Just a few more questions for the people who make these State Farm ads....

1. What kind of life is Aaron Rodgers living where he's constantly checking his State Farm App?  How many claims can any one person have going at any given time?  Seriously, I'm concerned about what Rodgers is doing in between Not Winning Super Bowls.

2.  Why is this guy so obsessed with landing Aaron Rodgers (and/or Pat Mahomes) as a client?  This isn't Voya or AXA or Prudential or any other investment service.  Why does he care so much?

3.  Since he does care so much, why is he working for the only large insurance carrier in the United States that doesn't offer an App?

4.  Since he doesn't have Aaron Rodgers as a client, why is Rodgers always showing up at his office?  Is Rodgers stalking this guy, or what?  I mean, we don't see the weird insurance guy showing up in Green Bay to harass Rodgers.  We don't see him accosting Rodgers in the locker room moments after Rodgers' season has ended with a playoff loss (and he's had plenty of opportunities to do that, just sayin'.)  Rodgers is coming to HIM.  Why?

5. The latest ads feature this insurance guy having nightmares featuring Aaron Rodgers staring at him in a super-creepy way.  Seriously, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if this series of "funny" ads ends with Creepy Insurance Man writing a love letter to Rodgers before committing a murder-suicide with him.  Enough already.

Another Jared's "She Comes Cheap and Life is Short" Christmas Commercial

I know we just started talkin'

But since I'm sick of stalkin'

Look at the time we're clockin'

I've paid up my dues

So don't you do any thinkin'

Singles Life is really stinkin'

Just say yes without blinkin'

your Last Name's Old News

Oh No I am not fakin'

A mistake is what you're not makin'

Take the Token that says you're Taken

Time for Wedding Bell Blues

Oh sure I like your kisses

But lets get down to business

Time to make you a Mrs

You got nothin' to lose

Don't think of the guy you're pickin'

That clock inside is tickin'

Get sentenced to the kitchen

I'm partial to stews

I guess I could be more flirty

who knows if I'm even sturdy

but come on you're almost thirty

and life ain't no cruise

Outside its nice and snowy

And my car is snug and cozy

in the end, you're just a trophy

But I guess that you'll do.

NextGen Stats and Russell Wilson team up to give us an unintentionally hilarious ad

First, a sidebar if I may:  All of these NexGen"Stats"are drawn from exactly the same region that Trump supporter in the break room or at the bar gets his from- his loud, absurdly confident, ignorant ass.  If you think I'm wrong, please tell me the mathematical formula used to determine "catch probability." 

(Not to mention- even if the "catch probability" was "only" 29 percent, that's a nearly 1-in-3 chance that the pass is completed.  What is so damned amazing about that?)

Second, a great big pile of snark for using Russell Wilson of all people in this ad.  Whatever else he does in his career, Russell Wilson almost certainly be remembered for one pass more than any other- the one he threw to Malcolm Butler from the five yard line in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XLIX which sealed the game...for the Patriots. 

I wonder, what were the odds of Butler making that game-ending interception?  More than 1 in 3?

PRECISION!

GMC Black Friday Event is really giving Lexus December to Remember ads a run for their money

Apparently this god-awful insult is a reboot of last year's model, which I somehow missed.  Judging from the comments on YouTube, it was received with fury then, and I can see why.

So this Pretty Young Couple is enjoying life and the Holidays in their spotless, enormous Suburban Palace, and it's time to exchange gifts.  The young lady who I guess isn't a TrophyWife since she looks about the same age as her husband gives him-- um, an Apple Watch, or something like that.  Not exactly sure what it is, just that it's small and she got herself one too.  Oh, and she got one in black and one in red, and the guy picks up the red one and says "I love it." 

(Considering what happens, I think what he really loves is that she has totally bought into the "I'm getting myself something while getting you something" mindset, because he did the same thing.  He doesn't even LOOK at the gift she got him- clearly, he doesn't care what it is any more than I do.)

