The Commercial Curmudgeon

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Dennis Haysbert and Allstate, Happily Ever After?

Original Commercial here: https://ispot.tv/a/nVlf

Dennis Haysbert is an actual actor who has appeared in more than fifty theater-released films and at least as many television programs over the course of a forty-year career. He's done theater work and runs his own production company. But when he walks into a hamburger place he's "that guy" who says "that thing" in idiotic insurance commercials. Might as well be a CGI goose or lizard.

I'm reminded of Michael Caine's reply to the question "did you ever actually see 'Jaws 3-D?'" Caine famously shot back "no, but I've seen the house it bought. It's great."

Hope the money makes it all worthwhile, Mr. Haysbert.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

More Not Available in Stores Fun: Lava Lunch

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/pMOwaNmguxI

1. The woman packing the lunches looks completely dead inside even AFTER she's using Lava Lunch Microwavable Heat Packs. Clearly microwaving hot chemicals and then using them to keep someone else's lunch hot isn't making her life worth living. More likely Lava Lunch Chemical Bricks make her life all that much worse, because now instead of a cold sandwich and a bag of chips or veggies, those kids and hubby are going to expect a freaking full meal in that lunchbox every. Single. Day. Or, at least, until whatever chemicals are retaining heat for "up to five hours" that are contained in these Direct from China portable toxic waste packets leach into that food you prepared and she finds herself starting a new life on her own.

2. Are microwaves just not a thing anymore? Ok, I guess maybe if you're a construction worker on the 15th floor of a building skeleton, or a police officer, it might be nice to be able to keep food hot for five hours....but don't most people have access to microwave ovens at their place of work?

3. Seriously, is it really so hard to just eat a light lunch consisting of a sandwich, a few pieces of chopped vegetables, a cup of yogurt, maybe some fruit? I wouldn't want to eat a hot meal in the middle of the day; I think I'd pass out by mid-afternoon. I mean, what the heck?

Friday, August 21, 2020

Prevagen: everything that is wrong about advertising in the United States

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/INEG50zFrRU

At no time in this commercial will you hear three things you ALWAYS here in ads for actual, FDA-approved medication:

1. How it's supposed to work

2. Possible side effects

3. Encouragement to Ask your Doctor about the product.

The reason why you won't hear any of those things is because Prevagen is not medication. It's a dietary supplement. Therefore,

1. There's no science behind why it may or may not work

2. There are no side effects, because there are no effects at all

3. Your doctor is a paid huckster for Big Pharma, so no point in asking HIM about it. He'll just call it Woo or Snake Oil like all closed-minded sheep do.

Instead, you get to spend a minute and a half listening to two nice old people chat about how they met, what they like to do, and how they seem to be getting benefits from this stuff that's sold not in the medicine but in the nutrition aisle of their local Giant Food Store. There are no false claims here- just thought you'd like to hear about how two nice old people take these pills and think they work to improve memory. That this stuff is sold in a bottle which SURE LOOKS LIKE PHARMACY-ISSUED MEDICATION is purely incidental. That these nice old people are talking about memory improvement while also mentioning Prevagen is ALSO purely incidental. No actual claims, no science, no problem.

This is why there was a GNC in every mall back when there were malls- because it's just way too easy to sell junk in bottles as long as it's labeled Supplement and includes a little disclaimer about the FDA not backing up any of the claims of the seller. This isn't harmless when you consider how many people avoid actual medical advice because they think they can just fix problems like failing memory with something sitting on the shelf next to the Green Tea Fat Burners and Copper bracelets. But it's perfectly legal because Hey USA and Hey Capitalism.

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Taco Bell celebrates being a big part of the problem

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/vNuw7_hpW44

I've been forced to endure this commercial more times than I care to count. I don't get it, and I don't care that I don't get it.

Taco Bell is selling "double-stuffed" tacos for $1 each because Americans can not get enough of deceptively expensive non-food crap designed to taste and feel good in your mouth and leave you hungry again within a few hours. These things are 310 to 350 calories each and would consist of a full day's requirement of fat and salt if we actually had "daily requirements" of fat and salt we had to make sure we got and didn't consume accidentally just by eating actual Food. And at $1 each you know NOBODY is going to buy just one.

Know why Segways failed to catch on? You have to stand up while using them. Meanwhile those motorized scooters are still being manufactured and sold because Americans believe being "body positive" means eating your way into a disability, one Stuffed Taco at a time.

