Hempvana, the latest "pain relief" BS not being sold by your local MLM hunbot

Aching joints? Painful muscles?  Well, if you've already tried all of the 46,782 "pain relief" creams, ointments and patches available at your local CVS, why not take advantage of This Amazing OfferTM and order some of this junk?

It's different because it has 100% more oil from the seeds of the Cannabis Sativa Plant (that's an actual quote from the commercial.)  100% more than what?  Um, well, I'm guessing 100% more from actual pain medications that don't include any oil from the Cannabis Sativa Plant.  Hey, that was simple.

Hempvana Gold combines an "FDA listed pain relief ingredient" (that's another actual quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.)  What IS this ingredient?  Well, we aren't told, but the caption on the screen says "10% Trolamine Salicylate per FDA Monograph!"  Yes, the exclamation point is included, which makes me feel so foolish I'm just going to pretend to know what that means and that it's super-impressive obviously.  Mission accomplished, Hempvana.

It's got cold-pressed hemp oil from the seeds of that plant mentioned earlier, which I guess distinguishes it from other hemp oil that isn't cold pressed or doesn't come from the same seeds.  Anyway, it's so effective that all you have to do if you experience sharp pain while jogging is to stop, rub some on your knee, and you're on your way.  That's how impressive this stuff is.  Probably because it's cold pressed.  And it's got that stuff the FDA listed.  Both things are important, I'm guessing.

It works by "blocking nerve transmissions."  You know, like Tylenol, or Ben Gay.  But it isn't either of those things, because it has 100% more oil than either of those things.  It's different.

Here's a retired NFL player you've never heard of standing on what looks like a High School football field talking about how it really helps him do whatever he's doing nowadays.   As if I wasn't sold already.

"The secret is the combination of Science and Nature."  I know how to translate that line, but just in case I didn't, they do it for us, right away.  The "Science" part is in that little bit of FDA-listed pain relief medication that I'm guessing is found in all over-the-counter pain relieving creams.  The "Nature" part is the woo factor that appeals to our Holistic "look to the trees" side (you know, the really stupid, gullible side) and which also "justifies" the ridiculous price.  Put it another way- the Nature part makes the product unique.  The Science part makes the ad legal.   Also- in the next few seconds of the ad, it sounds for all the world like the only purpose of the seeds is to make the product "absorb quickly."  Which pretty much convinces me that the ONLY medication in this junk is the trace amount of "FDA-listed" pain reliever. 

(Oh, and here's a guy writing what looks like a chemical formula on an actual chalkboard.  He's wearing a white coat, and that's real chalk he's using.  Looks legit to me.)

Anyway, the ad goes on a little longer but basically just repeats itself, so I'll skip to the punchline:  there's another ad for this same product on Youtube in which the narrator knocks down the claims of similar products with the same ingredients as false.  The DIFFERENCE with Hempvana Gold is that it has DOUBLE the amount of oil as those other Much More Expensive Junk Products.  So basically, "that stuff doesn't work, and it costs a fortune.  Our product is exactly the same, but we use more Woo, and it's cheaper, so...um....it DOES work." 

Well, sorry, Hempvana, but if it's not being sold by an old High School Friend who found my name on Facebook and who also thinks I'd totally kill it selling this stuff myself, I'm not interested.  And I'm speaking as someone who actually does suffer from chronic knee pain being treated with actual medicine- your target audience.  Get back to me when you're ready to include me in your downline.

Charles Schwab's Valentine to Himself

Charles Schwab starts this great big wet sloppy kiss aimed directly at his own posterior by telling us he was born in 1937, a "very bad time...with a Depression...." yes, indeed it was a very bad time, Mr Schwab-- one that you don't remember, since it was over before you were four years old.  Being born in 1937 doesn't make you a Depression baby.  You had to live it.  My parents lived it.  You didn't.

"What my generation went through....all the wars...." and now we see scenes from V-E day or V-J day.  Well, maybe you faintly remember something about World War II, Mr Schwab.  But you didn't fight in it, and you didn't really live it.  So I don't know what this has to do with "your" generation.  When you were a teenager, you attended a private prep school on your way to Stanford and Fraternity Life.  I mean, I'm not going to blame you for not fighting in the Pacific or Europe when you were a kid, but jeesh what's all this "we" crap?  From what I can see on your Wiki page, you actually had a pretty damned privileged youth.

Oh, and now it gets even worse.  This was a time when there was this awful disease called polio, but "we" came up with a vaccine for it.  Well, one of "us' did, anyway.  His name was Jonas Salk, and he was born 23 years before you were (not in your generation) and he didn't end up with a net worth of $8 billion despite doing a bit more for humanity than you (in my humble opinion, at least.)

While some of "his generation" were going off to fight in Vietnam or protest against it, Mr Schwab was starting Commander Industries and publishing a newsletter concerning more important subjects like money, making money, making more money, investing money, and money.   Eventually Commander Industries became Charles Schwab Inc and its president and founder was a multi-millionaire before his 35th birthday.

The rest is history....oh wait, no, it's not.  History was something other members of his generation were doing, while he was devoting his life to building a gigantic pile of cash to park his aging butt on.  I don't see a lot of ads celebrating all those people who sacrificed and fought and died and protested and achieved to make society a little more bearable for everyone, so I guess this is the best I can hope for:  Charles Schwab, multi-billionaire who made a fortune manipulating other people's money, waxing poetic about sacrifice and perseverance while showing us blurry old films in between reminding us to "keep on keeping on" because after all, he might not die with $9 billion if we take our eyes off the prize.  His generation, which gave and accomplished so much, is counting on us after all.

