WeatherTec: When you're completely dead inside

How do you know that the best years of your life are far, far behind you and every trace of your youth has been vanquished by age and the grind of routine?

Well, an excellent clue will be when you find yourself with visions of cupholders, weatherproof floor mats, and Smartphone dashboard accessories dancing in your head so insistently that you spend a ridiculous amount of time working to convince your Significant Other that all you want for Christmas is stuff that any normal person would just buy over the course of the year, as needed.  When that happens- yes, you're dead.  Just arrange the funeral already.

That being said-- what a contrast these people are to the Lexus, Audi and Buick Couples handing each other actual luxury cars for the holidays.  This guy doesn't want a new car- he wants some stuff to keep his old car looking better.  Almost makes me feel bad to snark on him, considering that he's being quite reasonable in his gift requests.  I'm assuming he doesn't live on the same block as that kid who got a $50,000 car by blackmailing Santa with an unflattering photograph or the woman whose hubby "delighted" her with a Peloton bike.  In other words, this is almost relatable.  I wonder if this guy's wife wants something equally practical?

The enduring "power" of Copper

Or "here's another product which plays off the weirdly durable myth that copper has magical pain-relieving qualities, brought to us from the finest minds of pre-Renaissance Europe!"

Seriously, in a nation where millions of people rub on, breathe in or actually consume "essential oils" when they aren't guzzling "skinny tea" in an attempt to "detox" as if they don't already have kidneys and a liver, maybe I shouldn't be surprised that Magic Healing Copper is still a thing.  I mean, the phony-as-it-gets Holistic Wellness Industry- be it the "nutrition" aisle at your local grocery store, the GNC brick and mortar cave at the local mall, or that non-friend you barely remember from High School attempting to "enlist" you to her Arbonne, Younique or Young Living downline through random, emoji-encrusted Facebook messages- brings in tens of billions of dollars to a very tiny group of people at the top of what sure looks like a pyramid every single year.  Copper socks?  What's so astonishing about that?

Still- this isn't the 9th century.  The Earth isn't flat, leeches aren't intentionally being used to suck "excessive blood," there are a  lot more than four elements, and no amount of boiling and mixing will turn base metals into gold.  So why does anyone buy the concept of copper as a pain reliever?  Especially when we already have prayer, chants, and crystals that, when placed properly, take care of that problem already in combination with plenty of water, rest, a proper diet and two Aleve tablets every four hours?

(Oh, but these are "improved"- in that, they are easier to put on than "normal" compression socks.  They don't even have 10 percent more copper healing power, what a ripoff!)

Atomic Beam SunBlast Security Light: More As Seen on TV Awesomeness!

You wouldn't think it would be possible for a commercial which features a man falling over his own trash cans and another man being killed by an outlet in the first eight seconds to be able to top such an awesome opening, but I think this commercial for SunNuclearBlastAmazingLight or whatever it is does just that.

Ah ok, it's actually called AtomicBeam.  I was pretty close.

Anyway, this is NOT just another "stick it anywhere" light like the kind we've seen advertised on tv for at least thirty years.  Nor is it yet another Only Available on TV item sold by a guy wearing a very generic sorta military outfit standing in front of a green screen featuring a very masculine looking Air Force jet for Reasons.  This sucker is SOLAR POWERED, and may I say that I'm so happy we've finally entered an era where a manly man in military gear pretending to stand in front of a genuine KillJet 440* can endorse something that does not derive its energy from fossil fuels.  Little victories!

For us nostalgia geeks, there's plenty of room for our old favorites, though- this light features "Industrial Adhesive" which allow it to stay on "almost any surface" and "Atomic Solar Panels" which charge the "Lithium Ion Battery" (if you're over 50, that might still sound impressive.)  Oh, and did I mention the "State of the Art" sensor which detects when you- or a pet, or a leaf, or a gust of wind- is nearby but probably turns off every once in a great while all the way up to the day six to eight weeks after you purchase it when it turns off permanently?  And I'm only thirty seconds in to this two minutes of Awesome!

We get to see a bunch of reasons why you NEED this light- like, despite having a substantial suburban mansion, you never got around to installing actual security lights to keep you from falling over your own garbage cans.  Plus this thing will blind those adorable white-gloved cat burglars who would like to get at your other As Seen On TV stuff. 

The LED panels "can last a lifetime without burning out."  They Can.  WILL they?  Um, kind of doubt it.  I mean, that kind of depends on how old the people who are buying it are.  I'm guessing that the average age of customers for the AtomicBeam Security Light is around 75.  So yeah, maybe.

Hey, there's Not Really Airman Whoever pretending to stand in front of that jet again.  1:17 in.  I can do this!

