Mercedes-Benz "Negotiation" Commercial is (hopefully) as bad as it can get

I'd like to suggest that this fat little creep needs a good kick in the pants followed by a lesson in decency a lot more than he needs an overpriced LookAtMeMobile, but Santa would have to hang around to provide that lesson in decency as the kid's parents certainly are not up to the task.

"It would be a real shame if this went viral."  Um, would it?  Only if you think the planet is filled with shallow, mentally challenged morons who think that every fat, bearded guy in a red suit is Santa Claus.  That's the only way anyone gives a flying damn about a shot of a guy with a wide ass dressed up like Santa Claus "goes viral."  Which means "Santa's" response makes zero sense.  He ought to tell that kid "go ahead and put it on the web, nobody gives a damn because nobody over the age of eight believes in Santa, you f--ng idiot."

Better yet, he ought to say "I'm your father, stupid.  I'm just having fun.  But thanks for demonstrating that you have no business being in possession of a phone with YouTube access.  I'm taking it back.  You can have your own phone when you get a job and pay for it yourself.

Unless he actually IS Santa.  In that case, he should stick with Option A and just tell the kid to f--k off and post the "compromising" photo.  And then repack all those gifts and tell the kid the entire house is on his Naughty List, permanently.  After all, the parents of this nasty fungus raised him to act like this, right?  And not only that-- Santa can peer into the future and see exactly how they'd react to their cruddy spawn getting a car that costs more than the average yearly salary by blackmailing St. Nicholas.  Massive fail on all levels.  F--k this kid, F--k his parents, and F--k Mercedes-Benz for soiling my television with this abomination.

Dominion Energy reminds us what we have to be thankful for.

"I have to go, honey.  I have to go Defend Our FreedomsTM."

"Defend our freedoms from who?  Who wants to take our freedoms away?"

"Um...bad people.  But don't worry, they live on the other side of the planet."

"So how are they threatening our freedoms?  Why do you have to go fight them?"

"We need to Fight Them There So We Don't Have To Fight Them HereTM."

"But why do you have to go?  How are you going to fight them?  Why can't you just be home for Thanksgiving?"

"Because Freedom Isn't FreeTM."

"But how are the bad people trying to take our freedoms?  And why do you keep talking in trademarked Cliche'-speak?"

"Got to go.  Wear this hat and think of me- you dad who can't be home because I'm well, you know, Freedoms and all that.  These Colors Don't RunTM."

"Why do I get the feeling this has something to do with an energy company, and that the freedom Daddy is fighting for has to do with profits?  Oh well, this is a nice hat, and so far he's always come back alive, and pictures of me in this hat make the easily-manipulated YouTube Sheep swoon, so...."

American Express lets us know that we can't buy happiness, but we CAN borrow it at 0% APR for 15 months

So this weirdly ugly young woman gets a piece of green plastic in the mail which encourages her to go out and recklessly spend money that she doesn't have on stuff that she's decided she wants but doesn't at all need.

And this commercial drops like a lead balloon on to a country whose people are drowning in record student loan and credit card debt....great, just great.  What's the key to happiness?  Spending more money than you have.  How can you do that?  With this little plastic rectangle.  Where will it lead to?  Stupid Debt.  Maybe the idea is to get you used to Stupid Debt so that when you get into Real, Unavoidable Debt- like before you reach that Health Plan Deductible or are trying to balance rent and student loan payments- you'll be used to carrying a balance month after month?

In any case, this woman is ugly at the beginning of an ugly commercial, and is no less ugly at the end of it.  Just poorer.  What a great message to toss on to the screens just before Black Friday.  Thanks, American Express!

Discover Antisocial Obnoxiousness

Because the best place to have a long conversation with the Discover Card phone bank is while you are standing in the middle of an aquarium.  I mean, other than a museum, library, waiting area at the airport, or while standing in line at the grocery store, I can't think of any better place to loudly discuss card options, can you?

