Mercedes-Benz trains up the next generation of insufferable brats

Ok, so the little boy in this commercial is eager to go on his very first date (I guess) but there's a snowstorm, which for pretty much anyone else on the planet would mean the date is going to be postponed.*   Problem is, this kid isn't used to being disappointed.  He looks like an only child, he lives in the suburbs, and mom and dad own a Mercedes.  So he's all ready to go, grab the keys, dad.

Not only does dad drive the kid to the mall, but he seems determined to get there and then back home to the family McMansion as quickly as possible, because he's not driving especially slowly considering its kind of been implied that its not that safe to be driving. 

They arrive at the movie theater, which considering the empty parking lot sure looks closed because- well, the weather, after all.  But again, this is a rich kid with a rich family who gets what he wants, so they just park in the empty lot and go in.

There's one worker at the concession stand.  She's there just in case this kid and his dad ignored the obvious bad weather and drove out assuming everything would be perfectly fine.  Don't know how she got there, but I think it's safe to assume that she had a hard time of it as I'm pretty sure she doesn't own a Mercedes Benz.  But it's also safe to assume that she can't afford to just not come in to work even if the weather is bad if the theater owners want to stay open just in case some spoiled knothead insists on watching a movie during a blizzard.

There's no one in the theater- I guess he was supposed to meet his date in there, and not in the lobby, where he could buy her ticket and offer her popcorn and soda.  He decides that her father had a little more common sense and just told his daughter "sorry, but there will be lots of opportunities to organize a make-up date," for chrissakes.

Oh, but no- turns out that this little kid runs with his Own Kind, and asked out a Little Princess  whose father also owns a Mercedes Benz and who also doesn't know how to raise a sensible kid or doesn't think he has to because, after all, he's rich and owns a Mercedes Benz. 

I didn't watch the end of the commercial, so if it doesn't end with these entitled brats sitting by themselves in the theater eating popcorn and drinking soda watching a film being projected by one irritated worker drone while another mans the concession stand Just in Case Their Highnesses might want some candy at some point, you can let me know.

The Privilege!  It Burns!

 *When I was in college, my very first date with a girl I liked was supposed to be at Ronald Reagan's second inaugural parade.  It was cancelled due to inclement weather.  If I were an older version of these kids at that time, I guess I would have jumped into my own Mercedes-Benz, picked up that girl, and headed off Pennsylvania Avenue to sit in the stands while my parents demanded that the High School bands start entertaining us.  I mean, come on.  LIFE HAPPENS, KIDS.  But I guess if you own a Mercedes,  Life is just something that gets out of your way.

Lit Mobile's Charger Scam makes me happy for some reason

Maybe it's because the only ad I could find for this "solar powered lightning-fast phone charger" was disguised as a YouTube Review.  I could probably start a spin-off to this blog devoted to phony YouTube reviews.  The Evil Genius of creating fake reviews just makes my heart glow, especially when they are drowned by Actual Reviews exposing their fakery.  So much fun to watch.

Anyway, this Amazing Solar Powered Charger being sold for sixty percent off ($39.99) for a limited time only (it's a Spring Sale, and my calendar tells me that there's less than 48 hours left to Spring) is absolutely identical to something called the Innovative JD-T19 3 USB Ports Solar Charger 200000mh Wireless Power Bank Q1 Solar Panel Charger Power Bank (that's exactly what it's called) available at everybody's favorite source of mystery-box junk, Alibaba.  Except that at Alibaba, it costs $10.99.  And it might even show up in your mailbox someday. 

Ok, that's not fair- it's entirely possible that Lil Mobile will send you a charger in exchange for your $39.99, eventually.  It'll just be the same one you could have picked up for $10.99 at Alibaba.  Probably from the same warehouse in Guangzhou.  And then you'll have a light-up paperweight that would have been very expensive at $10.99.

Here's what gets me about these phony chargers and other electronics scams- everyone who owns a SmartPhone knows where they can get legitimate chargers for them, because Apple, Samsung etc sell chargers from their official sites.  Those companies have zero incentive for making it difficult for us to charge our phones, so why wouldn't we just assume that they'd be on the cutting edge of charging technology?  Why would we trust some unfamiliar company to provide us with the best chargers?  Makes no sense. 

And other than the debunking videos being fun to watch, I can't really explain why these commercials make me happy.  Maybe it's because most of the people who fall for these pitches are probably just stupid kids who can't keep their phones charged because they never stop using them.  Anything that throws a wrench into their nonstop jabbering, watching and texting is going to warm my cold dead heart just a little.

Copper Fit's stone soup

Let's be honest- just as it was only a matter of time before some company began to add copper- or the concept of copper, or just the name "copper"- to knee sleeves in order to sell them to the population of woo-ingesting idiots out there whose brains are in the 12th century and who think that copper is Magic, it was also pretty inevitable that the same company would remember that there's a larger population of not-so-very-stupid people out there who associate menthol with pain management and start adding THAT to their knee sleeves.  I'm just kind of amazed that it took this long.

