The Cult of Dr Pepper is ruining my Saturday Afternoons

I guess the "joke" here is that the insane parents are becoming concerned that their son might be gay- I mean, what other reason could he possibly have for getting interested in Soccer instead of, you know, the only sport that really matters- College Football?

The lunatic mom even bleats some line about how it's "natural" for a kid her son's age to "experiment" with "other sodas," leading up to the nonsensical punchline- that the kid has been living in such a culty bubble of isolation that he was not aware that Dr Pepper was not the only soft drink on the planet.  I don't know why the parents didn't just skip to the "we're worried about you because you've strayed away from the True Faith, the Church of Dr Pepper" instead of mocking interest in the most popular sport on the planet. 

These "Fanville" commercials are a large and growing series on television these days, and they are especially ubiquitous during college football games.  I can't be the only viewer who finds college-football themed commercials during college football games more than a little exhausting.  Watching crazy graduates of Generic State bringing their sad desperation to cling to their College Glory Days to the level of badgering kids and neighbors to embrace unquestioning loyalty to State AND Dr Pepper (why are they connected?  Meh, who cares?) in between actual college football games which feature more shots of lunatic fans making asshats of themselves leaves me depressed and bleary-eyed long before mid-afternoon games have even kicked off.  Thank goodness for my XM Radio and mild walking temps. 

Lulu, Lobo and Wells Fargo: Horrible Together

This is one of a series of commercials featuring these dogs and this bank.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Ok, depressed enough?  Then let's continue.  Lulu and Lobo are sitting at the entrance of a Wells Fargo watching their owner doing something in the building they aren't allowed in for some reason.  Because they are dogs, in real life they don't have the slightest clue what is going on or why there's this invisible shield between them and the other creature which feeds them because they have brains the size of walnuts.  But because they are dogs on tv, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices.  And because they are dogs on tv in the United States, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices speaking English.  And because CGI is a thing, one of the dogs is moving his mouth while he's telepathically speaking.  This is all happening mainly because Wells Fargo hates people so very, very much.

And because they are animals on tv they can deduce what is happening between humans in the bank- never mind that a six-year-old human child probably wouldn't understand, these animals know that the humans are negotiating a thirty-year adjustable-rate mortgage which will allow their human to move them into a house with a yard so they can live "the unleashed life" (please, just kill me now.)  They get all this just by staring through the glass at the entrance door which never opens because nobody else attempts to enter or leave the Wells Fargo during the entire negotiation which BTW is taking place right there in the lobby of the bank and not in an office because That's Convenient.  Oh, and the owner of these ridiculous dogs didn't bother to tie them up outside (or, better yet, just leave them home) but that's ok because they'll just sit there staring into the bank until she decides to come out (doesn't this mean that they are already living the "unleashed life?")

In the end, the girl makes the deal and she won't even have to explain it to the dogs (though I suspect he will anyway, because Dog Owner.)  I don't know what happens in the other Lulu and Lobo commercials and I seriously don't care, because of all the stupid commercial memes that have been done to death over the decades none has been done to death more than the Pets Thinking and Talking like Humans bit, and I'm just not going to subject myself to any more of this crap.  Instead, I'll just impose an instant boycott on every company which uses "talking" pets in its ads.  And wait for Wells Fargo to pull the rug out from under Lulu and Lobo's human by jacking up interest rates as soon as it's federally funded risky investments collapse again and we all get to party like it's 2009.

Bud Light + Game of Thrones = One Happy Ending

So here's the cross-promotion we've come up with:  A crappy, watered-down swill of a light beer only sad drunks on a limited income would ever buy on purpose, and an inexplicably popular HBO television series which finally ended roughly three seasons too late with a conclusion which left its most devoted fans simultaneously disgusted and outraged.   Dilly Dilly!

(Oh, and the happy ending?  Well, if you can get to the conclusion of this ridiculously overlong ad, you'll see that everyone in it dies horribly in a blaze of dragon fire.  This is the way ALL Bud Light "Dilly Dilly" commercials should end, along with all commercials featuring Chevrolet Real People Not Actors, Cell Phone service, the Geico lizard and Peyton Manning.  When the day comes that every one of THOSE commercials ends with the participants being roasted to death by a dragon, I'll be able to retire this blog.  Looking forward to it.)

Random Questions about this stupid Geico Ad

1.  Why is this lizard intruding on a family camping trip?  Did they invite him?  And if so, why did they invite him?  I mean, if they've ever watched any other commercial featuring the lizard in the past, they KNOW that all he's going to do is harrass them about the benefits of the Geico App until they crush him with a convenient rock, which I really wish they'd just do.

2.  Why does this lizard think that the family would like to "manage their insurance" while on a camping trip?  Seriously, who thinks about managing their insurance while out camping with the family?  Do they even have a WiFi connection out there?  Because guess what, no matter how cool that Geice Insurance App is, it's not going to work unless you've got access to the internet.  And considering that I don't see anyone in this family using their phones here, I think it's a pretty good bet that there's no service where they are.  Because it's 2019, after all.

3.  Why does the Dad in this commercial care that the Geico's tiny bit of marshmallow is on fire?  I'd be more invested in getting it to shut the f--k up about insurance during Family Time in front of the fire.

4.  Is that Dad ever going to wipe that bit of marshmallow off his face?  I mean, seriously- I know it's just a speck of marshmallow, and maybe it's not even hot anymore- but it's still a sticky bit of sugary sludge he KNOWS is on his face.  Why doesn't he wipe it off?  Is he really that dead inside that he doesn't care about it being on his face?  Is he just so crushed by the lack of internet access that he can't work up the energy to wipe his face?  Seriously, what the hell?

