Just for fun, let's look at the plot holes in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory!

Let me start out by saying that I love this movie, and I actually think it's superior to the original.  For one thing, we don't have a bimbo Playboy model running around trying to act tough (or trying to act, period.)  We don't have Ryback enlisting a support group to help him carry out his mission to Stop the Bad Guys from Nuking SomethingTM- except for a single porter, he's on his own, which is the way the best of these The One Guy They Didn't Count On Stands In Their Way films always plays it.  Eric Bogosian is actually more interesting as the computer-wizard bad guy than Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones were as they spent most of their time just chewing up the scenery.

I think I just like the plot better:  Crazy guy is going to seize control of a killer satellite and use it to nuke Washington DC and in the process collect $1 billion from America's enemies.  He knows about the satellite because he built it, strongly suggesting Timothy Olyphant's computer-hacker genius character in 2006's Live Free Or Die Hard.  I think I just like killer satellites.  So I'm sold right off the bat.

That being said, Under Siege 2:  Dark Territory certainly requires the viewer to suspend his level of disbelief more than the original does.  Here are a few head-scratchers (let's stick to the plan and call them Plot Holes, or perhaps Plot Canyons) I pick up every time I watch this film:

1.  Why a train?  Sure, that's where the security techs who have the password to the killer satellite are, but that's no reason to hijack an entire train and hold potentially hundreds (though it appears there are no more than a few dozen passengers) of people hostage.  These techs could have been kidnapped seperately and brought together to be tortured for the codes.  Bogosian's character (Travis Dane) attempts an explanation:  as long as the train is moving, the signal to the satellite is "invisible," ok.  But they could have just hired a yacht for the day and installed all this equipment on it, and skipped the potentially dangerous (and alarm-sounding) process of invading an army base, stealing military helicopters, and capturing a train.  Just seems like an overly complicated way of acquiring a moving vehicle.

2.  The entire operation is planned down to the last detail, but is almost completely derailed (no pun intended) because Travis Dane brings only one copy of the targeting CD with him.  When Ryback momentarily steals the CD, Dane freaks out that he's helpless without it, and even says "this train might as well be a thousand tons of junk without that CD."  The necessity of getting that CD back costs the lives of several bad guys, too.  But still- at any time, that CD could have been scratched or chipped, and then your entire $1 billion plan goes down the drain....because you forgot to burn another copy?

3.  The abilities of the satellite weapon increase dramatically throughout the film.  In the first half-hour,  Dane is asked to shoot down a passenger plane and he dismisses the idea as implausible before (rather effortlessly) doing it.  Forty minutes later he's using that satellite to target and shoot down Stealth bombers.  BTW, he shoots down one of those Stealths literally two seconds before it's about to destroy the train- so close that wreckage from the Stealth rains down on the train.  The pilot had orders to destroy the train, but didn't shoot when he was on top of it.  Is the range of missiles from Stealth bombers three feet, or what?  And why didn't the "earthquake" created by the satellite which destroyed the bomber have any effect on the train which was right underneath it?

4.  Dane tells his fellow bad guys that if he targets the Stealths he'll have to "unlock it from DC and "won't be able to get it back before it passes."   That "problem" is forgotten the moment the Stealths are destroyed, never to be mentioned again. Was Dane lying?  Is there an explanatory scene missing?

5.  The train is in the American West.  DC is on the East Coast.  So the satellite weapon can destroy planes in the West, and moments later is ready to destroy DC- does it travel backwards?  And why is the countdown clock never impacted by the constantly changing demands placed on the satellite?

6.  Dane planned for the hijacked train to crash into another train carrying a huge amount of fuel, destroying both trains and all the evidence and witnesses....approximately five seconds after he escaped the train in a helicopter?  Seriously, watch his attempted escape near the end- the destruction of Washington DC and the train was supposed to be simultaneous, I guess.  But considering that the destruction of the laptop controlling the satellite revealed the location of the satellite to the authorities, a miscalculation of a single minute could have sent Dane's plan right down the tubes.  Also, was Dane really going to be able to escape to the helicopter before the trains collided?  I don't see it.

7.  How fast do self-destruct signals travel, anyway?  The good guys get control of the satellite literally five seconds before it's set to destroy DC.  They push a button and the satellite, hundreds of miles above them in orbit, blows up.  Really?  They pull this instant-explosion stuff in You Only Live Twice, too, so it's not like Under Siege 2 invented this plot hole.  But it's still a pretty big one.

