Kaiser Permanente's "Thrive" Commercial makes me want to shop for funeral homes

 

 Pardon me for feeling more than a little attacked by these Kaiser Permanente "thrive" commercials which celebrate the fact that SEVERAL people throughout recent history actually accomplished some amazing things DESPITE the fact that they were (GASP! REALLY? I demand to see the raw data!) in their FIFTIES.

I can only assume that each of these people were consuming the blood of young virgins during weekly Satanic ceremonies or had simply sold their souls to the devil in exchange for the gift of unnatural powers at such advanced ages.  I mean, Ernest Hemingway WROTE A BOOK at the age of FIFTY-TWO?  Clearly SOME black magic was at work- everyone knows that the average person who has NOT made an unholy pact with a demon is barely capable of getting out of bed at FIFTY-TWO!

These Lincoln Christmas ads....I just can't....

This woman walks into her freaking palace and sees that her mother and father have arrived early (and had keys to the palace, apparently) and have brought farm animals with them for reasons I don't want to begin to contemplate. Her response is to turn around without a word and get back into her car. This is a commercial from last year. This year's version, which I just saw on tv but have yet to find available on YouTube, features what I'm pretty sure is the exact same woman walking into ANOTHER ridiculous McMansion to find her husband and children (gasp) HAVING FUN playing with toys under the Christmas tree. Once again, this completely breaks her spirit and sends her running back to the unquestioning, unthreatening comfort of her freaking Lincoln. This woman has a pimped-out car and fabulous house but her life isn't perfect because every time she tries to take a break from looking at her fricking phone she finds things happening in that house that she doesn't exactly like and (for some reason) simply can't deal with at the moment. It's like her family just doesn't give her the level of serenity and apprecation her Lincoln does, so she might as well just sit in her g-d d---ed car because it's her safe space and sanctuary from what to 99 percent of us looks like a pretty damned good life. Seriously, turn the key and just go away, you spoiled rotten idiot. Everyone else in these ads can do better, and deserves better, than your sorry pampered butt. (BTW, the title of this ad is "Christmas Wish List." What on Earth does this woman wish for? I suspect it's that everything else in her life that is not her car just vanishes and never returns. Which leaves me wondering something else: what would be on her family's wish list? I doubt it's very complimentary to her.)

Why do car commercials think that parking garages have 50 MPH speed limits?

So I guess this nasty piece of Eurotrash and his significant other didn't really have any plans to exit their car and actually do anything; the driver just wants to drive around agressively at dangerous speeds until he runs out of gas because he's obsessed with a car he likes to pretend is not a mid-level Nissan Blandmobile. If I were this woman, I'd be progressing from amused, to mildly irritated, to deeply concerned once I realize he was leaving the city limits and suddenly barelling through snow (seriously, how many miles out of town ARE they by the end of this ad?) In fact, I'd start to suspect that his ultimate plan was to bludgeon me to death and dump me in the woods so he could have more Alone Time with his freaking car.

Remember when life was Tacless?

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https://youtu.be/bjGWWVLlkt8

Every time I turn around, there's another cheap piece of crap with the word "tac" tacked on to it (hey, that works...)  Tac lights, Tac Sunglasses, Tac portable chargers....and now "Tac Shavers."  As a very intelligent YouTube commentator (now that's a rarity) noted, we seem to be living in an era where just adding the letters "tac" to the As Seen on TV product is supposed to turn it from junk to Must-Have.

Because you never know when you'll be submerged in a swimming pool and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to shave.

Because you can't be asked to find time to shave while you're actually at home, so you need this thing sitting in your glove compartment so you can run it over your face while stuck in traffic or sitting in the parking lot of a box store or wherever.

