Popeye's Chicken Sandwich, and the American Obsession with TV "fame"

Clearly, the people in this ad just wanted to be on television.  They didn't care if they had to be disgusting.  They didn't care if they had to act as if a sandwich had become the center of their universe.  Heck, they didn't care if the director told them to act as if they wanted to have non-consensual sex with that sandwich.  As long as the result was promised Face Time on TV, they were willing to do anything.  Which is why we see two fat ugly people describe the mystical experience they are having with a pile of fried ground chicken slavered with mayo, and another girl doing nothing more than pointing at the sandwich she apparently tried and failed to completely jam into her ridiculous maw and giving us "It good me eat you eat too" vibes.

Personally, I'd rather be anonymous than in a position where people might be texting me asking "hey is that your ridiculous fat face making a total ass of yourself in a freaking Popeye's commercial?"  But hey, that's just me.

Verizon Fios Mix & Match: Where DID those kids come from?

"All we need is every channel possible plus fast and unlimited internet service.  That's all we need.  If we just have those two things, we'll be Happy."

"If we don't have one of those two things- both of which, remember, we Need- we'll be miserable, and our family will be disfunctional.  We simply will not be able to go on.  Me, my husband, and these two kids who came from somewhere or another- we'll all act like we're trapped in a bomb shelter, the world has been nuked, and there's one television and DVD player that makes up one hundred percent of our entertainment options.  In other words, Thunderdome.  We'll be at each other's throats in fifteen seconds flat, and only the Strong will Survive."

"And if we can't have 3000 channels and a DVR which allows us to watch one of them while recording 16 others at the same time and be able to stream movies on our phones while talking and texting to other sapient human beings, well, I think a suicide pact is probably in the offing.  I mean, the only alternative I could think of other than quickly guzzling down a mixture of barbiturates and vodka is a board game or conversation, and that would just be ridiculous.

"After all, the last time two times the internet crashed, we got these little people nine months later.  Not going through THAT again."

American Car Shield + Ernie Hudson = Really, Really Sad

I'd say this is another case of a big Hollywood Star (or retired athlete) shilling for a few extra dollars- like Magic Johnson shilling for Rent A Center or Shaquille O'Neal pimping for The General car insurance.  Except, Ernie Hudson is not and never has been a big Hollywood Star.  This is a lot more like Wesley Snipes pitching anything he can get paid for pitching.  Shame on you, Earnie.  You were a freaking Ghostbuster when that meant something!

I wasn't going to use this ad. I was going to leave Ernie alone.  After all, I've snarked on this company before and I don't like to go back to the same well too often.  But two things changed my mind and convinced me to make this post:

1.  American Car Shield has apparently decided to be a HUGE sponsor of the XFL.  Not only did this commercial show up no less than a dozen times during the game I was watching this afternoon, but a THIRTY MINUTE INFOMERCIAL VERSION came on immediately following.  It's on as I'm typing this- and from my den I can hear disgusting lying spokeschoads yukking it up with Ernie Hudson about how "the check engine light is the scariest sight in the whole world" (that's the definition of Privilege, people) and yakking with nameless mechanics (unless you think a first name followed by an initial is a name) about how high even the simplest auto repair bills can be these days we've all got to stretch every dollar as far as it can go during these tough times yadda yadda yadda buy this scummy, scammy non-insurance 'cause look Ernie Hudson and all these "mechanics" and actors pretending to be customers just swear by it.

2.  Ernie Hudson commits two unforgivable crimes during (at least the long version) of this ad.  First, he's sitting there wearing a stupid Official Car Shield t-shirt like he's an f--ing employee you might expect to bump into at the non-existent Official Car Shield Office That Doesn't Exist Near You.  Second, he tells us - with a straight face- "when you need affordable coverage on your car, who ya gonna call?"  Yes, he went there.  I can only hope that Columbia Pictures slaps this bs "insurance" company down hard with a trademark violation suit.  Sorry, Ernie, but you and your new friends would totally deserve it.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 4- the Domino's Pizza "Risky Business" commercial

Somehow, the human-sized fungus in this ad is living in a palace of a house- I'm thinking "lottery winner" or maybe "house-sitter."  House-sitter would certainly explain why he starts the commercial trying to eat a TV dinner he has no interest in.

