Acura's in love with it's own commercial concepts

 https://youtu.be/Pzq2gbPFLlc

(This is the kind of ad that makes me almost look forward to the Lexus December to Remember season that is about to descend on us....hard.  Almost.)

At this point it should no longer surprise me that this insufferable wall of noise, blurred images and self-congratulatory garbage is followed by drooling morons posting "I love this ad" in the comments.  It's just par for the course these days:  put together an expensive minute or so of flashy, shiny junk, give it a soundtrack, slap it on tv and pay the bleating sheep a nickel a post to tell you how awesome it is and especially how much they adore and need need need the song that's attached to it. 

Meanwhile, this steaming pile of manipulative crud is topped off with what looks for all the world like a guy racing his blue Acura to run down a woman tied to the train tracks before the train can finish the job.  I seriously have no idea what his plan was once he got to the tracks- it's like he's playing a video game and running over the girl is worth 250 points and an additional life.  And don't even get me started on how the woman he "saves" ends up the driver....because I don't want to think about this noxious nonsense anymore.  Jesus Acura, just show the damn car sitting in a dealership somewhere.  We already know that if you push the gas pedal, it will go forward.  We already know that if you turn the steering wheel, it will make the car go in different directions.   I know that a couple of film art majors are super-proud of this commercial, but that doesn't mean I'm required to appreciate it.  It's an f--ing car ad for an f--ng overpriced luxury automobile, period.  Get the hell over yourself.  

The Talking Bucket is the most believable part of this KFC ad

 https://youtu.be/prFbaLDMG_A

I mean, if the bucket is going to include gigantic pieces of nothing that looks like KFC which also remains overflowing no matter how many pieces are removed from it, that bucket might as well start talking because the commercial is already off the rails when it comes to realism.  Not to mention the gigantic piles of potatoes and gravy and five-inch tall biscuits that are practically falling off the plate.  Not to mention the dad agreeing that the $50 or so worth of food we see on the table is "a lot better than microwave hot dogs," which may be true but it's not like those are the only two dinner choices available to anyone.  If you're going to include all that, a talking bucket is downright ordinary.  

(I do like how, in one scene, two people are excitedly talking in the background instead of daring to attack the enormous mountain of chicken which absolutely dominates the screen- it looks more like a barrel than a bucket in MOST of this ad.  And the beautifully choreographed scene where the kid is clearly waiting for his cue to reach for a piece of not-chicken.  Seriously, was that the best take you could get, KFC?)  

All this, and it still doesn't work in Vermont?

 https://youtu.be/a84UlLe6zDg

I actually managed to get through this ridiculous, overwrought, played-out-way-before-its-over self-congratulatory pile of steaming feces on the first try, even after realizing thirty seconds in it was going to just be another "we've got a budget and a minute and a half to fill, so let's spend that money and fill that time with insulting levels of dumb" commercial.

Woah....I just realized I said so much in the first run-on sentence paragraph, I really don't have any more to add.  Except that I lost count how many times this ad was about to end but then was padded out even more with unnecessary dialogue and repetitive WE GET IT button pushing and key-turning (how many times can you act like you're "ready" to do something and act like you are "doing" something which just leads to doing something else?  At least three, according to this ad.)  Oh, and that I'm even more appalled than usual with the comments.  What is WITH you people?

Yeah- no, Volvo. Just....No.

 https://youtu.be/XwZUZ42dYJo

The last thing I need from you is the portrayal of a greasy Eurotrash white suburban family which cruises around in a freaking Volvo compared to the people who worked from dawn to dusk in the mills.  Give us a fricking break.  

Oh, wait, maybe I'm being unfair.  Let's see- both this family and the mill family wake up before dawn.  Sure, one does that to make Espresso and get the children up, cleaned, clothed and off to school while the other ate last night's leftover scraps before trudging off for another 12-hour day surrounded by the incessant noise and cotton or coal dust of the mill, but that's just splitting hairs.  Sure, one family bundles into the Volvo while the other walks through the dark morning to the factory gates, but again- splitting hairs.  Sure, one will get two days out of every seven off for rest and relaxation from their office jobs while the other worked on average 6 and a half days per week at grindingly hard, dangerous work, but AGAIN I need to stop being so pedantic.   This really is an Apples to Apples comparison here, really.

