Get your own Spot the Robot Dog Today!

Look for these improvements to be included in the private-purchase version of Spot the Robot Dog:

1.  It will automatically run up to strangers and knock them down.  Owners will be able to record a message to be played when (not if) this happens which announces "he's just being friendly, he loves people."

2.  It will leave "presents" consisting primarily of oil clumps and just enough digestible fiber to attract insects all over your lawn. 

3.  It will bark repeatedly at falling leaves, passing cars, and basically everything else.  It will respond to your "hush" with up to thirty seconds of silence before repeating its "bark at everything" loop.

4.  It will run around the dinner table at family gatherings barking at a special High Volume to remind you exactly where it is at all times.  The "hush" feature is automatically turned off during these times.

5.  Planned obsolescence is built right in, to provide you with the Full Experience of being a pet owner.  Expect to spent at least $1000 per year on replacement parts.

The very best thing about your Spot the Robot Dog is that when it finally does break down for good, you can just throw it in the trunk alongside your dead lawn mower and bring it to the recycling center for disposal.  No messy vet fees or sad backyard funerals!

Geico shows us how much the world has changed....

...because as we all know, before we became a nation of Stay at Home-ers and Work Online-ers, nobody was "sharing" anything like Adorable Babies doing Adorable Things, Even More Adorable Pets doing even more Adorable Things.  None of us would have even considered making video clips of us doing anything in the privacy of our own homes and sharing them on YouTube.  What a world COVID-19 has created.  Truly revolutionary.

Ok, enough snark.  If we could be honest with ourselves for a few minutes, we could just admit that every single one of these "because we're stuck at home" video clips could predate the current pandemic by years.  We've been a really stupid, self-absorbed, bored-out-of-our-minds nation for quite some time now. 

And while we're at it, the idea that the virus has turned us into a nation of binge-watchers addicted to Netflix, Hulu etc. is also a pathetic joke.  All COVID-19 has done is given us an excuse to keep doing what a whole lot of us were doing already- sitting on our couches, watching hour after hour of nonsense, occasionally rising to accept the food delivery or grab another soda or beer from the fridge or taking a quick break to post a video on YouTube letting the world know that we're still here, and we're still stupid. 

The conceit that the pandemic is keeping us from doing what we "really want to do" is really the height of self-delusion.  What we "really want to do" is stay home, watch tv, and "stay connected" through phones and our laptops because actual in-person interaction was already becoming passe at LEAST a decade ago.  Want proof?  Just wait till this thing is over- there will be a spike in movie theater attendance, visits to parks, restaurants, beaches and gyms, and then....most of us will just go back to what we were doing before, which as it turned out was engaging in intensive training for life in a bomb shelter.

MakeSpace Commercials should come with Parental Guidance Suggested warnings

Eventually, the woman in this ad got sick of watching the guy in this ad systematically destroy everything they worked so hard to achieve, with immaculate planning, one step at a time, and hired a professional moving and storing company for Reasons.

I mean, look at the two scenes we're given here.  In the first, she's carrying out her very carefully planned removal of the body of a noisy neighbor in the middle of the night, and all she needs is just a little help from her dim bulb male accomplice to get the corpse down the back staircase in a coffin purchased with cash from a thrift shop in another state, slip it into their Subaru Hatchback, and drive an hour to a state park closed due to COVID-19 so they can slide the box into the deserted lake (after weighing it down, of course.)

The guy completely messes up his ONE CONTRIBUTION to the master plan, NATURALLY.

In an attempt to make up for his ridiculous bungling, the guy offers to dig up all the corpses in the back yard, stuff them into the cardboard boxes they've been saving up from the four-times-daily-Amazon purchases which have been arriving since the Stay at Home order was initiated, and find a canyon nearby to dump and burn them.  What he didn't tell her was that he was going to try to transfer all 23 victims all at once, leading to an hysterical accident on the way to the canyon as the boxes overburdened with bodies and odor-killing baking soda fell off and spilled into the street.  This guy can't do ANYTHING right.

I guess these two messes were cleaned up, because we then move to an unrelated scene where they've gone to visit their empty box collection at the nearby U-Store It and the guy decides he wants to go swimming in the boxes for some reason.  I don't know, it's really weird.

In the end, the woman here realizes that if she keeps asking her husband to try to do stuff he'll probably end up dying too early- that is, before that massive insurance policy she talked him into buying matures- so she decides they should do all of their moving and storage by using this professional MakeSpace service.  It's a rather odd way to end what was to this point a really graphic, horrifying commercial, but ok.

Nobody asked for this, Progressive. Nobody.

Yes, this is very topical.  Everyone's doing this these days.  Nobody likes doing it, and everyone hopes that it's over sooner rather than later.