The only thing more depressing than this Gatorade commercial is the comment section that follows

What are the key words in this commercial?  Rivalry.  Hate.  Obsession.

What are these words in service of?  A company that sells flavored water in the guise of making children better "athletes," mainly by supplying that flavored water to every major league team in the country regardless of sport so that the brand name is prominent on every bench, box and bullpen and therefore burned into the viewers' brains before the official commercial (like this one) even arrives on the tv.

Want to be a better athlete, kid?  Well, here's my advice- find a Rival.  Find someone you think is as good as you at your chosen sport, or even better.  Psych yourself into hating that person, because you can be damned sure that person hates you.  Work harder- harder than you thought you could, because if you don't, that Rival is going to hurt you-- not just HURT you, that rival is going to BRING YOU DOWN and SHOVE YOUR NOSE IN IT.  Remember the Golden Rule- "Do Unto Others, Before they Do You."

Eventually, that Hate you've used to motivate yourself to work hard at something you once enjoyed as an innocent game (man you used to be a pansy!) will make you a stronger person, which will allow you to survive your competition with that person you've convinced yourself is out to get you.  Then you can move on from Hate to Repect (it's really natural and very easy, believe me.)  And you'll even eventually move on to Love that rival-- yep, it's a very simple evolution, that Hate to Respect to Love thing.  And all this will teach you about real life, because in real life, that's how relationships normally develop.

And remember, this is Advice coming from people who want you to see drinking large amounts of sugary water as a key ingredient to your ultimate "success" as an "athlete."  Sugary water, and Hate.

Now, if you want to really get your stomach churning, I dare you to read the comments and see how many viewers are super-inspired by this noxious schlock.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

This Monster Commercial is not for a Depression drug. But it should be.

Monster is a resume-enhancing service which promises to make the user more attractive to potential employees- the idea is that people who use the service create resumes that are eye-catching, focus on the actual skills of the job-seeker, and avoid the worthless mulch that causes the resume scanners to give up and toss the things into the circular file cabinet.

But the little girl in this ad isn't asking about looking for a job, which can in fact be a sad, grinding, humiliating process that makes one question one's will to live.  Back in the early '90s I was working in the dairy department of an Upstate New York Wegman's while also substitute teaching and I went to dozens of interviews for a full-time teaching job which never ended with an offer of employment, and I can still remember thinking at times that I should just give up and look into the Manager Training Program at the store.  Ultimately I did manage to land a teaching position- in another state- and am celebrating my 25th year at that school this fall.  But I'll never forget the stress of resume-writing and interviews.   The little girl here is asking what it's like to WORK- and her daddy describes it as torture you just need to go through until you die.

Well, first of all, that's a really horrible message to send your daughter.  Clearly she's asking it because she regularly sees her father stumbling around in a defeated, shoulders-hunched daze looking absolutely miserable all the time, and she's at least healthy enough to know that it's not because being a FATHER is a life-sucking ordeal.  And his response is to let her know that "work" means "pain you deal with because you need money" and since everyone has to work, she should expect to graduate from childhood into her own lifetime of suffering somewhere down the road .

On some level I guess this all has to do with getting your resume in order so you can quit that job you hate and get a job you can actually enjoy, but that message kind of gets lost in this guy's horrible reply.  He clearly doesn't believe that there's any such thing as a Fulfilling, Rewarding Career- just Work.  If that's been his experience, I feel sorry for him- but he surely KNOWS of people who actually enjoy doing what they are paid to do and aren't defeated, deflated, all-suffering martyrs like himself.  He should invite one of those people to talk to his daughter about work, and keep his snarling pessimism to himself before he does lasting damage.

American Home Shield continues to prey on the poor and the distracted

1.  The client in this ad doesn't know what kind of insurance she has, or what it covers.  My guess is that she's insured against fire and severe weather damage and is enough of a dumb cluck to think that also means she's entitled to a new water heater when it wears out and stops working.  I'm consistently amazed at the people on tv who manage to make enough money to own homes but don't have Clue One as to how insurance works.

2.  The narrator tells us that American Home Shield does two things in exchange for the money they want you to shovel at it- it "helps" it's clients pay for repairs on "components" of major appliances.  Those are two enormous, flashing neon-light red flags (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors) that are passed by in an instant when the viewer is supposed to be paying attention to the stupid woman, the stupid insurance adjuster, and the cartoon dragon.  The message you are supposed to get from this commercial is that an American Home Shield Warranty will repair or replace hot water heaters, air conditioners, washing machines, dishwashers, and all those other appliances which you live in constant fear of breaking down because their repair/replace cost is so high.  But that's not promised at all by the actual words in the commercial.  The WORDS IN THE COMMERCIAL only offer "help" (what's that?  Advice?  Assistance?  Maybe a LITTLE money?  Maybe no money at all) to repair "components" (what's THAT?  They'll "help" replace one part of the air conditioner but not another part, even if both need replacing?  Well, you'll find out after you pay the up-front Service Fee.)

Clearly the people at American Home Shield have learned a very valuable lesson from the big Pharmaceutical companies- when describing your product, dazzle your audience with colorful images so they don't listen carefully to what you're actually offering.  That way you can get them to give you money in exchange for very, very sketchy and limited "insurance" you'd be better off putting into a special fund to handle appliance issues coming down the road.  Too bad home warranties don't protect against Vampires- then you'd have coverage against companies like, well, American Home Shield.