The only thing more depressing than this Gatorade commercial is the comment section that follows

What are the key words in this commercial?  Rivalry.  Hate.  Obsession.

What are these words in service of?  A company that sells flavored water in the guise of making children better "athletes," mainly by supplying that flavored water to every major league team in the country regardless of sport so that the brand name is prominent on every bench, box and bullpen and therefore burned into the viewers' brains before the official commercial (like this one) even arrives on the tv.

Want to be a better athlete, kid?  Well, here's my advice- find a Rival.  Find someone you think is as good as you at your chosen sport, or even better.  Psych yourself into hating that person, because you can be damned sure that person hates you.  Work harder- harder than you thought you could, because if you don't, that Rival is going to hurt you-- not just HURT you, that rival is going to BRING YOU DOWN and SHOVE YOUR NOSE IN IT.  Remember the Golden Rule- "Do Unto Others, Before they Do You."

Eventually, that Hate you've used to motivate yourself to work hard at something you once enjoyed as an innocent game (man you used to be a pansy!) will make you a stronger person, which will allow you to survive your competition with that person you've convinced yourself is out to get you.  Then you can move on from Hate to Repect (it's really natural and very easy, believe me.)  And you'll even eventually move on to Love that rival-- yep, it's a very simple evolution, that Hate to Respect to Love thing.  And all this will teach you about real life, because in real life, that's how relationships normally develop.

And remember, this is Advice coming from people who want you to see drinking large amounts of sugary water as a key ingredient to your ultimate "success" as an "athlete."  Sugary water, and Hate.

Now, if you want to really get your stomach churning, I dare you to read the comments and see how many viewers are super-inspired by this noxious schlock.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

This Monster Commercial is not for a Depression drug. But it should be.

Monster is a resume-enhancing service which promises to make the user more attractive to potential employees- the idea is that people who use the service create resumes that are eye-catching, focus on the actual skills of the job-seeker, and avoid the worthless mulch that causes the resume scanners to give up and toss the things into the circular file cabinet.

But the little girl in this ad isn't asking about looking for a job, which can in fact be a sad, grinding, humiliating process that makes one question one's will to live.  Back in the early '90s I was working in the dairy department of an Upstate New York Wegman's while also substitute teaching and I went to dozens of interviews for a full-time teaching job which never ended with an offer of employment, and I can still remember thinking at times that I should just give up and look into the Manager Training Program at the store.  Ultimately I did manage to land a teaching position- in another state- and am celebrating my 25th year at that school this fall.  But I'll never forget the stress of resume-writing and interviews.   The little girl here is asking what it's like to WORK- and her daddy describes it as torture you just need to go through until you die.

Well, first of all, that's a really horrible message to send your daughter.  Clearly she's asking it because she regularly sees her father stumbling around in a defeated, shoulders-hunched daze looking absolutely miserable all the time, and she's at least healthy enough to know that it's not because being a FATHER is a life-sucking ordeal.  And his response is to let her know that "work" means "pain you deal with because you need money" and since everyone has to work, she should expect to graduate from childhood into her own lifetime of suffering somewhere down the road .

On some level I guess this all has to do with getting your resume in order so you can quit that job you hate and get a job you can actually enjoy, but that message kind of gets lost in this guy's horrible reply.  He clearly doesn't believe that there's any such thing as a Fulfilling, Rewarding Career- just Work.  If that's been his experience, I feel sorry for him- but he surely KNOWS of people who actually enjoy doing what they are paid to do and aren't defeated, deflated, all-suffering martyrs like himself.  He should invite one of those people to talk to his daughter about work, and keep his snarling pessimism to himself before he does lasting damage.

American Home Shield continues to prey on the poor and the distracted

1.  The client in this ad doesn't know what kind of insurance she has, or what it covers.  My guess is that she's insured against fire and severe weather damage and is enough of a dumb cluck to think that also means she's entitled to a new water heater when it wears out and stops working.  I'm consistently amazed at the people on tv who manage to make enough money to own homes but don't have Clue One as to how insurance works.

2.  The narrator tells us that American Home Shield does two things in exchange for the money they want you to shovel at it- it "helps" it's clients pay for repairs on "components" of major appliances.  Those are two enormous, flashing neon-light red flags (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors) that are passed by in an instant when the viewer is supposed to be paying attention to the stupid woman, the stupid insurance adjuster, and the cartoon dragon.  The message you are supposed to get from this commercial is that an American Home Shield Warranty will repair or replace hot water heaters, air conditioners, washing machines, dishwashers, and all those other appliances which you live in constant fear of breaking down because their repair/replace cost is so high.  But that's not promised at all by the actual words in the commercial.  The WORDS IN THE COMMERCIAL only offer "help" (what's that?  Advice?  Assistance?  Maybe a LITTLE money?  Maybe no money at all) to repair "components" (what's THAT?  They'll "help" replace one part of the air conditioner but not another part, even if both need replacing?  Well, you'll find out after you pay the up-front Service Fee.)