Kraft, for the Loss

Your bratty kid won't eat her vegetables?  Well, you've got two choices:

1.  You can experiment with different ways of preparing those vegetables (you know, move beyond the "boil or microwave them and then serve the bland green stuff on a plate with something else equally bland.")  Maybe look at a few cookbooks.  Maybe try those things that come in little jars and might cost upwards of $30 a pound (but you don't have to buy them by the pound, not that anyone in these commercials cares about the cost of anything.)  They're called "Spices."

2.  You can drown them in cheap fatty garbage that disguises their actual taste.  That way your kid thinks she's eating lumpy orange cheese-flavored goo, and can't see those awful vegetables which are nonetheless getting into her system and providing at least some health value.  Of course if you take this option, that fatty sludge is doing more than enough damage to offset the benefits of the vegetables, but at least she's smiling, calm and eating, right?

We can all see which option these "parents" chose.  The kid will be the big loser- in more ways than one.  And all so that the parents can avoid effort.  Why are people allowed to breed without a license>

A Downy Commercial that stinks of DoTerra

Pardon the pun, but this ad literally stinks of Essential Oils Woo.  Lavender has "calming effects," does it?  Please cite the scientific research, Downy.

Meanwhile, this kid is nervous during a thunderstorm, so he semi-consciously wanders through the house searching for something that smells like lavender....um, ok.  That's actually kind of disturbing.  I suspect that mom isn't going to thank Lavender Scented Downy for calming down her son because that means basically stinking up the entire wash with the same smell.  More likely she's going to reach out to that former High School classmate selling Young Living products on Facebook so she can apply the Magic Calming Oil that Cures Autism to her kid's forehead every time she can foresee a tense situation in his future.

Carmax, etc. make sure that there's no escape

The whole country has come to a nearly complete stop-- but the advertising industry is apparently running on all cylinders these days.  It seems that almost every single commercial out there uses the current pandemic in its pitch- which means that almost every single commercial out there is a brand-new, fresh out of the oven product designed to remind us that there are companies out there that are well aware we are living in bizarre times and that THEY CARE VERY DEEPLY ABOUT US DURING THESE BIZARRE TIMES.

I'm convinced.  Over the last few days ordered from DealDash, Seven-Eleven, KFC, PapaJohns AND Domino's, doing my part to keep the economy going and gaining 26 lbs in the process (no problem, my Peloton bike is on its way and I plan to switch to Arbonne shakes next week.)  My doorbell rings approximately every six minutes, and I'm going to spend the next sunny day constructing an addition to my house out of cardboard.  It just feels so good to be contributing to all these companies that care. 

And now that Carmax will deliver a vehicle to me with just a few clicks, well, that's definitely next on my list.  I only hope that I can stop with just one.  Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to wave out my window to the delivery guy again.  What a time to be alive.

Just don't try to make pancakes when you're drunk, that's all.

"You flip, they flop.  You flip, they flop..."  By the time you give up and admit that you really aren't capable of making anything more complicated than a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, it's time for lunch and your kitchen is a horrifying mess.

The "secret" to perfect pancakes?  A box of Bisquick, some water, and some heat.  I used to add a pinch of nutmeg when I made them for myself or my Significant Other, because I don't like to use maple syrup (I know, sacrilege for a Vermonter) and they can be a bit bland.  Oh, but this commercial is another one of those This Easy Thing to Do That We Are Going to Pretend is a Massive Hassle to Sell you Something commercials, so it's all about the proper use of a spatula and how it Can't Really be Done.

Except, it's really not that hard to use a spatula to flip pancakes.  Just don't make them big, and follow the directions in the title.*  Oh, and want to cut back on butter and grease?  Use a non-stick pan.  The great thing about a non-stick pan is that you can use it to make things other than pancakes- unlike this stupid device.   I mean, if you live on pancakes, sure, go ahead and invest in this thing.  Otherwise, what a dumb waste of money.

*Why would anyone make pancakes when they are drunk, anyway?  Everyone knows that Drunk+Hungry for Pancakes= IHOP.  Or it did, before the current crisis descended upon us.  I'd say that this commercial was made to fill the niche created by the sudden lack of All You Can Eat pancake houses, but it was made way before COVID-19 arrived to wreck havoc on our bad eating habits.  Fortunately, more and more liquor stores have drive-thrus, and I bet every IHOP in the country is looking for ways to encourage people to leave their houses after a night of binge-drinking and head off to the local IHOP for delivered-to-your-car pancakes.  You know, just to add some comfort to your sad, isolated, monotonous life.

Boost gives women a Big Surprise

I bet women didn't realize that Boost was gender-specific all these years, and at least some of them want to know where they can get all that money back that they spent drinking liquid non-food that was not made for them.

It's especially insulting that Boost is re-using old commercials and just changing a few frames to add the "Boost for Women" bottle where the old "Boost" bottle used to be.  "Hey, all you stupid women who have been drinking Strictly For Men Boost for all these years-don't you feel stupid now?  Here's YOUR drink, thanks for not waiting!  We didn't even have to make the bottle pink!"

All Nestle (one of the most evil companies on the planet, by the way- Google Nestle and water rights) has to do now is come up with "Boost for Men," and my brain will literally explode out of its skull case.