Just a quick take on this Claritin Ad

I have seasonal allergies.  I didn't grow up with them, but developed them when I was in my early or mid-40s.  Suddenly every spring my throat would become very itchy, my nose would run uncontrollably, my ears would get plugged up and my eyes would swell up and explode.  I might be exaggerating a bit with that last point.

Anyway, I deal with allergies fairly effectively by taking an allergy pill every night before going to bed.  It helps me sleep, and it manages the symptoms reasonably well, though this year I think I might be getting through the spring a little better than usual because I'm wearing a mask whenever I go outside.  As opposed to most years, when I'd only wear a mask on Friday and Saturday nights, because those were my crime-fighting nights.  But I digress.

Even with taking a nightly pill, I still don't spend a lot of time shoving my face into grass or rubbing noses with puppies (yuck.)  Like the idiots who take Nyquil and then go skydiving or rock-climbing the next day, this guy is really asking a lot of his medication.  It's not magic, you idiot.  But at least we don't see him skipping out on his daughter's bike-riding lessons because he's got the sniffles; we see that in a lot of these ads.  Still...take it easy, man. 

Coming up Next: Cascade suggestively encourages us to run our vacuums over clean floors

Yeah yeah yeah we get it, Cascade:  we are supposed to think that these people are talking about sex.  Wink-wink and all that.  Except, nobody with two functioning brain cells thinks that they are talking about sex before the "big reveal," because, well, we've watched television before. 

So I'm not going to just give a big thumbs-down to the "haha how cute these old people are still intimate isn't that awesome its like imagining trolls mating" message you're obviously trying to sell us in the first few seconds.  Instead, I'm going to point out the absurdity of a commercial which encourages us to "save water" by running our dishwashers every night even if we don't really have anything to wash in them.  What exactly is environmentally responsible about running a dishwasher that is 90 percent empty Just Because?  Ok, that's better than using several gallons of heated water to clean off a few plates and forks, but isn't just giving that stuff a quick wipe and then leaving it in the machine until it's full even better?  Not only will I save water, but my machine might last longer because I'm not putting it to work every night, like clockwork, whether I need it or not.

I expect I'll see car companies encourage us to just run our automobiles for half an hour or so every night- you know, because that will save gasoline as opposed to driving long distances.  Maybe we should keep our windows open while we run the AC, because that's somewhat more energy efficient than just putting the AC unit in the driveway and attempting to cool the neighborhood.  So many ways to save energy we've never thought of.  Thanks for the jump start, Cascade!

National Tax Experts: COVID-19 is DEFINITELY an Opportunity...but for what?

Were you annoyed with paying taxes, because it reduced the money you had left over from your paycheck you had to spend on things you wanted?  In other words, were you sick of taxes getting in the way of living the lifestyle you wanted to live?

Are you now tired of "dodging the IRS" which is "hounding you" to pay the taxes you decided you just didn't wanna pay even though you knew those taxes represented your contribution to the society you live in and whose benefits you enjoy?

Are you willing to believe absolutely anything?  I mean, including a pitch that the COVID-19 emergency could be connected to a Get Out of Your Responsibilities Free card when it comes to paying your taxes? 

If all of the above is true, LISTEN TO THIS!......

"The Corona Virus has forced the government to take extensive actions (well, maybe- not extensive enough, and way too late) that might make this the most Opportunistic Time (well, that's a refreshingly honest way to put it) to Restructure or Resolve your tax debt."  And take a look at this pretty young couple, totally befuddled at the tax bills that Came Out of Nowhere just like that dog that ate her homework once, or that car that jumped in front of his in the parking lot when he was standing perfectly still while very safely trying to update his Facebook account.  They sure look like Innocent Victims, just like those Other Times. 

"You may have heard that there were tax filing extensions put into place as a response to COVID-19.  We hope that you allow us to make a nonexistent connection between actual tax filing extensions and 'aggressive new programs' that will allow you to restructure or even eliminate your tax debt.  You know, like you allow other companies to make the invisible connection between Medicare and Medicare Insurance Cards pitched by Joe Namath.  You're really good at hearing what you want to hear, after all."

"Act now before it's too late, because we all know that once this current Emergency lifts we'll be right back to pointing out entirely generic 'troubled times' in these ads and we won't be able to use a specific, actual Emergency anymore.  But let's be real- we're going to be able to milk this thing for years.  That's why we used COVID-19 and Opportunistic in the same sentence, after all."

Air Police 4 Layer Masks- Because, Again, Yay Capitalism!

