Just don't try to make pancakes when you're drunk, that's all.

"You flip, they flop.  You flip, they flop..."  By the time you give up and admit that you really aren't capable of making anything more complicated than a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, it's time for lunch and your kitchen is a horrifying mess.

The "secret" to perfect pancakes?  A box of Bisquick, some water, and some heat.  I used to add a pinch of nutmeg when I made them for myself or my Significant Other, because I don't like to use maple syrup (I know, sacrilege for a Vermonter) and they can be a bit bland.  Oh, but this commercial is another one of those This Easy Thing to Do That We Are Going to Pretend is a Massive Hassle to Sell you Something commercials, so it's all about the proper use of a spatula and how it Can't Really be Done.

Except, it's really not that hard to use a spatula to flip pancakes.  Just don't make them big, and follow the directions in the title.*  Oh, and want to cut back on butter and grease?  Use a non-stick pan.  The great thing about a non-stick pan is that you can use it to make things other than pancakes- unlike this stupid device.   I mean, if you live on pancakes, sure, go ahead and invest in this thing.  Otherwise, what a dumb waste of money.

*Why would anyone make pancakes when they are drunk, anyway?  Everyone knows that Drunk+Hungry for Pancakes= IHOP.  Or it did, before the current crisis descended upon us.  I'd say that this commercial was made to fill the niche created by the sudden lack of All You Can Eat pancake houses, but it was made way before COVID-19 arrived to wreck havoc on our bad eating habits.  Fortunately, more and more liquor stores have drive-thrus, and I bet every IHOP in the country is looking for ways to encourage people to leave their houses after a night of binge-drinking and head off to the local IHOP for delivered-to-your-car pancakes.  You know, just to add some comfort to your sad, isolated, monotonous life.

Boost gives women a Big Surprise

I bet women didn't realize that Boost was gender-specific all these years, and at least some of them want to know where they can get all that money back that they spent drinking liquid non-food that was not made for them.

It's especially insulting that Boost is re-using old commercials and just changing a few frames to add the "Boost for Women" bottle where the old "Boost" bottle used to be.  "Hey, all you stupid women who have been drinking Strictly For Men Boost for all these years-don't you feel stupid now?  Here's YOUR drink, thanks for not waiting!  We didn't even have to make the bottle pink!"

All Nestle (one of the most evil companies on the planet, by the way- Google Nestle and water rights) has to do now is come up with "Boost for Men," and my brain will literally explode out of its skull case.

Geico has been selling insurance for 75 years....

...but they've only been spooning out this content-free tripe for about two decades now.  It's hard to believe, but this ad actually has less to do about insurance than the average Geico commercial-- it's just the stupid CGI lizard failing to deliver lines its been delivering year after year for seemingly...well, 75 years.

Oh, but check out the comment section-- if you dare.  Please tell me these people have been paid off to tell us that they "can't stop laughing" and think "this is the funniest commercial ever."  Because....seriously?  This warmed-over cliche'd tripe is funny to anyone?

Bravecto knows its audience, I guess....*

So I guess what we have here is a family of clueless idiots who flirt with death several times a day simply by carrying out normal human functions.   They don't know anything, they can't remember anything, and they certainly don't want to be responsible for anything (in fact, I'd say that if this family has a common goal, it's to pass the buck to the next person as quickly as possible.  Their big problem is that they keep trying to pass it to someone who shares their DNA, and that's clearly not a good idea.)

And in the end, the two "adults" are going to wander around a parking lot for the rest of the day because one of them asked the other to remember where they parked, to which the other responded "remember where we parked" to the dog.  Or a lamp post.

It is kind of funny that the woman here bleats her "do you remember where we parked" line literally two seconds after they walk out of the (animal hospital?)  Like she's well aware that they forgot to go through the 8-step fail-safe plan usually instituted to avoid situations just like this.  Ah, if you only had two brain cells to rub together between the both of you.  Meanwhile, daughter is home on her phone, notices the time, and calls the police to initiate a Silver Alert for the fourth time this week.

*that audience being people who probably have no business owning a mammal that is totally dependent on it for it's health and survival.  This couple can't be handed a tic/heartworm/whatever medication that they have to remember to give their dog, because they are either Very Busy or Very Stupid and will never get around to actually doing it.  So the vet prescribes Bravecto in the hopes that it requires so little of the dog owners, their dog has at least a fighting chance.  What he didn't realize is that these people need a GPS to find their car and will probably forget they even OWN a dog until they notice the horrible smell coming from the back seat.

Gooble.com is G-d's Gift to Trophy Wives, and the guys who bought them

   


           
I know I throw that term around a lot, but seriously....check out the daddy/husband at the 17-second mark.  Surrre, this bald, middle-aged shlub got her to "fall in love with him."  I'm sooo sure that happened and it had nothing to do with the bank account and that house.

And the cute little Family By Desperation we see near the end- come on.  That guy didn't land that foreign little number by meeting her at school or work, slowly getting to know her, and getting her to see his positive attributes that didn't include the terms "hedge fund manager" or "inherited business."  This has got "financial arrangement" written all over it.