So I'm going to stop being infuriated at the comparison of a wealthy family living in luxury in the American suburbs to the masses of half-starved, overworked, underpaid, oft-injured laborers who shook off sickness, weariness and a heavy sense of helplessness to get to the mill every morning to put food on the table.  After all, that first family owns a Volvo, not a Lexus or Audi.  Hard times in the mill, indeed.  

Is Alien Tape just punking us?

 https://youtu.be/IEu2PJn_6BM

I just have one question about this "amazing" tape/not tape product which allegedly can be used in place of wall-ruining tape and nails to do everything from hanging portraits to cementing bowls on to high chairs and fixing furniture in place:  Is it a "permanent solution," or is it not?

Watch this commercial very carefully.  Again and again, we're told how powerful this stuff is at holding things wherever you want to put them.  Several times the words THIS IS A PERMANANT SOLUTION shows up on the screen.  But at the same time, we're told that it's completely removable ("just twist and remove.")  That doesn't sound like much of a "permanent solution."  You can't have it both ways, Alien Tape!  Is this stuff that I can use to mount my 500-lb Rembrandt to the wall of my one-bedroom apartment, knowing that it will stay in place for ever and ever (that's what "permanent solution" means, right?)  Or am I at risk of knocking it off the wall if I bump into it, causing the material to "twist" slightly?  

It's really easy to miss that "this is a permanent solution" line, as it's never uttered, and meanwhile we keep being shown people making adjustments to the stuff that's been mounted with Alien Tape, including taking them completely down so we can see how the wall isn't damaged by the tape because "it's not an adhesive."  It's really easy to see people just buying this stuff, using it to mount something on their wall, seeing it's crooked- and not being able to budge it because THIS IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION, just like the small print in the commercial said but the narrator never did.  It's a lot easier to believe that this stuff doesn't actually work at all, and that expensive thing you mounted falls down and breaks in the middle of the night. Which is why I'm sticking to good old poster putty when I mount my Rembrandts.  But seriously, what the hell is going on here, Alien Tape?  Are you trying to get people to cement things to their walls, or get their priceless shower shelves broken, or what?

AT&T keeps circling the bay, jumping that shark

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https://youtu.be/ya3JnrfiDX0

In the bizarro world of AT&T, salespeople sit down with potential customers of comfy couches to discuss the benefits of the product as if they are in a Charles Schwab office ready to go over portfolio options.  I'm pretty sure we don't see anything like this in real life, where purchasing a phone and plan is far more likely to involve punching your name into a display and then waiting for your turn to talk to a twentysomething kid who will continue to juggle four customers while also giving you a twenty-second tutorial on why this new package isn't exactly the deal you heard about on TV because your FICA score is under 780.

It's also a world where being able to watch something called HBO Max on a tiny screen if you are already a subscriber is seen as an attractive feature.  Because being able to watch prime cable tv shows while squinting at a little box in your hand is something everyone really demands from their phone plan these days.  It's such an attractive feature, in fact, that Everyone's Favorite Spokeschoad will be interrupted by a blast of theme music every time she attempts to talk about it.  Boy does THAT get old quick. 

No, Jeep. Just- No.

 https://youtu.be/MbLVPtESzdc

Carl Sagan is spinning in his grave.

Seriously.  The Jeep ad that has been running all day today is not this one.  Instead, it features people driving jeeps in deserts, crashing them through forests, fording streams, jumping rocks, and basically doing everything possible to increase their carbon footprint for absolutely no reason other than Because We Can Cause Check Out This Jeep.

And then we get this "Jeep Cares about Climate Change" manipulative twee.  Lifting a recording from a true legend in about a dozen different disciplines including the environment.  To sell a freaking combustion engine gas-guzzling toy to Suburbanites with money burning holes in their pockets and (let's face it) a bad case of Midlife Crisis. 

Total fail, Jeep.