Why They Chose Verizon, Part I*

"So here's why I chose Verizon- I was in this flash flood, see, and I ignored all the 'Road Closed' signs- I didn't actually ignore them, I just didn't see them, didn't really know they were there until I watched the video I made on my phone when I was supposed to be watching the road but I was thinking 'man this is gonna go viral when I put it up on YouTube gonna get some serious hits with this."

"Anyway, my car ended up gettin' swept down the river.  I managed to get me and my phone (not necessarily in that order) out on to a branch, where I was in imminent danger of drowning if that branch cracked under my weight, plus that would have totally ruined my phone.  So then I did what any sensible person woulda done under the circumstances, I videochatted with my wife to let her know how amazing this all was an' also to let her know I was ok."

"After about twenty minutes she told me to stop yakking about how awesome everything looked and how this was all going to totally go viral and call emergency services.  Fortunately I had a magic phone which never runs out of battery power, 'cause I was able to make five calls to emergency services even after spending hours recording all this carnage, videochattin' with the wife, and changin' my Facebook status to In God's Hands Y'all LOL!"

"Come ta think of it, that phone ought to be the subject of this commercial...."

"Anyways, a helicopter finally showed up and saved me, wish I could show you but even magic phones run out of battery life eventually and wouldn't you know it I left the damn Jackery in the glove compartment.  What was I sayin'? Oh yeah, that's why I got Verizon, 'cause...I had a phone so I didn't get bored out there on that branch durin' the flood."

*I'll check out the other two chapters in this commercial and get to them for separate takes if they seem worth it.....

Hyundai Happy-or-Else Holiday Ad

1.  Hey look, TrophyWife decided that she would use the joint bank account to buy her husband a car for Christmas, how generous of her!

2.  Why is it that, in the moments leading up to the reveal of the "gift," TrophyWife has the same terrified look on her face that the now-infamous Peloton version of her had in that other commercial?  What is it with ads this season showing us women frightened of their husbands like this?

Northwestern Mutual total fail

I can say from the bottom of my cold, dead heart that I have never cared less about anything than this middle-aged bond trader's dream of spending a healthy retirement running all over the world.  I can only hope he blunders into North Korea one of these days, bringing his blissfully self-indulgent retirement to a very abrupt end.

Until then, the musings and longings of a guy who obviously has all the money he could possibly want and was never even once prevented from taking long vacations to exotic locations to run during his 30 years or so of wealth-accumulating hold zero interest for me.  I guess I'm just funny that way.  Funny and cold.

This "Nacho Fight" Taco Bell Commercial isn't really worth it, but....

...I guess we are supposed to completely ignore the fact that once these idiots stop inflicting injury on each other and several thousand dollars worth of damage to two apartments, that nacho they are fighting over is cold and covered with dust and germs?

...and I guess we are supposed to totally buy into the idea that the next door neighbors are fine with sharing their freaking sheet cake of nachos swimming in grease with the lunatics who smashed through their living room wall, violating THEIR lease agreement and costing them THEIR security deposit as well?

Oh never mind.  Like I said, really not worth it.  I'm more in awe of the comments that follow this YouTube contribution, which are even more repulsively slavish and even more devoid of brain cells than usual.

Another sad WeFixMoney.com ad

First....woman, before you start talking, please please PLEASE put that child in another room.  She should NOT hear this.  She should hold on to hope that mom isn't living on the margins and ready to make economically fatal decisions for as long as possible.

Mom doesn't listen to me.  Instead, she launches right into this "I have all these bills to pay, and zero savings, and my credit is in the toilet so when something goes wrong with my car I'm immediately in a position where I have to decide which bills I can simply ignore this month" Deadbeat Special Screed I guess we are supposed to relate to and sympathize with.

It gets worse.  Her "solution" is to get a payday loan from WeFixMoney.com.  Just a little money to tide her over until her paycheck shows up, Problem Solved.  All she has to do is take that check and pay off that "easy" loan, plus outrageous interest, and she and her daughter are all set- until the next Emergency (like the electric bill, or rent, or a late-night fever that requires medical attention) comes along....and it will.

Until then, the Mom here will be very grateful that a bloodsucking legal scammer online was there to take advantage of her miserable life.  Because Mom couldn't be bothered to get her act together before she started reproducing, and these bills for stuff she buys just keep coming, and it's Just So Hard Being a Single MomTM.  But I'm saving all my sympathy for that poor kid, who didn't buy in to any of this and just lost the genetic lottery by being the spawn of such a stupid, stupid woman.

Oh yeah, these people are Chevrolet Employees. Sure they are.

It's just so adorable that we are supposed to just buy in to the idea that Chevrolet employees make enough money to own big Suburban McMansions, wear designer-label clothing, and raise families in those suburbs.  So very precious.  What is this, 1955?

Oh, and BTW,

1.  How much IS the Chevrolet Employee Discount?

2.  Why would any Chevy Employee be thrilled to announce that their discount is being handed to just anyone, taking away probably the only actual perk of working at Chevrolet?

3.  "Chevrolet Family?"  "From our family to yours?"  "You're part of the family?"  Sounds pretty darned Cultish to me.

Go back home, E.T. Nothing to see here anymore.

So E.T. visited Earth 37 years ago and wandered into the backyard of a little boy living in suburban Los Angeles with his two siblings and divorced mom.  Over the next several days E.T. hid from the mom, had a tea party with the little girl, watched a little tv, got drunk, and built a device to signal his friends in outer space using a Speak and Spell, a coat hanger, and an umbrella.  Then he died, was Born Again in Fulfillment of the Script, rode a bicycle into the sky and eventually ascended into the stars while inspirational music and tears flowed.

Thirty-seven years later, E.T. returns to Earth to see what Elliot is up to.  Elliot's got kids of his own, this is going to be fun and cool again!  Except....what do Elliot's kids do with E.T.? They introduce him to YouTube.  They give him virtual reality goggles.  They feed him cake- probably the only part of this visit that seems at all like an old friend returning from a long absence in this entire four-minute plus nostalgia glurge.

Then E.T. goes back home, probably for good this time, because even though he managed to avoid actually dying during this trip, I don't think he's leaving with the warm fuzzies for Elliot's kids and their obsession with tech.  More likely he'll report to his superiors that Earth kids are nowhere near as interesting and fun as they were back in the 1980s, when that one kid who always wore headphones and was never off his bicycle represented "out of touch because of electronics."