Depressing that this College GameDay Commercial is 7 years old...

...because seven years later, Lee Corso is still sucking oxygen out of every Saturday morning with his nonsensical dribbling over young men one-fourth his age, regularly interrupting to spew disconnected cliche'd BS because for some reason ESPN thinks he's still relevant in covering a sport Corso coached until his retirement in 1984.  In other words, a sport Corso knows nothing about and has known nothing about for more than thirty years.*

Oh, but he's been doing this gig since the show debuted in 1987, so....well, no, that doesn't do it for me, either.  Like Joe Paterno,** Lee Corso is here every Saturday morning because he always has been, never mind that he no longer does anything except suck up time from the braying jackasses who are trying to establish themselves as solid TV performers before ESPN finally admits that it's become an irrelevant antique in the Brave New World of the Internet and they are forced to find cameras owned by profitable networks.   I guess he's just a familiar face- like Paterno, or Chris Berman, or (extending the analysis beyond football) Chris Matthews, invited back year after year because what the hell sure he's got nothing to say and no one can remember the last time he had anything to say but he's kind of an Institution and we viewers can always hit the mute button when he starts spitting stream of consciousness blather at the audience.

*Not that Corso knew a whole lot about football when he was a coach, unless you think that a lifetime record of 73-85-6 marks him as some kind of college football guru who ought to be given a 35-year-and-counting contract to ramble incoherently about the sport he had two good years coaching half a century ago.

**We all know that Paterno wasn't the actual coach of Penn State for at least the last ten seasons he had the title.  He spent some entire games in the freaking owner's box "managing the game" by phone, for chrissakes.  His absolute lack of involvement was his main defense during the abuse scandal.  Yet every week he was the focus of commentary during every Penn State game, as he accepted praise for work being done by his assistant coaches.

Make these Real Owners Not Actors Commercials Invisible. That would be much better.

"Ok Real Pickup Owners not Actors, this Chevy BlandMobile features the world's first invisible trailer."

Because all Real Chevy Owners Not Actors must act like mentally deficient box turtles whose moms lived exclusively on lead paint chips during pregnancy, one of them bleats "invisible," another remarks "so it isnt' the trailer sitting right here?" and yet another actually bangs his fist against the trailer with a "toldja so it's right here, I can see it and I just proved its right here you're gonna have to do that Chevy spokesman I got you this time" look on his punchable face.

Ah, but you see- it's not that the trailer is actually invisible, but that among the 500 camera options featured in Chevy's latest BS Electronics to Distract You From the Overall Crappiness pickup model is one that-- um--- basically photoshops the trailer out of the picture.  Well, isn't that clever because now you can....um....wait a minute, what exactly IS the function of this camera option again?

Well, if you've got it activated, you can back up without seeing your trailer, which is really helpful if...you don't want to know how much room you have and are trying to smash up your trailer.  Or if you're on the highway, it helps you forget you're hauling a trailer so when you change lanes you don't allow for enough space and you clip that car you thought you had ample room to pass.....

Come to think of it, I can't imagine why this Invisible Trailer feature would be anything but a stupid, dangerous option nobody in their right mind would ever activate.  But it's new so I guess it's deserving of a commercial.  And hey, it gives a group of camera-hungry choads another opportunity to kiss Chevrolet's butt for thirty seconds in exchange for a little tv time, so there's that, too.

In real life, this Coke commercial only ends in three possible ways

1.  Assuming it's happening in 2019, this kid is told to shut his stupid piehole and stop trying to get himself on YouTube by blathering a cliche'-ridden pile of noxious drivel.   OR

2.  Assuming it's any time in human history, he's told to sit the f--k down because he's blocking the people sitting behind him who came to watch a game, not his fat face lecturing them on how to be good fans.  OR

3.  If this event is taking place in the 1980s, he's greeted with silence followed by the Slow ClapTM.

Ok, Coors is just trolling us now, right?

If not, can we expect to see the following commercials from Coors?

"The official Beer of waiting for the Ride On Bus."

"The official Beer of Drinking outside your daughter's daycare hoping to get a glimpse of her without your ex-wife finding out."

"The official Beer of drinking before heading off to church."

"The official Beer of drinking on your way back from the bathroom to the bedroom at 2 AM."

"The official Beer of Drinking before going in to the Funeral."

Let's just cut to the chase, go back to my original post on this awesome campaign, and call Coors the Official Beer of Being a High-functioning Alcoholic and get it over with, ok?

This Coors commercial is NOT a parody!

Sitting down on the couch with your roomate, still in your bathrobe....and taking a beer out of a pocket of that bathrobe (which is where you always keep spare beers, in case you need one on your way back from the toilet in the middle of the night, perhaps?) and handing it to your friend before setting down on the couch for the 4-hour College Football Gameday show to start.....because fried eggs without beer is like waffles without vodka.  Just doesn't work!