What's that you say?  Have conversations like this while in the privacy of your own home? Well, how would you possibly be a royal pain in the ass to other people if you do that?  Seriously, if you're going to hold off on calls that can clearly wait until you get out of public areas, what's the point of even HAVING a cell phone?

Personally, I'd miss listening to people drone on at high volume about everything under the sun, including stuff that silly past generations might have considered Private.  Those silly old people, with their crazy backwards notions of not being a braying jackass around others who are just trying to enjoy their thoughts without being distracted by your Very Important Phone Conversations About Anything!  Fortunately they'll be dead someday so we won't have to deal with their sighs and head shakes and disapproving glances much longer!

(Oh, and here's an extra special punchline:  The comment option for this particular YouTube video is closed.  I guess Discover doesn't mind making commercials featuring people being obtrusive sociopaths, but don't really want to read any responses about said commercials from others.  Rather hypocritical, wouldn't you say?)

Just a few more questions for the people who make these State Farm ads....

1. What kind of life is Aaron Rodgers living where he's constantly checking his State Farm App?  How many claims can any one person have going at any given time?  Seriously, I'm concerned about what Rodgers is doing in between Not Winning Super Bowls.

2.  Why is this guy so obsessed with landing Aaron Rodgers (and/or Pat Mahomes) as a client?  This isn't Voya or AXA or Prudential or any other investment service.  Why does he care so much?

3.  Since he does care so much, why is he working for the only large insurance carrier in the United States that doesn't offer an App?

4.  Since he doesn't have Aaron Rodgers as a client, why is Rodgers always showing up at his office?  Is Rodgers stalking this guy, or what?  I mean, we don't see the weird insurance guy showing up in Green Bay to harass Rodgers.  We don't see him accosting Rodgers in the locker room moments after Rodgers' season has ended with a playoff loss (and he's had plenty of opportunities to do that, just sayin'.)  Rodgers is coming to HIM.  Why?

5. The latest ads feature this insurance guy having nightmares featuring Aaron Rodgers staring at him in a super-creepy way.  Seriously, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if this series of "funny" ads ends with Creepy Insurance Man writing a love letter to Rodgers before committing a murder-suicide with him.  Enough already.

Another Jared's "She Comes Cheap and Life is Short" Christmas Commercial

I know we just started talkin'

But since I'm sick of stalkin'

Look at the time we're clockin'

I've paid up my dues

So don't you do any thinkin'

Singles Life is really stinkin'

Just say yes without blinkin'

your Last Name's Old News

Oh No I am not fakin'

A mistake is what you're not makin'

Take the Token that says you're Taken

Time for Wedding Bell Blues

Oh sure I like your kisses

But lets get down to business

Time to make you a Mrs

You got nothin' to lose

Don't think of the guy you're pickin'

That clock inside is tickin'

Get sentenced to the kitchen

I'm partial to stews

I guess I could be more flirty

who knows if I'm even sturdy

but come on you're almost thirty

and life ain't no cruise

Outside its nice and snowy

And my car is snug and cozy

in the end, you're just a trophy

But I guess that you'll do.

NextGen Stats and Russell Wilson team up to give us an unintentionally hilarious ad

First, a sidebar if I may:  All of these NexGen"Stats"are drawn from exactly the same region that Trump supporter in the break room or at the bar gets his from- his loud, absurdly confident, ignorant ass.  If you think I'm wrong, please tell me the mathematical formula used to determine "catch probability." 

(Not to mention- even if the "catch probability" was "only" 29 percent, that's a nearly 1-in-3 chance that the pass is completed.  What is so damned amazing about that?)

Second, a great big pile of snark for using Russell Wilson of all people in this ad.  Whatever else he does in his career, Russell Wilson almost certainly be remembered for one pass more than any other- the one he threw to Malcolm Butler from the five yard line in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XLIX which sealed the game...for the Patriots. 

I wonder, what were the odds of Butler making that game-ending interception?  More than 1 in 3?

PRECISION!