Aflac and the Church of the Duck. It's Just Go Away Time.

 

I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on in this commercial?  Why is Nick Saban pimping for insurance?  Why are these people so damned psyched about the insurance?  Is this a group interview?  Where are they going in that bus?  

Is this a cult? 

And what is it with the comments in YouTube- they are even more cringey than usual.  If you're over 20 years old, this duck bit predates you.  Back then, it was mildly amusing.  Then it became annoying.  Then it became played.  And then there were another 19 years, until we got to today....and this.

Seriously, who are these people and where are they going in that bus?  Am I going to read a tragic story about them in the papers in a few days? Am I going to see weepy interviews with their family members over the next several days about how their loved ones first got involved in what looked like a nice man in a blue blazer who kept talking about insurance and then slowly started to change, become more chirpy, couldn't stop talking about the nice man in the blue blazer and his pet duck and how they were late for the weekly Park Meeting?  Will a cauldron of Kool Aid be involved?  

Another Experian "Credit Boost" ad, this one with John Cena Because Reasons

 

 "You didn't get the credit card you wanted" deadpans the apparently stoned girl at the bar. "There's nothing I can do" answers the greasy creep she's with. Ah but then John Cena shows up on a horse (whatever) and tells the greasy creep that there IS something he can do- he can downloan an app and push a button and like magic erase part of the lousy but totally-accurate credit history that is keeping his FICA score down. 

 Wow, problem solved and now- as the video description tells us- he can get that credit card he obviously needs because it's not like debt-to-credit ratio has an impact on your credit score or anything. 

Allow me to step in here, Mr. Cena. Because as someone for whom a 709 credit score would be a cause for investigation into identity theft, I have a few pieces of actual advice for Mr. "there's nothing I can do" here: 

1. Don't buy what you don't need. Having money is not an excuse for spending money. 

2. If you have debt and you continue to buy, you are just borrowing more from your debtors. Let me put this in simpler terms for simpler people: When you owe someone money, and instead of paying that person back you buy something else, you are using that person's money to buy yourself something. There's no "debt money" and "fun money." Don't believe me? Owe someone money. You'll get it then. 

3. Pay your bills on time, every time. 

4. And this is most important- live within your means. If you don't like the way you are living on the money you have, strive to make more money. Don't play Let's Pretend with debt. That big-screen tv and nice car you can't afford on your low salary isn't fooling anyone. It's lipstick on a pig. I might add- stop looking for a quick, easy, magical solution to the problem you created for yourself. But being patient and willing to sacrifice for the long term has never been a popular message on tv OR in real life, so I don't know why I should even bother. I'd also like to suggest that the guy in this ad should probably be grateful he can't get another credit card since he clearly couldn't manage the ones he current has- but again, why bother?

Kaiser Permanente's "Thrive" Commercial makes me want to shop for funeral homes

 

 Pardon me for feeling more than a little attacked by these Kaiser Permanente "thrive" commercials which celebrate the fact that SEVERAL people throughout recent history actually accomplished some amazing things DESPITE the fact that they were (GASP! REALLY? I demand to see the raw data!) in their FIFTIES.

I can only assume that each of these people were consuming the blood of young virgins during weekly Satanic ceremonies or had simply sold their souls to the devil in exchange for the gift of unnatural powers at such advanced ages.  I mean, Ernest Hemingway WROTE A BOOK at the age of FIFTY-TWO?  Clearly SOME black magic was at work- everyone knows that the average person who has NOT made an unholy pact with a demon is barely capable of getting out of bed at FIFTY-TWO!

These Lincoln Christmas ads....I just can't....