Because your last ounce of awareness that you're living in a society died a long time ago (around the time you had that $5000 earthquake-causing Suburbs-Shattering sound system installed in your car because everyone within 20 miles should know the kind of music you like listening to at 2 AM) and you just don't give a flying damn what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's why you don't care if the people in the next lane see you shaving with one hand and staring at your cell phone with the other while you're supposed to be paying attention to the road (last week, a guy on the beltway was cruising along in the center lane at 30 MPH while propping a tablet against the steering wheel.  Because FU world, I guess.)  

Because you think "made with the needs of the military in mind" is a great argument to buy anything.  The customers of this product AREN'T in the military.  They don't need to be able to shave while standing in the pouring rain- I doubt they ever even need to shave while submerged in water.  I mean, what soldier is going to find himself in that situation and think "I need a shave?" anyway?  

Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier and shave your fricking face in your fricking house with a regular, house-bound razor, you morons.  

Another really awkward AT&T ad

 https://youtu.be/jL8aIJJhnVI

Watching this commercial for the first time, I really thought that one of two things was going to happen:

A.  The extremely uncomfortable-looking groom would admit that he desperately needed to urinate and excuse himself.   Seriously, the guy looks like he's going to explode and that the act of simply standing there is downright painful.  

B.  The bride, having taken a good, long look at her intended (perhaps for the first time?) realizes that he looks like a dyspeptic mannequin who looks about as enthusiastic about this whole thing as a miner entering the shaft elevator at 5 AM and maybe the MRS degree isn't worth what she thought it was. 

Either way, when the sassy black woman delivers the punchline, we are supposed to think it's HI-larious.  That part I know for SURE.  

Acura's in love with it's own commercial concepts

 https://youtu.be/Pzq2gbPFLlc

(This is the kind of ad that makes me almost look forward to the Lexus December to Remember season that is about to descend on us....hard.  Almost.)

At this point it should no longer surprise me that this insufferable wall of noise, blurred images and self-congratulatory garbage is followed by drooling morons posting "I love this ad" in the comments.  It's just par for the course these days:  put together an expensive minute or so of flashy, shiny junk, give it a soundtrack, slap it on tv and pay the bleating sheep a nickel a post to tell you how awesome it is and especially how much they adore and need need need the song that's attached to it. 

Meanwhile, this steaming pile of manipulative crud is topped off with what looks for all the world like a guy racing his blue Acura to run down a woman tied to the train tracks before the train can finish the job.  I seriously have no idea what his plan was once he got to the tracks- it's like he's playing a video game and running over the girl is worth 250 points and an additional life.  And don't even get me started on how the woman he "saves" ends up the driver....because I don't want to think about this noxious nonsense anymore.  Jesus Acura, just show the damn car sitting in a dealership somewhere.  We already know that if you push the gas pedal, it will go forward.  We already know that if you turn the steering wheel, it will make the car go in different directions.   I know that a couple of film art majors are super-proud of this commercial, but that doesn't mean I'm required to appreciate it.  It's an f--ing car ad for an f--ng overpriced luxury automobile, period.  Get the hell over yourself.  

The Talking Bucket is the most believable part of this KFC ad

 https://youtu.be/prFbaLDMG_A

I mean, if the bucket is going to include gigantic pieces of nothing that looks like KFC which also remains overflowing no matter how many pieces are removed from it, that bucket might as well start talking because the commercial is already off the rails when it comes to realism.  Not to mention the gigantic piles of potatoes and gravy and five-inch tall biscuits that are practically falling off the plate.  Not to mention the dad agreeing that the $50 or so worth of food we see on the table is "a lot better than microwave hot dogs," which may be true but it's not like those are the only two dinner choices available to anyone.  If you're going to include all that, a talking bucket is downright ordinary.  

(I do like how, in one scene, two people are excitedly talking in the background instead of daring to attack the enormous mountain of chicken which absolutely dominates the screen- it looks more like a barrel than a bucket in MOST of this ad.  And the beautifully choreographed scene where the kid is clearly waiting for his cue to reach for a piece of not-chicken.  Seriously, was that the best take you could get, KFC?)