Sam Adams jumps into the Celebration of Addiction pool

So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it?  What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?

The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer.  This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer.  She just drinks it because....she's thirsty?  No.  She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.

Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix.  Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is.  Never mind "sad."  This is getting downright depressing.

Seize the Day at Taco Bell!

(Before we get started, note that these boxes have lids which we never see closed, are overflowing to the point where the lids clearly cannot be used.  In other words, we've got a case of Overflowing KFC Bucket Syndrome here.  Well, Taco Bell and KFC are owned by the same company, so no trademark violation anyway....)

These boxes have 1130 calories, they contain the following RDAs for an adult:

92% of total fat.
55% of saturated fat
85% of sodium

So basically once you've eaten one of these things, you're done for the day.  You've used up your RDAs for a pile of soggy chips and grease-infused beef nibbles from the hole in the wall down the street manned by high school students and an adult manager who wishes he were dead.  Pass.

I guess "White Trash Nation" was taken

First of all, if we're all Superstars, none of us are.  I mean, do I really have to explain this?

Second- no, I'm not watching this.  And I mean, not ever.  If it isn't absolute brain-numbing crap, maybe I can be indicted for prejudging but I'll take that chance.  For the next several months, Friday Night is for College Football unless I have a date.  In other words, Friday Night is for College Football.

Not this....not this crap.  Because this....this just looks awful.  And not "The Connors" awful.  No, this is "The Masked Singer" awful.  There, I said it.

Week 11 is Steelers v Browns.* In other words, these TNF ads aren't going to get any better

Nothing more entertaining than watching the fans of two irrelevant professional football teams trash-talk eachother, is there?

Seriously, the only thing these idiots should be arguing about is how many dozen people outside of Nashsville and Jacksonville intend to tune in on Thursday.  I mean, it IS going up against Celebrity Family Feud with something named Tyler Blevins, after all.  And that's just ABC!

This woman especially is being awfully mouthy in her support for a team which is currently 1-1 as it prepares to go up against a team which is 0-2.  Meanwhile, the Jags fan seems pretty confident that his team is going to bounce back and win the conference....but that might be only because the Colts lost their star quarterback to retirement a few days before the season started?  Either way, no reason to be crowing, buddy.  And again, your team is 0-2. 

State Farm introduces it's next Consistently Failing in the Playoffs QB Spokeschoad

You guys in Green Bay and Kansas City ever get sick of seeing your Quarterbacks spending more time pimping for State Farm than they do in playoff games?  I mean, seriously- between these two guys I count 16 seasons of NFL football and exactly one Superbowl Ring.

Oh, but I guess that as Rodgers' career winds down and younger fans start to forget who the heck Peyton Manning is, State Farm must start to groom the next generation of Underachieving Star Quarterback spokespeople.  So welcome to your new career, Mr Mahomes.  Look on the bright side:  the Brady Era can't last forever, and when it ends, that window of opportunity will open just a little wider.

Aaron Rodgers?  Well, at least Max Kellerman still thinks you're better than Brady, even as he tells us Brady is the best of all time.  Sound like a contradiction?  Well, it's Max Kellerman.  Enjoy his adulation, and your State Farm paycheck, and your one ring.

Depressing that this College GameDay Commercial is 7 years old...

...because seven years later, Lee Corso is still sucking oxygen out of every Saturday morning with his nonsensical dribbling over young men one-fourth his age, regularly interrupting to spew disconnected cliche'd BS because for some reason ESPN thinks he's still relevant in covering a sport Corso coached until his retirement in 1984.  In other words, a sport Corso knows nothing about and has known nothing about for more than thirty years.*

Oh, but he's been doing this gig since the show debuted in 1987, so....well, no, that doesn't do it for me, either.  Like Joe Paterno,** Lee Corso is here every Saturday morning because he always has been, never mind that he no longer does anything except suck up time from the braying jackasses who are trying to establish themselves as solid TV performers before ESPN finally admits that it's become an irrelevant antique in the Brave New World of the Internet and they are forced to find cameras owned by profitable networks.   I guess he's just a familiar face- like Paterno, or Chris Berman, or (extending the analysis beyond football) Chris Matthews, invited back year after year because what the hell sure he's got nothing to say and no one can remember the last time he had anything to say but he's kind of an Institution and we viewers can always hit the mute button when he starts spitting stream of consciousness blather at the audience.

*Not that Corso knew a whole lot about football when he was a coach, unless you think that a lifetime record of 73-85-6 marks him as some kind of college football guru who ought to be given a 35-year-and-counting contract to ramble incoherently about the sport he had two good years coaching half a century ago.

**We all know that Paterno wasn't the actual coach of Penn State for at least the last ten seasons he had the title.  He spent some entire games in the freaking owner's box "managing the game" by phone, for chrissakes.  His absolute lack of involvement was his main defense during the abuse scandal.  Yet every week he was the focus of commentary during every Penn State game, as he accepted praise for work being done by his assistant coaches.

Make these Real Owners Not Actors Commercials Invisible. That would be much better.

"Ok Real Pickup Owners not Actors, this Chevy BlandMobile features the world's first invisible trailer."

Because all Real Chevy Owners Not Actors must act like mentally deficient box turtles whose moms lived exclusively on lead paint chips during pregnancy, one of them bleats "invisible," another remarks "so it isnt' the trailer sitting right here?" and yet another actually bangs his fist against the trailer with a "toldja so it's right here, I can see it and I just proved its right here you're gonna have to do that Chevy spokesman I got you this time" look on his punchable face.

Ah, but you see- it's not that the trailer is actually invisible, but that among the 500 camera options featured in Chevy's latest BS Electronics to Distract You From the Overall Crappiness pickup model is one that-- um--- basically photoshops the trailer out of the picture.  Well, isn't that clever because now you can....um....wait a minute, what exactly IS the function of this camera option again?

Well, if you've got it activated, you can back up without seeing your trailer, which is really helpful if...you don't want to know how much room you have and are trying to smash up your trailer.  Or if you're on the highway, it helps you forget you're hauling a trailer so when you change lanes you don't allow for enough space and you clip that car you thought you had ample room to pass.....

Come to think of it, I can't imagine why this Invisible Trailer feature would be anything but a stupid, dangerous option nobody in their right mind would ever activate.  But it's new so I guess it's deserving of a commercial.  And hey, it gives a group of camera-hungry choads another opportunity to kiss Chevrolet's butt for thirty seconds in exchange for a little tv time, so there's that, too.