iPhone's "Slofies." I don't want to be here anymore.

Several times over the last few years, I've snarked on iPhone and their penchant for making commercials encouraging people to be totally self-absorbed douchenozzles and buy the latest update because it has a slightly better camera which will allow the owner to spend huge amounts of time lovingly editing self-portraits for "sharing."

I should have figured this was coming.  Now you don't have to settle for taking selfies and hitting Image Editor for the next hour or so.  In fact, still shots of yourself have suddenly become very retro, if not downright quaint.  Get the iPhone XI and you can make "Slofies" (shoot me now, please) because it's definitely what everyone you know has been waiting for- slow-motion video of you staring at the Lucky To Know You or at least Follow you on Twitter recipient and otherwise doing absolutely nothing. 

Because nobody is doing anything anyway.  There are no books to read, essays to write, or jobs to do.  There is no actual human interaction to be had.  After all if there was, you would not have been spending all that time taking Selfies.  So here's something else you can do all by yourself to kill whatever time you have left until this thing we used to call Life is over.  And all you need is a $700 device the old-timers once used to make calls.

Let's wrap this up by appreciating how much the girl in this ad absolutely adores herself.  Wow.

Verizon Commercial, Part II: Why they Fight (um, I mean, Chose Verizon)

Ok, so I'm going to skip the middle part of this commercial, because it seems to somehow suggest that having Verizon made it easier or possible or something to get great concert seats yadda yadda yadda whatever.  Instead, let's go to the "military mom" and her ridiculous bowl of treacle:

"It's so important to me that Verizon supports military families.  When I have a child deployed it's so important that we have a reliable network."

 Um, what?  Ok, I'm going to assume that Verizon is playing a little Lying by Omission game going on here and we are supposed to hear "deployed" and think Afghanistan or Iraq.  Except- really?  Soldiers in war zones are carrying around cell phones and can take calls from the States any time they want?  No, I really don't think so.  So let me clean up Military Mom's pitch so that it at least passes the smell test, even if it doesn't hit all those cheap Patriot buttons like it's supposed to:

"So when I have a child who's been deployed in Germany, or Japan, or Guam, or any other scary Hotbed of Anti-American Freedom Activity because spending hundreds of billions of dollars a year to maintain a massively bloated, ridiculously unnecessary but vastly profitable for Certain Companies Military Industrial Complex, it's good to know that I can video chat with them from the War Zone that is Any Place Other Than The United States."

"I have all these grey hairs because my Hero Patriot Daughter keeps getting sent to places with weird non-American names like 'Poland' and 'Samoa' (sticking "American" in front of that name doesn't fool me, that's not in the USA I found it on a map!) which means she keeps getting sent to places where the Time Zones are totally different and a lot of people haven't even learned how to speak English as G-d Intended.  No matter where she's sent they speak Foreign Languages, I can hear them in the background during the video chats when she calls from a cave she pronounces "cafay" to make me feel like she's safe."

"Military Moms Serve Too."  Yep, and you're in about the same level of danger that 99.9 percent of the military that's allowed to casually video chat back home is, so seriously Verizon shove this manipulative garbage.

Why They Chose Verizon, Part I*

"So here's why I chose Verizon- I was in this flash flood, see, and I ignored all the 'Road Closed' signs- I didn't actually ignore them, I just didn't see them, didn't really know they were there until I watched the video I made on my phone when I was supposed to be watching the road but I was thinking 'man this is gonna go viral when I put it up on YouTube gonna get some serious hits with this."

"Anyway, my car ended up gettin' swept down the river.  I managed to get me and my phone (not necessarily in that order) out on to a branch, where I was in imminent danger of drowning if that branch cracked under my weight, plus that would have totally ruined my phone.  So then I did what any sensible person woulda done under the circumstances, I videochatted with my wife to let her know how amazing this all was an' also to let her know I was ok."

"After about twenty minutes she told me to stop yakking about how awesome everything looked and how this was all going to totally go viral and call emergency services.  Fortunately I had a magic phone which never runs out of battery power, 'cause I was able to make five calls to emergency services even after spending hours recording all this carnage, videochattin' with the wife, and changin' my Facebook status to In God's Hands Y'all LOL!"

"Come ta think of it, that phone ought to be the subject of this commercial...."

"Anyways, a helicopter finally showed up and saved me, wish I could show you but even magic phones run out of battery life eventually and wouldn't you know it I left the damn Jackery in the glove compartment.  What was I sayin'? Oh yeah, that's why I got Verizon, 'cause...I had a phone so I didn't get bored out there on that branch durin' the flood."

*I'll check out the other two chapters in this commercial and get to them for separate takes if they seem worth it.....

Hyundai Happy-or-Else Holiday Ad

1.  Hey look, TrophyWife decided that she would use the joint bank account to buy her husband a car for Christmas, how generous of her!

2.  Why is it that, in the moments leading up to the reveal of the "gift," TrophyWife has the same terrified look on her face that the now-infamous Peloton version of her had in that other commercial?  What is it with ads this season showing us women frightened of their husbands like this?

Northwestern Mutual total fail

I can say from the bottom of my cold, dead heart that I have never cared less about anything than this middle-aged bond trader's dream of spending a healthy retirement running all over the world.  I can only hope he blunders into North Korea one of these days, bringing his blissfully self-indulgent retirement to a very abrupt end.

Until then, the musings and longings of a guy who obviously has all the money he could possibly want and was never even once prevented from taking long vacations to exotic locations to run during his 30 years or so of wealth-accumulating hold zero interest for me.  I guess I'm just funny that way.  Funny and cold.

This "Nacho Fight" Taco Bell Commercial isn't really worth it, but....

...I guess we are supposed to completely ignore the fact that once these idiots stop inflicting injury on each other and several thousand dollars worth of damage to two apartments, that nacho they are fighting over is cold and covered with dust and germs?

...and I guess we are supposed to totally buy into the idea that the next door neighbors are fine with sharing their freaking sheet cake of nachos swimming in grease with the lunatics who smashed through their living room wall, violating THEIR lease agreement and costing them THEIR security deposit as well?

Oh never mind.  Like I said, really not worth it.  I'm more in awe of the comments that follow this YouTube contribution, which are even more repulsively slavish and even more devoid of brain cells than usual.

Another sad WeFixMoney.com ad

First....woman, before you start talking, please please PLEASE put that child in another room.  She should NOT hear this.  She should hold on to hope that mom isn't living on the margins and ready to make economically fatal decisions for as long as possible.

Mom doesn't listen to me.  Instead, she launches right into this "I have all these bills to pay, and zero savings, and my credit is in the toilet so when something goes wrong with my car I'm immediately in a position where I have to decide which bills I can simply ignore this month" Deadbeat Special Screed I guess we are supposed to relate to and sympathize with.

It gets worse.  Her "solution" is to get a payday loan from WeFixMoney.com.  Just a little money to tide her over until her paycheck shows up, Problem Solved.  All she has to do is take that check and pay off that "easy" loan, plus outrageous interest, and she and her daughter are all set- until the next Emergency (like the electric bill, or rent, or a late-night fever that requires medical attention) comes along....and it will.

Until then, the Mom here will be very grateful that a bloodsucking legal scammer online was there to take advantage of her miserable life.  Because Mom couldn't be bothered to get her act together before she started reproducing, and these bills for stuff she buys just keep coming, and it's Just So Hard Being a Single MomTM.  But I'm saving all my sympathy for that poor kid, who didn't buy in to any of this and just lost the genetic lottery by being the spawn of such a stupid, stupid woman.