The Commercial Curmudgeon

Sunday, September 13, 2020

And if you are Anthony Rizzo, you might even be able to afford one....

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/Da8UWU2FkEc

This "first ever" something-or-other vanity car STARTS at $133,000. So if you play a professional sport- and aren't making your league minimum- you might be able to buy one of these. If you want to let people know you have the money to buy one of these.

You still won't be able to go "zero to sixty in 2.5 awe-inspiring seconds" unless you rent a race track and are willing to risk your six-figure car testing out the honesty of the commercial that hooked you into buying this shiny ego grip. And as near as I can tell, all the regular traffic laws apply so forget about driving 70 MPH through busy city streets just because you saw Anthony Rizzo or some other pro Orb Ball Participant doing it in an ad.

I seriously wonder who these commercials are really aimed at. Are there really a lot of people watching the Bucs-Saints game who have over a hundred thousand dollars burning a hole in their pockets who don't ALREADY own a BMW or Lexus or Audi, or are always on the market for another car even if they do?

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find someone to install a dashboard-mounted SiriusXM radio in my 2010 Honda Accord. I live in a totally different world than these people. But I knew that already.

Saturday, September 12, 2020

It will go great with that VariDesk he doesn't really need either

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/Qb-ScL0TUy4

Hey look everybody, it's the perfect chair for your boss (because let's be real, your company is NOT going to be spending a thousand dollars to make YOU, an employee who actually DOES sit all day in front of a computer, comfortable!)

You are invited to walk past your boss's office every once in a while to admire his X-chair (just don't you even THINK about sitting in it.) Try not to get too irritated at the fact that he's rarely actually IN that chair- or that when he is, he's usually just on a personal call and not actually doing work. And try not to think of your own aching back and how you have to sit in the same old computer desk chair you've been using for going on five years now. You are not the boss!!

Thursday, September 10, 2020

I am really trying to understand this Nissan Sentra ad with Brie Larson

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/WCVUUbcVI9o

So this woman is told by her boss that she's not getting the promotion she thought she was due. Apparently Brie Larson was told ahead of time that this was going to happen because at that moment, Captain Marvel herself shows up and orders The Unpromoted to jump into her Nissan Sentra for a lecture and a very fast tour of the city...

Brie Larson tells this woman that she should "not compromise" on....something or another. Larson demonstrates her "no compromise" attitude by driving dangerously fast through busy, crowded city streets. Seriously, she seems to think that speed limits and stop signs are for Your Mom's Generation (or maybe your grandmother's or, at this point, great-grandmother's. Because, seriously, it's 2020.

Larson spits bumper stickers at her passenger who by now has to wonder what any of this has to do with her failure to attain a promotion, if she is going to be complicit in the accidents Larson is certain to be in or cause with her insane driving, and if Larson is ever going to let her out of the car alive. At the end of the ad Larson drops her off right where she left her, leaving us- and, I would think, this woman- wondering what the hell any of this was all about.

I mean, think about it. The tagline of this ad is "No Compromise." But the woman wasn't asked by her boss to compromise. She was told that she's not getting a promotion right now. How does being kidnapped and terrorized by Captain Marvel get across the "No Compromise" message? Someone please explain this to me. I'm totally lost.

I guess I am glad that the comments section is turned off for this ad- considering the crap Brie Larson got for having the audacity to play a comic book character traditionally depicted as male from the gatekeeper geek incels on YouTube, I shudder to imagine how this ad plays with that crowd of pathetic, dateless creeps.

Monday, September 7, 2020

My first-ever take on Seven-Eleven, prompted by actual experience

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/dszIvbOuDds

Yep, for almost twelve years of maintaining this blog and more than 1200 posts, I have managed to avoid commenting on 7-11 commercials. Probably because I almost never see any. I guess the owners of 7-11 figure that since they are on every other street corner in one region of the United States, they kind of advertise themselves.

But this commercial is referring to 7-11's rewards system, which I use, so I feel I need to break my silence over This Region's Favorite Convenience Store and toss some snark its way. 7-11 offers an App for your Smartphone which, WHEN OPENED, allows you to earn points whenever you purchase something which can then be used basically as currency to buy pretty much any food item in the store. It also keeps track of drink purchases, and every seventh Big Gulp is free. I do a lot of walking and visit a lot of 7-11s especially when it's warm out, and I have accumulated a lot of free Big Gulps since this service was introduced a few years back.

Here's my issue: When I approach a 7-11, I tap the App icon on my phone and am immediately sent to a page where my options are to look at an absolutely worthless graphic or SKIP. So then I hit skip, and after several seconds am asked how I want to LOG ON to my ACCOUNT- do I want to LOG ON using my password, or with FACEBOOK? Since I'm not super-adept at typing a password on to a tiny screen while standing in the bright sunlight OR a cramped store with other customers trying to buy things, I hit FACEBOOK and proceed to wait some more. Finally- if I'm lucky- the scan code appears before I've just given up and paid for my drink or have paced up and down in front of the store for five minutes.

