The Colonel Wants Us Dead

When I was a kid, dinner from Kentucky Fried Chicken was a once-or-twice-a-year treat were were always delighted to see mom and dad bring home.  It was so rare I can remember specific instances of having chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits for dinner- who was there, how many pieces we had in leftovers and how we fought over them, etc. It seriously was like an extra Christmas.

And it was so good, I used to tell myself that when I was an adult, I'd eat Kentucky Fried Chicken all the time.  Of course, I didn't know that they'd change the formula (to make it less fatty) so that it wouldn't taste as good thirty years later- or that the pieces would stop looking big and meaty and become shriveled and dark in the serving by the end of the 20th Century.  Oh well, my arteries are far better off anyway.

Now, to this commercial- It's not Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore, it's KFC (because the Colonel is dead and his successors know that "fried" is not something we want to be reminded of these days) and Fast Food is not marketed as a Special Treat because there's nowhere near enough profit in that.  So KFC doesn't just have big buckets, they've got sandwiches and $5 boxes and these bowls which are super-convenient for lunch hours if you don't mind dying of heart disease before you reach middle age (this bowl- which includes fried chicken, four kinds of cheese and is served "drizzling with gravy," contains 720 calories, 31 grams of fat and almost 2500 grams of sodium.   I have no idea how anyone could eat this stuff and stay awake for the rest of the day, personally.  I do understand why a little kid would dream of growing up and living on it.  I don't understand how any adult could want to eat it, even once.

Ram Trucks and more stolen songs from my youth....

1.  One poster after another asks the same question:  "What is this song?"  Now, I'm aware that this is kind of a requirement of YouTube comment sections.  Still.  Come on.  If you don't know what song this is, find out quietly, don't let anyone know you don't recognize it.  Sure, you're using a fake name on the internet to ask...but still.  Just don't do this.

(oh, and....Fleetwood Mac?  Can I be charitable and assume you lost control of your song which I thought was the heartbreak that comes from discovering that your dreams do not mesh with the dreams of the person you were hoping to spend the rest of your life with? Can I?)

2.  Except for a few very brief shots of this truck towing a camper and being filled with something dirty and brown, the Awesome Features being demonstrated are nothing more than a huge view screen and an automatic step (in another commercial, we're told this thing has 19 speakers.  That's not a typo.  19 speakers.  You know, so the big, tough, dirt-encrusted guys who drive them can enjoy their Very Masculine Music as they head back to the Ranch House.  This is referred to as "Everything."

3.  Fully Equipped, these trucks run upwards of $50,000.  In other words, just perfect for the hard-workin' middle class they are marketed toward....right?

Geico, Therapy Ponies, and the twisted concept of "Help."

This time we've got two weird dweebs who I assume live in a house belonging to one of their moms.  I have to assume that because if this is their current apartment and they are worried about renter's insurance for a NEW apartment, I think I might just lose my will to live.

Anyway, one of the dweebs knows that Geico stands ready to ease their worry by "helping" with renter's insurance.  The other- who has aquired a therapy pony (remember what I said about losing my will to live?) "didn't know that Geico helps with Renter's Insurance."  What the Actual Hell is he talking about?  Does he mean that he didn't know that Geico SELLS Renter's Insurance?  Because selling policies is the extent to which Geico is willing to "help with Renter's Insurance."  You know, like that grocery store up the street is willing to help me with my lack of food issues, and Seven-Eleven is there to help me deal with my severe caffeine addiction.  So very helpful.

Every year, State Farm accepts and cashes a check from me to pay for renter's insurance.  I'm so ungrateful for the help, not only do I never thank State Farm, but my agent sends ME a birthday card every year.  I'm a disgustingly ungrateful human being.

I wonder- if one of these Napoleon Dynamite wannabees borrows money from Mommy to pay for Renter's Insurance, who does he thank for helping him?  Mommy or Geico?  Both "helped," right?

Meanwhile...therapy pony.  I just want to die.

You know, my daily 7-11 experience is NOTHING like this

What inspired this woman to drive like a dangerous maniac through her company's parking lot?  A cup of crappy gas station coffee and a premade sandwich picked up for lunch.

In short, there's not a whole lot going on in this woman's life.

Sidenote:  The next day this same woman drives a motorcycle to work and uses it to jump 22 cars before riding it right up the steps, using her coworker's desks as an obstacle course, and finally coming to a screeching halt in front of the boss's office, having found an extra hash brown at the bottom of her greasy McDonald's bag.

Sam Adams jumps into the Celebration of Addiction pool

So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it?  What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?

The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer.  This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer.  She just drinks it because....she's thirsty?  No.  She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.

Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix.  Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is.  Never mind "sad."  This is getting downright depressing.

Seize the Day at Taco Bell!

(Before we get started, note that these boxes have lids which we never see closed, are overflowing to the point where the lids clearly cannot be used.  In other words, we've got a case of Overflowing KFC Bucket Syndrome here.  Well, Taco Bell and KFC are owned by the same company, so no trademark violation anyway....)

These boxes have 1130 calories, they contain the following RDAs for an adult:

92% of total fat.
55% of saturated fat
85% of sodium

So basically once you've eaten one of these things, you're done for the day.  You've used up your RDAs for a pile of soggy chips and grease-infused beef nibbles from the hole in the wall down the street manned by high school students and an adult manager who wishes he were dead.  Pass.

I guess "White Trash Nation" was taken

First of all, if we're all Superstars, none of us are.  I mean, do I really have to explain this?

Second- no, I'm not watching this.  And I mean, not ever.  If it isn't absolute brain-numbing crap, maybe I can be indicted for prejudging but I'll take that chance.  For the next several months, Friday Night is for College Football unless I have a date.  In other words, Friday Night is for College Football.

Not this....not this crap.  Because this....this just looks awful.  And not "The Connors" awful.  No, this is "The Masked Singer" awful.  There, I said it.