And we can see that the Trophy is doing her part, producing cute kids, keeping the enormous house clean, and at least making an attempt to get a good dinner on the table for Master when walks in the door after a busy day at the Office.  I just have to ask, though- why did these guys go out of their way to land a barely-adult woman from a foreign country if she's just going to make bland American-style meals anyway?  There are plenty of desperate American-born girls out there who have no problem selling themselves to older guys in exchange for the Just Add Water Instant Family and Security.  If you're going to go through the added expense of an Asian or Hispanic girl, at least get the good menus that come with that.

CarShield: Always an easy go-to in a pinch

1.  You know the actual car bill is going to be really expensive when the mechanic uses three dollar signs, changes pens, and then underlines those dollar signs THREE TIMES.  And then doesn't even put a NUMBER on there, like this is information is too severe to be put in writing.  Want to know how much it's going to cost to fix your car?  You are going to have to get that information in person.  That's how big this bill is.  THREE DOLLAR SIGNS underlined THREE TIMES in DIFFERENT INK.  Just leave us a copy of your mortgage and your first-born child.

2.  I'm a little worried at the idea that there are actually people out there with old cars with lots of mileage on them who think that Extended Warranties like this are a good idea....because sorry, they just aren't.  They are really dumb, actually.  No insurance company is going to replace a $4200 transmission on a 10-year old car with 130,000 miles unless it's been draining you of big monthly premiums for years.  Otherwise...well, see that "Deductable May Apply" in the small print?  That deductable is going to apply.  Big time.

3. My parents get at least three calls a day from "easy extended warranty" companies offering to "provide" coverage on cars they haven't owned in years.  From the calls I've taken and managed to extend with "innocent" questions, the average monthly premium for "full coverage" on a car none of the choads on the other end of the phone have even seen is about $140 a month.  That's a LOT OF MONEY for something that will mysteriously fail to cover pretty much anything Too Bad You Didn't Read The Fine Print on the Contract which By The Way isn't Emailed to You until After They Have your Credit Card Number.  I don't know if any of these callers work for CarShield, but they might as well. They are all calling out of pretty much the same boiler rooms after all.

4.  Speaking of which, I had to call DirectTV today with a few questions about my mother's bill.  It took me almost half an hour of commercials (including one for a Medic-Alert bracelet presented by an ACTUAL HUMAN BEING) before I finally got to speak to someone about the issue.  I get that customer service centers aren't as crowded as usual because of the whole Pandemic thing, but why isn't this a problem for phone scam operations?  Is it just that the scam promoters don't care about their phone monkeys?

When YouTube "reviews" are just badly disguised commercials #1- Daily Harvest

I found this looking for an actual Daily Harvest commercial after seeing the ad for yet another Non Food Delivered to the Door of Rich White People service.  Then I watched this video and realized- yep, it's just a commercial for Daily Harvest trying really, really hard to be a Review.

Couple things. First, this clown gives away that he's doing a commercial for Daily Harvest literally seconds into this...um...."review."  He "hates making breakfast" because it's a "hassle" with all the "chopping," and he's "trying to eat healthy," etc. etc. etc.  Why doesn't he just eat a bowl of whole grain cereal with a grapefruit on the side?  No hassle, no chopping, very healthy.  Oh right- because this is a COMMERCIAL FOR DAILY HARVEST and the only simple solution to his "problem" is going to have to be Daily Harvest.

Second, this guy's enthusiasm for Daily Harvest doesn't even wait till he actually drinks the crap before breaking my Skepticism Meter.  The shipping was Super Fast, the "Welcome to Daily Harvest" advertisement inside the box is great, and it comes with a sheet of magnets- "Awesome!"  Jeesh buddy, why bother to even drink this stuff and risk your winning streak?  Just toss the box in the garbage and put the magnets on the fridge.  You're already a winner with Daily Harvest after all!

"This is cool, this is dry ice.  This is how it stays cold."  Um, ok buddy.  Yes, that's super helpful when you "come home from working all day," because it means your ridiculously overpriced smoothies haven't been ruined.  But it also helps explain why they are ridiculously overpriced.  Oh, but please continue.

For the next thirty seconds or so, this guy exults at the excellent wrapping to prevent leakage, and I note in horror that we aren't 90 seconds into this six minute video yet.  You know what, I'm going to assume he spends at least two minutes complimenting the font choice for the ingredients label and skip to him actually tasting this stuff.

At 4:53 he finishes a brief commercial for his Magic BulletTM smoothie maker to tell us that yep, the smoothie he makes sure smells fresh.  He invites us to smell his smoothie.  I really wish I were kidding.

He finally tastes the damn stuff at 5:12 of this six-minute video.  Shockingly, his verdict is "That's Awesome!"  Then he shows us how we can pour the smoothie back into the cup it came in- none of us would have thought of that on our own, for sure.

"And I'm out the door with America's best breakfast going on." After one sip of one flavor.  Yeah, this is "America's best breakfast going on"- and an honest review.  Suuuuurreee it is.  And oh hey what do you know, if you use his name as a PROMO CODE, you get three free smoothies "just for watching this video."  That's right- he ends his schtick by coming right out and ADMITTING he just showed us a 6:25 commercial pretending to be a review.

What did I just watch?  Five minutes and 12 seconds of some paid choad bleating superlatives about a product as he unboxes and prepares that product, followed by one sip which leads to that spokeschoad crowning his smoothie "America's best breakfast going on, here's a promo code." Where do I go to get that six minutes back?