Hey 7-11, I just gotta ask you- what is the purpose of the LOG IN/PASSWORD page? Why can't I just tap the App Icon and be immediately brought to my account and scan bar? Oh, I know what your answer is- "Security." But seriously, what are you "securing" here with these annoying steps? Are you actually concerned that I'm going to get my phone stolen by someone who figures out my PIN number and proceeds to use my precious reward points or maybe even (gasp) gain access to my Free 7th Cup? Because, seriously, if I lose my phone the LAST thing I'm going to be worried about is someone emptying my 7-11 points wallet.

Hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but, please. Just create a patch for this thing that immediately opens up the scan window as soon as we hit the App, please. I'm more than ready to sign a disclaimer if that's what you want. This is seriously something I'm willing to risk rather than go through the current hassle of hitting my phone four times to get to a freaking scan bar so I can get credit for my drink. You guys are kind of weird, did you know that?

Saturday, September 5, 2020

More Beating up on Chewy.com, because they deserve it

Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/SFPi1Qr_iZI

One woman in this ad has accepted that when you take on the 100 percent voluntary responsibility of pet ownership, that means you've got to deal with bringing home heavy bags of food and/or litter as part of the bargain YOU AGREED TO. The other two assure her that no, that kind of thinking belongs in the pre-Chewy Era, and now you can just push those responsibilities on to total strangers who will risk serious injury delivering that stuff to your door while you go about having fun-- like you used to, before you chained yourself to a pet.

In other words, nowadays when you decide to give away some of your freedom in the service of a dirty four-legged mammal, you can sentence some poor delivery guy to many years of carrying out the hardest part of the job of being a pet owner. Just let him suffer the backache, you need to focus on having fun with that walnut-brained anvil you like dressing in sweaters for some reason and taking it to the P-A-R-K (because one of the alleged joys of pet ownership is cultivating the illusion that you've actually purchased a temporary child who obeys your commands and eats off the floor while you and Hubby enjoy dinner in peace.)

It's just too much to ask that any of these women being reminded that delivery guys did NOT sign up for this- they are in jobs with crappy pay and little or no health benefits because that's what they could get, and now they might as well be working in a cement factory because spoiled-rotten princesses like you want pets without the hassle. A few years ago, someone living on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator would have said "hell no" to owning a pet because hauling heavy crap up those steps was just not worth it. Now it's a quick trip to Chewy.com and the delivery guy will be straining to get that stuff to your door- and if he dares leave it in the lobby, well, that's what security cameras and YouTube Shaming were invented for. And that friendly relationship you had with your next-door neighbor on the third floor was overrated anyway.

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

What Progressive, and a lot of other companies, simply don't get about the current situation

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/TvHm9ccW8-w

Nobody wants to be reminded of pointless "just because we can" meetings in which there is clearly no direction or agenda set up by the person or persons who organized them. By now pretty much everybody working at a job requiring an office or regular interaction with more than three people has already dealt with this. Trying to get away from this phenomena by turning on the television and seeing a commercial featuring a "team leader" trying to invent reasons for why she's called together her "team" in a Zoom meeting hits a bit too close to home and reminds too many of us how undervalued our downtime is.

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Probably my favorite As Seen on TV piece of nothing- the "HD Antenna"

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/micrHBNFfGo

Tired of massive cable bills? The average American spends more than two million dollars a year just for access to television signals! And what if you HAVE cable and you want to set up a second TV in another room? Well, you COULD spend $10-$15 million on a contractor to rip down a wall, set up a cell tower, or have the Evil Cable Company come and install a new box- and then you're right back to THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY just for the pleasure of watching Your Favorite ChannelsTM.

Instead, for just $10 plus Shipping and Handling, we can send you a flat piece of metal and plastic which is basically just a fancy-looking coat hanger to plug into the back of your tv. That's it! You pay for it ONCE, and you're DONE- doesn't that sound better than two million dollars a year for cable? Just plug on this coat hanger---err, HD TV Antenna, and you'll get ALL your favorite channels (assuming that your favorite channels are the local ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX affiliates, Retro, Grit, JumpTV and any number of networks featuring nothing but Spanish-language soap operas.) All in GLORIOUS HD (assuming you actually own an HDTV, of course.)

Now you can watch the Big Game on TV. You can also watch the pre-game show before the Big Game. You can watch the stuff on before the pre-game show that has nothing to do with the Big Game. You can just watch tv whenever you want is what we're saying.

Just check out this awesome commercial chock-full of photo-shopped images of people magically getting crystal-clear HD pictures on their TVs. Wouldn't you want to be one of them? Order Today- or save even more money by attaching a coat hanger, key ring, or pretty much anything else metal to the back of your tv. But don't do that. Just send me your money and I'll send you a piece of pointless junk that comes with a bucketful of nonsense claims, ok?