eTrade's bizarre "compromise" commercials

 

Here's a heartwarming commercial for eTrade featuring a jackass who is so obsessed with his freaking portfolio that he totally forgot that it's kind of his turn to take care of the kids he chose to create with his spouse.  So while they are so bored from total lack of interaction with their dad - and so desperate for his attention- that they are literally throwing (salt?) into the air while in the same room with him, he's still not going to be more than slightly distracted from his mad pursuit of money.

It's so bad, in fact, that the tagline "you've compromised enough" is included in this ad and, presumably, his thoughts.  I seriously don't know what this could possibly mean other than "your kids are crap pains in the royal ass, you can't even get your TrophyWife to take care of them while you are busy fulfilling your proper function in the home by managing your- excuse me, the family's- vast and growing fortune.  And you thought you had a deal!  I suspect that the next scene features this guy joining Trophywives.com to start arranging for an Updated version.  After all, You've Compromised EnoughTM. 

What?  Is there another way to interpret all this?

Burger King invites me to indulge in my mean side

You may call the following comment mean, but I prefer "to the point." Except for that first young woman, none of these people have any business being excited about getting two Whoppers for $5. Instead, they should be wondering why the universe (or, just Burger King) is conspiring to keep them morbidly obese future diabetes/heart attack victims. Because you know darn well they ain't sharing that extra thousand calories with ANYBODY and all that just happened is a slight improvement on the odds that there might be a little bit left by the time these land whales pull into their driveways and a slight decline in the odds that any of them will live to see their grandchildren. 

Healy: A TENS Unit with 50% more Woo

 

 I was in a car accident 17 years ago (hit from behind by a drunk driver.) Part of my physical therapy involved using a TENS unit on my back. At the time, TENS units were only available directly from licensed therapists- to get mine, I had to put down a refundable $200 deposit and pay $20 per month for the three months I had it. It was pretty easy to use, and I got good at placing the sticky electrode things just right to send pulses into my back and ease muscle pain.

Some years later, I found a TENS unit available through a pharmacy in England, where they let you buy them off the shelf because, after all, it's not medication, it's not addictive and it's not all about making the company that owns the TENS trademark rich.  It cost me $40.  It still works more than a decade later, though I've purchased a new one recently (from America, because times change) so I can have a set at home and in Vermont for when I visit (it can be a pain to get these things through airport security.)

Anyway, what about this thing which uses "vibrations" to "solve" (not cure) all kind of "issues" we can have with our bodies?  Well, the people who made this thing are being both super-clever and super-sleazy at the same time.  This item is, in fact, FDA Approved- as a TENS unit.  It doesn't read your chakras (because you don't have any) or align your feng shui (because that's nonsense, too.)  It just sends electrical impulses into your body.  Because that's what a TENS unit does.  But this thing runs upwards of TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That's something your everyday TENS unit does NOT do.  It doesn't cost you an arm and a leg.  This thing costs an arm, a leg and probably one of your ears.  For a TENS unit.  Come on!!

Aflac and the Church of the Duck. It's Just Go Away Time.

 

I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on in this commercial?  Why is Nick Saban pimping for insurance?  Why are these people so damned psyched about the insurance?  Is this a group interview?  Where are they going in that bus?  

Is this a cult? 

And what is it with the comments in YouTube- they are even more cringey than usual.  If you're over 20 years old, this duck bit predates you.  Back then, it was mildly amusing.  Then it became annoying.  Then it became played.  And then there were another 19 years, until we got to today....and this.

Seriously, who are these people and where are they going in that bus?  Am I going to read a tragic story about them in the papers in a few days? Am I going to see weepy interviews with their family members over the next several days about how their loved ones first got involved in what looked like a nice man in a blue blazer who kept talking about insurance and then slowly started to change, become more chirpy, couldn't stop talking about the nice man in the blue blazer and his pet duck and how they were late for the weekly Park Meeting?  Will a cauldron of Kool Aid be involved?  

