Lily, AT&T, and Trump-level Contempt for all of us

 https://youtu.be/vXL93-2it-c

"Hi, I'm Lily, a spokeschoad whose job depends on pitching AT&T products to the slobbering masses.  What can I do for you?"

"Hi Lily, I'm an idiot consumer talking to you on a Zoom call because I guess that's how things get done these days.  Because I'm an idiot, I'm going to ask you, a person whose paycheck depends on my opening my wallet and let your company suck out its contents, if I should be getting excited about a product you want me to be excited about.  Should I be excited about 5G?"

"Hi idiot customer.  Here's my answer- are you a loser?"

"No, I'm not a loser.  I just act like one on AT&T commercials."

"Ok, idiot customer- then the answer is yes.  You should be getting VERY excited about 5G, because we want you to be excited about it, and give us your money.  What's your next stupid question, idiot?"

"Sorry- I had to blink for a minute, and wipe the drool from my mouth.  Should I run to AT&T right now and buy this thing you're selling?"

"Wow, you really are stupid.  Why are we even still on this call?  Why aren't you already on your way to the store?  Don't forget your wallet, stupid."

"Wait...that was mean.  You shouldn't be rude....what were we talking about again?"

"Sourdough bread.  Because 16 seconds into this 42-second commercial, we're all done talking about this 'service' we're selling.  Get moving, Drooling Sheep."  

What's with these Rodgers Rate ads??

 https://youtu.be/dt9rfHBmTuw

Seems to me that if Aaron Rodgers has his own personal State Farm agent who shadows him throughout his life, never leaving his side, watching his every move and answering any questions he might have about his insurance coverage- and is not paying one dime than anyone else who also owns all this property protected by State Farm insurance and does NOT have his very own personal State Farm agent standing by 24/7, well then he IS getting a Rodgers Rate.

Can anyone explain these stupid ads to me?  Why does State Farm assign a rotating cast of insurance agents to hang out with Aaron Rodgers?  Why would Aaron Rodgers want this?  And how could this NOT cost more than an insurance company that is just there at the other end of the phone if you actually need to file a claim or ask a question?  The implication here is that Rodgers expects his insurance company to provide a brown-nosing, grinning little bodyguard/toady as well as coverage.  I mean, what the hell?

Meet the Dimings, before they are dead

 https://youtu.be/3yKJE7uKurU

Sorry to be so dark, but seriously- if these people don't get a hold of their obvious weight issues, they are going to die.  They need to get off that couch and stay off it, and maybe spend more time in the fresh fruits and veggies section of their local Walmart and less in the frozen food and bags of salty fatty crap sections.  

I mean, you've got this nice house in the suburbs plus that son to look after.  That ought to be motivation enough to stop slouching in front of the tv and get back on those bikes.

Hyundai's stupid commercial featuring a stupid dog and it's even more stupid owners

 https://youtu.be/rYsd37JrXPM

1.  Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this?  I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn.  This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots.  Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving.  Or training your dog.

2.  Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying?  That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light.  It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing.  It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it. 

3.  Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn?  You guys are morons.  Thank you for not living near me :>)

Walmart's "Helpful" Keep Moving Tips

 https://youtu.be/A763EUIz54E

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/A763EUIz54E" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

How to control your blood pressure:

1.  Get more exercise.  For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves.  You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.  

2.  Smile more.  Get that look off  your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers.  When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.

3.  Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem.  You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM.  After all, Times are ToughTM.  And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.  

4.  No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  That's a myth.

5.  No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  Again, myth. 

And best of all: you don't have to worry about being seen in a Walmart!

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/voLuHiIp5gY" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

https://youtu.be/voLuHiIp5gY

(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)

If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche.  And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership.  Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway. 

And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway.  Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda.  He doesn't mind.  He's lucky to have a job, after all.  

Dixie's hysterical "Make it Right" ad

 https://youtu.be/1LEokOZzoxE

So this guy has a date over for dinner.  He cooks the dinner, I guess to show off his skills in the kitchen.  This is a smart move.  It's the only smart move he makes in the entire commercial.  Everything else he does is completely, totally, budding-relationship-ending WRONG.

1.  He infantilizes his date by putting the food on the plate himself and carrying it in from the kitchen instead of just putting the ingredients on the table and letting her help herself.  She's an adult- she can't decide how much she wants?  He has to decide her portion size for her?  He really should not be doing this, ESPECIALLY since

2.  He puts a RIDICULOUS amount of food on that plate.  I mean, seriously.  He wants her to enjoy the food.  Maybe he wants to show her that he dismisses retrograde notions of "lady portions."  But does he want her to eat until she's uncomfortable.  Because, again- that's a LOT of food on that plate.

3.  He does some stupid little dance on the way in from the kitchen.  I don't know what that is, but....we don't want to see it, and I find it hard to believe that she does, either.  I know you're trying to make a big deal out of all of this, buddy, but...come on.  That's spaghetti and meatballs you're serving up.  Maybe it's your specialty, or maybe it's an old family recipe.  It's still just spaghetti and meatballs.

4.  This is the big one.  I can't believe I, a person who has a date roughly every Leap Year, has to point this out, but....you have a woman over for dinner.  That's pretty intimate.  Nobody does this on a first date- this comes after several dates in public places.  This is getting serious.  But you've managed to reach this level in the relationship, and you....serve dinner on CHEAP PAPER PLATES???  

OH MY GOD MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  PAPER PLATES?  Why don't you just come out and TELL this woman "I like you, but not enough to wash a freaking dish for?"  You are in your OWN HOUSE, you aren't at a camp site or even on the freaking patio.  YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.  YOU ARE SERVING A FANCY DINNER to a woman who agreed to COME TO YOUR HOUSE.  YOU USE ACTUAL PLATES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

Seriously, is this guy related to that jackass in the Downy commercials who wears a ragged t-shirt to a first date?  I guess we should be grateful that guys like this are willing to reveal their unsuitability as life partners early on and are therefore less likely to successfully bequeath their DNA to another generation, but jeeeesh....this is just sad.  

And then he blames the cheap paper plates for ruining his date.  Um, no, buddy.  Sorry, but NO.  You use plates meant for kid's birthday parties and built to carry slices of cake or a hot dog to attempt the transportation of 2 pounds of hot spaghetti and meatballs?  That's on you.  And if you never see that nice woman again, it's your loss and very much her gain.  She can do much, much better.