The Commercial Curmudgeon

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Community Tax Relief for people who don't want to pay for that Community

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/0fsiutayjLM

"Do you owe over $10,000 in taxes to the IRS or State?" No, I don't owe one penny to the IRS or State. But what I owed $1000, or $9999? Am I out of luck as far as you are concerned? Would you advise me to keep being a scofflaw until I hit that magic $10,000 mark? What if I didn't owe $10,000 in taxes but I DID owe $10,000 in credit card debt? Would you connect me to another 'service?' What is it about that $10,000 figure, anyway?

"Have you been threatened with levies or garnishments?" If I were a typical customer of your 'service,' I would not even know what those words meant, but they would sound really scary, something Hillary Clinton came up with when she wasn't hiding her emails.

"The IRS has the power to seize your assets, freeze your bank account, and even take your paycheck!" Let me try to explain this to you, and not for the first time. When you don't pay your debts, your assets are not "your" assets. When you owe someone- anyone-money, every penny you spend instead of paying back that debt is money stolen from your creditor. So everything you buy with that money represents an act of theft. If you don't pay your taxes, but buy a house instead, that house was purchased with stolen money. This really isn't all that complicated. If the IRS has the right to take that house you purchased with money you were supposed to pay in taxes, it's because that house represents the money YOU OWED THE IRS. The IRS would rather have the money, but it can't get that money because YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH IT.

Again. This is NOT complicated.

The rest of this awfulness is just a pitch for one particular Pay Us to Save you from your Responsibilities as a Citizen company, so I'm going to end my comments with a positive note: at least this one doesn't show us a middle-aged, fat white guy sitting next to an SUV parked in front of a suburban McMansion and swimming pool laughing with relief into a phone as he's being told that he won't have to adjust his Lifestyle because he's a hard-working American who just didn't pay his taxes.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Oh Snap! Cheez-Its ad gets a big thumbs-up for honesty

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/cf5XrlSTQOs

I'm amazed at how realistic this ad probably is. I wouldn't be surprised if something like this has actually happened in a lab somewhere.

For decades, snack companies like Nabisco, Hostess, etc. have actually employed scientists to assist in the manufacture of garbage "food" with exactly the right levels of salt, sugar and fat to trigger just the right brain chemistry and achieve what I've heard referred to as a "bliss point," or a momentary brain state very similar to that achieved while consuming heroin. They've invested millions on finding just the right textures and even SOUNDS that will appeal to the most human mouths and ears. And they've practically perfected the art of engineering flavors that last JUST long enough to make the consumer reach for another- and another- and another- to keep that taste going rather than suffer an emotional letdown. Never mind finding a cure for Covid or Cancer- food addiction is where the REAL money is.

None of this was a particularly well-guarded secret before the internet- The New York Times and The New Yorker published rather large essays regarding the engineering of addictive foods as far back as the 1970s. But I had never seen a snack food company actually celebrate the ability to rewire their customers' brain chemistry to the point where people could go insane for their product. It's especially strange that this comes out while America is falling deeper into a national health crisis (no, not Covid. Obesity.) Not just honest. In Your Face, What Are You Going To Do About It? honest.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

FarmersOnly.com is, apparently, a real thing

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/GEiBb1iWnQU

"I'm looking for someone to step out of a Country Music Album Cover/CMT Video/Hallmark Channel Movie and join me in a life of hard work in a dying industry we have almost zero chance of actually sustaining beyond this decade. In other words, I'm looking for a person as trapped in a romanticized, pickup-truck drivin', pigs-sloppin', stump-pullin', bonfire-sittin'-around fantasy as I am.

So pull on your Daisy Dukes and leather boots, get out your iPhone, and let's connect by the bonfire 'cause that's what farmers who want to meet other farmers do when they aren't begging for government subsidies to keep the Family Farm in the Family despite the fact that we stopped even trying to compete with Agribusiness back when Grampa ran this place in the 70s...I guess.

And while we're sittin' by the bonfire strummin' our guitars, we can think about how maybe after I go back to school and get that degree in engineerin' and you get your teacher's degree, maybe we can hold on to that Family Farm and have dogs and maybe a few chickens to wander around and allow us to keep up the facade at least for a little while longer. I'm for sure keepin' my pickup and pullin' a stump now and then, 'cause Grampa would've wanted it that way."

Saturday, August 8, 2020

I'm going to keep beating up on CreditRepair.com!

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/kePPXJhCKEw

1. "Check:" Yes, Creditrepair.com will look over your credit report. This is a service they provide once you've hired them. Heck, they might even do this part for free. After all, it certainly doesn't cost them anything and you have to give them valuable information to let them do it, so why not?

2. "Challenge." This is something else you can do, though for 99.99% of this company's targeted suckers--errr, customers- its' going to turn out to be a pretty pointless exercise.

"It says here you made 6 late payments on your utility bill. Is that true?" Um, yes.

"It says here you took out a Title Loan in 2013 and lost your car, is that true?" Um, yes.

"It says here that every stick of furniture in your house has a Rent-A-Center label on it, is that true?" What are you trying to say? Just come out with it!

