Superbowl Commercial Fail #3- the disgusting Cheetos "can't touch this" commercial

First- congratulations to MC Hammer for proving me wrong in my prediction back in 1999 that we would never, ever see him again.  I'm not a prophet, and I underestimated the power of nostalgia.

Second- this entire commercial is predicated on the theory that lazy twats need an excuse to avoid doing work.  Believe me, they do not.  Nor do they need excuses for when they find themselves friendless and jobless- the reasons are obvious. 

Third- anyone who has ever eaten Cheetos knows that the act of eating them out of a bag does NOT coat your hand with cheese powder like this....unless....and I'm just being charitable here....the consumer of the Cheetos repeatedly licks his hand before going in for more non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.  So the guy in this ad isn't just a lazy twat who wants to avoid helping anyone do anything.  He's also an infant who wants to make absolutely certain no one asks him for some of those non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.

Fourth- go away, MC Hammer. You were not missed.  Not by anyone.  Not even for a moment.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 2- the Mountain Dew Spot

This is what happens when you've got a bucket of money to pay for a Superbowl ad but lack an actual product to sell:  You just pander to the slack-jawed yokels who only watch the game for the ads and expect to be entertained without being asked to remember what the product was (and, in fact, don't even care if a product was being offered for sale at all.)

We get nonsense pandering garbage like this.  Hey look, everybody- we're doing a take on The Shining, that's just a super-awesome original idea, isn't it?  And it's really really funny because all this "scary" fuss is about a yellowish-green liquid nobody with taste buds would want to drink.

Remember when Jack Nicholson said "heeeere's Johnny!" in The Shining?  Remember how that improv became so iconic?  Remember how it then became beaten into the ground with repetition on sitcoms, in films, live on stage and pretty much everywhere else over the past four decades?  Well, here it is again.  Laugh, Viewer Monkeys!

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 1- the Jason Momoa Rocket Mortgage Spot

First, let me say that Jason Momoa is certainly doing very well for himself, based on that house and assuming that really IS his house.  I mean, this is a guy who was "starring" in Baywatch Hawaii twenty years ago.   Don't remember Baywatch Hawaii?  There's a very good reason.

How many other former cast members of Baywatch Hawaii are living in a house like that?  Again, this guy is doing very well for himself.

On the other hand, this is the wrong marketing campaign for Rocket Mortgage, a BS do-it-from-your-phone mortgage company that dresses itself up like an intelligent alternative to the actual brick and mortar bank down the street to sign away several thousand dollars a month for the next thirty years.  In fact, this is EXACTLY how I think about Rocket Mortgage- impressive-looking on the outside due entirely to claims it makes for itself, but absolutely phony beneath the surface.   A company acting like the new Big Rich Boy on the block while struggling to compete by spinning off mortgage services to stupid people behind closed doors.  A scrawny FAKE hiding under an armor of borrowed legitimacy in an age where people trust Apps waaaaayyyyy too much.

But good for you, Jason Momoa, for making so much out of so very little.  I don't know of anyone else whose career even survived that awful tv show from the turn of the century.  One surprisingly good and popular DC Comics film and you're living in that house.  Way to go.  Gotta knock your Rocket Mortgage hustle, though.  You don't know anything about this.  You don't need this money.  Maybe you should just head over to State Farm and become Aaron Rodgers' best friend, now that his old one has superseded him on the football field.

Raymond James: Whatever they went through, every fall was broken by a big pile of money

....That just kept growing and growing and growing...

The pasty white couple in this ad got married and moved to the suburbs.  The guy got a Suitable Job at an Office downtown, while the woman got to work having 2.5 children.  They experienced Everyday Life- new jobs, problems with kids (including a trip to the emergency room at some point,) in-laws and other relatives, etc. etc. etc.  Oh, they had a nasty wading pool on their postage stamp lawn because that's what suburban families that want to be hated by their neighbors do, I guess.

After years of years of this very banal, very ordinary Life, the couple are elderly and that wading pool has been replaced by an in-ground pool which I guess they could afford despite the fact that all this time they've been throwing money at their Raymond James representative so that someday they could stop working at Very Important Jobs in Big Office Buildings and just...well, die with money, I guess.

All of this is supposed to be very inspiring, I suppose, but frankly, I can't work up the warm feels for this couple or any other which is just going through the Everyday of being a privileged white couple with children in the United States in 2019.  Get back to me when you want to make a commercial showing the guy flipping burgers, the woman falling for an MLM pyramid scheme because she can't afford daycare and they can't make ends meet in a one-bedroom apartment in the bad part of town.  Oh, but people like that don't have extra money falling out of their pockets every month, and therefore are not Raymond James customers, so they just don't count.  To Raymond James, that is.