Menthol was first isolated as a chemical in the late-18th century, and today is used in dozens of different products, probably coming closer to the old description of a Magical Cure-All than anything since the formation of the FDA.  It's used in cough drops, cough syrup, creams and inhalers to relieve cold symptoms.  It's found in antibacterials to relieve itching and swelling, and lip balms to prevent and treat chapping and cracking.  And, of course, it's used to reduce ("provide temporary relief from") muscle aches and pains.

To that last point, menthol is the main active ingredient in balms and other topical treatments made by multiple competing pharmaceutical companies, and for good reason:  It's cheap (though not quite as cheap as just adding the word "copper" to your product) and enjoys a positive reputation built from years of practical experience.  I doubt there's an adult in the United States who wasn't raised to just ASSUME that menthol does what the companies selling it to you say it does.  It would be like questioning the power of water to quench thirst.  Practically heresy.

So why would I snark Copper Fit for adding menthol to its knee sleeves?  To answer this question, I simply have to go back to the title of this particular blog post.  Copper Fit knee sleeves, by themselves, are pretty pointless, expensive little pieces of holistic nonsense which are sold with trumpeted claims of magic properties which "work" on people who are really susceptible to the placebo effect.  The commercials look great, these old people who could barely walk are now running, these very believable, sincere-looking people who look like my family members and friends swear they work, plus- unlike that off-the-shelf stuff- they have this cool logo and are Infused with the Properties of Copper.  If I put one on and am not running marathons five minutes later, I just Don't Believe Enough.  Adding menthol is a very interesting concession by Copper Fit- it's adding actual vegetables and spice to a soup we were told was great already.  Copper Fit might as well include a bottle of Tylenol and a jar of Biofreeze (only active ingredient: Menthol) and just raise the price of the sleeve a little.  Maybe throw in a warm-up stretching routine as a bonus, Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling.  Don't worry, the great majority of the customer base for Copper Fit knee sleeves will continue to attribute any improvement to the Magic of Copper. 

Just a quick take on this Claritin Ad

I have seasonal allergies.  I didn't grow up with them, but developed them when I was in my early or mid-40s.  Suddenly every spring my throat would become very itchy, my nose would run uncontrollably, my ears would get plugged up and my eyes would swell up and explode.  I might be exaggerating a bit with that last point.

Anyway, I deal with allergies fairly effectively by taking an allergy pill every night before going to bed.  It helps me sleep, and it manages the symptoms reasonably well, though this year I think I might be getting through the spring a little better than usual because I'm wearing a mask whenever I go outside.  As opposed to most years, when I'd only wear a mask on Friday and Saturday nights, because those were my crime-fighting nights.  But I digress.

Even with taking a nightly pill, I still don't spend a lot of time shoving my face into grass or rubbing noses with puppies (yuck.)  Like the idiots who take Nyquil and then go skydiving or rock-climbing the next day, this guy is really asking a lot of his medication.  It's not magic, you idiot.  But at least we don't see him skipping out on his daughter's bike-riding lessons because he's got the sniffles; we see that in a lot of these ads.  Still...take it easy, man. 

Coming up Next: Cascade suggestively encourages us to run our vacuums over clean floors

Yeah yeah yeah we get it, Cascade:  we are supposed to think that these people are talking about sex.  Wink-wink and all that.  Except, nobody with two functioning brain cells thinks that they are talking about sex before the "big reveal," because, well, we've watched television before. 

So I'm not going to just give a big thumbs-down to the "haha how cute these old people are still intimate isn't that awesome its like imagining trolls mating" message you're obviously trying to sell us in the first few seconds.  Instead, I'm going to point out the absurdity of a commercial which encourages us to "save water" by running our dishwashers every night even if we don't really have anything to wash in them.  What exactly is environmentally responsible about running a dishwasher that is 90 percent empty Just Because?  Ok, that's better than using several gallons of heated water to clean off a few plates and forks, but isn't just giving that stuff a quick wipe and then leaving it in the machine until it's full even better?  Not only will I save water, but my machine might last longer because I'm not putting it to work every night, like clockwork, whether I need it or not.

I expect I'll see car companies encourage us to just run our automobiles for half an hour or so every night- you know, because that will save gasoline as opposed to driving long distances.  Maybe we should keep our windows open while we run the AC, because that's somewhat more energy efficient than just putting the AC unit in the driveway and attempting to cool the neighborhood.  So many ways to save energy we've never thought of.  Thanks for the jump start, Cascade!

National Tax Experts: COVID-19 is DEFINITELY an Opportunity...but for what?

Were you annoyed with paying taxes, because it reduced the money you had left over from your paycheck you had to spend on things you wanted?  In other words, were you sick of taxes getting in the way of living the lifestyle you wanted to live?

Are you now tired of "dodging the IRS" which is "hounding you" to pay the taxes you decided you just didn't wanna pay even though you knew those taxes represented your contribution to the society you live in and whose benefits you enjoy?

