Superbowl Commercial Fail # 4- the Domino's Pizza "Risky Business" commercial

Somehow, the human-sized fungus in this ad is living in a palace of a house- I'm thinking "lottery winner" or maybe "house-sitter."  House-sitter would certainly explain why he starts the commercial trying to eat a TV dinner he has no interest in.

Anyway, Domino's decided that we're all super-nostalgic about the 80s nowadays (we've got that Top Gun sequel coming up this summer, right?) and everyone over the age of 45 or so will remember when Tom Cruise danced around the house in his underwear.  What Domino's forgot was that the scene they are lamely attempting to copy here takes place EARLY in the film, before Cruise's character has the night of his life- and having the night of his life has absolutely nothing to do with eating a bland, mass-produced pile of carbohydrates and sugar which tastes only slightly better than the box it came in.

The delivery guy makes some allusion to the idea that the fungus is going to have a great night.  Yeah, that's what I would think if I delivered a pizza to a guy I caught dancing around in his underwear, all by himself.  Right after I thought "wow, what a winner" and "I'd give anything to be THIS guy."  Uh huh.

Let's be real.  The dancing bacteria stain is going to take that pizza and a pack of Red Bull to his Rogers Electric Game Brick and settle down for a long night of playing whatever Call of Duty version we're up to these days.  The best part of his night- anticipating the brief human contact that came along with the pizza- is over.  As over as Domino's poorly thought-out attempt to tickle my nostalgia bone.

Expedia "Spa Weekend" ad: the only thing dumber is the comment section

If I owned a dog, I'd want a vacation from that dog.  Not a vacation WITH that dog.

And I really appreciate hotels that list themselves as "pet friendly."  To me, that means "people Un-friendly," and tells me they are hotels to avoid.

And now, an aside to all you dog owners who decided to pollute the comment section with your twee nonsense:  "That Look" the dog is giving it's owner in this ad is the only look the dog has.  That's how the dog looks when it's really happy.  That's how the dog looks like when it's really sad.  That's when the dog looks like at all times.  Dogs don't have the facial muscles required to frown, or smile, or any of the things you THINK the dog is doing because you are very sad people who desperately want to fill some weird holes in your lives with a companion that you think "love" you because....well, I'm not going to psychoanalyze you psychos beyond that.

The dog in this ad is just looking at its owner.  Maybe it wants to take a walk.  Maybe its hungry.  Maybe its just a mammal with a brain the size of a walnut that's been trained to have absolutely no clue what to do unless its being directed by its owner (I favor this interpretation as most likely.)  It has zero idea that you're planning a trip without it.  If you leave it at home it will probably be somewhat disoriented for a while, and when you return it will welcome the end of the fear that came with that confusion, and you'll interpret that as "he missed me" and "he loves me" because that's the sad person you are.

But, by all means: take your dog on vacation with you, so it can cut into your relaxation time by demanding walks, meals, etc.  Personally, I think vacations are completely fulfilling even if they don't include having to pick up feces and deposit it into plastic bags, but that's just me.  I'm not insane.

Superbowl Commercial Fail #3- the disgusting Cheetos "can't touch this" commercial

First- congratulations to MC Hammer for proving me wrong in my prediction back in 1999 that we would never, ever see him again.  I'm not a prophet, and I underestimated the power of nostalgia.

Second- this entire commercial is predicated on the theory that lazy twats need an excuse to avoid doing work.  Believe me, they do not.  Nor do they need excuses for when they find themselves friendless and jobless- the reasons are obvious. 

Third- anyone who has ever eaten Cheetos knows that the act of eating them out of a bag does NOT coat your hand with cheese powder like this....unless....and I'm just being charitable here....the consumer of the Cheetos repeatedly licks his hand before going in for more non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.  So the guy in this ad isn't just a lazy twat who wants to avoid helping anyone do anything.  He's also an infant who wants to make absolutely certain no one asks him for some of those non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.

Fourth- go away, MC Hammer. You were not missed.  Not by anyone.  Not even for a moment.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 2- the Mountain Dew Spot

This is what happens when you've got a bucket of money to pay for a Superbowl ad but lack an actual product to sell:  You just pander to the slack-jawed yokels who only watch the game for the ads and expect to be entertained without being asked to remember what the product was (and, in fact, don't even care if a product was being offered for sale at all.)

