Walmart's "extraordinary" response COVID-19....

I'm sorry, but the first time I saw this I thought it was an Onion Ad and the headline actually read "Walmart to pay workers actual salaries during crisis."

And then I started watching it, and realized....I wasn't all that far off at all. The gist of this heartwarming story of extraordinary measures taken during the current pandemic is that Walmart has decided to take the unprecedented step of coming slightly closer to actually paying it's employees a Living Wage for as long as the current situation continues...or until the Walton family realizes that a tiny sliver has been taken out of that enormous mountain of profit and oh right We Forgot Charity Begins at Home.

"Cash bonuses" from the company that once famously asked customers to contribute food to its employees so they could "enjoy a happier Thanksgiving."  Extra money from a company which is well known for educating its workers on the nuances of applying for food stamps and other federal assistance.  These are extraordinary times indeed.  Meanwhile, we can expect a tidal wave of "Walmart:  The Company that Cares" ads out of this in the very near future.  Don't worry, I'm on it.

Petsmart has no respect for its customers, or thinks it's 1999?

I'm old enough to remember when that idiot David Oreck had the brilliant idea to run a radio ad letting everyone know that his vacuum company had an actual WEBSITE, and if we wanted to know how to find it, we could call this 800 number and he'd "WWW DOT GIVE IT TO US!"  It was a really stupid concept even then (sometime in the 1990s)- "want to find Oreck online?  No problem- call this number first, and we'll give you the website address."  It was old before it aired, but at least search engines were in their infancy, so Mr Oreck (who was in his mid-70s and is STILL WITH US) had some excuse....

On the other hand, we've got this really dumb Petsmart commercial, with a mom who looks to be in her late-thirties or early-forties is totally gobsmacked at the idea that you can make an on-line appointment to get the filthy smelly mammal you for some reason want to live with and spend money on groomed (I bet she can get that dog taken care of, too.)

What?  You can use a phone to access a website and make appointments?  What is this, the Jetsons??

Come on.  The mom in this ad was born during the Carter Administration, at the latest.  Which means that she was on the internet before she graduated college, and has had a cellphone since before her 20th birthday.  In short, she entered adulthood well aware of the World Wide Interwebs*  and connected cellphones and all the wonders attached thereto.  Maybe if this commercial featured GRANDMA being stunned at the Super Futuristic Amazing Internet, I could give it a pass.  But a mom young enough to have a surly teenager?  What's this woman going to get slack-jawed at next, the concept of HDTV and Uber?

*Maybe this woman is just chronically out of touch, like our friend from one of my favorite films, For Your Consideration:

Virus or no Virus, Grifters gotta Grift!

"Hello, I'm Franklin Graham, heir to the Billy Graham empire although everyone agrees that my sister is a vastly better speaker because male bloodline don't ya know..."

"Anyway, since all I really know how to do is be Billy Graham's less talented offspring, I'm here to take advantage of a frightening pandemic that is keeping many people isolated in their houses by encouraging them to call an 888 number, putting money into my already-bulging pockets."

"Feeling afraid that you're going to die without accepting that you were created by a god who later send himself in the form of a human male to subvert rules that he created and by the way that human male was not only god but also god's son Shut Up It Makes Sense?  Don't just sit in your house and talk to yourself- call the 888 number and pay money to talk to yourself while someone on the other line is also talking to himself.  That's better because Reasons- and because I like money-- I mean, I need money to continue to Glorify god's kingdom, just like my dad used to do in sold-out baseball and football stadiums because social media wasn't a thing back then. Poor dad, always had to do things the hard way."

"Don't wait.  You could die tomorrow and be cast into the fiery pit and be tortured for all eternity.  Or, you could spend x amount per minute to chant nonsense at an operator and be Saved.  Guess which one god wants you to do?  Guess which one makes me even more obscenely rich than I already am?  Here's a hint:  they are both the same option!"

"Keep in mind that you're supposed to be going to church, but you're afraid to because of this virus which by the way god, who loves you, sent to Earth Because Reasons.  Calling my 888 number is the same as going to church as far as god is concerned, Jesus told me so.  Render unto Franklin what is Franklin's-- I mean, unto god what is god's.  What are you waiting for?"

