Air Police 4 Layer Masks- Because, Again, Yay Capitalism!

Yes, America is "coming back stronger than ever" - just check out the Stock  Market, where the one percent are taking advantage of the bargains created when people who feared losing their jobs or were already retired and living off dividends panicked and sold out their 401(ks!)  Better yet, just look at the sea of pretty flags!

Let's just dissect this latest example of crass opportunism run amok:

1.  These are advertised as "non-medical face masks."  In other words, they aren't for keeping you isolated from COVID-19.  They are for allowing you to enter stores and ride public transportation.  And if that's all you want masks for, you can cut up a sock or wrap a scarf around your face and accomplish the same thing.

2.  They are "in stock now and ready to ship"- from where?  Shut up, that's where!  I mean, don't these people pulling pallets of boxes look American to you?  That should be good enough!  Plus we showed you those flags before!

3.  They have FOUR LAYERS of paper, not the usual (?) three.  Does this mean anything, considering we've already been told they are "non-medical?"  Do we need to show you those flags again?

4.  Something about an "amazing electrostatic charge."  Seriously, is this an SNL skit?  Does this thing come with batteries?  What is the utility of an "electrostatic charge" when it comes to protection?  I don't get it, and I don't think we are supposed to get it- I'm pretty sure this line is in the commercial to distract us that these masks don't contain any therapeutic copper.

5.  They cover your "entire nose and face..." um, like every other mask?  Oh, and they won't fog your glasses- which is basically taking something negative about the product (it's thin) and tries to spin it into something positive (therefore, your breath effortlessly flows through the mask.)  Unlike those stupid medical masks with filters and such.  So much better!

6.  It's design provides an "extra layer of protection"-- um, what do you mean "extra?"  Why do I suspect that when you open your package of Air Police masks, the first thing you see is a disclaimer urging you to wear an actual mask underneath it?  Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

7.  They are "one size fits all."  Which means, they come in one size.  Again, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

8.  Here's a guy pretending to be a cop talking about being "on the front lines every day."  He isn't wearing a mask.  I don't know why he's in this ad.

9.  "Remember, other masks have only three layers of protection and are made in China.  Air Police 4 has four layers and ships directly to your door...."  Did you catch that little sleight of hand?  Were we told where Air Police 4 masks were made?  No, we were not.  But I bet a whole lot of listeners got the impression that they are NOT made in China.  BTW, aren't masks made in China also shipped directly to our door?  Shut up and look at the flags again!

10.  ".....from our USA Based Company...." wow, seriously?  So wherever Air Police 4 masks are made, they are shipped FROM a USA Based Company.  Are they made in the USA?  I think the answer is pretty obviously NO, because if they were, that fact would be trumpeted loudly, not sort-of-implied using weasel words that say no such thing.

11.  One more thing, though the commercial cuts off before we can get to it and I had to find this by doing a little research- we are told that these masks can cost "as little as 99 cents per unit."  But to get that price, you have to buy A HUNDRED OF THEM.  If you buy ten, they are $1.99 each.  If you buy forty, they are $1.49 each.  For paper masks which offer no proven protection but will allow you to go into stores and ride public transportation. 

Man, I miss commercials for overpriced sunglasses and solar-powered security lights and portable "air conditioners."  But considering that America is On Its Way Back to spiking death rates due to premature reopening, I'd say we are in for a lot more ads like this before this Terrible No-Good Very Bad Year is over.

Ugh this Open Care Final Expenses ad is so awkward....

...and yes, I'm well aware that calling a Funeral Expenses Commercial "awkward" is like calling water "wet," but this is even worse than usual. 

First, the level of acting has really reached the bottom of the barrel in this ad- both "daughter" and "mom" are clearly just waiting for their cues to spit out the most incredibly stilted dialogue to be found outside Hallmark Christmas movies.  Daughter expresses relief that mom has survived Yet Another health crisis and will be returning home briefly- because like all children, what she really wants is to come in one day and find mom dead on the kitchen floor, not conveniently passed away in a hospital.  Wow, thank goodness you didn't die right here in this bed surrounded by witnesses who can do all the paperwork without all the awkwardness and instead improved the odds of just expiring while cooking, cleaning, watching tv or a hundred other ways which will allow us to have a big traumatic, scary, stressful situation involving phone calls and the police and (insult added to injury) expensive paramedics showing up anyway.  Yep, this is a real blessing.