Anyway, Domino's decided that we're all super-nostalgic about the 80s nowadays (we've got that Top Gun sequel coming up this summer, right?) and everyone over the age of 45 or so will remember when Tom Cruise danced around the house in his underwear.  What Domino's forgot was that the scene they are lamely attempting to copy here takes place EARLY in the film, before Cruise's character has the night of his life- and having the night of his life has absolutely nothing to do with eating a bland, mass-produced pile of carbohydrates and sugar which tastes only slightly better than the box it came in.

The delivery guy makes some allusion to the idea that the fungus is going to have a great night.  Yeah, that's what I would think if I delivered a pizza to a guy I caught dancing around in his underwear, all by himself.  Right after I thought "wow, what a winner" and "I'd give anything to be THIS guy."  Uh huh.

Let's be real.  The dancing bacteria stain is going to take that pizza and a pack of Red Bull to his Rogers Electric Game Brick and settle down for a long night of playing whatever Call of Duty version we're up to these days.  The best part of his night- anticipating the brief human contact that came along with the pizza- is over.  As over as Domino's poorly thought-out attempt to tickle my nostalgia bone.

Expedia "Spa Weekend" ad: the only thing dumber is the comment section

If I owned a dog, I'd want a vacation from that dog.  Not a vacation WITH that dog.

And I really appreciate hotels that list themselves as "pet friendly."  To me, that means "people Un-friendly," and tells me they are hotels to avoid.

And now, an aside to all you dog owners who decided to pollute the comment section with your twee nonsense:  "That Look" the dog is giving it's owner in this ad is the only look the dog has.  That's how the dog looks when it's really happy.  That's how the dog looks like when it's really sad.  That's when the dog looks like at all times.  Dogs don't have the facial muscles required to frown, or smile, or any of the things you THINK the dog is doing because you are very sad people who desperately want to fill some weird holes in your lives with a companion that you think "love" you because....well, I'm not going to psychoanalyze you psychos beyond that.

The dog in this ad is just looking at its owner.  Maybe it wants to take a walk.  Maybe its hungry.  Maybe its just a mammal with a brain the size of a walnut that's been trained to have absolutely no clue what to do unless its being directed by its owner (I favor this interpretation as most likely.)  It has zero idea that you're planning a trip without it.  If you leave it at home it will probably be somewhat disoriented for a while, and when you return it will welcome the end of the fear that came with that confusion, and you'll interpret that as "he missed me" and "he loves me" because that's the sad person you are.

But, by all means: take your dog on vacation with you, so it can cut into your relaxation time by demanding walks, meals, etc.  Personally, I think vacations are completely fulfilling even if they don't include having to pick up feces and deposit it into plastic bags, but that's just me.  I'm not insane.

Superbowl Commercial Fail #3- the disgusting Cheetos "can't touch this" commercial

First- congratulations to MC Hammer for proving me wrong in my prediction back in 1999 that we would never, ever see him again.  I'm not a prophet, and I underestimated the power of nostalgia.

Second- this entire commercial is predicated on the theory that lazy twats need an excuse to avoid doing work.  Believe me, they do not.  Nor do they need excuses for when they find themselves friendless and jobless- the reasons are obvious. 

Third- anyone who has ever eaten Cheetos knows that the act of eating them out of a bag does NOT coat your hand with cheese powder like this....unless....and I'm just being charitable here....the consumer of the Cheetos repeatedly licks his hand before going in for more non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.  So the guy in this ad isn't just a lazy twat who wants to avoid helping anyone do anything.  He's also an infant who wants to make absolutely certain no one asks him for some of those non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.

Fourth- go away, MC Hammer. You were not missed.  Not by anyone.  Not even for a moment.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 2- the Mountain Dew Spot

This is what happens when you've got a bucket of money to pay for a Superbowl ad but lack an actual product to sell:  You just pander to the slack-jawed yokels who only watch the game for the ads and expect to be entertained without being asked to remember what the product was (and, in fact, don't even care if a product was being offered for sale at all.)

We get nonsense pandering garbage like this.  Hey look, everybody- we're doing a take on The Shining, that's just a super-awesome original idea, isn't it?  And it's really really funny because all this "scary" fuss is about a yellowish-green liquid nobody with taste buds would want to drink.

Remember when Jack Nicholson said "heeeere's Johnny!" in The Shining?  Remember how that improv became so iconic?  Remember how it then became beaten into the ground with repetition on sitcoms, in films, live on stage and pretty much everywhere else over the past four decades?  Well, here it is again.  Laugh, Viewer Monkeys!