Absolutely disgusting Kraft Mac and Cheese Commercial

Your kid responds to the prospect of fish for dinner by acting like he's gagging and wants to throw up in advance?  Well, once you get over the fact that you raised an entitled little twat who has zero respect for his parents, I guess the only thing you can do is ditch the healthy dinner choice and go to tacos drenched in fatty fake cheese.

Because in the end, all that matters is that Your Precious Little One gets what he wants and there's Peace in the Family.

Here's another idea- don't raise a kid to respond to a dinner he wouldn't necessarily choose for himself in this way.  Instead raise a kid who is willing to try everything placed in front of him before prejudging it because it's not covered in batter, gravy, or cheese.

In other words, be a PARENT.

Or, you can just let your precious nine-year old write up the grocery lists and dictate what you are going to be cooking at every meal.  That works, too- especially if you are terrified of your kid.  And aren't really interested in being parents.

Ugh, Kraft.  This is seriously damaged.

Credit Associates: More "duck your responsibility" garbage

"Here's what the credit card companies don't want you to know: If you owe more than $10,000 in credit card debt, you have the RIGHT to allow US to WORK to lower that amount to a fraction of what you owe..."

Here's what Credit Associates, CreditRepair, Optima, and every other "pay us to do what you can do yourself" scumbucket organizations like this Don't Want You to Know:

First, you don't have to owe $10,000, $5000 or even $1000 to talk to your credit card companies about setting up a payment plan or reducing your interest rate.  Pretty much EVERY credit card company will be more than happy to work with you on the former.  You are far less likely to achieve the latter, unless you've already got a great credit rating and/or threaten to move to another credit card company which has already approved you and is ready to transfer your debt over to them.   The reason why these scum-sucking cretins always pitch the "If you owe more than" line is because they are specifically targeting people who are in deep, deep trouble and know that people with moderate debt are far less likely to fall for their pie-in-the-sky promises of getting out from under responsibilities.

Second, you don't have a "right" to anything from your creditors other than a monthly statement explaining exactly how much you owe, what the interest rate is, and how long it will take you to pay it off (and what the final amount paid on the original debt will be if you foolishly opt to make only minimum payments every month.)  When these companies say that you have the "right" to lower your debt, they are simply lying.  You have the right to negotiate. You have the right to ask.  You don't have the right to lower payments, lower interest rates, or to have your credit card company simply forgive part of your debt (this last can be achieved only through bankruptcy proceedings. Which leads me to my final point...)

Third, even if by some perfect combination of stalling, begging and negotiating you did manage to get your credit card debt reduced by these weasels, your celebration of victory over The System will last only as long as it takes for you to check your new, Far from Improved Credit Score.  Because guess what?  No credit card company, having evidence that you pulled crap like hiring one of these bottom-feeders, is going to extend credit to you for years, if not decades, if not For Ever.  Think about that before you decide that the long, slow slog involved in paying off a credit card debt isn't for you and you'd rather go for the Unlikely Quick Fix with long-term consequences.  Or get to know the Payday Loan guy down the street.  Bring your car title.

How to translate Coast One and all other "tax relief" commercials.

Want to win sympathy from your audience?  Here are a few tips on the proper language of deadbeats and other "obligations just don't work for me" scofflaws:

"I owed the IRS $37,000" sounds a lot better than "I owed the American People $37,000."  The IRS is a big, scary Gummint Agency that wants to take your money away from you.  The American People...well, that's Us.  And we have this annoying habit of wanting everyone to pay their fair share.  We aren't all that sympathetic to people who want to "maintain their lifestyles" on our dime, which is exactly what people who are in debt to US want to do.

"They can garnish your wages, ruin your credit score, come after you" all sounds a lot better than "they can make you pay your legal debt to the country."  Yes, the IRS has enforcement power.  Taxes aren't voluntary contributions you make because you've got extra money burning a hole in your pocket, and it's perfectly convenient for you to chip in at the moment.  They are the mandatory fee you are required to pay in order to enjoy the benefits of the society they provide.  This isn't complicated.  But apparently a lot of people don't get it.

"I saved 93%" sounds a lot better than "the firm I hired managed to delay and harass the United States into cutting me a deal which benefited my bottom line, rewarded me for being an irresponsible, selfish douchenozzle, and punished the rest of you suckers who pay your taxes every year without complaint because you understand that Freedom isn't Free."

So seriously, FU to Coast One and every other tax relief "service" out there, and a great big FU to its customers who think that their debts are Unfair and should be made Our Problems and not theirs.  You people make me sick, especially this time of the year.