Second, what's with mom's "immediate payout of up to $30,000" line?  She bought the insurance.  She should know EXACTLY what the payout will be when she finally dies (probably while driving, so she can wreck her nice car and cause an expensive accident too.  Yeah, much better than her just passing quietly in the hospital bed.)  "Up to $30,000" sounds like it was inserted exclusively for the television audience, not Concerned Daughter.  I know if were CD, I wouldn't nod in response to "up to $30,000."  I'd ask "what does THAT mean?  What's the SMALLEST amount that the payout can be?  And btw, where do you get off buying f--ng meatsack burial insurance?  What about your f--ing medical bills?  You got THOSE taken care of?  Or are you going to leave us with a big stack of those because you thought making sure you got some damn ornate box to rot away in was a bigger priority?"  Speaking of which....

Third:  When I think "Final Expenses," I mean enough money to pay all those hospital bills, settle any debts, etc. so the heirs can enjoy the property Mom left without taking out their own loans to pay out.  When Open Care says "Final Expenses," they mean a funeral, a box, a hole in the ground, and a pretty rock which displays the name of the person in the box in the hole in the ground.  Want to make sure your family has bitter memories of you?  Buy a big Funeral Insurance policy so your loved ones can have a formal gathering they can spend discussing where they are going to come up with the money to save your house from foreclosure. 

Fourth, what the heck is the poor nurse thinking as she checks this blathering old fool's I-V right in the middle of this ridiculously awkward conversation?  She's just trying to do her job, and these emotionless drones are chatting away about Corpse Box Insurance. 

Eliquis presents the fine line between Inspiring and Depressing

               
This otherwise fill-in-the-blank "I'm so glad I found this new drug with horrific possible side effects including internal bleeding" drug commercial caught my attention because of the very first line uttered by the utterly unsympathetic idiot who stars in it.  It's a line that I guess is supposed to be Throw-away inspiring or hopeful or something, but I didn't get that feeling at all.

This old dope tells us that he's "always been amazed by 'Whats Next?'"  I am quite certain that the intention was to show us an adventure-seeking individual who has never lost his childlike fascination and appreciation of the world.  But when I hear someone basically tell me that they are always looking ahead to the next experience, I hear an easily-distracted, never-satisfied, and above all ungrateful dope who refuses to actually enjoy anything because he's convinced there's something better around the next corner.  This guy doesn't appreciate the wonders of life he's experiencing today- he's too busy planning for tomorrow.  This is something we expect from toddlers, teenagers, and (to a lesser extent) from young adults.  It's a natural, healthy attitude for people who are taking in the world and impatient to get out into it.  It's not charming from a middle-aged (retired?) guy to refuse to live in the Now and just wants to move on to the next Shiny Object (never mind that all the shiny objects he encounters seems to involve fishing.*)

In his quest for "what's next," this guy decided (on his own) that maybe the drug his doctor prescribed for him "wasn't really the best for him" (maybe "what's next" is medical school?  Only if fishing is involved) so he took it upon himself to look into Eliquis.  Since he's an American with gold-plated health insurance, his doctor was more than willing to change his prescription and put him on this new drug, so he could walk around with a smug smile confident that NOW he's taking the RIGHT drug that, just like the old one, has internal bleeding as one of many possibly fatal side effects.  Good for you, buddy- now you've created another door- "being rushed to the Emergency Room before flatlining" as a possible "what's next" adventure in what looks like a pretty boring- and unsatisfying- life.

*there is no "what's next" to fishing.  It's just more fishing.  Figure it out, idiot.

I totally endorse this Coventry Ad

The old people in this ad took a walk one day and got to thinking about this big life insurance policy they were paying into.  It suddenly occurred to them that they were gaining absolutely nothing from this policy- in fact, it was having a negative impact on their lives, as it was costing them money in paid premiums every. Single. Month.

To what end?  Well, if they died...then their little grandchildren would cash in.  But what good would that do these nice old people?  If the insurance policy were cashed in, that would mean these nice old people were dead.  Would they be looking down from heaven, watching these little brats rolling around on a carpet covered with insurance money?  Maybe there isn't any heaven- so the old people would never get to see the impact- negative or positive- this hard-earned, long-paid-for insurance money had on those grandchildren.  Maybe their adult children would use the insurance money to buy a vacation in Europe, or a new BMW, while skimping on the funeral costs. 