Are you willing to believe absolutely anything?  I mean, including a pitch that the COVID-19 emergency could be connected to a Get Out of Your Responsibilities Free card when it comes to paying your taxes? 

If all of the above is true, LISTEN TO THIS!......

"The Corona Virus has forced the government to take extensive actions (well, maybe- not extensive enough, and way too late) that might make this the most Opportunistic Time (well, that's a refreshingly honest way to put it) to Restructure or Resolve your tax debt."  And take a look at this pretty young couple, totally befuddled at the tax bills that Came Out of Nowhere just like that dog that ate her homework once, or that car that jumped in front of his in the parking lot when he was standing perfectly still while very safely trying to update his Facebook account.  They sure look like Innocent Victims, just like those Other Times. 

"You may have heard that there were tax filing extensions put into place as a response to COVID-19.  We hope that you allow us to make a nonexistent connection between actual tax filing extensions and 'aggressive new programs' that will allow you to restructure or even eliminate your tax debt.  You know, like you allow other companies to make the invisible connection between Medicare and Medicare Insurance Cards pitched by Joe Namath.  You're really good at hearing what you want to hear, after all."

"Act now before it's too late, because we all know that once this current Emergency lifts we'll be right back to pointing out entirely generic 'troubled times' in these ads and we won't be able to use a specific, actual Emergency anymore.  But let's be real- we're going to be able to milk this thing for years.  That's why we used COVID-19 and Opportunistic in the same sentence, after all."

Air Police 4 Layer Masks- Because, Again, Yay Capitalism!

Yes, America is "coming back stronger than ever" - just check out the Stock  Market, where the one percent are taking advantage of the bargains created when people who feared losing their jobs or were already retired and living off dividends panicked and sold out their 401(ks!)  Better yet, just look at the sea of pretty flags!

Let's just dissect this latest example of crass opportunism run amok:

1.  These are advertised as "non-medical face masks."  In other words, they aren't for keeping you isolated from COVID-19.  They are for allowing you to enter stores and ride public transportation.  And if that's all you want masks for, you can cut up a sock or wrap a scarf around your face and accomplish the same thing.

2.  They are "in stock now and ready to ship"- from where?  Shut up, that's where!  I mean, don't these people pulling pallets of boxes look American to you?  That should be good enough!  Plus we showed you those flags before!

3.  They have FOUR LAYERS of paper, not the usual (?) three.  Does this mean anything, considering we've already been told they are "non-medical?"  Do we need to show you those flags again?

4.  Something about an "amazing electrostatic charge."  Seriously, is this an SNL skit?  Does this thing come with batteries?  What is the utility of an "electrostatic charge" when it comes to protection?  I don't get it, and I don't think we are supposed to get it- I'm pretty sure this line is in the commercial to distract us that these masks don't contain any therapeutic copper.

5.  They cover your "entire nose and face..." um, like every other mask?  Oh, and they won't fog your glasses- which is basically taking something negative about the product (it's thin) and tries to spin it into something positive (therefore, your breath effortlessly flows through the mask.)  Unlike those stupid medical masks with filters and such.  So much better!

6.  It's design provides an "extra layer of protection"-- um, what do you mean "extra?"  Why do I suspect that when you open your package of Air Police masks, the first thing you see is a disclaimer urging you to wear an actual mask underneath it?  Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

7.  They are "one size fits all."  Which means, they come in one size.  Again, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

8.  Here's a guy pretending to be a cop talking about being "on the front lines every day."  He isn't wearing a mask.  I don't know why he's in this ad.

9.  "Remember, other masks have only three layers of protection and are made in China.  Air Police 4 has four layers and ships directly to your door...."  Did you catch that little sleight of hand?  Were we told where Air Police 4 masks were made?  No, we were not.  But I bet a whole lot of listeners got the impression that they are NOT made in China.  BTW, aren't masks made in China also shipped directly to our door?  Shut up and look at the flags again!

10.  ".....from our USA Based Company...." wow, seriously?  So wherever Air Police 4 masks are made, they are shipped FROM a USA Based Company.  Are they made in the USA?  I think the answer is pretty obviously NO, because if they were, that fact would be trumpeted loudly, not sort-of-implied using weasel words that say no such thing.

11.  One more thing, though the commercial cuts off before we can get to it and I had to find this by doing a little research- we are told that these masks can cost "as little as 99 cents per unit."  But to get that price, you have to buy A HUNDRED OF THEM.  If you buy ten, they are $1.99 each.  If you buy forty, they are $1.49 each.  For paper masks which offer no proven protection but will allow you to go into stores and ride public transportation. 

Man, I miss commercials for overpriced sunglasses and solar-powered security lights and portable "air conditioners."  But considering that America is On Its Way Back to spiking death rates due to premature reopening, I'd say we are in for a lot more ads like this before this Terrible No-Good Very Bad Year is over.