Ah, we're at the price- it's $19.99.  And if you jumped to the phone and started dialing as soon as you heard that price, you don't watch a lot of tv, do you?  OF COURSE you can get a SECOND ONE FREE plus the ATOMIC FLASHLIGHT FREE and OMIGOD WILL THE LITTLE LADY LOVE THIS just LOOK how THRILLED she is when you save her from the scary dark!  And you don't even have to worry if you accidentally encase it in fifty pounds of ice or cement (you know how that happens.)  Just pay a separate fee (kind of like whenever you buy anything in addition to what you were already buying.  I wonder why other companies never pull this bit- "you can get a hamburger, or a hamburger and a Coke, just pay a separate fee!") 

Ah, it turns out that this hilarity was only 1:45 long, the last 16 seconds is just the Director's Cut featuring the Best Scenes of the Commercial.  Again, for nostalgia purposes, probably.

*Not really a jet.

**I can't tell you how many times I've needed a flashlight and discovered that it's been frozen in a 50-lb block of ice, only to find that the flashlight no longer works after I rescue it using a sledgehammer.  And it's even worse when its in hardened cement, not ice.  That baby is GONE! 

Scratch Offs: The gift you hope never starts giving

Many years ago, Norm MacDonald in a stand-up routine pointed out that giving scratch off tickets as presents makes zero sense because there are only two possible outcomes, both of them really bad:

A.  They don't pay out, in which case the recipient remembers that you gave them expensive pieces of cardboard as an expression of friendship/appreciation.  In other words, you gave them....nothing.

B.  They pay out, in which case the gift-giver spends the rest of their life with the knowledge that they held financial security- maybe even luxury- in their hands for a few minutes, and just...gave it away....to the kid who shovels the walk, or the mailman, or your kids' teacher....whoever it was, you didn't mean to give them a $10 million dollar Christmas present now, did you? Not when you're worried about paying for your kids' college (the guy who got the scratch-off ticket? He's not worried about that, or anything else.)

In short, you want the recipient to appreciate the gift, but ultimately, you don't want it to amount to much of anything.  Heck, even a $50 or $100 payout is probably a lot more than you wanted to just give anyone not directly related to you (and frankly, I wouldn't want someone directly related to me to cash in that big at my expense.)

Punt all these idiots into a galaxy far, far away

So this kid is watching a Rise of Skywalker trailer on his phone in a dark room (f--king up his future vision, not that I give a damn) and decides that he needs a dog that reminds him of Chewbacca, a character that has almost no role in the new movies other than to be barked at by Rey and do her bidding.

His dad says no.  In keeping with what is expected of kids in commercials, this brat proceeds to harass his father- even to the point of hijacking the television using tech that same dad provided him- until dad breaks and agrees that he'd rather deal with the hassle of a dog than the hassle of a whiny little begging creep who is not going to stop.

So they go to get the dog, but it's too late- someone else has already adopted it.  I'm going to ignore the fact that dogs like this don't actually show up at shelters- anything that looks even moderately exotic is going to be living at a breeder or fancy pet store and is going to come with an equally fancy price tag.  Because this is TV, not reality.

When I first saw this ad, I thought that they had succeeded in adopting the dog, only to have the kid notice another animal he suddenly Couldn't Live Without and would now start whining to dad about adopting/buying.  At least I was wrong about that.  But this kid's elastic emotions annoy me almost as much as his obsession with a thoroughly craptacular series of films that almost make the prequels look good.  What if that dog doesn't look like a Star Wars character next year?  It's just a puppy- puppies turn into dogs, you petulant little rodent.  And what if that dog wants attention while you're playing with your stupid phone?  Who wins that little contest?

Microsoft Holiday ad that, naturally, the YouTubers think is just precious

It's so adorable that this little girl

1.  Takes an expensive, delicate piece of hardware out into the snow when she sees reindeer in the yard, and

2.  Proceeds to be an overbearingly entitled little brat when she learns that she can, indeed, talk to the reindeer.  Seriously, she doesn't even ask the reindeer if they wouldn't mind answering a few questions.  She just launches into "Ok, I have a lot of questions" and it's off to the races.  She doesn't stop to listen to answers, she doesn't attempt a conversation- it's just "I'm important, I want answers, you aren't important, you are to give me answers" in the most typical nasty-kid voice imaginable.

I just want this girl to ask if their horns are sharp, so they can give her a demonstration.  Ugh what a brat.

Geico just gets dumber and dumber

I see that since being handed a Super Bowl Ring by the refs in his final season in the NFL, Jerome Bettis has kept himself busy cheating in flag football (stiff arms are illegal.)  How nice.

Meanwhile, I'd take a skinny 16-year old over a middle-aged Jerome Bettis in a flag football game.  There's zero reason why it would be at all difficult to strip a flag from a lumbering old man (which makes me wonder why the defender is trying to tackle him, as if he doesn't know this is flag football and there's supposed to be tackling or something) unless this is just like the Super Bowl and Bettis can just do whatever he wants.

Oh, and check out the YouTube comments- even worse than usual.  Either a lot of people are willing to brown nose Geico for nickles these days, or glue-sniffing has become the national pastime because these posts....oh god are they embarrassing.