Nothing is more pretentious than a Subaru Commercial

Oh my g-d someone spare me the dreamy musings of a family of entitled jackwads who think that a road trip in their Subaru BlandMobile is a freaking existential adventure and not just a mildly expensive romp through other people's Everyday.

I mean, just look at these idiots- they take their freaking toy dogs with them, which is enough to make me root for a breakdown followed by a feast for a nice family of bears.  I'm sorry, but I just can't stand people who think their dogs have to travel everywhere with them.  Do everyone a favor, just leave them home you ridiculous wastes of perfectly good skin.

"Off road!" one of them shouts, veering off the legal highway Because They Can.  And now they are plowing through nature, crashing through someone's field, running over something's home, while congratulating themselves for being "off the grid" (great time for that family of bears to show up.)  "Is this a road?"  Hahaha, what difference does THAT make?  The world is your road.  Private property? F--k that, we've got a Subaru.

Then they grace humanity with their delightfully carefree ways, stopping at quaint greasy spoons to try the local cuisine, sneering at- and getting sneered at- the local gentry which are just props to their Awesome Lives.  Never mind bears- how about a population of mutants or hillbillies who Don't Take Kindly to Strangers or a village which regularly sacrifices strangers to the Corn Harvest gods?  Something.  ANYTHING to spare me of these twats.

Naw, nothing like that is going to happen, because TV hates me.  So instead we see these perpetually happy buckets of dander roar off to their next Horizon in their f--ing Subaru, and we look forward to the next Subarus Make Life Possible commercial, and I have my gag reflex exercised once again....

We Are Farmers, and We Think Chores are things to be Saved from

Wow, I just....I just don't even know where to begin....

How about with this dishrag of a woman asking what appears to be her 25-year old son if he was "even planning" to "mow the lawn"* today?  I'm pretty sure that neither of my parents never asked me to mow a lawn with quite those words.  I think it was more like "mow the lawn today."  But then again, neither of my parents ever walked in on me slouched in an Easy Chair eating a bag of fried fat and playing video games when I was supposed to be doing chores.  I know that, because I'm still alive after all.

Or maybe we should just skip to this loathsome creep-of-a-son's response.  What.  The Actual.  F??  On one hand, I could just shrug and say "well, you raised it, you live with it."  On the other hand- holy crap buddy, you talk to your mom- the one who provides that house and those clothes and that TV- like she's dirt at the bottom of those sneakers she bought for you?  Ugh, what a douchnozzle.

Naw, let's just get to the punchline- "saved by the bolt" when the lawnmower is hit by lightning?  What does this mean?  That the kid was saved from having to "mow"* the lawn?  But there's no indication that he was going to put down his Idiot Time Vampire Game Controller and mow that lawn.  We all just heard him tell his mom to basically f--k off.  He wasn't "planning" to move from that chair . He wasn't "saved" from mowing it because he wasn't going to mow it.  And to add insult to injury, this puddle of pond scum actually thinks it's cool that the lawnmower was destroyed by lightning- not his problem, after all.  Now, if the lightning had caused a power surge which damaged his Rogers Game Brick, THAT would have been a real bummer, something to be concerned about it.  Mom's lawnmower?  F-- that lame s--t, right, kid?

Personally, I think I can speak for millions of viewers when I say that this commercial would have been much more satisfying if that little creep had been on the lawnmower when it was hit by lightning.  Maybe they are saving that for a Superbowl ad?

*Every summer I keep a lawn about five times larger than the postage stamp we see in this ad mowed using a push mower, and I'm probably 3 times older than the smart-ass little stain we see here (if he's really supposed to be a teenager and not a 25-year old still living on Mommy's dime.)  If this woman had any guts, she'd take the insurance money, buy a push-mower, and tell that kid he can either keep the lawn mowed or his video game console is going out the door- and so is he.  Meanwhile, she'll be using the balance to take some parenting classes at the local college. 

Just Crack An Egg is almost beyond snark

(Fortunately, I've posted several long screeds in a row so I feel comfortable going with a quick take on this one.)

Judging from this woman's face when she notices the cup of freeze-dried potatoes in the refrigerator, isn't it safe to assume that she didn't buy that stuff but instead is delighted to have the opportunity to steal her roommate's groceries?

