No Evidence Google Knows What It's Doing

 https://youtu.be/jQWrmxsQIM0

At the only blog I visit daily which is not my own, I am confronted- constantly- by a visually disgusting ad for a product I've used before but do not want to be reminded that I had to use and don't need color photographs reminding me of why I used it. 

Every. Single. Time.  

So I click on the "Feedback" tab and let Google know "I Am Not Interested in this Ad."  Google couldn't care less.  I keep getting versions of the same ad.  Still gross.  Still not interested. 

So I take another tack and click "Have seen this ad multiple times."  Google couldn't care less.  I've seen it multiple times?  Well, I guess I should get ready to see it even more times.  Does Google think that "Have seen this ad multiple times" is a thumbs-up from me?  Well, that would certainly explain a few things now, wouldn't it?  "This ad is on hundreds of times a day" translates to "people love our ad" in Google World, apparently.

To add insult to injury, Google always responds to my clicking with "Thank You.  Your Feedback Improves Google Ads."  Oh, does it?  After several weeks of this, there's no indication that Google gives a flying damn about my response.  Unless, again, it thinks that because I responded it means I liked the ad, and never mind that my responses would be seen as Negative by any human being.  And the fact that I've responded multiple times would scream STOP SHOWING ME THIS CRAP to any human being.

Google...seriously.  Stop this.  I've even started to click other advertisements at other sites hoping to convince Google to try to sell me something else, ANYTHING else.  I'd like to think that Google was just trying to harass me into complaining about their Amazing Ad Tools here.  Well, mission accomplished, Google.  Can we move on now, please? Please?

Rocket Mortgage is Just Weird

 https://youtu.be/wsm6uQrfnmg

Apparently, a group of geniuses at some ad agency was hired by Rocket Mortgage and told to come up with a commercial featuring a young family deciding that they needed a bigger house.  This group of geniuses put their heads together, racking their brains in an attempt to pick the very best reason why any family would want or need a bigger house.  Because they don't live in Reality and have zero experience with the Real World, this is what they came up with:

When do you realize you need a bigger house?  When one of your children....um....uses a magic marker to decorate his own face.  Yeah, that's it.  That's a good enough reason.  Let's pretend it makes sense, because we're useless, it's getting late, and if we don't get back to Rocket Mortgage within the next few days they are going to dump us and hire another ad agency.

So here we go.  This family has a small house- so small that 75% of them have to sit around a table in the same room together as they Still Don't Actually Interact.  It's ALREADY cramped, you see.  Then the fourth member of this group shows up with marker on his face.  And that's it- time for a bigger house, so we....um, don't have to sit in the same room together?  Don't need to see this kid anymore?  Won't feel compelled to KILL OUR KIDS if one of them does something mildly annoying/completely innocent but has to be portrayed as annoying because we've got that deadline with Rocket Mortgage?

Anyway, you can just respond to this...um....red flag....by whipping out your phone and applying for a Rocket Mortgage inside of thirty seconds.  Life-altering decision made....based on....this.  

I just....seriously, what the hell is going on, Rocket Mortgage?

TRIVAC WORX VACUUM! BECAUSE F--- SOCIETY!!

 https://youtu.be/lzLXCVNJGq8

"Know how every time you eat or drink or socialize outside, you and all your guests are ridiculous slobs who just leave cups and forks and plates and bowl and cheez-its and napkins everywhere because nobody knows how to behave like a civilized human being and use a trash can anymore?  Well, now there's the Trivac Worx Vacuum Cleaner System to solve all your Completely Relatable Cleanup Problems!"

Here, let me just turn it on and show you how 

EASY IT IS TO DO A QUICK CLEAN-UP AT POOLSIDE, ALL AROUND YOUR LAWN, YOUR DRIVEWAY, ANYWHERE YOU ENTERTAIN!!  AND DON'T FORGET THE REC ROOM, HUBBY'S MAN CAVE, EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS!"

"WHERE'S LES?"

"NO NOT LES, MESS!  EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS!  SEE HOW MUCH EASIER IT IS TO CLEAN?"

"WHAT?  WHO'S BEING MEAN?"

"NOT MEAN, CLEAN!  I SAID CLEAN!  THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER TO CLEAN!  JUST ONE PUSH OF THE BUTTON AND YOU'RE JOB IS DONE!"

"WHAT?  WHO WON?"

And it takes up very little space; just store it next to your snowblower and leafblower.  For an extra $19.99 we'll include military-grade noise-cancellation headsets.  Buy a pair for everyone in your family. As for the people who live on your street...well, that's just another problem this amazing product solves: Too-friendly neighbors.  Trust me- a couple of weekends of using this baby, and they'll never talk to you again.  

Start your kids on their journey to morbid obesity and diabetes early!

 https://youtu.be/Yz_Sb7m2bYQ

I just....I just can't with this thing.  Maybe it's because I spent all day yesterday driving to Vermont for fall break and I'm really tired, maybe I'm sick of living under a proto-Fascist administration which is currently reminding me of Russia in the days after Stalin died or Spain in the final days of Franco.  Maybe being in a bad mood is just My Normal.