We get nonsense pandering garbage like this.  Hey look, everybody- we're doing a take on The Shining, that's just a super-awesome original idea, isn't it?  And it's really really funny because all this "scary" fuss is about a yellowish-green liquid nobody with taste buds would want to drink.

Remember when Jack Nicholson said "heeeere's Johnny!" in The Shining?  Remember how that improv became so iconic?  Remember how it then became beaten into the ground with repetition on sitcoms, in films, live on stage and pretty much everywhere else over the past four decades?  Well, here it is again.  Laugh, Viewer Monkeys!

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 1- the Jason Momoa Rocket Mortgage Spot

First, let me say that Jason Momoa is certainly doing very well for himself, based on that house and assuming that really IS his house.  I mean, this is a guy who was "starring" in Baywatch Hawaii twenty years ago.   Don't remember Baywatch Hawaii?  There's a very good reason.

How many other former cast members of Baywatch Hawaii are living in a house like that?  Again, this guy is doing very well for himself.

On the other hand, this is the wrong marketing campaign for Rocket Mortgage, a BS do-it-from-your-phone mortgage company that dresses itself up like an intelligent alternative to the actual brick and mortar bank down the street to sign away several thousand dollars a month for the next thirty years.  In fact, this is EXACTLY how I think about Rocket Mortgage- impressive-looking on the outside due entirely to claims it makes for itself, but absolutely phony beneath the surface.   A company acting like the new Big Rich Boy on the block while struggling to compete by spinning off mortgage services to stupid people behind closed doors.  A scrawny FAKE hiding under an armor of borrowed legitimacy in an age where people trust Apps waaaaayyyyy too much.

But good for you, Jason Momoa, for making so much out of so very little.  I don't know of anyone else whose career even survived that awful tv show from the turn of the century.  One surprisingly good and popular DC Comics film and you're living in that house.  Way to go.  Gotta knock your Rocket Mortgage hustle, though.  You don't know anything about this.  You don't need this money.  Maybe you should just head over to State Farm and become Aaron Rodgers' best friend, now that his old one has superseded him on the football field.

Raymond James: Whatever they went through, every fall was broken by a big pile of money

....That just kept growing and growing and growing...

The pasty white couple in this ad got married and moved to the suburbs.  The guy got a Suitable Job at an Office downtown, while the woman got to work having 2.5 children.  They experienced Everyday Life- new jobs, problems with kids (including a trip to the emergency room at some point,) in-laws and other relatives, etc. etc. etc.  Oh, they had a nasty wading pool on their postage stamp lawn because that's what suburban families that want to be hated by their neighbors do, I guess.

After years of years of this very banal, very ordinary Life, the couple are elderly and that wading pool has been replaced by an in-ground pool which I guess they could afford despite the fact that all this time they've been throwing money at their Raymond James representative so that someday they could stop working at Very Important Jobs in Big Office Buildings and just...well, die with money, I guess.

All of this is supposed to be very inspiring, I suppose, but frankly, I can't work up the warm feels for this couple or any other which is just going through the Everyday of being a privileged white couple with children in the United States in 2019.  Get back to me when you want to make a commercial showing the guy flipping burgers, the woman falling for an MLM pyramid scheme because she can't afford daycare and they can't make ends meet in a one-bedroom apartment in the bad part of town.  Oh, but people like that don't have extra money falling out of their pockets every month, and therefore are not Raymond James customers, so they just don't count.  To Raymond James, that is.

Absolutely disgusting Kraft Mac and Cheese Commercial

Your kid responds to the prospect of fish for dinner by acting like he's gagging and wants to throw up in advance?  Well, once you get over the fact that you raised an entitled little twat who has zero respect for his parents, I guess the only thing you can do is ditch the healthy dinner choice and go to tacos drenched in fatty fake cheese.

Because in the end, all that matters is that Your Precious Little One gets what he wants and there's Peace in the Family.

Here's another idea- don't raise a kid to respond to a dinner he wouldn't necessarily choose for himself in this way.  Instead raise a kid who is willing to try everything placed in front of him before prejudging it because it's not covered in batter, gravy, or cheese.

In other words, be a PARENT.

Or, you can just let your precious nine-year old write up the grocery lists and dictate what you are going to be cooking at every meal.  That works, too- especially if you are terrified of your kid.  And aren't really interested in being parents.

Ugh, Kraft.  This is seriously damaged.