Another Experian "Credit Boost" ad, this one with John Cena Because Reasons

 

 "You didn't get the credit card you wanted" deadpans the apparently stoned girl at the bar. "There's nothing I can do" answers the greasy creep she's with. Ah but then John Cena shows up on a horse (whatever) and tells the greasy creep that there IS something he can do- he can downloan an app and push a button and like magic erase part of the lousy but totally-accurate credit history that is keeping his FICA score down. 

 Wow, problem solved and now- as the video description tells us- he can get that credit card he obviously needs because it's not like debt-to-credit ratio has an impact on your credit score or anything. 

Allow me to step in here, Mr. Cena. Because as someone for whom a 709 credit score would be a cause for investigation into identity theft, I have a few pieces of actual advice for Mr. "there's nothing I can do" here: 

1. Don't buy what you don't need. Having money is not an excuse for spending money. 

2. If you have debt and you continue to buy, you are just borrowing more from your debtors. Let me put this in simpler terms for simpler people: When you owe someone money, and instead of paying that person back you buy something else, you are using that person's money to buy yourself something. There's no "debt money" and "fun money." Don't believe me? Owe someone money. You'll get it then. 

3. Pay your bills on time, every time. 

4. And this is most important- live within your means. If you don't like the way you are living on the money you have, strive to make more money. Don't play Let's Pretend with debt. That big-screen tv and nice car you can't afford on your low salary isn't fooling anyone. It's lipstick on a pig. I might add- stop looking for a quick, easy, magical solution to the problem you created for yourself. But being patient and willing to sacrifice for the long term has never been a popular message on tv OR in real life, so I don't know why I should even bother. I'd also like to suggest that the guy in this ad should probably be grateful he can't get another credit card since he clearly couldn't manage the ones he current has- but again, why bother?

Kaiser Permanente's "Thrive" Commercial makes me want to shop for funeral homes

 

 Pardon me for feeling more than a little attacked by these Kaiser Permanente "thrive" commercials which celebrate the fact that SEVERAL people throughout recent history actually accomplished some amazing things DESPITE the fact that they were (GASP! REALLY? I demand to see the raw data!) in their FIFTIES.

I can only assume that each of these people were consuming the blood of young virgins during weekly Satanic ceremonies or had simply sold their souls to the devil in exchange for the gift of unnatural powers at such advanced ages.  I mean, Ernest Hemingway WROTE A BOOK at the age of FIFTY-TWO?  Clearly SOME black magic was at work- everyone knows that the average person who has NOT made an unholy pact with a demon is barely capable of getting out of bed at FIFTY-TWO!

These Lincoln Christmas ads....I just can't....

This woman walks into her freaking palace and sees that her mother and father have arrived early (and had keys to the palace, apparently) and have brought farm animals with them for reasons I don't want to begin to contemplate. Her response is to turn around without a word and get back into her car. This is a commercial from last year. This year's version, which I just saw on tv but have yet to find available on YouTube, features what I'm pretty sure is the exact same woman walking into ANOTHER ridiculous McMansion to find her husband and children (gasp) HAVING FUN playing with toys under the Christmas tree. Once again, this completely breaks her spirit and sends her running back to the unquestioning, unthreatening comfort of her freaking Lincoln. This woman has a pimped-out car and fabulous house but her life isn't perfect because every time she tries to take a break from looking at her fricking phone she finds things happening in that house that she doesn't exactly like and (for some reason) simply can't deal with at the moment. It's like her family just doesn't give her the level of serenity and apprecation her Lincoln does, so she might as well just sit in her g-d d---ed car because it's her safe space and sanctuary from what to 99 percent of us looks like a pretty damned good life. Seriously, turn the key and just go away, you spoiled rotten idiot. Everyone else in these ads can do better, and deserves better, than your sorry pampered butt. (BTW, the title of this ad is "Christmas Wish List." What on Earth does this woman wish for? I suspect it's that everything else in her life that is not her car just vanishes and never returns. Which leaves me wondering something else: what would be on her family's wish list? I doubt it's very complimentary to her.)