Yes, America is "coming back stronger than ever" - just check out the Stock  Market, where the one percent are taking advantage of the bargains created when people who feared losing their jobs or were already retired and living off dividends panicked and sold out their 401(ks!)  Better yet, just look at the sea of pretty flags!

Let's just dissect this latest example of crass opportunism run amok:

1.  These are advertised as "non-medical face masks."  In other words, they aren't for keeping you isolated from COVID-19.  They are for allowing you to enter stores and ride public transportation.  And if that's all you want masks for, you can cut up a sock or wrap a scarf around your face and accomplish the same thing.

2.  They are "in stock now and ready to ship"- from where?  Shut up, that's where!  I mean, don't these people pulling pallets of boxes look American to you?  That should be good enough!  Plus we showed you those flags before!

3.  They have FOUR LAYERS of paper, not the usual (?) three.  Does this mean anything, considering we've already been told they are "non-medical?"  Do we need to show you those flags again?

4.  Something about an "amazing electrostatic charge."  Seriously, is this an SNL skit?  Does this thing come with batteries?  What is the utility of an "electrostatic charge" when it comes to protection?  I don't get it, and I don't think we are supposed to get it- I'm pretty sure this line is in the commercial to distract us that these masks don't contain any therapeutic copper.

5.  They cover your "entire nose and face..." um, like every other mask?  Oh, and they won't fog your glasses- which is basically taking something negative about the product (it's thin) and tries to spin it into something positive (therefore, your breath effortlessly flows through the mask.)  Unlike those stupid medical masks with filters and such.  So much better!

6.  It's design provides an "extra layer of protection"-- um, what do you mean "extra?"  Why do I suspect that when you open your package of Air Police masks, the first thing you see is a disclaimer urging you to wear an actual mask underneath it?  Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

7.  They are "one size fits all."  Which means, they come in one size.  Again, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

8.  Here's a guy pretending to be a cop talking about being "on the front lines every day."  He isn't wearing a mask.  I don't know why he's in this ad.

9.  "Remember, other masks have only three layers of protection and are made in China.  Air Police 4 has four layers and ships directly to your door...."  Did you catch that little sleight of hand?  Were we told where Air Police 4 masks were made?  No, we were not.  But I bet a whole lot of listeners got the impression that they are NOT made in China.  BTW, aren't masks made in China also shipped directly to our door?  Shut up and look at the flags again!

10.  ".....from our USA Based Company...." wow, seriously?  So wherever Air Police 4 masks are made, they are shipped FROM a USA Based Company.  Are they made in the USA?  I think the answer is pretty obviously NO, because if they were, that fact would be trumpeted loudly, not sort-of-implied using weasel words that say no such thing.

11.  One more thing, though the commercial cuts off before we can get to it and I had to find this by doing a little research- we are told that these masks can cost "as little as 99 cents per unit."  But to get that price, you have to buy A HUNDRED OF THEM.  If you buy ten, they are $1.99 each.  If you buy forty, they are $1.49 each.  For paper masks which offer no proven protection but will allow you to go into stores and ride public transportation. 

Man, I miss commercials for overpriced sunglasses and solar-powered security lights and portable "air conditioners."  But considering that America is On Its Way Back to spiking death rates due to premature reopening, I'd say we are in for a lot more ads like this before this Terrible No-Good Very Bad Year is over.

Ugh this Open Care Final Expenses ad is so awkward....

...and yes, I'm well aware that calling a Funeral Expenses Commercial "awkward" is like calling water "wet," but this is even worse than usual. 

First, the level of acting has really reached the bottom of the barrel in this ad- both "daughter" and "mom" are clearly just waiting for their cues to spit out the most incredibly stilted dialogue to be found outside Hallmark Christmas movies.  Daughter expresses relief that mom has survived Yet Another health crisis and will be returning home briefly- because like all children, what she really wants is to come in one day and find mom dead on the kitchen floor, not conveniently passed away in a hospital.  Wow, thank goodness you didn't die right here in this bed surrounded by witnesses who can do all the paperwork without all the awkwardness and instead improved the odds of just expiring while cooking, cleaning, watching tv or a hundred other ways which will allow us to have a big traumatic, scary, stressful situation involving phone calls and the police and (insult added to injury) expensive paramedics showing up anyway.  Yep, this is a real blessing.

