Northwestern Mutual total fail

I can say from the bottom of my cold, dead heart that I have never cared less about anything than this middle-aged bond trader's dream of spending a healthy retirement running all over the world.  I can only hope he blunders into North Korea one of these days, bringing his blissfully self-indulgent retirement to a very abrupt end.

Until then, the musings and longings of a guy who obviously has all the money he could possibly want and was never even once prevented from taking long vacations to exotic locations to run during his 30 years or so of wealth-accumulating hold zero interest for me.  I guess I'm just funny that way.  Funny and cold.

This "Nacho Fight" Taco Bell Commercial isn't really worth it, but....

...I guess we are supposed to completely ignore the fact that once these idiots stop inflicting injury on each other and several thousand dollars worth of damage to two apartments, that nacho they are fighting over is cold and covered with dust and germs?

...and I guess we are supposed to totally buy into the idea that the next door neighbors are fine with sharing their freaking sheet cake of nachos swimming in grease with the lunatics who smashed through their living room wall, violating THEIR lease agreement and costing them THEIR security deposit as well?

Oh never mind.  Like I said, really not worth it.  I'm more in awe of the comments that follow this YouTube contribution, which are even more repulsively slavish and even more devoid of brain cells than usual.

Another sad WeFixMoney.com ad

First....woman, before you start talking, please please PLEASE put that child in another room.  She should NOT hear this.  She should hold on to hope that mom isn't living on the margins and ready to make economically fatal decisions for as long as possible.

Mom doesn't listen to me.  Instead, she launches right into this "I have all these bills to pay, and zero savings, and my credit is in the toilet so when something goes wrong with my car I'm immediately in a position where I have to decide which bills I can simply ignore this month" Deadbeat Special Screed I guess we are supposed to relate to and sympathize with.

It gets worse.  Her "solution" is to get a payday loan from WeFixMoney.com.  Just a little money to tide her over until her paycheck shows up, Problem Solved.  All she has to do is take that check and pay off that "easy" loan, plus outrageous interest, and she and her daughter are all set- until the next Emergency (like the electric bill, or rent, or a late-night fever that requires medical attention) comes along....and it will.

Until then, the Mom here will be very grateful that a bloodsucking legal scammer online was there to take advantage of her miserable life.  Because Mom couldn't be bothered to get her act together before she started reproducing, and these bills for stuff she buys just keep coming, and it's Just So Hard Being a Single MomTM.  But I'm saving all my sympathy for that poor kid, who didn't buy in to any of this and just lost the genetic lottery by being the spawn of such a stupid, stupid woman.

Oh yeah, these people are Chevrolet Employees. Sure they are.

It's just so adorable that we are supposed to just buy in to the idea that Chevrolet employees make enough money to own big Suburban McMansions, wear designer-label clothing, and raise families in those suburbs.  So very precious.  What is this, 1955?

Oh, and BTW,

1.  How much IS the Chevrolet Employee Discount?

2.  Why would any Chevy Employee be thrilled to announce that their discount is being handed to just anyone, taking away probably the only actual perk of working at Chevrolet?

3.  "Chevrolet Family?"  "From our family to yours?"  "You're part of the family?"  Sounds pretty darned Cultish to me.

Go back home, E.T. Nothing to see here anymore.

So E.T. visited Earth 37 years ago and wandered into the backyard of a little boy living in suburban Los Angeles with his two siblings and divorced mom.  Over the next several days E.T. hid from the mom, had a tea party with the little girl, watched a little tv, got drunk, and built a device to signal his friends in outer space using a Speak and Spell, a coat hanger, and an umbrella.  Then he died, was Born Again in Fulfillment of the Script, rode a bicycle into the sky and eventually ascended into the stars while inspirational music and tears flowed.

Thirty-seven years later, E.T. returns to Earth to see what Elliot is up to.  Elliot's got kids of his own, this is going to be fun and cool again!  Except....what do Elliot's kids do with E.T.? They introduce him to YouTube.  They give him virtual reality goggles.  They feed him cake- probably the only part of this visit that seems at all like an old friend returning from a long absence in this entire four-minute plus nostalgia glurge.

Then E.T. goes back home, probably for good this time, because even though he managed to avoid actually dying during this trip, I don't think he's leaving with the warm fuzzies for Elliot's kids and their obsession with tech.  More likely he'll report to his superiors that Earth kids are nowhere near as interesting and fun as they were back in the 1980s, when that one kid who always wore headphones and was never off his bicycle represented "out of touch because of electronics."

Ridiculous Walgreens Christmas Ad

So this young couple who I have to assume has a kid somewhere in the house (do young childless couples put cookies out for Santa?) gulp down the cookies and milk only to realize that Santa Claus is real and has landed on a neighbor's roof.  Their IMMEDIATE concern is that they've eaten "his" milk and cookies.  Not that their reality has been torn into pieces by the sudden appearance of a logic-bending piece of mythology.  But that a demi-god has appeared in physical form, and it allegedly expects cookies and milk.

And their response to discovering that the Western World's most popular Lie that doesn't involve a carpenter and a plus-sign-shaped piece of wood is not a lie at all is to make a mad dash to Walgreen's to pick up a cheap tin of crappy mass-produced cookies (Cripes, even the local 7-11 would have been a better choice for sweets.)  Fortunately for them, Santa's ability to visit more than a billion homes in a single night doesn't negate the fact that it takes him 20 minutes to cross a street.  Something doesn't add up here, but why should this stupid ad start making sense now?

Anyway, the young couple- which besides almost killing several innocent people by recklessly driving at breakneck speed on icy roads to Walgreens in the unrealistic (but, it turns out, completely appropriate) expectation that they could get into that car, drive to Walgreens, get a box of cookies, drive back, and put them out in less time than it takes a magic fairy that will land on several hundred million rooftops over course of eight hours to attend to two houses (yes, I am rather fixated on this massive plot hole) - puts out the cookies and watches as Santa consumes them.  This is all supposed to be very lighthearted and sweet and whatever, but it just comes off as bizarre and stupid to nasty cynics like me.  You know, Sane People.

Kay Jewelers endorses the concept of ThoughtCrime

So the guy in this ad is clearly having a crappy day, getting burned out on the whole husband/father thing, feeling overwhelmed by not getting a moment's peace from his noisy, needy family.  He can't even eat a piece of toast and drink his morning coffee without having his personal space invaded by the insatiable demands of these people who live in his house and share his last name.

All he really wants is a few seconds to himself to reflect and recharge- but instead, he's assaulted from behind by his wife, who forces him to look at the Wall of Reminders that his life is NOT his own- he's got a wife, he's got kids, he's got responsibilities.  So stop moping, buddy- you aren't entitled to mope.  You aren't entitled to one freaking eye blink of solitude, because your wife sees you having quiet time as a threat to her existence as the freaking Center of Your Universe.  Besides, she assumes that you aren't just trying to gather yourself, but instead are contemplating how much easier- and fun- your life was before you Bought In and Sold Out.  And how long it's been since you've been out with any of your male friends to the sports bar or to play cards.  Or how cute and nice and almost-worshipful that last babysitter was.

Here's what has to happen now, at least as far as your wife is concerned:  You have to Make Amends for the wandering thoughts you dared to have without so much as a By Your Leave from your significant other.  Go out and get a mid-range piece of jewelry as a way of asking forgiveness for acting like a sovereign Human Being who actually owns the space between his ears.  And don't you ever show even the hint of fatigue, frustration, or bewilderment again or it's right back to Kay for you.