This woman walks into her freaking palace and sees that her mother and father have arrived early (and had keys to the palace, apparently) and have brought farm animals with them for reasons I don't want to begin to contemplate. Her response is to turn around without a word and get back into her car. This is a commercial from last year. This year's version, which I just saw on tv but have yet to find available on YouTube, features what I'm pretty sure is the exact same woman walking into ANOTHER ridiculous McMansion to find her husband and children (gasp) HAVING FUN playing with toys under the Christmas tree. Once again, this completely breaks her spirit and sends her running back to the unquestioning, unthreatening comfort of her freaking Lincoln. This woman has a pimped-out car and fabulous house but her life isn't perfect because every time she tries to take a break from looking at her fricking phone she finds things happening in that house that she doesn't exactly like and (for some reason) simply can't deal with at the moment. It's like her family just doesn't give her the level of serenity and apprecation her Lincoln does, so she might as well just sit in her g-d d---ed car because it's her safe space and sanctuary from what to 99 percent of us looks like a pretty damned good life. Seriously, turn the key and just go away, you spoiled rotten idiot. Everyone else in these ads can do better, and deserves better, than your sorry pampered butt. (BTW, the title of this ad is "Christmas Wish List." What on Earth does this woman wish for? I suspect it's that everything else in her life that is not her car just vanishes and never returns. Which leaves me wondering something else: what would be on her family's wish list? I doubt it's very complimentary to her.)

Why do car commercials think that parking garages have 50 MPH speed limits?

So I guess this nasty piece of Eurotrash and his significant other didn't really have any plans to exit their car and actually do anything; the driver just wants to drive around agressively at dangerous speeds until he runs out of gas because he's obsessed with a car he likes to pretend is not a mid-level Nissan Blandmobile. If I were this woman, I'd be progressing from amused, to mildly irritated, to deeply concerned once I realize he was leaving the city limits and suddenly barelling through snow (seriously, how many miles out of town ARE they by the end of this ad?) In fact, I'd start to suspect that his ultimate plan was to bludgeon me to death and dump me in the woods so he could have more Alone Time with his freaking car.

Remember when life was Tacless?

 <iframe width="400" height="345" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bjGWWVLlkt8" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

https://youtu.be/bjGWWVLlkt8

Every time I turn around, there's another cheap piece of crap with the word "tac" tacked on to it (hey, that works...)  Tac lights, Tac Sunglasses, Tac portable chargers....and now "Tac Shavers."  As a very intelligent YouTube commentator (now that's a rarity) noted, we seem to be living in an era where just adding the letters "tac" to the As Seen on TV product is supposed to turn it from junk to Must-Have.

Because you never know when you'll be submerged in a swimming pool and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to shave.

Because you can't be asked to find time to shave while you're actually at home, so you need this thing sitting in your glove compartment so you can run it over your face while stuck in traffic or sitting in the parking lot of a box store or wherever.

Because your last ounce of awareness that you're living in a society died a long time ago (around the time you had that $5000 earthquake-causing Suburbs-Shattering sound system installed in your car because everyone within 20 miles should know the kind of music you like listening to at 2 AM) and you just don't give a flying damn what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's why you don't care if the people in the next lane see you shaving with one hand and staring at your cell phone with the other while you're supposed to be paying attention to the road (last week, a guy on the beltway was cruising along in the center lane at 30 MPH while propping a tablet against the steering wheel.  Because FU world, I guess.)  

Because you think "made with the needs of the military in mind" is a great argument to buy anything.  The customers of this product AREN'T in the military.  They don't need to be able to shave while standing in the pouring rain- I doubt they ever even need to shave while submerged in water.  I mean, what soldier is going to find himself in that situation and think "I need a shave?" anyway?  

Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier and shave your fricking face in your fricking house with a regular, house-bound razor, you morons.  

Another really awkward AT&T ad

 https://youtu.be/jL8aIJJhnVI

Watching this commercial for the first time, I really thought that one of two things was going to happen:

A.  The extremely uncomfortable-looking groom would admit that he desperately needed to urinate and excuse himself.   Seriously, the guy looks like he's going to explode and that the act of simply standing there is downright painful.  

B.  The bride, having taken a good, long look at her intended (perhaps for the first time?) realizes that he looks like a dyspeptic mannequin who looks about as enthusiastic about this whole thing as a miner entering the shaft elevator at 5 AM and maybe the MRS degree isn't worth what she thought it was. 

Either way, when the sassy black woman delivers the punchline, we are supposed to think it's HI-larious.  That part I know for SURE.