Yeah- no, Volvo. Just....No.

 https://youtu.be/XwZUZ42dYJo

The last thing I need from you is the portrayal of a greasy Eurotrash white suburban family which cruises around in a freaking Volvo compared to the people who worked from dawn to dusk in the mills.  Give us a fricking break.  

Oh, wait, maybe I'm being unfair.  Let's see- both this family and the mill family wake up before dawn.  Sure, one does that to make Espresso and get the children up, cleaned, clothed and off to school while the other ate last night's leftover scraps before trudging off for another 12-hour day surrounded by the incessant noise and cotton or coal dust of the mill, but that's just splitting hairs.  Sure, one family bundles into the Volvo while the other walks through the dark morning to the factory gates, but again- splitting hairs.  Sure, one will get two days out of every seven off for rest and relaxation from their office jobs while the other worked on average 6 and a half days per week at grindingly hard, dangerous work, but AGAIN I need to stop being so pedantic.   This really is an Apples to Apples comparison here, really.

So I'm going to stop being infuriated at the comparison of a wealthy family living in luxury in the American suburbs to the masses of half-starved, overworked, underpaid, oft-injured laborers who shook off sickness, weariness and a heavy sense of helplessness to get to the mill every morning to put food on the table.  After all, that first family owns a Volvo, not a Lexus or Audi.  Hard times in the mill, indeed.  

Is Alien Tape just punking us?

 https://youtu.be/IEu2PJn_6BM

I just have one question about this "amazing" tape/not tape product which allegedly can be used in place of wall-ruining tape and nails to do everything from hanging portraits to cementing bowls on to high chairs and fixing furniture in place:  Is it a "permanent solution," or is it not?

Watch this commercial very carefully.  Again and again, we're told how powerful this stuff is at holding things wherever you want to put them.  Several times the words THIS IS A PERMANANT SOLUTION shows up on the screen.  But at the same time, we're told that it's completely removable ("just twist and remove.")  That doesn't sound like much of a "permanent solution."  You can't have it both ways, Alien Tape!  Is this stuff that I can use to mount my 500-lb Rembrandt to the wall of my one-bedroom apartment, knowing that it will stay in place for ever and ever (that's what "permanent solution" means, right?)  Or am I at risk of knocking it off the wall if I bump into it, causing the material to "twist" slightly?  

It's really easy to miss that "this is a permanent solution" line, as it's never uttered, and meanwhile we keep being shown people making adjustments to the stuff that's been mounted with Alien Tape, including taking them completely down so we can see how the wall isn't damaged by the tape because "it's not an adhesive."  It's really easy to see people just buying this stuff, using it to mount something on their wall, seeing it's crooked- and not being able to budge it because THIS IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION, just like the small print in the commercial said but the narrator never did.  It's a lot easier to believe that this stuff doesn't actually work at all, and that expensive thing you mounted falls down and breaks in the middle of the night. Which is why I'm sticking to good old poster putty when I mount my Rembrandts.  But seriously, what the hell is going on here, Alien Tape?  Are you trying to get people to cement things to their walls, or get their priceless shower shelves broken, or what?

AT&T keeps circling the bay, jumping that shark

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ya3JnrfiDX0" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

https://youtu.be/ya3JnrfiDX0

In the bizarro world of AT&T, salespeople sit down with potential customers of comfy couches to discuss the benefits of the product as if they are in a Charles Schwab office ready to go over portfolio options.  I'm pretty sure we don't see anything like this in real life, where purchasing a phone and plan is far more likely to involve punching your name into a display and then waiting for your turn to talk to a twentysomething kid who will continue to juggle four customers while also giving you a twenty-second tutorial on why this new package isn't exactly the deal you heard about on TV because your FICA score is under 780.

It's also a world where being able to watch something called HBO Max on a tiny screen if you are already a subscriber is seen as an attractive feature.  Because being able to watch prime cable tv shows while squinting at a little box in your hand is something everyone really demands from their phone plan these days.  It's such an attractive feature, in fact, that Everyone's Favorite Spokeschoad will be interrupted by a blast of theme music every time she attempts to talk about it.  Boy does THAT get old quick. 

No, Jeep. Just- No.

 https://youtu.be/MbLVPtESzdc

Carl Sagan is spinning in his grave.