So he announces that HE got something for her and something for himself, too- so they go outside (and we get another view of that ridiculous house) and he reveals that he somehow managed to get two huge trucks parked (ostentatiously pointed into the street, naturally)  without Wife noticing.  She LOVES the....black one, even though it's quickly made clear that he intended the red one for her and the black one for him.  And this is where the Viewer Rage kicks in.  And I can't say I'm surprised, because it's where my rage kicked in, too (I was just resigned and irritated at how Pretty these people are or how Stupid-Big that house is.)

See, the stupid idiot guy went out and spent $100,000 or more on identical-model trucks that are exactly the same in everything except color, and his Otherwise Absolutely Perfect Life is marred because his Even More Disgusting Than Him wife insists on taking the truck she KNOWS he wants.  He's stupid for not announcing "I bought us trucks- red for you, black for me."  He's even dumber making this purchase without discussing it with her first, but that's just par for the course in car commercials these days- GMC, Buick, and Lexus just figure that this is what people do in December- they buy each other cars that cost more than the average full-time American worker makes in a year.  And he's Most Dumberest of All by not simply saying "um, no, the red one is yours- if you want it in a different color, let's just go down to the dealership and trade it in, sure it will cost the instant depreciation but come on it's not like we care about money, I mean, check out the house."

Maybe this guy figures he'll rescue just a little bit of his dignity by putting his foot down and demanding the black Apple Watch. That'll show her!

Or maybe he's already plotting out his revenge- next year, she's getting a Peloton bike.  That's always a nice, subtle little reminder that there ARE trophy wives out there who are younger, prettier, and maybe just a smidge less entitled when Sugar Daddy brings trucks home for the Holidays.

It's not as easy as creating a Facebook Group, but in the long run it could be a lot more effective....

Feel sad because this woman "just got deployed" and won't be spending Christmas with her family?  Well, you could join a Facebook Support Page and share Thoughts and Prayers and then go out to collect piles of lights and decorations and even take down a tree (I think this is the "Do Not Attempt" part- because nobody should ever attempt to chop down a tree unless you're an Officially Licensed Tree Chopper-Downer, I guess) in order to create a fake "Christmas" scene both outside of the family's house AND INSIDE AS WELL ("how did this happen?"  As in, "how did this Holiday MiracleTM take place, and not "how did these people get into our house and do all this while we slept, and who gave them a key, and seriously what the actual hell is happening here I thought this was about YOU missing Christmas, not all about us?")  You could respond to a woman being deployed for the holidays by assuming that meant that her homefront-bound family was going to go without decorations and a tree because Dad can't do any of this stuff without the soldier of the family around (can someone explain this to me?  Did she always do all the decorations so it can't be done without her?  Seriously, someone help me out here.)

You could do all this stuff from the comfort of your keypad, and in the end you'll get a bunch of photos which will allow you to share the Awesomeness of your Great Big Heart with all your "friends" on Facebook and which will help you forget that your MLM lost another $1600 this year and, once again, you kinda sorta forgot to give any money to that food bank and soup kitchen in your own home town (but seriously, where's the glory in THAT?)

But while you're doing all that, how about voting for candidates who won't support the ridiculous knee-jerk over-extension of America's military?  After all, the United States is currently at war with absolutely no one.  Anyone even care why this woman was suddenly deployed at all, never mind just before Christmas? Where's the compelling interest being defended here?  Whose freedoms are being defended by this woman?  What Vital Strategic Interest is being served by having Mommy on the other side of the planet instead of with her children?

Anyone? Someone?

Fios + Holiday + Disney = A Sad Commercial, Right from the Start

1.  "One thing I love about Disney, its that everyone can be a princess."