8.  Finally- Dane's plan is to destroy a secret nuclear power plant under the Pentagon and "create a fire from DC to the Carolinas" with the fallout from that plant.  Presumably this will wreck havoc on the US economy...but he wants to get paid in American money?  Not gold deposited in a foreign bank?  Really?  Why?

Ok, thanks for indulging me- lots of travel yesterday, pretty tired today, and back to school meetings start tomorrow, so I wasn't really in the mood to look for a commercial, and I kind of always wanted to rant about this movie for a little bit but wasn't going to start a separate blog for plot holes.  Back to commercials next time.

Kristen Bell's experience with Enterprise does not extend beyond filming this ad, sorry

Just in case you were wondering, it turns out that yes, Kristen Bell is willing to pretend to be really into big trucks (to the point of being a braying jackass on tv) and renting cars and even reading a few lines about car sharing (as if she'd be into anything like that at all, I mean seriously please) if it means that Enterprise will give her a big fat check when she's done.

And it doesn't matter that even the most casual viewer can tell that she has zero idea what she's talking about at any point in this ad, or that it's beyond ludicrous that she's a spokesperson for a freaking rental car company at all.  This isn't QUITE as absurd as Magic Johnson shilling for Rent-A-Center or Shaquille O'Neill picking up a check bleating lines for The General, but it's pretty damn close. 

I know, I know, it's all about getting your face on tv whenever possible and picking up an extra paycheck while you can, but still....come on.  BTW, Kristen Bell apparently also does ads for Samsung Home Appliances- another thing I'm quite certain she knows absolutely nothing about.  If they look good I might get to them.

Auto Warranty 411- because funeral insurance and credit repair aren't robbing poor people of enough money, I guess

"Own a car?  Don't have any money?  Live in constant terror that something is going to happen to that car which is your lifeline to the world and without which you'd lose your job and your house and would be living on the street fighting the rats for the last scrap of pizza in the dumpster?  Well, you should, because a new onboard computer for your car could cost you upwards of $1600.  A new transmission could cost you $2000.  And since you barely own your car 'cause let's face it, if you fall for pitches like this you are probably very well acquainted with the Title Loan place next to the Dollar General down the street, there's no way you're ready to take on that kind of repair bill on your own!"

"Here's a Solution- and by Solution, I mean it's a solution in the way that Rent A Center is a solution to your desire for a big-screen tv or X-Box.  You can buy a piece of paper we like to call a 'Policy' 'cause it sounds official and then you can rest easy when it comes to car repairs. 

"But wait, you're thinking 'I can't afford an extended car warranty, I asked at the dealership and saw the cost and it's way out of my budget.'  Well sure but 411 Auto Warranty is BETTER than the manufacturer's warranty.  You see, with a manufacturer's warranty, THEY get to pick where you get your car repaired and THEY get to require a deductible, doesn't that sound so unfair?  With OUR service YOU decide where you get your car repaired- go to the licensed repair shop down the street, go to the dealership, go to the teenaged kid next door- we don't care, because it's not like we're going to cover any of the repairs!  And there's no deductible because, again, we aren't going to cover anything!"

"I feel perfectly comfortable telling you this because you aren't listening anyway- you're too busy looking at the black and white shots of scared, worried, anxious people (that could be you!) and then color pix of happy, pretty people hugging their cars (this could be you!  Why Not?  You could be happy someday and have someone take a picture of Happy You in front of your car!  Maybe that car is even in good repair and running! It's been known to happen!'

"So anyway, if you're already poor and scared and an easy target for vampire hucksters who want to take advantage of your economic vulnerability to squeeze money you really can't afford to part with into their own bank accounts, call this number and we'll have you signed up for easy small small small monthly payments and get that piece of paper that says Warranty and All Covered Repairs Will Be Covered and all that comforting but ultimately meaningless bs you're craving right now!"

"Because we care!  Really!"

Lincoln's Summer Sales Event gives a small window of opportunity to us Lessers

Most people see a chair and think "there's a place to sit down."  And then are the Much Better People who think that unless a chair is made of leather and is constructed like it should be in a museum of abstract art.  Otherwise it's just for those loser people who a chair is just a chair.

Most people think that you can't be inside and outside at the same time while driving in a car.  But you know better, because you are better- you can push a button and open a moon roof which of course is only available in the fanciest, most luxurious of cars (not like my 1985 Toyota Tercel had one, for example.) 

Most people see a car as a way to get from Point A to Point B, but you figured out a long time ago that an automobile (or Driving Experience, please don't say "car" it's so crass and common) is a way of letting people know Who You Are and Why They Should Care and Want to Be You.  So you drive a Lincoln with leather seats and moon roof and windows which allow you to be inside and outside at the same time, sort of I guess.

