What's a "California Psychic," anyway?

"I'm very conflicted....and skeptical...." and Stupid.  Don't forget Stupid.  This doesn't work without Stupid.

"they can't be for real, can they?"  No, they can't.  Not going to stop you from pulling out that credit card and giving it to a total stranger bleating generalities at you over the phone, is it?

We asked these skeptics about California Psychics, and here's what that had to say!  (It helps that neither they nor our tv audience knows what the word "skeptic" means!)

"You know, it was probably the best psychic reading I ever had!"  And I'm sure that was a really, really high bar to get over.  Pretty depressing to think that this woman has thrown enough money at "psychics" to have a rating system in place.

"I got everything I could imagine from my reading..." wow, if you are impressed by unfalsifiable claims, there's a doozy for you. 

"She told me all this stuff, and I thought 'how could she possibly know that?'"  Umm, what kind of "stuff?"  That you are susceptible to believing medieval BS (especially medieval BS that places you in a good light) bleated at you by a total stranger on the phone?  Honey, California Psychics figured that out about you before they even answered your call. 

You can speak to a "California Psychic right now for "only $1 a minute" (I absolutely promise you that the unreadable text under this announcement includes the words "minimum charge.")  And if it's "not the best psychic reading you've ever had, it's FREE" (but it will be the best psychic reading you have- your aura will tell the reader so.  If you don't agree, it's because you aren't In A Good Place with your aura.  California Psychics can help you with that, too- just stay on the line.  One dollar per minute.

"I wasn't sure about the relationship I was in but now I know he was the right one."  Because the person on the other end of the phone knows that 99.99 percent of the women who call asking relationship questions want to be told that the time and emotion they put into their current relationship hasn't been wasted and he Really Is the Right Person.  Only the tiniest fraction want to hear "dump him," because that means starting all over again and that's a lot harder than just sticking it out.  Being told that your doubts should be set aside and you should just Go For It- whether its in maintaining a relationship with a certain guy or calling California Psychics- is just good business.  I do wish someone could call the guys and let them know they are dating loons who are really dumb with their credit cards, though.

Chantix will cure you of your desire to quit smoking

Seriously, the list of possible side effects from a drug that is supposed to help the patient quit smoking is downright....ummm....Depressing...

Not much more to say about this ad, which does a great job reminding people that there are Fates Worse than Cancer.  You CAN take this medication to help you quit smoking....but I don't know....you SURE you want to give up on those Nicotine Patches, chewing gum, and occasional overeating just yet?

FedEx, Chewy.com, and Overbearing Suburban Entitlement

Not really a commercial, but I'm going to comment on this video anyway:

I think this is what we are supposed to get out of this video is that

1.  The FedEx driver was not quite gentle enough with the packages from Chewy.com- packages which almost certainly carried nothing but dog food and toys built to be played with by DOGS. 

2.  The FedEx driver didn't lay down a soft mat on the doorstep before carefully placing the obviously not-at-all-breakable precious Dog Crap down in front of the palatial suburban mansion.

3.  The FedEx driver "doesn't care about his job that much" (an actual quote from the original poster of this video.)  Because he didn't spent ten minutes putting the packages down, but did it quickly so he could move on to the next Entitled Brat Homeowner.

4.  The person who posted this was so outraged that the FedEx Driver treated her like Just Another Customer (which- gasp!-she is) she felt it necessary to attempt to shame him on YouTube.  Accomplishing nothing but letting everyone know that she's a spoiled rotten little suburban princess drowning in her own Entitlement.  My guess is that all her neighbors knew this already, but now the world does, too.

Geico ads exist primarily to remind me that I'm out of the loop, I guess

1.  I'm supposed to know who Special Guest Star in this commercial is, I guess.  I don't.  Never seen him, never heard of him.  I'm not apologizing. 

2.  At the same time....am I REALLY supposed to know who he is?  After all, the idiot brushing his teeth clunkily tells us who he is, as if there's an audience in his house.  And he acts as if he's honored that this guy has appeared just outside his bathroom, uttering his name in an awed, hushed tone, whereas in real life I do NOT recommend that big black guys suddenly materialize outside the bathrooms of white men.