Thanks for pretty much nothing Dr Bob..

So the patient in this ad made an appointment with his doctor (a guy he knows well enough to call by his first name- I've had the same primary care physician for 30 years and I don't call him by his first name) because he's got back pain.  Sounds smart.  I know from personal experience that back pain is something to take seriously.

Anyway, I'm sure the patient expected to go from a waiting room filled with magazines to an examination room where he'd be asked to disrobe and sit quietly while Dr Bob dealt with other patients.  Then Dr Bob would come in and ask him to describe his symptoms.  Then he'd lay down on the couch/table covered with a thin sheet of paper and Dr Bob would do the usual poking and prodding, etc. etc.

But no, this visit turned out very differently.  The patient didn't go to an examination room, and he didn't undress.  As near as I can tell, Dr Bob didn't demonstrate the slightest interest in asking him when the pain started or where it's located or how severe it is or if he has a family history of back pain.  The patient just sits down with Dr Bob in Dr Bob's office and asks "what should I do about back pain?"  And Dr Bob jumps right into a recommendation that he use an over-the-counter treatment "before trying anything else" followed by a conveniently already-downloaded commercial for Salonpas with Lidocaine.

Anyone else would respond "hey, doctor?  Did you really think that my FIRST reaction to experiencing back pain was to call for an appointment and take time off from work so I could come down here and hand over a $30 copay?' OF COURSE I rubbed some cream on my back first, just in case it was a pulled muscle or just overexertion.  But then the pain came back.  That's why I'm here.  I don't need to be told that over-the-counter topical gels and pads exist for a LOT LESS than an appointment with you, because I'm a human being who exists in America and I'm not a hypochondriac who just enjoys going to the doctor for minor symptoms."   But THIS clown acts as if he should be grateful that his doctor that he's on a first name basis with tells him to just slap some cream or a patch on it and go away, don't forget to pay at the desk.

Maybe Dr Bob is kind of sick of being an actual doctor, especially the asking questions and probing naked bodies part.  Certainly showing patients commercials for mass-produced practically-placebos is a lot easier. It's a lot more profitable, too- because when this guy comes back in a few days, that's another $30 copay, and this time he'll leave with actual treatment he could have gotten in the first visit.  I think Dr Bob's patient should take a quick glance around the room and note how much free crap has SALONPAS stamped on it, myself.

More As Seen on TV Fun!

Thing is, if this Jiffy Fries contraption could actually make quick, oil-free Non-Fried potatoes in the microwave, it actually might be something I'd be willing to buy and use.  Because until Americans get their hands on them potatoes are actually a really good source of energy and pretty good for you, too (but only if you eat the skins.)  Unfortunately Americans are the world's experts at taking nutritious food and turning it into poison- we love "Chinese food" as long as we can cover it in batter and fry it (we don't cover the rice in batter, but we do fry it along with the chicken and pork.)  We love pizza but spend billions a year on warm white bread covered in the most sugary tomato paste imaginable.  We eat corn in the form of greasy Faux-Mexican food and chips.  And we like our potatoes stripped of its skin and fried (even when we bake our potatoes, we tend to drown them in butter or sour cream...and not eat the skin....)

"Need a pick me up?"  Well, as long as you are just heating a hot potato out of the microwave, that's just fine.  Healthy snack.  Good for this kid.  But I don't believe for one minute that anything- including potatoes made in this plastic doohicky- come out of the microwave crispy.  Nothing comes out of a microwave crispy.  That's just not what microwaves do.  Microwaves reheat coffee and make popcorn.  They don't make potatoes crispy, sorry.  That's what ovens are for.  And that being said- how could anyone argue that this Jiffy Fries device makes french fries that are better than the ones that come out of a bag (is this woman disgusted by the fact that the french fries out of the bag are frozen?  Does she realize they need to be put into an oven?)  French fries - and onion rings- are the two items that are perfectly fine coming out of your grocery store's frozen department.  You put them in the oven.  In a few minutes, you've got crispy french fries.  What is the problem?