WTF?  Why would anyone WANT to be a Disney princess?  Disney princesses are, with very few exceptions, Trophies to be on the screen to have dreamy eyes and look pretty while they wistfully imagine being saved by a Big Strong ManTM.  If you think that's something worth aspiring to, please don't have kids.  Especially daughters.  But no sons, either.  Don't have sons.  Don't have kids at all. 

2.  "My TV is pretty much always playing a Marvel movie..." expand your horizons.  You are an infantile rut.  I mean, at least you didn't say "DC Comics" movie, but obviously that wasn't going to happen because we all know who owns Marvel.  Still...you have a Peter Pan complex and you need to stop bragging about it and start getting therapy for it.

3.  "Star Wars is everything.  It's my life" says a little kid who is way too young to be making such "deep" observations about himself.  And his father is standing right there, listening to this.  Red Flag, dad.  Not something you should be chuckling at- especially if early whispers about The Rise of Skywalker are to be taken seriously.)  Especially since this kid isn't old enough to have seen anything but the last two abominations in the theater.  If THOSE films made Star Wars "everything" to him, well...I mean, they weren't the Prequels, but still....

(OMG I'm nine seconds into this thing...)

4.  Another adult is telling us how her favorite Disney Princess (we're back to that again?) is Pocahontas.  Ok fine, maybe you saw it when you were very young, and she's the first-ever Princess of Color and that appealed to you, never mind that it followed the same tired Magic Natives Talking to Trees and Animals bit we've seen in a dozen other (racist) films.

Anyway, I'm done. The Patriots are on, I've got a stack of tests I must return to students tomorrow, and I'm assuming that at any moment I'll be told that my report card comments aren't QUITE good enough and need a few minor revisions, shouldn't take more than a couple of hours...I'm out.

Coming this Fall to NBC: Domino's 911!

This is one of the most unintentionally hysterical commercials out there, and that's saying a lot.

I mean, look at what's going on here:  The manager of a Domino's Pizza franchise gets a text message that tells him a recently delivered box of bland dough and sugary sauce topped with limp pieces of meat was "not quite up to standards."  He takes this "very personally," and acts exactly as if he's in command of an Emergency Care Unit rushing to the scene of a road accident. 

"We're going to expedite this order!" another franchiser who would be on suicide watch if she stopped to think for just one moment what she was panicking about  announces to her staff of high school dropouts and college students struggling to keep food on the table while getting that degree.  Because no matter what else is going on in that "restaurant," nothing is going to take precedence over dealing with the immediate tragedy of some taste-deprived loser in the 'burbs not getting exactly what they ordered on their Crap in a Box pizza.

"It might be a missing dipping sauce, it could be a wrong topping or it arrives cold..." yes, the Crisis could be any number of First World Problems that is a minor inconvenience to the customer but must be treated like a Life or Death matter to Domino's because....well, because if it's not Life or Death, we might stop to think about it for a second and blow our brains out.

At the end of all this nonsense, we see delivery monkeys literally roaring through the streets in their vehicles before sprinting up steps to hand over pizzas like they are transplanted organs being rushed into surgery.  And then we get the response of the stupid fat hicks who can't believe that they are being treated like f--ng royalty by a company willing to whip its employees into a frenzy to gain a competitive edge over PapaJohns, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut, etc. etc. ETC. 

In the end, I really do think that this should be a network tv drama.  Let's see the pain and anguish that comes from a crew of pretty young people who, try as they might, continue to occasionally fail to include mushrooms on that order or- distracted perhaps by a love triangle involving a cashier- miss a street and end up delivering the pizza at room temperature, resulting in a panicked Race Against Time to replace it during (lets say) a torrential rainstorm.  Let's use plenty of handheld cameras so we get a real sense of the pressure involved in getting just the right cup of dipping sauce out of the fridge and getting into the box with the Free This Month Only bottle of soda included and to that house in Bumblef--k USA before some arbitrary deadline that I guess exists because re-heating isn't an option.  I'm so ready for this, Network Television.  You've got a built-in sponsor .  Go for it!