Clearly the people at American Home Shield have learned a very valuable lesson from the big Pharmaceutical companies- when describing your product, dazzle your audience with colorful images so they don't listen carefully to what you're actually offering.  That way you can get them to give you money in exchange for very, very sketchy and limited "insurance" you'd be better off putting into a special fund to handle appliance issues coming down the road.  Too bad home warranties don't protect against Vampires- then you'd have coverage against companies like, well, American Home Shield.

Nissan Rogue is pompously sneering the world? Hey, that's MY job!

Here's another commercial which makes it's point in roughly fifteen seconds, yet goes on for an entire minute because

A)  the producer of this schlock has no respect for his audience and thinks we won't get the point unless it's anvilled into our skulls, or

B)  he is so proud of his Vision that he won't compromise that Vision by editing it down. 

Either way, I gotta say that no car company that offers WiFi, DVD players, Facebook, etc. etc. ETC as standard equipment has any business criticizing the world for being distracted by electronics.  As a pedestrian am pretty much never put into danger by other pedestrians staring at their phones.  Sure, they can annoy me- especially when I have to dodge them or they are standing in front of me at the crosswalk and don't notice that it's our turn to walk- but they aren't going to run me over.  But I am CONSTANTLY on guard for distracted DRIVERS, which make up maybe 1 percent of the distracted people in this ad.  Hey, Nissan- maybe the message should be "don't drive distracted" rather than "don't be distracted."  I'd really welcome seeing more people breaking their dumb phone addictions, but I'd settle for drivers just obeying the law- and using some common humanity- by simply putting those phones away while operating heavy machinery.  Baby steps, Nissan.  Baby steps.

Just for fun, let's look at the plot holes in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory!

Let me start out by saying that I love this movie, and I actually think it's superior to the original.  For one thing, we don't have a bimbo Playboy model running around trying to act tough (or trying to act, period.)  We don't have Ryback enlisting a support group to help him carry out his mission to Stop the Bad Guys from Nuking SomethingTM- except for a single porter, he's on his own, which is the way the best of these The One Guy They Didn't Count On Stands In Their Way films always plays it.  Eric Bogosian is actually more interesting as the computer-wizard bad guy than Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones were as they spent most of their time just chewing up the scenery.

I think I just like the plot better:  Crazy guy is going to seize control of a killer satellite and use it to nuke Washington DC and in the process collect $1 billion from America's enemies.  He knows about the satellite because he built it, strongly suggesting Timothy Olyphant's computer-hacker genius character in 2006's Live Free Or Die Hard.  I think I just like killer satellites.  So I'm sold right off the bat.

That being said, Under Siege 2:  Dark Territory certainly requires the viewer to suspend his level of disbelief more than the original does.  Here are a few head-scratchers (let's stick to the plan and call them Plot Holes, or perhaps Plot Canyons) I pick up every time I watch this film:

1.  Why a train?  Sure, that's where the security techs who have the password to the killer satellite are, but that's no reason to hijack an entire train and hold potentially hundreds (though it appears there are no more than a few dozen passengers) of people hostage.  These techs could have been kidnapped seperately and brought together to be tortured for the codes.  Bogosian's character (Travis Dane) attempts an explanation:  as long as the train is moving, the signal to the satellite is "invisible," ok.  But they could have just hired a yacht for the day and installed all this equipment on it, and skipped the potentially dangerous (and alarm-sounding) process of invading an army base, stealing military helicopters, and capturing a train.  Just seems like an overly complicated way of acquiring a moving vehicle.

2.  The entire operation is planned down to the last detail, but is almost completely derailed (no pun intended) because Travis Dane brings only one copy of the targeting CD with him.  When Ryback momentarily steals the CD, Dane freaks out that he's helpless without it, and even says "this train might as well be a thousand tons of junk without that CD."  The necessity of getting that CD back costs the lives of several bad guys, too.  But still- at any time, that CD could have been scratched or chipped, and then your entire $1 billion plan goes down the drain....because you forgot to burn another copy?

3.  The abilities of the satellite weapon increase dramatically throughout the film.  In the first half-hour,  Dane is asked to shoot down a passenger plane and he dismisses the idea as implausible before (rather effortlessly) doing it.  Forty minutes later he's using that satellite to target and shoot down Stealth bombers.  BTW, he shoots down one of those Stealths literally two seconds before it's about to destroy the train- so close that wreckage from the Stealth rains down on the train.  The pilot had orders to destroy the train, but didn't shoot when he was on top of it.  Is the range of missiles from Stealth bombers three feet, or what?  And why didn't the "earthquake" created by the satellite which destroyed the bomber have any effect on the train which was right underneath it?

4.  Dane tells his fellow bad guys that if he targets the Stealths he'll have to "unlock it from DC and "won't be able to get it back before it passes."   That "problem" is forgotten the moment the Stealths are destroyed, never to be mentioned again. Was Dane lying?  Is there an explanatory scene missing?