Or maybe I'm just done seeing commercials for products which make it quick and easy to produce fatty junk for the whole family.  French fries, stuffed hamburgers, and now this bizarre Marshmallows mixed with other non-foods Frankenstein's Monster Creator that's fun for everyone who lives in your house from Age 4 to 9 (I didn't get through the entire 2 minutes 15 seconds of this- do any adults show up to supervise,* or do they just exist to make sure that there's an adequate supply of marshmallows, chocolate chips, M&Ms, sprinkles, and every other nutrition-free product capable of being squished into a blob of sugary goo using this device?)

*this would actually be easier to take if we were told these are free-range children who simply don't have parents, because this product is exactly the kind of thing we could see unsupervised kids using but we'd be horrified to find as a regular go-to in a home with actual adult supervision.

Another quick look at that AT&T ad....

 https://youtu.be/8JfArM3UXEg

(After all, if AT&T is going to make me watch it fifty times an hour, I should be allowed to get more than one post out of it...)

Let's imagine that this commercial featured a black woman straining to push a giant 5G prop across the floor of the AT&T store.  She's interrupted in her work by a white man who isn't even IN the store, who then proceeds to bark questions and then suggestions at her from the other side of the glass. 

The black, female AT&T employee's response is not to politely remind the non-customer that he's yelling at her through both a mask and a window while she is only trying to do her job.  It's to stop doing that job so she can better listen to the white guy demand that she explain what exactly that prop is all about, and then proceed to lecture her on how she SHOULD be doing her job. 

That go over well with you?  Anybody?

Dominos has our number

 https://youtu.be/1Mxh6wAia74

"Here at Domino's we figured out something during this pandemic:  Americans like to eat cheap, processed, fatty crap that ISN'T pizza or pasta.  We couldn't quite believe it, but statistics don't lie: It turns out that a whole lot of you are actually ordering Taco Bell and even McDonalds for delivery!"

"Needless to say, we were stunned.  We thought that Taco Bell and McDonalds were and always would be that spur of the moment crap you eat because you're in a massive hurry because you are working long hours plus it gives the illusion of being low-cost even though it really isn't at all when you factor in the negligible nutritional value, not to mention the addictive chemicals added in to keep you coming back in again and again and again.  It never occurred to us that people sitting at home would actually ORDER from those pig troughs!  Silly us, we apparently forgot that we live in a country where people line up for all-you-can eat cardboard pizza and cinnamon buns."

"So....better late than never, we're jumping on the bandwagon.  You want greasy taco-flavored garbage delivered to your door?  Here's a taco pizza!  You like cheap hamburger and processed 'cheese' on bread?  Here's a cheeseburger pizza!  Delivered right to your door, just like McDonalds and Taco Bell!"

"We apologize for misjudging you, America.  It won't happen again.  From now on, we'll be watching to see whatever horrific poisonous junk you're willing to pay to have delivered to your door despite the kitchen and stove being right there and despite the fact that you for sure own a refrigerator that is actually capable of keeping real food fresh until you are ready to spend a few minutes prepping it.  Our phone lines are open, our delivery cars a warmed up, and we're just waiting to be of service!"

Don't Mind Me, I'll just be in this Snow Fort I built next to you....The InnovaGoods Travel "pillow"

 https://youtu.be/Iucv6dT0YGo

Anyone who has spent any time in airports over the last twenty years has seen multiple display stands featuring travel pillows being offered for sale.  They are pretty much all the same, designed to wrap around your neck so your head doesn't shift while you sleep and wake you up.  The more expensive ones are filled with some kind of beads or seeds, while the cheapo versions need to be inflated with your own lung power before you attach it to your neck and try to get to sleep while being worried that it will lose air during your nap and you'll wake up with a crick in your neck and the guy in the next seat trying really hard not to snicker.  

I actually own a travel neck pillow thingee which is filled with beads or seeds; I've used it on long (11 hours on paper, 12+ in reality, all the time, because America) train trips.  It works ok, but it's obviously limited in it's utility as it will not prevent your body from shifting sideways as you sleep.  This is a big deal if you are one of those people who can fall asleep on a train, I guess.  I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of those people.

Anyway, here's a commercial for what I can best describe as a larger, more cumbersome version of the travel pillow.  It looks a lot like something I saw being advertised in one of those SkyMall magazines that sit in the pocket in front of your seat on American Airlines flights.  It goes a step further from providing stabilization for your neck and actually provides a mini-bed for your entire upper body to rest on.   You have to inflate it (which means you have to worry about it deflating, but let's be real- this thing isn't going to sell if it's filled with beads, weighs 15 lbs and counts as your carry-on) but once you do, you've got a little comfy personal space to lean into to take a nap or watch movies on your phone (without headphones, of course.)  Heck, if it isolates me from the person sitting next to me, maybe it's even worth it. 

But seriously- can you imagine using this if you aren't in the window seat?  Put it another way- how'd you like to be in the window seat and have the person in the aisle seat using this?  You're sitting there about to take off for a six-hour flight and the person sitting next to you, blocking your only exit to the restroom, is announcing "I'm going to be completely oblivious to you, probably asleep, in a few minutes- if you want to get up you'll have to interact with me physically, and btw this is also going to make it very difficult for you to get your drink or your meal because I'm basically creating a wall between you and the rest of the plane."  

You know what?  Just get one of those travel neck pillows at the gift shop and accept that you can't recreate your freaking bedroom for the flight.  You aren't the only person on the plane.  More to the point, you aren't the only person sitting in that row.  So unless you have the window seat, you don't get to use one of these stupid things, ok?