Vyond Contempt

A few people who know me personally are aware that I used to create videos using a service called GoAnimate for Schools.  Some of those videos were educational, but most were made just for fun; it was a nice little hobby for when it was too cold or wet or dark outside, and I have especially fond memories of making a few while sitting in my parents' kitchen during winter break.  The educational videos I made involved Bacon's Rebellion, The Election of 1896, the Great Depression-- and despite the limited number of templates available I thought they came out pretty good.  Above all, at $79 a year it was a very AFFORDABLE hobby.

Well, GoAnimate for Schools came to an end last June- not only did it come to an end, but 90 percent of the videos I had created over the course of 3 years were irretrievably lost without notice (yes, I've been back and forth with Vyond, the new GoAnimate, about the loss of my videos.  They express Regret, which is all very nice and also all very worthless.)  I could still make videos using Vyond, but there's no Vyond for Schools, and the cheapest option now available costs $299 a year.  Not that I would ever again purchase a service from a company that had already trashed dozens of videos representing hours of effort, but to ditch an affordable service geared toward teachers and students and replace it with one out of reach for most...well....not nice, Vyond.

Oh, and here's the insult added to the injury:  In response to this period of self-isolation, Vyond is very loudly expressing it's interest in helping- by offering 20% off it's annual subscription.  That's the same 20% it offered me when I complained about the loss of my videos, the same 20% it offered over Black Friday weekend, the same 20% it offers to anyone who wonders why it's basic package went from $79 for an annual subscription to $299.  This Very Generous Offer is being presented because...um....because Vyond really cares, I guess.

Well, to hell with that.  GoAnimate encouraged teachers and kids to have fun making videos by offering a very affordable price.  Vyond jacks the price up by 400%, then makes a show of offering a 20% discount on that new, inflated price because they "care" during these "troubled times."  Well, I'll continue to pass at least until you remember that there are still teachers and schools out there for which $239 is still a LOT of money.  Maybe you'll wake up one day and recall that you are the guys who created GoAnimate for Schools in the first place.  That'd be nice.

Funeral Insurance: your last chance at Conspicuous Consumption, and to fall for a guilt trip

Ugh, this again.

To me, asking if I've saved enough money for my funeral is kind of like asking me if I've saved enough money for my future great-great-nephew's college education.  In short, I don't know why this should concern me in the slightest.

These commercials always push two buttons, neither of which trigger anything in me at all:

1.  The "you need a big, expensive sendoff" button.  You're going to die, which means you MUST be prepared to have your corpse dressed in an expensive suit, put into an expensive box, put into an expensive piece of real estate, and marked with an expensive piece of marble or granite that lets passer-bys know whose body is in an expensive box directly underneath it.   All of this is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY OTHERWISE YOU MAY NOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE.

2.  The "your death will be a financial burden on your children" button.  This is even more vile than the first, because 99.9 percent of these ads include some line about not being a Stupid Selfish Awful Old Person who is Probably Already Creating Financial Difficulties for your Children and whose failure to Plan for the Inevitable will leave them draining the college funds of your Grandchildren in order to pay for that expensive box and decorated piece of rock.   We're always seeing a frail old person reassuring their children that they saw this Nice Man on TV offering Funeral Insurance and bought a policy, so no worries.  (If my mother or father told me this, I'd tell them to stop watching tv and answering the phone because they are way too susceptible to sales pitches.)

This is actually very simple, but I'll say it again:  Nobody is required to have a funeral.  Nobody is required to have a coffin or a pretty stone telling people that they are standing over your Probably Permanent Residence.  Of course, if you want all that stuff yes, it can be very expensive, and you'd better save for it.  But in the Reasonable World "end-of-life expenses" really should mean a lawyer to go over and certify your will, any extra hospice care you may need, etc.  Not a freaking piece of furniture to house your remains until they are dust.

I'd like to see one of the kids in these ads respond to "I've got $30,000 in funeral insurance" with the question "ummm...do we have to use the entire $30,000 on the insurance?  Because jeesh there sure are about two thousand more practical things we could be spending that money on....no offense, mom, but....really....."