So when these two nice old people got home from their walk, they made the sensible decision to say "f---k it" to the premiums and sell their policy to Coventry for a nice chunk of cash they can use RIGHT NOW, and the next generation can take care of its own damn self.

In the heartwarming final scene, we see the little grandchildren running happily to greet Grandma and Grandpa.  Clearly, their parents have no idea what just happened to that pot of gold they were anticipating, because they are still on speaking terms with their grandparents and the grandparents are still getting visitation privileges.  If Grandma and Grandpa are smart, they'll keep their very intelligent, sensible decision to themselves, because there is No Wrath Greater than that of a Disappointed Legatee. 

Another totally relatable exercise bike ad

Before we get started- does it bother anybody else that neither of these all-glass apartments seem to have any curtains anywhere?  So the wealthy, beautiful people living in them want to live in fishbowls?  What if these apartments are ever rented to people who AREN'T physically perfect or- and I know, this is kind of a stretch in the year 2020- might actually want some privacy now and then?

Ok, on to the ad- wow, not only do these people have identical apartments each which look into the other, but they residents have both purchased identical exercise bikes which have been placed perfectly to challenge each other, and they choose to exercise at exactly the same time, logging in to the same class.  Now that is a series of convenient contrivances.*

If you thought for one moment that this ad was going to end with the guy winning, well.....you haven't watched a lot of commercials this century, have you? 

A YouTube commenter makes an observation I made the third or fourth time I watched this- as the girl leaves, she gives a little flirty shoulder twitch to the guy she "beat" as they both walk away to enjoy a little privacy in the small part of their ridiculous apartment that is not visible to the rest of the planet.  But then we get a zoom-out view in which we see her giving that same flirty shoulder twitch- is this the same scene from a different POV, or does she do it again?  Either way, it's pretty stupid.  It's like the people who made this obnoxious little nugget just wanted to remind us that these people live in ridiculous apartments.  We got it already.

*Ok, I get that these two people must know each other, otherwise they'd have no idea they were in direct competition, as their screens only show first names.  So are they coworkers who happen to live in identical buildings directly across from each other?   They didn't meet because they live in the same building- they DON'T live in the same building.  Are they dating?  I don't get that vibe- it seems to me that these two people just realized at some point that they were in the same "race" and motivated each other to work out harder.  But how did that happen?  So confused.

USPS: Check your Priorities

Look, I know the US Postal Service is under attack right now, and is under attack whenever there's been a Republican in office since the Nixon Administration.  I don't want to pile on, but I just gotta say...

When I see "Memorial Day Holiday," I note that the word "day" appears TWICE.  It doesn't say "week," and it doesn't say "days."  It's a one-day vacation for you, USPS. 

So please explain to me why I haven't seen a postal worker dropping mail off at my house at all this week.  UPS has been here.  FedEx trucks are rolling through the neighborhood.  Amazon keeps showing up.  But official, stamped mail from the US Postal Service?  Apparently, you guys are still on vacation.

Again, it's Memorial DAY.  Not DAYS.  Hope you enjoyed your barbecues which closed out your long weekend.  But it's Thursday now.  Can you start delivering mail again, please, before Independence Day arrives? 

"Lily" makes an unasked-for "return" to AT &T

1.  No, you are not "Lily from AT&T."  Your name is Milana Vayntrub.   It took a five second Google search to find that out.  Cut the crap.

2.  "Most stores are still open, but I'm working from home..." you don't work at any AT&T store.  You're a model, comedian, and actress.  You have never worked at an AT&T store, and if you ever do it's because something went horribly wrong in your career.  As it is, you're doing just fine because your income isn't derived from convincing people to trade in perfectly good phones for slightly "better" phones and signing up for long, expensive contracts which don't appear very expensive at the time because they are so long and those monthly payments look so small plus This Phone Will Really Let You Show Well For Your Friends.

3.  Nice house.  Actual employees at actual AT&T stores don't live in houses like that.  Even if they had nice apartments before the pandemic hit, my guess is that they were furnished more modestly than your house is, and that things are getting very tough for them because, frankly, AT&T doesn't need a whole lot of "work from home" sales people.

4.  Seriously, just STFU.