The Commercial Curmudgeon

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Probably my favorite As Seen on TV piece of nothing- the "HD Antenna"

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/micrHBNFfGo

Tired of massive cable bills? The average American spends more than two million dollars a year just for access to television signals! And what if you HAVE cable and you want to set up a second TV in another room? Well, you COULD spend $10-$15 million on a contractor to rip down a wall, set up a cell tower, or have the Evil Cable Company come and install a new box- and then you're right back to THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY just for the pleasure of watching Your Favorite ChannelsTM.

Instead, for just $10 plus Shipping and Handling, we can send you a flat piece of metal and plastic which is basically just a fancy-looking coat hanger to plug into the back of your tv. That's it! You pay for it ONCE, and you're DONE- doesn't that sound better than two million dollars a year for cable? Just plug on this coat hanger---err, HD TV Antenna, and you'll get ALL your favorite channels (assuming that your favorite channels are the local ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX affiliates, Retro, Grit, JumpTV and any number of networks featuring nothing but Spanish-language soap operas.) All in GLORIOUS HD (assuming you actually own an HDTV, of course.)

Now you can watch the Big Game on TV. You can also watch the pre-game show before the Big Game. You can watch the stuff on before the pre-game show that has nothing to do with the Big Game. You can just watch tv whenever you want is what we're saying.

Just check out this awesome commercial chock-full of photo-shopped images of people magically getting crystal-clear HD pictures on their TVs. Wouldn't you want to be one of them? Order Today- or save even more money by attaching a coat hanger, key ring, or pretty much anything else metal to the back of your tv. But don't do that. Just send me your money and I'll send you a piece of pointless junk that comes with a bucketful of nonsense claims, ok?

Saturday, August 29, 2020

Lilly, AT&T and pretty much the opposite of complicated

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/8JfArM3UXEg

Lilly's job now includes hauling obscenely huge promotional materials around a random AT&T store and yelling "information" at random idiots who don't seem to get that as long as they are wearing a mask anyway they might as well just come into the damn store like a sane person (unless the store is not open yet, in which case- just wait till the damn store opens, you entitled jackass!)

Lilly yells at this guy that yes, that enormous 5G prop means that AT&T is offering service using...um, well, 5G. That's super-impressive to the guy even BEFORE he confirms that this means a faster connection. Hey, I guess the huge props do work even before people know what they refer to. Back in my Video Rental Store days, I'd spend hours sometimes putting together three-dimensional props advertising new releases (I vividly remember how complicated the An American Tail prop was, and how the Throw Momma From the Train prop allowed passer-bys to hear Owen's mom bleat "Owen loves his momma" by pushing a button. We were so happy when it was time to take THAT one down...) Thing is, those props actually told people what was on sale. This just says 5G which, the commercial admits, actually tells the customer absolutely NOTHING.

No, this isn't "complicated." It's just a service upgrade which is all the rage at the moment (including among the crowd that thinks 5G is responsible for COVID, Autism and BLM) but will be snickered at as ancient tech next year. But as of late August 2020 this all looks pretty great and you should probably just walk in and sign up because after all you've got a mask on and if Lilly's anything like me she's only talking to you because the store is open (when I worked in Video Rental, I was 100 percent deaf until it was time to open the door, sorry.)

Friday, August 28, 2020

Another TDAmeritrade "pay us to kiss your butt" commercial

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/EyTx4PWiXJY

Apparently this guy booked a meeting with his financial advisor because he's confused about why he needs a financial advisor, considering that he's decided that he never wants to retire.

Either that, or he just wanted an audience for the I've Had an Amazing Life I'm Basically Horatio Alger story that nobody who isn't paid to hear it wants to sit through again.

This "meeting" is over in about three minutes, except that it's in this financial advisor's best interest to politely listen to his client explain why he doesn't really need to set aside money for retirement as he has no intention of ever retiring while simultaneously convincing him to keep shoveling money into that fund Because Reasons.

Thursday, August 27, 2020

Care.com's bizarre "Am I Cute" ad

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/L3ggCi9eAr0

1. "Am I cute?"^ Right up to the moment you opened your mouth, maybe. Then "cute" went out the window, replaced by "cloying," "insufferable," "cliche'd," etc. Hey, Mom of this child? Congratulations on getting your kid into the world of Kid Actors. Now please get her out and allow her to have a life.

2. "I mean, look at these dimples." I would, if there were any. The person who told you to say that doesn't know what dimples are- apparently, he thinks it means "child cheeks"- or figures the audience doesn't know what dimples are.