3. "Change." Ah, here's the part that actually requires work, and the step that makes companies like Creditrepair.com seem so appealing. Steps 1 and 2 take a few moments. Step 3 in most cases takes many years and something the customers lack even more than money- PATIENCE.

You see, the thing is, if the damaging items on your credit report are legitimate, there's NOTHING you or ANYBODY ELSE can do to remove them. They are there to warm potential creditors that you are not a good risk (or, put more delicately, not the optimal customer for creditors to be dealing with.) If legitimate, those damaging items are information that creditors have a right to because it protects them from bad risks. It's really as simple as that.

Here's how you IMPROVE your credit score: pay all your bills on time, every time, for years. Only borrow when you MUST, and pay back that money as quickly as possible. Build credit, then use it sparingly. Complaining that your credit reputation is hurting your ability to borrow money is kind of pointless. Giving someone money to quickly "fix" something that can only be repaired by YOU over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME isn't pointless, it's STUPID and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. You NEED that money you want to turn over to companies like this to....you know...REPAIR YOUR CREDIT.

Thursday, August 6, 2020

Creditrepair.com- all it takes is a phone call?

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/j2BTAtXzycU

"I bought lots of stuff, figuring that I'd always be able to pay my bills, then my hours got cut back and I couldn't pay for the stuff I bought or pay back the money I borrowed on time, as promised."

"This only became a problem when I decided I wanted to buy a house, and found that my credit score is really low because I borrowed money to buy stuff and didn't pay it back on the schedule I was supposed to. It was so unfair- I broke contracts and suddenly I had this reputation as someone who breaks contracts, and couldn't find someone to give me another contract."

"So I called Creditrepair.com and had what I'll just call 'a good conversation' with the total stranger on the other end of the phone who wanted to sell me a service so was really nice. And then the bad items on my credit score began to disappear. That's all I'm going to say- I'm not going to mention how they got rid of Legitimate dings on my credit score, or how much I paid Creditrepair.com to get rid of them. Just that I had a 'good conversation,' implying that Creditrepair.com just felt sorry for me and fixed it for free or something."

"Anyway, thanks to Creditrepair.com, I'm closer now to getting someone else to lend me money at a decent interest rate, even though that car industry I worked for and blamed for all my problems hasn't come back or anything and I'm actually no more a good credit risk than I was back then."

Monday, August 3, 2020

Freshly solves another #firstworldproblem

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/I6AEOxUc1ME

1. In the real world, regular shipments of "chef-prepared" meals doesn't mean "we don't have to cook anymore" unless you are already in the one percent and probably had someone cooking all your meals already. More like "we can fire Rosa, we don't have to pay her to cook for us anymore!"

2. This lobotomized twit takes so long to read a few words on the back of her box of 21st Century TV Dinners for Rich People I find it hard to believe she ever managed anything beyond boiling water in the first place.

3. Setting aside No. 1 for a moment, who is the "we" who doesn't have to cook anymore because they can afford to buy pre-packaged, pre-cooked "chef-prepared" meals? And why did two people who both loathe the idea of cooking get together in the first place? Oh, right- because they knew they could use their money to avoid that horrible chore they both equally dread....

4. Let's be honest. What Freshly really means is "guys, you don't have to include 'must be able to cook' in your Trophy Wife Ad anymore." Now you can cut to the chase- "must be young, hot, and fertile. No cooking skills necessary."

Of course, to the person who answers that ad it also means "keep working that Peloton bike, keep using that face cream, and keep up with the kids, because your skills in the kitchen have just been devalued. In other words, you are more replaceable than ever."

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Febreze Presents: the Vacant Contentment of the Suburban Housewife

Original Commercial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biI2fw8x_Mg

Everything that once made this woman an individual human being with hopes, dreams, ambitions, personality, etc. died so long ago that nobody can remember what she was like back then, no matter how many times they look at home videos or scroll through the High School Yearbook.

What is left behind is this vacant, standard-issue-pretty zombie taking in her surroundings in her standard-issue suburban home, which include her stand-issue-pretty children, furniture, and Pet. She's got a cell phone in her hand because she's an American, but she's not using it because she has nobody to call or otherwise be in contact with. Completely deprived of stimulation, she's settled into a near-comatose state that she'll come out of just in time to get dinner ready for the Lord of the Manor.

She doesn't notice odors for the same reason she doesn't notice much of anything else- because her senses have gone the way of everything else that once made her a Person, replaced by this soulless vessel for Making Children and Maintaining a House and being Mrs Somebody Else. Not that her standard-issue Equally Vacant children are much better, sitting on rug doing standard-issue children things that don't bother lobotomized mommy as she just sit there with her contented I'm a Successful American Woman Because I Got Rid of my Last Name and Everything Else that Made me Me When I Was Younger look on her face.

Oh, and why worry about going "noseblind?" Because occasionally, she'll be visited by other Stepford Wives who still have at least one functioning sense left in their empty heads, and she wouldn't want to be judged for anything beyond the size of the house and the SUV parked in the driveway.