Grubhub's Lame Guilt Trip

"Restaurants.....are our family."

Whose family?  Grubhub's?  If that's what this commercial is saying, don't you actually mean "Reason we Exist" or "Way we make money?"  If by "our" you mean "America's," well....that's a problem, too.  When I visit a family member and have a meal, I'm not expected to pay for it.  When I make something for a family member, I don't hand them a bill or expect a tip.  Because, you know, Family.  How the hell is any business my "family?"

"...and our family needs help."  Again with the vague language.  I can totally understand if Grubhub sees Restaurants as their family they would say their family needs help- restaurants are in trouble, which means Grubhub is in trouble.  Grubhub can't deliver for family members- errr, restaurants- that are out of business.  And if restaurants are "the cornerstones of our communities" (at this point, I've given up trying to figure out who the "our" is) well, it's totally bad that they need help. 

"Right now they're facing a crisis, and they're counting on your takeout and delivery orders to help them through."  Ok now, we've cut to the chase.  Restaurants are suffering from dramatic losses in revenue due to the Stay at Home orders and the mandated closing of dining rooms.  To survive financially, they really, really need for us to keep "eating out" by ordering takeout and delivery food.  Oh by the way it sure would help if we used Grubhub too, btw- because Restaurants are Family, and Grubhub is the way we can kind of enjoy our Family without having to visit it, which actually does sound kind of attractive.

So the bottom line:  Grubhub wants to remind us that we have Family Responsibilities that don't end just because we can't go out to eat.  Sorry, but we don't get to use the Social Distancing excuse to avoid visiting our Families, because our Families still need our money, just like Always.  If anything, we should be spending more of our money on those Family members who make food in exchange for our money.  And it just makes it extra-special-family time if we employ Grubhub to transfer all that Togetherness that Looks a Lot like Food from them to us. 

Oh, by the way?  Doesn't really matter that most of us aren't making extra money just because we can't visit our Families.  Doesn't matter that many of us are actually hurting financially right now.  Pick up that phone, go online, do whatever you need to do to Stay in Touch with your Family and arrange to give them some money, because they are really Hurting right now.  Just do it.   You have to.  IT'S FAMILY!

Zales "Our Love is a Diamond" ad: Once again, it's all about the rock

"Our love is so unique, so special, so different. that we decided to celebrate it in the most corporate-approved manner possible.  We bought a diamond."

"Um, what?  Who is this 'We?'  I bought you a diamond, because you said that even though you loved me more than anyone you had ever loved ever, and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, you weren't going anywhere near an actual legal commitment until you got a rock.  Which I paid for.  ME.  With MY money."

"Our love is a diamond!"

"What the hell does that even mean?  Our love is a cold, hard piece of suffocated coal?"

"Look how it sparkles!  It's a celebration of our love!"

"It's a celebration of pointless excess that sets our house-purchasing fund back about two months."

"Two months?  Only two months?  Why you dirty, cheap little...you went to ZALES, didn't you!!"

"I knew I should have switched boxes."

Hempvana, the latest "pain relief" BS not being sold by your local MLM hunbot

Aching joints? Painful muscles?  Well, if you've already tried all of the 46,782 "pain relief" creams, ointments and patches available at your local CVS, why not take advantage of This Amazing OfferTM and order some of this junk?

It's different because it has 100% more oil from the seeds of the Cannabis Sativa Plant (that's an actual quote from the commercial.)  100% more than what?  Um, well, I'm guessing 100% more from actual pain medications that don't include any oil from the Cannabis Sativa Plant.  Hey, that was simple.

Hempvana Gold combines an "FDA listed pain relief ingredient" (that's another actual quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.)  What IS this ingredient?  Well, we aren't told, but the caption on the screen says "10% Trolamine Salicylate per FDA Monograph!"  Yes, the exclamation point is included, which makes me feel so foolish I'm just going to pretend to know what that means and that it's super-impressive obviously.  Mission accomplished, Hempvana.

It's got cold-pressed hemp oil from the seeds of that plant mentioned earlier, which I guess distinguishes it from other hemp oil that isn't cold pressed or doesn't come from the same seeds.  Anyway, it's so effective that all you have to do if you experience sharp pain while jogging is to stop, rub some on your knee, and you're on your way.  That's how impressive this stuff is.  Probably because it's cold pressed.  And it's got that stuff the FDA listed.  Both things are important, I'm guessing.

It works by "blocking nerve transmissions."  You know, like Tylenol, or Ben Gay.  But it isn't either of those things, because it has 100% more oil than either of those things.  It's different.

Here's a retired NFL player you've never heard of standing on what looks like a High School football field talking about how it really helps him do whatever he's doing nowadays.   As if I wasn't sold already.

"The secret is the combination of Science and Nature."  I know how to translate that line, but just in case I didn't, they do it for us, right away.  The "Science" part is in that little bit of FDA-listed pain relief medication that I'm guessing is found in all over-the-counter pain relieving creams.  The "Nature" part is the woo factor that appeals to our Holistic "look to the trees" side (you know, the really stupid, gullible side) and which also "justifies" the ridiculous price.  Put it another way- the Nature part makes the product unique.  The Science part makes the ad legal.   Also- in the next few seconds of the ad, it sounds for all the world like the only purpose of the seeds is to make the product "absorb quickly."  Which pretty much convinces me that the ONLY medication in this junk is the trace amount of "FDA-listed" pain reliever. 

(Oh, and here's a guy writing what looks like a chemical formula on an actual chalkboard.  He's wearing a white coat, and that's real chalk he's using.  Looks legit to me.)

