Taco Bell's latest offering to America's Insatiable Stupid Food Hole

In the sick, perverted fantasy world of Taco Bell, thousands of people stand in line like lemmings who've been told that their destination is a store selling the newest iPhone to buy whatever greasy piece of faux-Mexican food trash they deign to serve up this week.

As if this commercial wasn't dumb enough on it's face- and it is (I mean, seriously- how many hours are these people standing in line to purchase a taco dusted with cheese?  It's CHEESE, people- not gold.  Not the newest iPhones!  CHEESE!  And pretty much exactly the same kind of cheese you wipe on your pants after eating a bag of Doritos!  Seriously, people!)  we have the spectacle of a woman commenting on what she just waited on line for, purchased, and is now eating as she walks out the door (I actually find this rather believable.  Anyone dumb enough waste a day they'll never get back to buy a handful of greasy meat wrapped in a giant Dorito is certainly dumb enough to express amazement over the concept seconds after the purchase.)



Here's what I don't get, though:  Why is the product featured in this SNL ad from six years ago not on the menu at Taco Bell yet?  I mean, Taco Bell is owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken, the people who brought us the Sandwich with deep-fried chicken in the place of bread.  Surely they can figure out the physics of a taco-pizza-crepe-pancake combo.  I'd stand in line for that!*

*not really

Questions for the fans of Buffalo Wild Wings, etc.

1.  If you can't deprive yourself of football for one day a year to attend a friend's wedding, send the invite back with the "NO" box checked and send a gift.  Don't show up, eat the food, and sit at a table staring at your phone during the festivities like the self-absorbed douchenozzle you know you are.  Just stay home with your football game.  Everyone else will have a great time without you.  Hell, they'll have a BETTER time without you.

2.  If you go to Buffalo Wild Wings, please don't act like the guys in this commercial who act as if they are afraid that if they actually eat the wings instead of attacking them, the taste might catch up and they'll realize they aren't eating actual Buffalo Wings like the kind you can get at actual sports bars from Buffalo to Pittsburgh but rather bland, mass-produced chicken that's just fine if you want lots of finger food during a football game but nowhere near good enough if you've experienced the real thing.

3.  If you work for the ad agency that makes these commercials, please ask yourself why you think that potential customers need to be yelled at in every. Single. Buffalo Wild Wings Ad.  Because we don't.  People who enjoy the prospect of sitting in the Olive Garden of Sports Bars for three hours watching The Game (any game) on a big screen tv while eating barely-seasoned chicken and guzzling down pitchers of equally bland brand-name beer don't require this level of angry hype, and people who have taste won't respond to it anyway, so why not just skip it already?

Wow, I can't imagine why comments are blocked for this iPhone 11 commercial

I mean, you'd think that Apple and Sprint would WANT to soak in the adulation from the viewers who just love the idea of trading in their old iPhones (iPhone 7 or younger, in ANY condition and we mean ANY condition, ANY!) and also love the excitement just oozing like gangrene pus from these two chipper young people!*

Or maybe Apple and Sprint are well aware that they put together a complete Hot Mess of an ad which would inspire the average viewer to dive for the mute button much more than hunting up their old iPhone and heading off to the nearest Apple store to sign another economically ruinous contract in exchange for a marginally nicer and newer phone than the one you crippled your bank account to purchase six months ago.

*I'm being generous by calling Paul a "young" person- he's 48- but it might be more descriptive to just call him an easily-purchased whore for whichever company is willing to hand him a check, a description many would consider harsh but I don't think anyone could argue is inaccurate.

Postmates demonstrates a trend I really want to see end like right now please

Some time in the very recent past a whole lot of advertising agencies got the idea that being as disgusting as humanly possible was the best strategy for selling a product.  Don't offer information about your product, don't tell the viewer why your product was superior- hell, don't even tell him what your product IS.  Just be as stupid and gross as you think you can get away with (and that's a line that's getting harder to hurdle every moment,) slap that crud on tv, and there you go, you've got yourself a commercial that will get attention.

Negative attention, but attention.

This clip includes two commercials for something called "Postmates," which I'm going to guess is just another food delivery service.  I'm not at all sure why Postmates decided that the best way to sell their food service was to

1.  Hire a tax cheat as a spokeschoad.  I mean, come on, really?  Martha Stewart?  Why do I care what Martha Stewart is pimping?  She's a crook.  I associate her with ripping people off.  Why would I buy anything she rents her name to?  And

2.  Take away any semblance of an appetite I may have had before either ad hit the air.  The first one is dumb and gross.  The second makes the first almost passable by comparison.  Almost.

BTW, check out the second guy's apartment.  I don't care about him in the slightest.  I hope he went for the penthouse, because that just means it's all that much farther to the pavement   However, I'm really kind of stunned we don't see any blood.  Given the classiness displayed in both ads, I'd expect to see LOTS of blood- like, spraying everywhere, including all over that laptop screen.   Wouldn't that have been even MORE funny, Postmates?