And judging by the reaction this woman has to eating the egg and potato mixture, I have to believe that the roommate got sick of her friend stealing her food and decided to spike it with a syringe filled with LSD.  Seriously, what the heck is this?

Oh Seriously, Bite Me, Mazda

So a couple of Eurotrash Millenials bored with their rich, entitled lives notice that restaurant space is available.  And at this moment I'm reminded of that scene in Citizen Kane when Orson Welles' character tells his mentor "I think it would be fun to run a newspaper" because the two Pretty People head off to start setting up their restaurant without a second thought.  Because they can, I guess.

They go through the Cliche'd Food Business Start Up Bingo Card with stupid entitled smiles frozen to their faces- smiles nourished by the knowledge that they've got buckets of money sitting in hedge funds just waiting to have fun with.  You know, Just Normal Everyday Young Dreamers.  Just look what we see them do in just a few seconds.  They visit an Organic Farm to meet an Organic Farmer and buy a case of Organic Olive Oil (because the very first thing you're going to do when you decide at a moment's notice to start a restaurant is seek out a stable supply of Organic Olive Oil.)  Then they visit a high-end butcher shop to pick out just the right cuts of meat.  Then they go off to some freaking artist's loft studio to engage someone to make them a logo.  Never you freaking mind that these people haven't so much as made a freaking PHONE CALL to the people leasing the restaurant space to get any particulars.  They are Young People With a Dream, remember.  That stuff can wait until they nail down a good Belgian Endive vendor.

And it's not just the young people who are smiling.  The Olive Oil farmer is smiling.  The butcher is smiling.  The artist is smiling.  Everyone is just so freaking happy to be in contact with the Beautiful Young Couple who drive a Mazda and who decided this afternoon to start a business because they were both bored at the same time.  I'm guessing that in the long version we see a smiling bank officer, smiling small-town carpenter ready and eager to hand-carve tables for the future customers, and smiling microbrewery owners signing delightful contracts to deliver Only the Best to the city's newest, most Exclusive New Restaurant owned and operated by Two Lovely Young Dreamers.

All this because two people noticed their Almost Perfect world wasn't 100 percent perfect and, owning a Mazda and being Rich Young People in America it really ought to be perfect plus impulse decisions are the very best of decisions.  In two years they'll have a less than Perfect day in the restaurant business- maybe the Creme Brulle had a bit too much vanilla- and decide to start their own Olive Oil farm.  Whatever these spontaneously wacky kids do next, they'll be sure to do it in their Mazda, and we'll be cheering them on because after all America.

Principal Financial Group "Dream Car" really hits home for me

So here we've got a retired-at-55 grandpa ready to spend a chunk of his investments on a ridiculous ego boost in the form of a stupid sports car.  Because there aren't any grandchildren who maybe need help with college, or any charities, and his wife isn't interested in taking ANOTHER cruise or trip to Europe, I guess.  Nope, Grandpa has found his dream car and it's his money and if you think this is a heartwarming story designed to pull at the heartstrings, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.

His ne'er-do-well son shows up with a granddaughter in tow and dumps a gigantic wet blanket on Grandpa's plans-- Son "needs" to take a new job far, far away and Granddaughter needs to finish her senior year at college, so.....it sure would be great if Grandpa and Grandma agreed to let her stay with them.

No pressure, though....take your time in making this "decision," grandpa.  Meanwhile, granddaughter is sitting right there, to remind you that her college career depends on that decision.  If you say no it's totally on you, NOT her dad.  So what's it going to be, grandpa?

Grandpa naturally takes in granddaughter, stepping into the role that his son is eager to abandon.  Which seems to mean that the Dream Car is off.   Why?  We'll get back to that.

This is starting to get uncomfortably familiar, and I'm starting to get triggered by the whole thing.  I'm moving on.

Grandpa bonds with daughter in the few seconds of this ad which is actually really enjoyable to watch.  Granddaughter isn't being demanding- we don't see her sneaking boyfriends into the house, or smoking pot without sharing, or throwing parties in the living room.  In other words, we don't see her acting like an entitled douchenozzle like, for instance, her Dad.  And grandpa seems to actually like having her around.  It's hard to imagine grandpa dumping his granddaughter on a relative the moment she becomes inconvenient.

And at the end, Grandpa visits his Principal Financial Group money man and works out a way to buy granddaughter her own car.  And now I'm really ticked, because....