Anyway, the ad goes on a little longer but basically just repeats itself, so I'll skip to the punchline:  there's another ad for this same product on Youtube in which the narrator knocks down the claims of similar products with the same ingredients as false.  The DIFFERENCE with Hempvana Gold is that it has DOUBLE the amount of oil as those other Much More Expensive Junk Products.  So basically, "that stuff doesn't work, and it costs a fortune.  Our product is exactly the same, but we use more Woo, and it's cheaper, so...um....it DOES work." 

Well, sorry, Hempvana, but if it's not being sold by an old High School Friend who found my name on Facebook and who also thinks I'd totally kill it selling this stuff myself, I'm not interested.  And I'm speaking as someone who actually does suffer from chronic knee pain being treated with actual medicine- your target audience.  Get back to me when you're ready to include me in your downline.

Charles Schwab's Valentine to Himself

Charles Schwab starts this great big wet sloppy kiss aimed directly at his own posterior by telling us he was born in 1937, a "very bad time...with a Depression...." yes, indeed it was a very bad time, Mr Schwab-- one that you don't remember, since it was over before you were four years old.  Being born in 1937 doesn't make you a Depression baby.  You had to live it.  My parents lived it.  You didn't.

"What my generation went through....all the wars...." and now we see scenes from V-E day or V-J day.  Well, maybe you faintly remember something about World War II, Mr Schwab.  But you didn't fight in it, and you didn't really live it.  So I don't know what this has to do with "your" generation.  When you were a teenager, you attended a private prep school on your way to Stanford and Fraternity Life.  I mean, I'm not going to blame you for not fighting in the Pacific or Europe when you were a kid, but jeesh what's all this "we" crap?  From what I can see on your Wiki page, you actually had a pretty damned privileged youth.

Oh, and now it gets even worse.  This was a time when there was this awful disease called polio, but "we" came up with a vaccine for it.  Well, one of "us' did, anyway.  His name was Jonas Salk, and he was born 23 years before you were (not in your generation) and he didn't end up with a net worth of $8 billion despite doing a bit more for humanity than you (in my humble opinion, at least.)

While some of "his generation" were going off to fight in Vietnam or protest against it, Mr Schwab was starting Commander Industries and publishing a newsletter concerning more important subjects like money, making money, making more money, investing money, and money.   Eventually Commander Industries became Charles Schwab Inc and its president and founder was a multi-millionaire before his 35th birthday.

The rest is history....oh wait, no, it's not.  History was something other members of his generation were doing, while he was devoting his life to building a gigantic pile of cash to park his aging butt on.  I don't see a lot of ads celebrating all those people who sacrificed and fought and died and protested and achieved to make society a little more bearable for everyone, so I guess this is the best I can hope for:  Charles Schwab, multi-billionaire who made a fortune manipulating other people's money, waxing poetic about sacrifice and perseverance while showing us blurry old films in between reminding us to "keep on keeping on" because after all, he might not die with $9 billion if we take our eyes off the prize.  His generation, which gave and accomplished so much, is counting on us after all.

Kraft, for the Loss

Your bratty kid won't eat her vegetables?  Well, you've got two choices:

1.  You can experiment with different ways of preparing those vegetables (you know, move beyond the "boil or microwave them and then serve the bland green stuff on a plate with something else equally bland.")  Maybe look at a few cookbooks.  Maybe try those things that come in little jars and might cost upwards of $30 a pound (but you don't have to buy them by the pound, not that anyone in these commercials cares about the cost of anything.)  They're called "Spices."

2.  You can drown them in cheap fatty garbage that disguises their actual taste.  That way your kid thinks she's eating lumpy orange cheese-flavored goo, and can't see those awful vegetables which are nonetheless getting into her system and providing at least some health value.  Of course if you take this option, that fatty sludge is doing more than enough damage to offset the benefits of the vegetables, but at least she's smiling, calm and eating, right?

We can all see which option these "parents" chose.  The kid will be the big loser- in more ways than one.  And all so that the parents can avoid effort.  Why are people allowed to breed without a license>

A Downy Commercial that stinks of DoTerra

Pardon the pun, but this ad literally stinks of Essential Oils Woo.  Lavender has "calming effects," does it?  Please cite the scientific research, Downy.

Meanwhile, this kid is nervous during a thunderstorm, so he semi-consciously wanders through the house searching for something that smells like lavender....um, ok.  That's actually kind of disturbing.  I suspect that mom isn't going to thank Lavender Scented Downy for calming down her son because that means basically stinking up the entire wash with the same smell.  More likely she's going to reach out to that former High School classmate selling Young Living products on Facebook so she can apply the Magic Calming Oil that Cures Autism to her kid's forehead every time she can foresee a tense situation in his future.

Carmax, etc. make sure that there's no escape

The whole country has come to a nearly complete stop-- but the advertising industry is apparently running on all cylinders these days.  It seems that almost every single commercial out there uses the current pandemic in its pitch- which means that almost every single commercial out there is a brand-new, fresh out of the oven product designed to remind us that there are companies out there that are well aware we are living in bizarre times and that THEY CARE VERY DEEPLY ABOUT US DURING THESE BIZARRE TIMES.

I'm convinced.  Over the last few days ordered from DealDash, Seven-Eleven, KFC, PapaJohns AND Domino's, doing my part to keep the economy going and gaining 26 lbs in the process (no problem, my Peloton bike is on its way and I plan to switch to Arbonne shakes next week.)  My doorbell rings approximately every six minutes, and I'm going to spend the next sunny day constructing an addition to my house out of cardboard.  It just feels so good to be contributing to all these companies that care. 

And now that Carmax will deliver a vehicle to me with just a few clicks, well, that's definitely next on my list.  I only hope that I can stop with just one.  Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to wave out my window to the delivery guy again.  What a time to be alive.