's done.

And it doesn't matter that even the most casual viewer can tell that she has zero idea what she's talking about at any point in this ad, or that it's beyond ludicrous that she's a spokesperson for a freaking rental car company at all.  This isn't QUITE as absurd as Magic Johnson shilling for Rent-A-Center or Shaquille O'Neill picking up a check bleating lines for The General, but it's pretty damn close. 

I know, I know, it's all about getting your face on tv whenever possible and picking up an extra paycheck while you can, but still....come on.  BTW, Kristen Bell apparently also does ads for Samsung Home Appliances- another thing I'm quite certain she knows absolutely nothing about.  If they look good I might get to them.

Auto Warranty 411- because funeral insurance and credit repair aren't robbing poor people of enough money, I guess

"Own a car?  Don't have any money?  Live in constant terror that something is going to happen to that car which is your lifeline to the world and without which you'd lose your job and your house and would be living on the street fighting the rats for the last scrap of pizza in the dumpster?  Well, you should, because a new onboard computer for your car could cost you upwards of $1600.  A new transmission could cost you $2000.  And since you barely own your car 'cause let's face it, if you fall for pitches like this you are probably very well acquainted with the Title Loan place next to the Dollar General down the street, there's no way you're ready to take on that kind of repair bill on your own!"

"Here's a Solution- and by Solution, I mean it's a solution in the way that Rent A Center is a solution to your desire for a big-screen tv or X-Box.  You can buy a piece of paper we like to call a 'Policy' 'cause it sounds official and then you can rest easy when it comes to car repairs. 

"But wait, you're thinking 'I can't afford an extended car warranty, I asked at the dealership and saw the cost and it's way out of my budget.'  Well sure but 411 Auto Warranty is BETTER than the manufacturer's warranty.  You see, with a manufacturer's warranty, THEY get to pick where you get your car repaired and THEY get to require a deductible, doesn't that sound so unfair?  With OUR service YOU decide where you get your car repaired- go to the licensed repair shop down the street, go to the dealership, go to the teenaged kid next door- we don't care, because it's not like we're going to cover any of the repairs!  And there's no deductible because, again, we aren't going to cover anything!"

"I feel perfectly comfortable telling you this because you aren't listening anyway- you're too busy looking at the black and white shots of scared, worried, anxious people (that could be you!) and then color pix of happy, pretty people hugging their cars (this could be you!  Why Not?  You could be happy someday and have someone take a picture of Happy You in front of your car!  Maybe that car is even in good repair and running! It's been known to happen!'

"So anyway, if you're already poor and scared and an easy target for vampire hucksters who want to take advantage of your economic vulnerability to squeeze money you really can't afford to part with into their own bank accounts, call this number and we'll have you signed up for easy small small small monthly payments and get that piece of paper that says Warranty and All Covered Repairs Will Be Covered and all that comforting but ultimately meaningless bs you're craving right now!"

"Because we care!  Really!"

Lincoln's Summer Sales Event gives a small window of opportunity to us Lessers

Most people see a chair and think "there's a place to sit down."  And then are the Much Better People who think that unless a chair is made of leather and is constructed like it should be in a museum of abstract art.  Otherwise it's just for those loser people who a chair is just a chair.

Most people think that you can't be inside and outside at the same time while driving in a car.  But you know better, because you are better- you can push a button and open a moon roof which of course is only available in the fanciest, most luxurious of cars (not like my 1985 Toyota Tercel had one, for example.) 

Most people see a car as a way to get from Point A to Point B, but you figured out a long time ago that an automobile (or Driving Experience, please don't say "car" it's so crass and common) is a way of letting people know Who You Are and Why They Should Care and Want to Be You.  So you drive a Lincoln with leather seats and moon roof and windows which allow you to be inside and outside at the same time, sort of I guess.

And it's summer, which means that a Lincoln is slightly less insanely expensive for a limited time only, which also means that a slighly larger percentage of the masses can afford one if they take out another mortgage or ignore their economic situations or are prone to make really, really stupid decisions based on an impulse which in turn is based on the theory that fancier machines with internal combustion engines will make you a Better Person living a Better Life (please note that the woman is this ad is driving out of a desert in her new LookAtMeMobile.  That's symbolic.  Really.  If you don't get the symbolism, but can still come up with $50 G or so, you can still buy this thing.  But it's pretty sad you don't get the symbolism.)

Continuing with My Summer of Luvs

This time I'm dealing with :59 to 1:29 of this Luvs Diaper commercial collection.

So with the "first kid," Mommy is a loony germaphobe who spends what she occasionally refers to as her "life" doing things like boiling silencers (or teething rings, or whatever those things are being called these days, they are basically just Shut Up Bulbs) so her Precious Little Bundle doesn't get any germs ever.  She has time to do this because she is, after all, Standard Issue Trophy Wife and her brain is constantly searching for some level of stimulation or, to put it another way, a reason to continue functioning at all.