....If Grandpa was ready to buy a $40,000 sports car before Granddaughter shows up, but now needs to move things around with his retirement portfolio to pull off the purchase of a much more modest car for his granddaughter, I have to believe that granddaughter arrived at his doorstep with no financial support from Dad.  Dad didn't just leave his daughter with grandma and grandpa-- he also left them with all the bills that go along with taking care of daughter.  I heard Dad ask if Daughter could stay with Grandpa and Grandma- I didn't hear him ask them to take on the entire financial burden of raising her for the next year.

 Did I forget to call Dad an entitled douchenozzle?  No?  Well, then let me add grifter to that description.  Dad thinks that parents who can afford to pay the bills of their children ought to do just that because....well, because it's much more convenient that way, and being responsible and paying your own way is lame, and suggesting that you should do so is being toxic.

So granddaughter was a year away from graduating, but Dad has this opportunity out of state, so it's only Right and Natural that Grandpa and Grandma step in and pick up the slack.  They've got the money, after all.  They don't need Dad's.  And they are happy to do it.

Maybe they are.  But here's a little "toxic" reality check, Dad:  every dime you spend on yourself while your parents are dipping into their retirement fund to pay for your daughter is THEFT.  Every latte.  Every beer after work.  Every weekend with the guys or with the wife.  Every.  Single. Time. You buy something for yourself, you are stealing from your parents.  Because no matter how much grandpa and grandma love that granddaughter, no matter how "happy" they are to provide for her, nothing can change the fact that they are using money they worked hard for and are spending it not on themselves and their own responsibilities, but on you and Yours.

Ok, I'm done being triggered now.  I'm going to go back to reading the YouTube comments about how heartwarming and sweet this all is, and wondering if Dad gets over his serious bout of Entitlement and starts sending some cash to Grandpa and Grandma for doing the job HE SIGNED UP FOR.

Truly Pointless Passat Commercial

"Have you ever wondered what the motorcade driver drives when she's not in a motorcade?"

No.  Not ever.  Not even once.  Has anyone else ever wondered that?  I really have to doubt it.

Am I supposed to know who this woman is?  Her name is promoted in the title.  Several YouTube posters mention her.  She's called an Actress in the description.  So she's not a motorcade driver.  She's an actress in a stupid commercial which starts with a stupid question nobody asks.

So I guess the idea we're supposed to get out of this is that

1.  Motorcade drivers are daydreaming, bored-out-of-their minds robots who really, really hate driving motorcades (hmmm, kind of makes you wonder why you chose "motorcade driver" as a career....

2.  When they aren't at their Job from Hell, Motorcade drivers love to drive....their Volkswagen Passats.

3.  Amanda Klein is someone we're supposed to recognize, trust, and associate with Volkswagen.

Well, thanks, Volkswagen.  Where do I go to get that thirty seconds of my life back?

Walmart and Capital One: Stupidly Ever After

So the young couple in this ad is smart enough to be able to afford a typical television suburban palace, but not smart enough to realize that you can't leave a new puppy unattended in that palace unless you put it in a fricking crate.  Even I'm aware of this very simple fact, and I don't own a dog OR a suburban palace.

They don't get much brighter as the commercial continues, either:  they buy one of those stupid pet/child gates which will only keep the puppy from doing damage in every other room except the one he's stuck in.  Is the puppy going to be kept in a room free of everything but his own toys?  Well, maybe- it's a suburban palace, after all.

Anyway, this stupid couple is so freaking delighted with their new living toy- almost as delighted as they are to be heading off to Walmart to use their credit card every few hours.  When they are home, they are shocked to learn that not only does the new mammal they brought home in lieu of a child chew up furniture when they aren't around, but it doesn't even know how to use a toilet and is not super-responsive to reactions like "no no no no no!" coming from its human owners.  So it destroys furniture, messes on the carpet, requires significant expenditures, doesn't respond to commands....why do I want one of these things again?

Oh, right- because I live in the suburbs and I'm supposed to.  Well as I've posted previously, there's a whole bunch of other things I'm supposed to do that I'm still ignoring- like be married, have kids, buy one of these suburban palaces, and stand around on the front lawn wearing a bathrobe with a cup of coffee in my hand.  Just call me a rebel, but I don't get the attraction of any of this.