Second, what's with mom's "immediate payout of up to $30,000" line?  She bought the insurance.  She should know EXACTLY what the payout will be when she finally dies (probably while driving, so she can wreck her nice car and cause an expensive accident too.  Yeah, much better than her just passing quietly in the hospital bed.)  "Up to $30,000" sounds like it was inserted exclusively for the television audience, not Concerned Daughter.  I know if were CD, I wouldn't nod in response to "up to $30,000."  I'd ask "what does THAT mean?  What's the SMALLEST amount that the payout can be?  And btw, where do you get off buying f--ng meatsack burial insurance?  What about your f--ing medical bills?  You got THOSE taken care of?  Or are you going to leave us with a big stack of those because you thought making sure you got some damn ornate box to rot away in was a bigger priority?"  Speaking of which....

Third:  When I think "Final Expenses," I mean enough money to pay all those hospital bills, settle any debts, etc. so the heirs can enjoy the property Mom left without taking out their own loans to pay out.  When Open Care says "Final Expenses," they mean a funeral, a box, a hole in the ground, and a pretty rock which displays the name of the person in the box in the hole in the ground.  Want to make sure your family has bitter memories of you?  Buy a big Funeral Insurance policy so your loved ones can have a formal gathering they can spend discussing where they are going to come up with the money to save your house from foreclosure. 

Fourth, what the heck is the poor nurse thinking as she checks this blathering old fool's I-V right in the middle of this ridiculously awkward conversation?  She's just trying to do her job, and these emotionless drones are chatting away about Corpse Box Insurance. 

Eliquis presents the fine line between Inspiring and Depressing

               
This otherwise fill-in-the-blank "I'm so glad I found this new drug with horrific possible side effects including internal bleeding" drug commercial caught my attention because of the very first line uttered by the utterly unsympathetic idiot who stars in it.  It's a line that I guess is supposed to be Throw-away inspiring or hopeful or something, but I didn't get that feeling at all.

This old dope tells us that he's "always been amazed by 'Whats Next?'"  I am quite certain that the intention was to show us an adventure-seeking individual who has never lost his childlike fascination and appreciation of the world.  But when I hear someone basically tell me that they are always looking ahead to the next experience, I hear an easily-distracted, never-satisfied, and above all ungrateful dope who refuses to actually enjoy anything because he's convinced there's something better around the next corner.  This guy doesn't appreciate the wonders of life he's experiencing today- he's too busy planning for tomorrow.  This is something we expect from toddlers, teenagers, and (to a lesser extent) from young adults.  It's a natural, healthy attitude for people who are taking in the world and impatient to get out into it.  It's not charming from a middle-aged (retired?) guy to refuse to live in the Now and just wants to move on to the next Shiny Object (never mind that all the shiny objects he encounters seems to involve fishing.*)

In his quest for "what's next," this guy decided (on his own) that maybe the drug his doctor prescribed for him "wasn't really the best for him" (maybe "what's next" is medical school?  Only if fishing is involved) so he took it upon himself to look into Eliquis.  Since he's an American with gold-plated health insurance, his doctor was more than willing to change his prescription and put him on this new drug, so he could walk around with a smug smile confident that NOW he's taking the RIGHT drug that, just like the old one, has internal bleeding as one of many possibly fatal side effects.  Good for you, buddy- now you've created another door- "being rushed to the Emergency Room before flatlining" as a possible "what's next" adventure in what looks like a pretty boring- and unsatisfying- life.

*there is no "what's next" to fishing.  It's just more fishing.  Figure it out, idiot.

I totally endorse this Coventry Ad

The old people in this ad took a walk one day and got to thinking about this big life insurance policy they were paying into.  It suddenly occurred to them that they were gaining absolutely nothing from this policy- in fact, it was having a negative impact on their lives, as it was costing them money in paid premiums every. Single. Month.

To what end?  Well, if they died...then their little grandchildren would cash in.  But what good would that do these nice old people?  If the insurance policy were cashed in, that would mean these nice old people were dead.  Would they be looking down from heaven, watching these little brats rolling around on a carpet covered with insurance money?  Maybe there isn't any heaven- so the old people would never get to see the impact- negative or positive- this hard-earned, long-paid-for insurance money had on those grandchildren.  Maybe their adult children would use the insurance money to buy a vacation in Europe, or a new BMW, while skimping on the funeral costs. 

So when these two nice old people got home from their walk, they made the sensible decision to say "f---k it" to the premiums and sell their policy to Coventry for a nice chunk of cash they can use RIGHT NOW, and the next generation can take care of its own damn self.

In the heartwarming final scene, we see the little grandchildren running happily to greet Grandma and Grandpa.  Clearly, their parents have no idea what just happened to that pot of gold they were anticipating, because they are still on speaking terms with their grandparents and the grandparents are still getting visitation privileges.  If Grandma and Grandpa are smart, they'll keep their very intelligent, sensible decision to themselves, because there is No Wrath Greater than that of a Disappointed Legatee.