Not only is all this perfectly fine, perfectly normal....but as far as Coors is concerned, it's a great opportunity to grab that important niche market of weekend alcoholics and get their brand nailed down as "the official beer of Saturday Mornings."

I wish....I seriously wish this commercial came with a disclaimer, or at least a laughtrack, to let us know Coors isn't serious about this.  But it doesn't, and they are.  Coors is the Official Beer of the Early-Morning Hangover, the Official Beer of the 48-hour Drunk, the Official Beer of the Two-Day Stupor on your Couch...let's just cut to the chase, shall we?  Coors is the Official Beer of the High-Functioning Alcoholic.  And proud of it.

Seriously, Coors-- can you guys just go back to funnelling money to Right-Wing Republican candidates for high office, anti-abortion initiatives, and Think Tanks with the openly-stated goal of banning gay marriage?  You know, like back in the good old days when of course you wanted more alcoholics but weren't willing to blatantly celebrate them in your tv commercials?  Because this....this is really too much.

(BTW, I almost never post comments on two commercials in the same day, but I have this sneaking suspicion that Coors is going to experience a backlash from this one and it will vanish from tv and YouTube in a short time, so I have to comment before it enters the realm of "did I really see that?" myth.)

The Cult of Dr Pepper is ruining my Saturday Afternoons

I guess the "joke" here is that the insane parents are becoming concerned that their son might be gay- I mean, what other reason could he possibly have for getting interested in Soccer instead of, you know, the only sport that really matters- College Football?

The lunatic mom even bleats some line about how it's "natural" for a kid her son's age to "experiment" with "other sodas," leading up to the nonsensical punchline- that the kid has been living in such a culty bubble of isolation that he was not aware that Dr Pepper was not the only soft drink on the planet.  I don't know why the parents didn't just skip to the "we're worried about you because you've strayed away from the True Faith, the Church of Dr Pepper" instead of mocking interest in the most popular sport on the planet. 

These "Fanville" commercials are a large and growing series on television these days, and they are especially ubiquitous during college football games.  I can't be the only viewer who finds college-football themed commercials during college football games more than a little exhausting.  Watching crazy graduates of Generic State bringing their sad desperation to cling to their College Glory Days to the level of badgering kids and neighbors to embrace unquestioning loyalty to State AND Dr Pepper (why are they connected?  Meh, who cares?) in between actual college football games which feature more shots of lunatic fans making asshats of themselves leaves me depressed and bleary-eyed long before mid-afternoon games have even kicked off.  Thank goodness for my XM Radio and mild walking temps. 

Lulu, Lobo and Wells Fargo: Horrible Together

This is one of a series of commercials featuring these dogs and this bank.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Ok, depressed enough?  Then let's continue.  Lulu and Lobo are sitting at the entrance of a Wells Fargo watching their owner doing something in the building they aren't allowed in for some reason.  Because they are dogs, in real life they don't have the slightest clue what is going on or why there's this invisible shield between them and the other creature which feeds them because they have brains the size of walnuts.  But because they are dogs on tv, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices.  And because they are dogs on tv in the United States, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices speaking English.  And because CGI is a thing, one of the dogs is moving his mouth while he's telepathically speaking.  This is all happening mainly because Wells Fargo hates people so very, very much.

And because they are animals on tv they can deduce what is happening between humans in the bank- never mind that a six-year-old human child probably wouldn't understand, these animals know that the humans are negotiating a thirty-year adjustable-rate mortgage which will allow their human to move them into a house with a yard so they can live "the unleashed life" (please, just kill me now.)  They get all this just by staring through the glass at the entrance door which never opens because nobody else attempts to enter or leave the Wells Fargo during the entire negotiation which BTW is taking place right there in the lobby of the bank and not in an office because That's Convenient.  Oh, and the owner of these ridiculous dogs didn't bother to tie them up outside (or, better yet, just leave them home) but that's ok because they'll just sit there staring into the bank until she decides to come out (doesn't this mean that they are already living the "unleashed life?")

In the end, the girl makes the deal and she won't even have to explain it to the dogs (though I suspect he will anyway, because Dog Owner.)  I don't know what happens in the other Lulu and Lobo commercials and I seriously don't care, because of all the stupid commercial memes that have been done to death over the decades none has been done to death more than the Pets Thinking and Talking like Humans bit, and I'm just not going to subject myself to any more of this crap.  Instead, I'll just impose an instant boycott on every company which uses "talking" pets in its ads.  And wait for Wells Fargo to pull the rug out from under Lulu and Lobo's human by jacking up interest rates as soon as it's federally funded risky investments collapse again and we all get to party like it's 2009.