Hyundai's stupid commercial featuring a stupid dog and it's even more stupid owners

 https://youtu.be/rYsd37JrXPM

1.  Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this?  I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn.  This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots.  Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving.  Or training your dog.

2.  Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying?  That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light.  It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing.  It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it. 

3.  Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn?  You guys are morons.  Thank you for not living near me :>)

Walmart's "Helpful" Keep Moving Tips

 https://youtu.be/A763EUIz54E

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/A763EUIz54E" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

How to control your blood pressure:

1.  Get more exercise.  For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves.  You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.  

2.  Smile more.  Get that look off  your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers.  When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.

3.  Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem.  You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM.  After all, Times are ToughTM.  And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.  

4.  No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  That's a myth.

5.  No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  Again, myth. 

And best of all: you don't have to worry about being seen in a Walmart!

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/voLuHiIp5gY" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

https://youtu.be/voLuHiIp5gY

(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)

If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche.  And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership.  Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway. 

And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway.  Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda.  He doesn't mind.  He's lucky to have a job, after all.  

Dixie's hysterical "Make it Right" ad

 https://youtu.be/1LEokOZzoxE

So this guy has a date over for dinner.  He cooks the dinner, I guess to show off his skills in the kitchen.  This is a smart move.  It's the only smart move he makes in the entire commercial.  Everything else he does is completely, totally, budding-relationship-ending WRONG.

1.  He infantilizes his date by putting the food on the plate himself and carrying it in from the kitchen instead of just putting the ingredients on the table and letting her help herself.  She's an adult- she can't decide how much she wants?  He has to decide her portion size for her?  He really should not be doing this, ESPECIALLY since

2.  He puts a RIDICULOUS amount of food on that plate.  I mean, seriously.  He wants her to enjoy the food.  Maybe he wants to show her that he dismisses retrograde notions of "lady portions."  But does he want her to eat until she's uncomfortable.  Because, again- that's a LOT of food on that plate.

3.  He does some stupid little dance on the way in from the kitchen.  I don't know what that is, but....we don't want to see it, and I find it hard to believe that she does, either.  I know you're trying to make a big deal out of all of this, buddy, but...come on.  That's spaghetti and meatballs you're serving up.  Maybe it's your specialty, or maybe it's an old family recipe.  It's still just spaghetti and meatballs.

4.  This is the big one.  I can't believe I, a person who has a date roughly every Leap Year, has to point this out, but....you have a woman over for dinner.  That's pretty intimate.  Nobody does this on a first date- this comes after several dates in public places.  This is getting serious.  But you've managed to reach this level in the relationship, and you....serve dinner on CHEAP PAPER PLATES???  

OH MY GOD MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  PAPER PLATES?  Why don't you just come out and TELL this woman "I like you, but not enough to wash a freaking dish for?"  You are in your OWN HOUSE, you aren't at a camp site or even on the freaking patio.  YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.  YOU ARE SERVING A FANCY DINNER to a woman who agreed to COME TO YOUR HOUSE.  YOU USE ACTUAL PLATES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

Seriously, is this guy related to that jackass in the Downy commercials who wears a ragged t-shirt to a first date?  I guess we should be grateful that guys like this are willing to reveal their unsuitability as life partners early on and are therefore less likely to successfully bequeath their DNA to another generation, but jeeeesh....this is just sad.  

And then he blames the cheap paper plates for ruining his date.  Um, no, buddy.  Sorry, but NO.  You use plates meant for kid's birthday parties and built to carry slices of cake or a hot dog to attempt the transportation of 2 pounds of hot spaghetti and meatballs?  That's on you.  And if you never see that nice woman again, it's your loss and very much her gain.  She can do much, much better. 

Congratulations, Apple

 https://youtu.be/65JrtwtTOdc

You managed to create a commercial that gives me a headache no matter how I experience it- if I turn the sound off and just watch= Headache.  If I just listen to it without watching= Headache.  Hell, I'm neither listening to it or watching it right now, and I'm getting a headache from the MEMORY of it. 

No wonder the Comments are turned off on this one.  Just another obnoxious BUY THIS THING ITS SLIGHTLY NEWER THAN THE ONE YOU JUST BOUGHT commercial by one of the most obnoxious companies on the planet (and, yet, maybe not even the most obnoxious company on the planet that starts with the letter "A."  How weird is that?)

Clickbait Garbage that hit home for a few seconds....

 https://www.lifestyle-a2z.com/an-original-copy-of-this-vhs-might-make-you-a-small-fortune/?utm_medium=outbrain&utm_source=296&utm_campaign=201013111527541x0xchrome_002df252195286ef9f57a925d829228b18&utm_term=CNN+%28Turner+U.S.%29_CNN_00e8ca988f7d01a748f9a28d57d69900d7&utm_content=%5BGallery%5D+If+You+Have+Any+Of+These+VHS+Tapes%2C+You+Can+Retire%21&dicbo=v1-ab3b2ce0a157ee27a94ae91df606ccd8-0075a2d8e3bf3f3bf885f890df5a8afbcf-g5sgczlegzrgiljsmfrggljuhbrdoljzge4tiljtmjtdgnlfmjstszbxgm

The title of this nonsense slideshow clickbait BS is "if you own Any of these VHS Tapes, you can Retire!"  But with the very first "slide," you realize that this is simply inaccurate (an inaccurate clickbaity title?  HERESY!)  In fact, the first three examples of "valuable" VHS tapes are reportedly going for $20 each.  I can retire on $20?

I managed a video rental store in the late 1980s, and I recognize probably 90 percent of the titles listed here.  I personally sold dozens of copies of E.T. when it was released on VHS and remember setting up the display stand and taking pre-orders.  When the store closed down in late-1990 we sold our entire inventory and one customer purchased every single item in our Disney collection- probably fifty tapes- for $5 each.  Judging from the title of this nonsensical "news story," he would be in position to make himself a multimillionaire now, right?  

I only looked at the first ten items here, and adding up their value comes to about $3000.  I don't know how long this list is, but unless it extends into the hundreds, or includes one So Rare It Probably Doesn't Actually Exist tape, there's no way it all adds up to money you can "retire" on.  But because the article referenced something that pressed a nostalgia button, it got me to click and give it a partial going-over, so mission accomplished, I guess?

(BTW, I'm sure that if I go through my parents' storage area I can find several of these items- I know, for example, that I got a copy of E.T. for myself when it was released.  But I'll wait until I retire before putting it on the market- after all, it's sure to be worth a lot more than Night at the Movies-level money by then, right?  Like, Actual Retirement-level money?

How to sell $2 for $17.95

 https://youtu.be/p9RGSu8JYn8

Just slap some cheap color "art" on to $2 bills and sell it to the same people who mount Trump flags to their pickups and stocked up on Trumpy Bears and love wearing their If This Shirt Offends You Learn Some History Confederate flag T-shirts and spending evenings looking at their Lock Her Up Commemorative Coins.  

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the gullibility of the American Public- Mark Twain, among others.   I'd add that plenty of the members of that gullible public are perfectly happy to go broke if they can Annoy the Libs along the way to the poor house.  You can bet that when they get there, they'll be leaning heavily on their Social Security, Affordable Health Care coverage, and all those other Socialist programs that continue to destroy America because the China Virus and the Post Office conspired to bring down the Bestest President Ever in November, 2020.