5.  The train is in the American West.  DC is on the East Coast.  So the satellite weapon can destroy planes in the West, and moments later is ready to destroy DC- does it travel backwards?  And why is the countdown clock never impacted by the constantly changing demands placed on the satellite?

6.  Dane planned for the hijacked train to crash into another train carrying a huge amount of fuel, destroying both trains and all the evidence and witnesses....approximately five seconds after he escaped the train in a helicopter?  Seriously, watch his attempted escape near the end- the destruction of Washington DC and the train was supposed to be simultaneous, I guess.  But considering that the destruction of the laptop controlling the satellite revealed the location of the satellite to the authorities, a miscalculation of a single minute could have sent Dane's plan right down the tubes.  Also, was Dane really going to be able to escape to the helicopter before the trains collided?  I don't see it.

7.  How fast do self-destruct signals travel, anyway?  The good guys get control of the satellite literally five seconds before it's set to destroy DC.  They push a button and the satellite, hundreds of miles above them in orbit, blows up.  Really?  They pull this instant-explosion stuff in You Only Live Twice, too, so it's not like Under Siege 2 invented this plot hole.  But it's still a pretty big one.

8.  Finally- Dane's plan is to destroy a secret nuclear power plant under the Pentagon and "create a fire from DC to the Carolinas" with the fallout from that plant.  Presumably this will wreck havoc on the US economy...but he wants to get paid in American money?  Not gold deposited in a foreign bank?  Really?  Why?

Ok, thanks for indulging me- lots of travel yesterday, pretty tired today, and back to school meetings start tomorrow, so I wasn't really in the mood to look for a commercial, and I kind of always wanted to rant about this movie for a little bit but wasn't going to start a separate blog for plot holes.  Back to commercials next time.

Kristen Bell's experience with Enterprise does not extend beyond filming this ad, sorry

Just in case you were wondering, it turns out that yes, Kristen Bell is willing to pretend to be really into big trucks (to the point of being a braying jackass on tv) and renting cars and even reading a few lines about car sharing (as if she'd be into anything like that at all, I mean seriously please) if it means that Enterprise will give her a big fat check when she's done.

And it doesn't matter that even the most casual viewer can tell that she has zero idea what she's talking about at any point in this ad, or that it's beyond ludicrous that she's a spokesperson for a freaking rental car company at all.  This isn't QUITE as absurd as Magic Johnson shilling for Rent-A-Center or Shaquille O'Neill picking up a check bleating lines for The General, but it's pretty damn close. 

I know, I know, it's all about getting your face on tv whenever possible and picking up an extra paycheck while you can, but still....come on.  BTW, Kristen Bell apparently also does ads for Samsung Home Appliances- another thing I'm quite certain she knows absolutely nothing about.  If they look good I might get to them.

Auto Warranty 411- because funeral insurance and credit repair aren't robbing poor people of enough money, I guess

"Own a car?  Don't have any money?  Live in constant terror that something is going to happen to that car which is your lifeline to the world and without which you'd lose your job and your house and would be living on the street fighting the rats for the last scrap of pizza in the dumpster?  Well, you should, because a new onboard computer for your car could cost you upwards of $1600.  A new transmission could cost you $2000.  And since you barely own your car 'cause let's face it, if you fall for pitches like this you are probably very well acquainted with the Title Loan place next to the Dollar General down the street, there's no way you're ready to take on that kind of repair bill on your own!"

"Here's a Solution- and by Solution, I mean it's a solution in the way that Rent A Center is a solution to your desire for a big-screen tv or X-Box.  You can buy a piece of paper we like to call a 'Policy' 'cause it sounds official and then you can rest easy when it comes to car repairs. 

"But wait, you're thinking 'I can't afford an extended car warranty, I asked at the dealership and saw the cost and it's way out of my budget.'  Well sure but 411 Auto Warranty is BETTER than the manufacturer's warranty.  You see, with a manufacturer's warranty, THEY get to pick where you get your car repaired and THEY get to require a deductible, doesn't that sound so unfair?  With OUR service YOU decide where you get your car repaired- go to the licensed repair shop down the street, go to the dealership, go to the teenaged kid next door- we don't care, because it's not like we're going to cover any of the repairs!  And there's no deductible because, again, we aren't going to cover anything!"

"I feel perfectly comfortable telling you this because you aren't listening anyway- you're too busy looking at the black and white shots of scared, worried, anxious people (that could be you!) and then color pix of happy, pretty people hugging their cars (this could be you!  Why Not?  You could be happy someday and have someone take a picture of Happy You in front of your car!  Maybe that car is even in good repair and running! It's been known to happen!'

"So anyway, if you're already poor and scared and an easy target for vampire hucksters who want to take advantage of your economic vulnerability to squeeze money you really can't afford to part with into their own bank accounts, call this number and we'll have you signed up for easy small small small monthly payments and get that piece of paper that says Warranty and All Covered Repairs Will Be Covered and all that comforting but ultimately meaningless bs you're craving right now!"

"Because we care!  Really!"