3. "Look at mom and dad over there, cleaning on a Saturday instead of playing with me." You mean, cleaning that big suburban home they chose to purchase. A home that 99 percent of the population of the planet would die for. Oh, and "Saturday," as in "Weekend?" A totally bizarre concept for billions of people who labor seven days a week for food and shelter. Your parents are keeping their Western Palace clean. #firstworldprobs.

4. The "solution" to this kid's "problem (which is that her parents are not paying enough attention to her on a Saturday)? Hire someone who DOESN'T live in a suburban McMansion or make six figures to clean their palace so the owners don't have to. Someone who very likely has children of her own who will wonder why THEIR parent isn't around to play with them on Saturdays. Those kids don't count, of course, because they aren't as white as this kid, plus they probably don't even have dimples.

*for a moment, I thought this might be an ad for a kid seeking child care and was thoroughly creeped out. Seriously, kids, do NOT advertise for babysitting services by asking prospective employees to comment on your "cuteness." And anyway, what is this kid saying- her parents should be free to play with her because she's CUTE? Does she feel rejected because she isn't good-looking enough to play with? So much unsettling weird here.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Dennis Haysbert and Allstate, Happily Ever After?

Original Commercial here: https://ispot.tv/a/nVlf

Dennis Haysbert is an actual actor who has appeared in more than fifty theater-released films and at least as many television programs over the course of a forty-year career. He's done theater work and runs his own production company. But when he walks into a hamburger place he's "that guy" who says "that thing" in idiotic insurance commercials. Might as well be a CGI goose or lizard.

I'm reminded of Michael Caine's reply to the question "did you ever actually see 'Jaws 3-D?'" Caine famously shot back "no, but I've seen the house it bought. It's great."

Hope the money makes it all worthwhile, Mr. Haysbert.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

More Not Available in Stores Fun: Lava Lunch

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/pMOwaNmguxI

1. The woman packing the lunches looks completely dead inside even AFTER she's using Lava Lunch Microwavable Heat Packs. Clearly microwaving hot chemicals and then using them to keep someone else's lunch hot isn't making her life worth living. More likely Lava Lunch Chemical Bricks make her life all that much worse, because now instead of a cold sandwich and a bag of chips or veggies, those kids and hubby are going to expect a freaking full meal in that lunchbox every. Single. Day. Or, at least, until whatever chemicals are retaining heat for "up to five hours" that are contained in these Direct from China portable toxic waste packets leach into that food you prepared and she finds herself starting a new life on her own.

2. Are microwaves just not a thing anymore? Ok, I guess maybe if you're a construction worker on the 15th floor of a building skeleton, or a police officer, it might be nice to be able to keep food hot for five hours....but don't most people have access to microwave ovens at their place of work?

3. Seriously, is it really so hard to just eat a light lunch consisting of a sandwich, a few pieces of chopped vegetables, a cup of yogurt, maybe some fruit? I wouldn't want to eat a hot meal in the middle of the day; I think I'd pass out by mid-afternoon. I mean, what the heck?

Friday, August 21, 2020

Prevagen: everything that is wrong about advertising in the United States

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/INEG50zFrRU

At no time in this commercial will you hear three things you ALWAYS here in ads for actual, FDA-approved medication:

1. How it's supposed to work

2. Possible side effects

3. Encouragement to Ask your Doctor about the product.

The reason why you won't hear any of those things is because Prevagen is not medication. It's a dietary supplement. Therefore,

1. There's no science behind why it may or may not work

2. There are no side effects, because there are no effects at all

3. Your doctor is a paid huckster for Big Pharma, so no point in asking HIM about it. He'll just call it Woo or Snake Oil like all closed-minded sheep do.

Instead, you get to spend a minute and a half listening to two nice old people chat about how they met, what they like to do, and how they seem to be getting benefits from this stuff that's sold not in the medicine but in the nutrition aisle of their local Giant Food Store. There are no false claims here- just thought you'd like to hear about how two nice old people take these pills and think they work to improve memory. That this stuff is sold in a bottle which SURE LOOKS LIKE PHARMACY-ISSUED MEDICATION is purely incidental. That these nice old people are talking about memory improvement while also mentioning Prevagen is ALSO purely incidental. No actual claims, no science, no problem.

This is why there was a GNC in every mall back when there were malls- because it's just way too easy to sell junk in bottles as long as it's labeled Supplement and includes a little disclaimer about the FDA not backing up any of the claims of the seller. This isn't harmless when you consider how many people avoid actual medical advice because they think they can just fix problems like failing memory with something sitting on the shelf next to the Green Tea Fat Burners and Copper bracelets. But it's perfectly legal because Hey USA and Hey Capitalism.