3.  The Not-as-Surprised-as-you'd-think white guy is brushing his teeth while staring at his cell phone.  Sigh....well, I guess this is realistic, but for the purposes of the commercial, there's no reason why he couldn't be just brushing his teeth like he's not completely addicted to that phone.  I don't look at my phone while I'm brushing my teeth, but I don't stare at it constantly as I cook or clean or eat dinner with friends, so I realize I'm an outlier here.

4.  What the hell is with this guy's house?  Judging from that corridor (it has a CORRIDOR) the Apparently Very Famous Motivational Speaker has to walk down to exit, that house is....well, actually, a typical Television House, actually. 

Downey Presents: What should have been this guy's utter fail

1.  What kind of idiot wears a shirt like that on a first date?  He was so unconcerned about making a good impression that he couldn't pick out a decent shirt to wear?  That's not a "first date shirt."  More like a "married for ten years with three kids, you got a ring, you've bought in, I don't give a damn anymore" shirt....

2.  So this guy's solution to making a poor impression on the first date for wearing a ragged t-shirt is to use Downey to be sure that his Date T Shirts are in good shape from now on?  Hey, buddy- it's not just that you wore a ragged t-shirt.  It's that you wore a freaking t shirt at all on a first date to a nice-looking restaurant.  Want to wear a t-shirt on a first date?  Take her to a carnival, or a picnic, or just a walk through the park.  Better yet, get over this "t shirt on a first date" bit and expand your freaking wardrobe.

3.  This guy got another date.  Never mind, I give up.  I don't understand people at all. 

We're all in this Together. So why don't more of you subscribe to my crappy blog, you haters!?

We all have a Responsibility to keep the engine of Capitalism humming along.  Every restaurant, car company, airline, and online streaming service is counting on us to keep contributing our hard-earned money to keeping them afloat during These Tough TimesTM.  We (corporations) can't get through this without You (customers.)

It's all about Community (corporations and customers.)  Businesses have always been there for Us, working hard 24/7 to convince the public to open wallets and empty them in exchange for Stuff.  Now it's time for Us to step up and help those Businesses by....um, well, continuing to open up our wallets and give them money in exchange for Stuff. 

We know that the proles- um, Community- don't have as much money as they did.  But that doesn't really matter, because the Market can't live without that money.  So just sacrifice a little more by....umm, buying.  It's good for you, it's even more good for Business, and it's what Americans do when America is in trouble because America.

Don't love your country?  Then stop consuming, you selfish awful traitors.  Let the terrorists win.  Love your country?  Well, it's kind of hard to tell when you haven't ordered from GrubHub for more than 12 hours.  Seeing is Believing.  Get that credit card out.  Capital One is THERE for you.  And when this is all over, Credit Repair will be there for you.  There's always someone there for you.  So relax.  And spend.  Don't worry- whatever you buy, we'll make more of it.  Like I said, we're always there for you.  And we'll always be there for you. 

(A profound and sincere thanks to the people who put together this wonderful compilation of twee garbage ads.  Just perfect.)

Not sure what to do with this Folger's Throwback

I hadn't heard the familiar Folger's jingle for years- maybe its not a universal throwback, but it is to me. 

Nothing else about this commercial is familiar, however.  As near as I can tell, this woman intended to surprise her husband in the shower, but her father-in-law was in there instead (with another guy who was in there fully, dressed, singing.  This got really weird, really fast.)   So I guess she forgot her father-in-law was visiting?  Or he regularly comes over to his house for a shower?  Or he lives with her and her husband now?  And brought someone to help him clean himself in the shower?

Considering that for the rest of the ad, the father-in-law walks around wearing a towel but still just as soapy as he was when discovered in the shower, I have to figure Father in Law Steve has been moved in for his own good, and isn't All There by any measure.  And that guy in the shower with him is an employee of some local home health agency who shows up every morning to make sure Steve gets out of bed and cleaned up.

Whatever, this poor woman has problems that are not going to be solved by crappy canned coffee.  If her Father in Law has moved in for the long term, she's going to have to start making some serious demands of her husband- like, good fresh, ground coffee that doesn't come in a can.  And maybe an addition to the house that includes a private bath off the master bedroom.  If Father in Law is just....there, we really need an explanation as to why he felt compelled to take a shower in her house, and why her interrupting that shower resulted in him apparently decided that he wasn't going to get rinsed off, let alone dressed, for the rest of the day.