Seriously.  The Jeep ad that has been running all day today is not this one.  Instead, it features people driving jeeps in deserts, crashing them through forests, fording streams, jumping rocks, and basically doing everything possible to increase their carbon footprint for absolutely no reason other than Because We Can Cause Check Out This Jeep.

And then we get this "Jeep Cares about Climate Change" manipulative twee.  Lifting a recording from a true legend in about a dozen different disciplines including the environment.  To sell a freaking combustion engine gas-guzzling toy to Suburbanites with money burning holes in their pockets and (let's face it) a bad case of Midlife Crisis. 

Total fail, Jeep.

Viva Libre, I guess?

 https://youtu.be/lJbfcML01Hg

Yeah, I know it must be a real pain to stick your finger to check your blood sugar.  When I'm at home on vacation I do this for my dad every day, and it hurts just to watch when I push that little button that sticks a tack into one of his fingers.  Plus, I have never even once managed to extract the little needle from the delivery system without getting stuck with it myself.  If my dad had an infectious illness I would have caught it years ago. 

But I'm not sure I'd think it much of an improvement to stick what looks like one of those anti-shoplifting devices on your arm and then wear short sleeves so everyone on the planet can see you've got blood glucose issues- not that the people in these ads are at all interested in being discreet anyway, always just pausing during activities to check their blood sugar (seriously, what the hell?  Did they used to pause during biking to stick their fingers?  What compelled this woman to just stop riding in circles for a moment and check her blood sugar?  Just because she could, without sticking her finger with a pin?  I mean, come on.)

"Natural Vitality" is Latin for "Keep her drugged and stupid"

 https://youtu.be/0tzoIb_5asA

1.  I think this woman's immediate reaction should be to get that blouse off and under running water before the stain sets instead of drugging herself, but that's just me.

2.  I don't blame this guy for immediately offering his life partner a cup of holistic woo the moment he sees that she might be upset about something.  I wonder what he thought she'd so if he didn't instantly medicate her with a cup of dissolved powder.  But I guess he knows, and that that's all that mattered.  Gotta protect that kid, after all.

3.  This woman looks like she's a professional on her way to an important job when she gets her blouse defaced by her spawn.  Her spouse looks like he's on his way to absolutely nothing but has all the time in the world to stir himself up another cup of warm Nothing that he bought from the local store's Not Actually Drugs aisle.  This guy has Stay at Home Dad written all over him.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a stay at home dad.  It just kind of rubs me the wrong way to think that he's spending money his spouse brings into the house on holistic BS.  Get your act together, you idiot.  Because 

4.  This woman could do better than this ugly dweeb living in the house she obviously paid for.  Rinse that blouse in cold water RIGHT NOW, change, and go to work.  And after work, don't go straight home to this.  Go out and have drinks with friends instead.  Talk to them about what happened this morning.  And get ready to watch them glance at each other, roll their eyes, reach across the table, gently take your hand in theirs, and let you know that they've been waiting for you to wake up for years and now it's time to have a very serious conversation about your next steps. 

Lily, AT&T, and Trump-level Contempt for all of us

 https://youtu.be/vXL93-2it-c

"Hi, I'm Lily, a spokeschoad whose job depends on pitching AT&T products to the slobbering masses.  What can I do for you?"

"Hi Lily, I'm an idiot consumer talking to you on a Zoom call because I guess that's how things get done these days.  Because I'm an idiot, I'm going to ask you, a person whose paycheck depends on my opening my wallet and let your company suck out its contents, if I should be getting excited about a product you want me to be excited about.  Should I be excited about 5G?"

"Hi idiot customer.  Here's my answer- are you a loser?"

"No, I'm not a loser.  I just act like one on AT&T commercials."

"Ok, idiot customer- then the answer is yes.  You should be getting VERY excited about 5G, because we want you to be excited about it, and give us your money.  What's your next stupid question, idiot?"

"Sorry- I had to blink for a minute, and wipe the drool from my mouth.  Should I run to AT&T right now and buy this thing you're selling?"

"Wow, you really are stupid.  Why are we even still on this call?  Why aren't you already on your way to the store?  Don't forget your wallet, stupid."

"Wait...that was mean.  You shouldn't be rude....what were we talking about again?"

"Sourdough bread.  Because 16 seconds into this 42-second commercial, we're all done talking about this 'service' we're selling.  Get moving, Drooling Sheep."