And it's summer, which means that a Lincoln is slightly less insanely expensive for a limited time only, which also means that a slighly larger percentage of the masses can afford one if they take out another mortgage or ignore their economic situations or are prone to make really, really stupid decisions based on an impulse which in turn is based on the theory that fancier machines with internal combustion engines will make you a Better Person living a Better Life (please note that the woman is this ad is driving out of a desert in her new LookAtMeMobile.  That's symbolic.  Really.  If you don't get the symbolism, but can still come up with $50 G or so, you can still buy this thing.  But it's pretty sad you don't get the symbolism.)

Continuing with My Summer of Luvs

This time I'm dealing with :59 to 1:29 of this Luvs Diaper commercial collection.

So with the "first kid," Mommy is a loony germaphobe who spends what she occasionally refers to as her "life" doing things like boiling silencers (or teething rings, or whatever those things are being called these days, they are basically just Shut Up Bulbs) so her Precious Little Bundle doesn't get any germs ever.  She has time to do this because she is, after all, Standard Issue Trophy Wife and her brain is constantly searching for some level of stimulation or, to put it another way, a reason to continue functioning at all.

By the time Second Kid comes around, Mommy is secure in her position as Permanent Wife (might be a good idea not to be quite so confident there, Mommy) and is done obsessing over trying to keeping the Offspring germ-free.  Or she got her head out of her a## long enough to learn that it's kind of not a good idea to keep your kid sealed in a bubble until it's too late for their natural immune system to develop properly.  However, she is still aware that her value to Hubby is very closely connected to the heath of the Heirs, so she is going to take the worst of the germs on to herself by sticking that Shut Up Bulb into her own mouth first.  This woman gave up on being a person quite some time ago.  One Person in the house, paying the bills to keep a roof over the head of the Children, is more than enough thank you.  Being a Person is overrated.

Oh, and where's the first kid?  She MAY be eating sand.  Or, she may be toddling into the street.  Or, she may be accepting a ride from a nice stranger with candy.  Mommy really doesn't care anymore because no matter what that first kid is doing, it's nowhere near as interesting as what's on her friend's cell phone.  Uh huh.

Ok, that's enough with the diaper commercials.  I'll be back at school next week won't be watching tv during the day anymore so I won't be seeing them anyway.  So bye for now, TrophyWives!  Back to cell phones, drugs, trucks and all the other prime time goodness from tv land very soon, I promise!

Weird Message framing from another Luvs Commercial

First, we've got a woman interviewing a potential babysitter who has a degree in Early Childhood Education but doesn't have a PhD and that's a problem, because to earn the right to be paid $6 an hour to watch a kid suck on fake car keys for a few hours you kind of need a PhD. 

But by the time this woman has her second kid she has no more f--ks to give and is perfeclty willing to hand that second kid off to whichever teen girl is willing to sit in her house texting her friends in the near-vicinity of that baby, or both kids, or whatever.

The unintentionally hilarious tagline is that "more mothers of second children prefer Luvs."  The strong implication is that FIRST moms are really, really concerned about their kids' safety and comfort, but women who are moms for the SECOND time are willing to settle for much, much less.  Luvs is the annomymous teen babysitter to the Other Brand's Early Childhood Education Degree. 

I wonder why they don't just put this message in the tagline- "Luvs Diapers:  When you realize that there's nothing special about kids and diapers are just diapers." 

Package of Luv's Commercials are going to keep me busy for a while....

I may do a "Part II" and even a "Part III" for this set of commericals, but for now I'm only going to comment on the first one, which runs for twenty-seven seconds of Anvilicious Stupid.

Ok, so in the first scenerio, we see a MommyWife engaging in a ridiculously age-inappropriate exercise of futility, attempting to teach her maybe eight-month-old spawn how to read.  She's doing this in the massive suburban mansion DaddyHusband provided as his end of the deal.  She's wasting her time but I guess as long as dinner is on the table on schedule and that house is clean, DaddyHusband's ok with it. 

BTW, where is DaddyHusband during all this?  He's walking around carrying a laptop.  I guess sitting at a table isn't an option?  Maybe he's afraid that if he's stationary MommyWife and Offspring will try to get him involved in all this?  In any case, he looks thoroughly disinterested in what MommyWife is doing.  You know, like I am.

For the second kid, MommyWife has decided to loosen up and just have fun with her children instead of trying to turn them into little Einsteins- as long as she's still doing the educational stuff too. 

DaddyHusband's still walking around with what I'm guessing is an updated laptop.  Still uninterested.  Me too.  What was this ad trying to sell again?