By the time Second Kid comes around, Mommy is secure in her position as Permanent Wife (might be a good idea not to be quite so confident there, Mommy) and is done obsessing over trying to keeping the Offspring germ-free.  Or she got her head out of her a## long enough to learn that it's kind of not a good idea to keep your kid sealed in a bubble until it's too late for their natural immune system to develop properly.  However, she is still aware that her value to Hubby is very closely connected to the heath of the Heirs, so she is going to take the worst of the germs on to herself by sticking that Shut Up Bulb into her own mouth first.  This woman gave up on being a person quite some time ago.  One Person in the house, paying the bills to keep a roof over the head of the Children, is more than enough thank you.  Being a Person is overrated.

Oh, and where's the first kid?  She MAY be eating sand.  Or, she may be toddling into the street.  Or, she may be accepting a ride from a nice stranger with candy.  Mommy really doesn't care anymore because no matter what that first kid is doing, it's nowhere near as interesting as what's on her friend's cell phone.  Uh huh.

Ok, that's enough with the diaper commercials.  I'll be back at school next week won't be watching tv during the day anymore so I won't be seeing them anyway.  So bye for now, TrophyWives!  Back to cell phones, drugs, trucks and all the other prime time goodness from tv land very soon, I promise!

Weird Message framing from another Luvs Commercial

First, we've got a woman interviewing a potential babysitter who has a degree in Early Childhood Education but doesn't have a PhD and that's a problem, because to earn the right to be paid $6 an hour to watch a kid suck on fake car keys for a few hours you kind of need a PhD. 

But by the time this woman has her second kid she has no more f--ks to give and is perfeclty willing to hand that second kid off to whichever teen girl is willing to sit in her house texting her friends in the near-vicinity of that baby, or both kids, or whatever.

The unintentionally hilarious tagline is that "more mothers of second children prefer Luvs."  The strong implication is that FIRST moms are really, really concerned about their kids' safety and comfort, but women who are moms for the SECOND time are willing to settle for much, much less.  Luvs is the annomymous teen babysitter to the Other Brand's Early Childhood Education Degree. 

I wonder why they don't just put this message in the tagline- "Luvs Diapers:  When you realize that there's nothing special about kids and diapers are just diapers." 

Package of Luv's Commercials are going to keep me busy for a while....

I may do a "Part II" and even a "Part III" for this set of commericals, but for now I'm only going to comment on the first one, which runs for twenty-seven seconds of Anvilicious Stupid.

Ok, so in the first scenerio, we see a MommyWife engaging in a ridiculously age-inappropriate exercise of futility, attempting to teach her maybe eight-month-old spawn how to read.  She's doing this in the massive suburban mansion DaddyHusband provided as his end of the deal.  She's wasting her time but I guess as long as dinner is on the table on schedule and that house is clean, DaddyHusband's ok with it. 

BTW, where is DaddyHusband during all this?  He's walking around carrying a laptop.  I guess sitting at a table isn't an option?  Maybe he's afraid that if he's stationary MommyWife and Offspring will try to get him involved in all this?  In any case, he looks thoroughly disinterested in what MommyWife is doing.  You know, like I am.

For the second kid, MommyWife has decided to loosen up and just have fun with her children instead of trying to turn them into little Einsteins- as long as she's still doing the educational stuff too. 

DaddyHusband's still walking around with what I'm guessing is an updated laptop.  Still uninterested.  Me too.  What was this ad trying to sell again?

Lies and Sadness in this "Samsung Last Chance" ad

1.  We start off with a baldfaced lie from this "dad"- "we are a very connected family."

You know, just a few decades ago, that statement would have been a rather awkward way of describing a family that enjoys a great deal of warmth and communication, sincerely appreciates opportunities to do things together....as a Family.  You'd be more likely to hear "we are a very close family" or "we are a very tightly-knit family."  But "we are very connected" would have come off ok.

Today, of course, "we are a very connected family" means pretty much the opposite of what it would have meant just at the turn of the century:  what this dad is saying is that he and his "family" are "very connected" to the OUTSIDE WORLD.  Everyone has devices which allow them to retreat into an electronic cocoon and away from those other human beings they share a house with- even those little kids.  This is what it means to be a "very connected family" in 2019.  So much better, right?

2.  Then he hits us with the anvil of Very, Very Sad:  If this family's connections are disrupted or slowed down, the result is "chaos."  He's essentially telling us that the family suffers when it can no longer maintain that connection with the outside world at acceptable speeds.  The inability to stream a video, play a game, etc. creates a situation that is basically intolerable, because it creates a situation in which the members of that family might have to actually talk to EACH OTHER FACE TO FACE and stop consuming electronic media for a few minutes, an hour or (horrors) even an entire day.  Long-term, it might even mean that the family must make CHOICES concerning the consumption of that media, downright traumatic to people who are used to instant gratification from whatever glowing object they prefer to use at any given moment.

The "dad" in this commercial just wants peace in his house- which means, he just wants the zombies living under that roof to remain zombies, quietly living in their own worlds and - most importantly- leaving him alone.  A house filled with humans keeping to themselves is the dream he achieves with Verizon Fios and Samsung.  Why he wants this, I really don't have any idea- but I assume he's the same kind of parent who paid a lot of extra money for dual DVD players in the back seat so those zombie kids wouldn't talk to him while in the car, either, so this all probably fits into someone's idea of Paradise.