That being said, nobody misses any of these Progressive Insurance spokeschoads.  Especially Flo.  Nobody is going through Flo withdrawals; that is, no one is REALLY going through Flo withdrawals, though if you scroll down the comments you'll see that there are people out there willing to pretend to love these ads for nickels. 

BTW, Zoom meetings are generally carried out to make it easier for actual teams of workers to remain in communication during the Age of Social Isolation.  None of this is demonstrated during this Progressive Ad- it's just the usual cadre of idiots blathering nonsense about nothing.  Maybe Progressive wants to give us a Taste of Normalcy, since this is all we expect from Progressive commercials even when we aren't in the middle of a pandemic.

The Geico Gecko is wearing a mask during a commercial in 3.....2......1.......

I have three questions for Chuck Woolery as well (or More fun from the United States Money Reserve of non-Money)

1.  "What's the United States Money Reserve, and why did it intentionally choose a name designed to con the soft-headed into believing that it's an official branch of the US Government?" (Connected question:  Why is the fact that it's NOT connected to the US Government presented in a font impossible to read unless one has a tv screen the size of a football field?)

2.  "The current price of gold is just over $1750 per ounce.  Why would anyone pay $189 for one-tenth of an ounce of gold (plus shipping and handling) from the company you're pimping for?  Because it looks pretty?  Because it looks like a coin (but isn't?) 

3.  "What are you doing in this ad?  Joe Namath beat you out for the gig pimping non-Medicare old age 'insurance?'  Decide that you weren't doing anything with your soul so you might as well sell it to the highest bidder?  What?"

Totally Tonal-deaf

The Stock Market is still down almost 20% from its highs of  only two months ago, when thousands upon thousands of terrified people cashed out their 401(k)s to make sure they had SOME money to live on.  The Unemployment rate is almost 15%.  Millions of Americans are scared to death that even when the Lock Down and Stay at Home orders are lifted, the jobs they counted on to pay their mortgage and kids' college funds and health care and just to put food on the table simply won't be there anymore.

But hell, let's not worry about that- let's focus on this new piece of technology that deals with a REALLY urgent matter:  How are rich white people going to keep up their exercise routine?

This monstrosity STARTS at $2995.  And that's before the monthly workout subscriptions.  But let's face it, this isn't aimed at people who are at all concerned about anything like Money.  More like people who are bored with their daily Peloton sessions and are looking for a little variety before ending the day with a soak in the hot tub.  And bonus- this thing has a small footprint, so you can set it up right next to that Peloton bike, not that floor space is any more of an issue for the customers of this obscenity than its price is.

Because its the kind of exercise that fits MY budget, I'm heading out for another walk into a world I hate just a little bit more thanks to this commercial.

Grubhub's Lame Guilt Trip

"Restaurants.....are our family."

Whose family?  Grubhub's?  If that's what this commercial is saying, don't you actually mean "Reason we Exist" or "Way we make money?"  If by "our" you mean "America's," well....that's a problem, too.  When I visit a family member and have a meal, I'm not expected to pay for it.  When I make something for a family member, I don't hand them a bill or expect a tip.  Because, you know, Family.  How the hell is any business my "family?"

"...and our family needs help."  Again with the vague language.  I can totally understand if Grubhub sees Restaurants as their family they would say their family needs help- restaurants are in trouble, which means Grubhub is in trouble.  Grubhub can't deliver for family members- errr, restaurants- that are out of business.  And if restaurants are "the cornerstones of our communities" (at this point, I've given up trying to figure out who the "our" is) well, it's totally bad that they need help. 

"Right now they're facing a crisis, and they're counting on your takeout and delivery orders to help them through."  Ok now, we've cut to the chase.  Restaurants are suffering from dramatic losses in revenue due to the Stay at Home orders and the mandated closing of dining rooms.  To survive financially, they really, really need for us to keep "eating out" by ordering takeout and delivery food.  Oh by the way it sure would help if we used Grubhub too, btw- because Restaurants are Family, and Grubhub is the way we can kind of enjoy our Family without having to visit it, which actually does sound kind of attractive.

So the bottom line:  Grubhub wants to remind us that we have Family Responsibilities that don't end just because we can't go out to eat.  Sorry, but we don't get to use the Social Distancing excuse to avoid visiting our Families, because our Families still need our money, just like Always.  If anything, we should be spending more of our money on those Family members who make food in exchange for our money.  And it just makes it extra-special-family time if we employ Grubhub to transfer all that Togetherness that Looks a Lot like Food from them to us. 

Oh, by the way?  Doesn't really matter that most of us aren't making extra money just because we can't visit our Families.  Doesn't matter that many of us are actually hurting financially right now.  Pick up that phone, go online, do whatever you need to do to Stay in Touch with your Family and arrange to give them some money, because they are really Hurting right now.  Just do it.   You have to.  IT'S FAMILY!