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Community Tax Relief for people who don't want to pay for that Community

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/0fsiutayjLM

"Do you owe over $10,000 in taxes to the IRS or State?" No, I don't owe one penny to the IRS or State. But what I owed $1000, or $9999? Am I out of luck as far as you are concerned? Would you advise me to keep being a scofflaw until I hit that magic $10,000 mark? What if I didn't owe $10,000 in taxes but I DID owe $10,000 in credit card debt? Would you connect me to another 'service?' What is it about that $10,000 figure, anyway?

"Have you been threatened with levies or garnishments?" If I were a typical customer of your 'service,' I would not even know what those words meant, but they would sound really scary, something Hillary Clinton came up with when she wasn't hiding her emails.

"The IRS has the power to seize your assets, freeze your bank account, and even take your paycheck!" Let me try to explain this to you, and not for the first time. When you don't pay your debts, your assets are not "your" assets. When you owe someone- anyone-money, every penny you spend instead of paying back that debt is money stolen from your creditor. So everything you buy with that money represents an act of theft. If you don't pay your taxes, but buy a house instead, that house was purchased with stolen money. This really isn't all that complicated. If the IRS has the right to take that house you purchased with money you were supposed to pay in taxes, it's because that house represents the money YOU OWED THE IRS. The IRS would rather have the money, but it can't get that money because YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH IT.

Again. This is NOT complicated.

The rest of this awfulness is just a pitch for one particular Pay Us to Save you from your Responsibilities as a Citizen company, so I'm going to end my comments with a positive note: at least this one doesn't show us a middle-aged, fat white guy sitting next to an SUV parked in front of a suburban McMansion and swimming pool laughing with relief into a phone as he's being told that he won't have to adjust his Lifestyle because he's a hard-working American who just didn't pay his taxes.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Oh Snap! Cheez-Its ad gets a big thumbs-up for honesty

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/cf5XrlSTQOs

I'm amazed at how realistic this ad probably is. I wouldn't be surprised if something like this has actually happened in a lab somewhere.

For decades, snack companies like Nabisco, Hostess, etc. have actually employed scientists to assist in the manufacture of garbage "food" with exactly the right levels of salt, sugar and fat to trigger just the right brain chemistry and achieve what I've heard referred to as a "bliss point," or a momentary brain state very similar to that achieved while consuming heroin. They've invested millions on finding just the right textures and even SOUNDS that will appeal to the most human mouths and ears. And they've practically perfected the art of engineering flavors that last JUST long enough to make the consumer reach for another- and another- and another- to keep that taste going rather than suffer an emotional letdown. Never mind finding a cure for Covid or Cancer- food addiction is where the REAL money is.

None of this was a particularly well-guarded secret before the internet- The New York Times and The New Yorker published rather large essays regarding the engineering of addictive foods as far back as the 1970s. But I had never seen a snack food company actually celebrate the ability to rewire their customers' brain chemistry to the point where people could go insane for their product. It's especially strange that this comes out while America is falling deeper into a national health crisis (no, not Covid. Obesity.) Not just honest. In Your Face, What Are You Going To Do About It? honest.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

FarmersOnly.com is, apparently, a real thing

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/GEiBb1iWnQU

"I'm looking for someone to step out of a Country Music Album Cover/CMT Video/Hallmark Channel Movie and join me in a life of hard work in a dying industry we have almost zero chance of actually sustaining beyond this decade. In other words, I'm looking for a person as trapped in a romanticized, pickup-truck drivin', pigs-sloppin', stump-pullin', bonfire-sittin'-around fantasy as I am.

So pull on your Daisy Dukes and leather boots, get out your iPhone, and let's connect by the bonfire 'cause that's what farmers who want to meet other farmers do when they aren't begging for government subsidies to keep the Family Farm in the Family despite the fact that we stopped even trying to compete with Agribusiness back when Grampa ran this place in the 70s...I guess.

And while we're sittin' by the bonfire strummin' our guitars, we can think about how maybe after I go back to school and get that degree in engineerin' and you get your teacher's degree, maybe we can hold on to that Family Farm and have dogs and maybe a few chickens to wander around and allow us to keep up the facade at least for a little while longer. I'm for sure keepin' my pickup and pullin' a stump now and then, 'cause Grampa would've wanted it that way."