Taylor Swift is Just Regular Folks. This has something to do with Capital One, I guess.

See, everyone?  Taylor Swift is just like you and me, performing  low-paying jobs badly and having a good time doing it, because if she gets fired well like I said she's just like you and me and she'll be doing her best to make ends meet while she seeks out another low-paying job.

Yep, it's just so adorable to see multi-millionaires slumming it to the delight of their fans, doesn't it?  Maybe Taylor can show up at my school and teach a class or two, failing adorably at that, too.  It would make her even more gosh-darned relateable, if that's even possible.  Meanwhile, there's seriously nothing more delightful than watching someone who makes more money in an hour than the people who actually work at the jobs she's cosplaying at make in a year pretending to be Just Another Struggling Laborer, don't you think?

Chevrolet, JD Power, and the bizarre Real People Cult

Let's cut to the chase with this crap, shall we?

JD Power and Associates is a "Global Marketing Information Service."  Which is to say, it conducts surveys of consumer satisfaction.  I just thought I'd let you know in case you had become convinced that existed ONLY to give ostentatious glittering plaques to Chevrolet- after all, the only time you EVER hear about this company is when Chevy's obnoxious Eurotrash spokeschoad is bleating about it to bs "real people" who are busily drooling over some BlandMobile or Truck.

JD Power doesn't buy advertising to let other companies know who they are or what they do.  They don't have to.  They figured out quite some time ago that all they have to do is hand phony awards to Chevrolet, and Chevrolet will be more than happy to give them free advertising- which also benefits Chevrolet.  Funny how that works, don't you think?

In fact, it's gotten so bad that in this particular commercial Chevy's played-out cretin spends the entire ad time praising...JD Power and Associates.  There's really no selling of a Chevy product anywhere in this ad.  Just this jackass with a Very Very Punchable Face telling us how very reliable JD Power and Associates' surveys are.   JD Power and Associates after all talks to even more Real People Not Actors than the Just Die Already scruffy Chevy yakker does, and whaddyaknow those Real People consistently say they bought Chevys and haven't killed themselves yet so Chevy must be really high in customer satisfaction JD Power and Associates says so.

And while this scumsucking little knob is busy kissing the butts of the company that keeps handing Chevrolet impressive-sounding but ultimately meaningless awards nobody outside of Chevrolet's corporate offices gives one flying damn about, a group of ethnically diverse zombies proceed to to close in on him like he's about to provide instructions for committing mass suicide.  Oh pardon me- I just envisioned a happy ending for this commercial.

Chantix Turkey Commercial snark, with commentary from YouTube posters

Take a look at the comments under this video- 90 percent of them include comments praising the "cute" and "adorable" turkey which gives them "the warm fuzzies."  Judging from these comments, there are a lot of people who actually LOOK FORWARD to these ads- I'm assuming because they are very small children trapped in the bodies of adults.

But maybe I'm being a little unfair.  So I'm going to intersperse dialogue from the commercial with snippets from actual YouTube comments (please feel free to check out the commercial and the comment section yourself if you'd like to check for accuracy...)

Commenter:  This is my favorite commercial. He just looks so calm and happy in his little puffy vest and hat, and I love his little head bobs as he walks. I dunno, it just gives me the warm fuzzies. :)

Commercial: "When you stop smoking with or without Chantix, you may experience nicotine withdrawal symptoms.

Commenter: I love this commercial and I actually look forward to this commercial coming onto the TV.

Commercial: "Stop using Chantix immediately if you start experiencing changes in behavior such as hostility, aggression, suicidal thoughts or actions, seizures..."

Commenter: I saw this commercial today and I thought it was so cute omfg 😭😭

Commercial: "Or life -threatening allergic or skin reactions..."

Commenter: This commercial is so clever , I love the intricate details. The turkey is so adorable I wish I could get one for a pet.

Commercial: "...increased alcohol use." Oh, and the fine print on the screen at this point adds "...a rash, peeling skin, or blisters.."

If you ever had any doubts as to why drug companies like Chantix use cute graphics, smiling people, outdoor settings and peppy music to sell potentially deadly drugs, this commercial should put them to rest for good. Almost none of the people commenting actually listened to the ad- they were too busy falling in love with a cartoon turkey. If they ever decide they want help in breaking the nicotine habit maybe they'll remember that awesome turkey that gave them the warm fuzzies and proceed to Ask Their Doctor if Chantix is Right for ThemTM. The potential side effects? What are those? If Chantix was dangerous, they'd have let them know, right?

One more Commenter: "He looks so happy and peaceful! It is cute as a button who wouldn't like this commercial. I don't understand the thumbs down from other people".

Yeahhhh....that's a good way to end this.