One Boomer's take on these stupid Verizon Ads

 

1.  The random stupid smiling faces.  What the hell are you people on?  Oh, right- the drug called FaceTime.  You are so very sad.

2.  "I'm on my phone 24/7."  Again, said with a smile.  That's nothing to be happy about, you freaking idiot.  There's more to life than interacting with your phone.  Am I speaking a foreign language to you?  Well, what difference could that possibly make, as you're clearly already dead.  And you can't hear what I'm saying anyway, unless of course I'm talking to you over your phone, which you're thrilled to be on "24/7."  Pathetic. 

3.  "We're a big soccer family."  Wow, so YOU'RE the one.  Is this an attempt to sell Verizon's soccer package as a reason to buy it?  

4.  "Handmaid's Tale...."  I loved the book.  The series is pretty much the most boring thing that has ever been committed to television.  I mean, come on.  Logan's Run translated into a weekly series better than Handmaid's Tale.  And the television series Logan's Run was basically just Star Trek on Earth.  Didn't work.  Neither does Handmaid's Tale. 

5.  "I love Frozen...."  You know it's available on DVD, right?  You don't really need a service package from Verizon, or anyone else, to watch Frozen as many times as you want.  You need a DVD player.  

6.  The stupid forced diversity.  Who are these people?  Are they a family?  If not, why are they all there together gushing about how awesome it is to never be off their phones or be able to watch tv shows and movies on tiny screens?  These people are simultaneously sad and ever so punchable. 

KFC Holiday Commercial is Piping Dumb

 

This whole setup- the talking snowman that creepily looks like its been possessed by the spirit of Colonel Sanders (I guess that after decades of spinning in his grave during all of these awful ads, it's about TIME he emerged in SOME fashion,) the massive tray of fried oil, potatoes and poultry, the ridiculous (but typical) overflowing bucket of Much Better Looking Chicken Than Any You'll Actually Get at KFC on the top of that tray, and even the stupid girl who apparently is just going to stand out there holding this tray (which must weigh at least 20 lbs, 19 of which is grease....all of it is just par for the course for KFC ads.

It's especially insulting, however, that we keep getting fed this "piping hot" line like it's supposed to be clever and not a giant Mallet of Stupid being applied to our heads to make sure we get the HI-LARIOUS joke that I guess the little girl didn't take the pile of Mass-produced poison off the hands of the snowman fast enough 'cause LOL HE MELTED LOL!!

When is KFC going to figure out that while only kids really want to eat this noxious crap, it's adults who actually have to be persuaded to pay for it?  I wonder if it will be before this fading chain of once-iconic stores goes under for good.  Until then, I guess we better start wearing helmets, because here's another college football commercial break, and here comes another round of KFC Stupid....

Sears Automotive Center Commercial from the age before Computers slowed down the process to the glacial level

 

I really do love the fact that one guy here can't believe how cheap a muffler is "installed," as if he was thinking maybe the price being quoted was for the off-the-shelf muffler he would then be expected to install himself.  Yes, installed, you moron.

But the main reason why I'm posting this little gem of a classic ad today is because of a question I have for Sears Auto Center:  Why is it that no matter why I use your service, it takes the cashier fifteen minutes of typing like he's writing a book report on War and Peace and (from what I can tell) visits to at least half a dozen different screens before FINALLY telling me how much that service is going to cost?  Seriously- only at Sears do I know that the REAL wait begins after you get the "your car is ready" call.  That's the time when you have to take out your wallet, suck it in, and wait out the ridiculous tappity tappity tappity tap drama that results in two pages of technobabble featuring an x showing me where to sign so I can get the heck out of there already. 

Blinkist: Orwell would be so proud

 

If you're in a hurry, please just scroll down to the asterisk for the Blinkist version.

This woman brags that she reads "one hundred books a month" with Blinkist.  She can do this despite having a full-time job and all kinds of other things in her life.  She's super-proud that with Blinkist, she can read a hundred books a month.

So what exactly IS this amazing Blinkist thing? Well, I've been hearing radio ads for Blinkist involving a guy telling a girl all about the stars, and having the girl ask a perfectly human question that goes kind of like "gee, where'd you pick up all that learning?  Are you a magician or something?"  He responds with a commercial for Blinkist, a service which takes books and cuts out all the boring stuff like background and nuance and development (I know, you're nodding off already) and gets to whatever the program thinks the "most important points" are.  

Wait a minute- what if you think that other parts of the books are more important and/or interesting?  Well, who cares?  You want to enjoy reading, or do you want to get it over with?  You want to appreciate a book, or do you want to brag about how many you read?  I mean, seriously.  What's important here?

Well, the woman in that radio ad- and this YouTube ad- are super-impressed with the focus on quantity  over quality.  Especially since there are Netflix shows to binge-watch and other things that take up so many hours who has time to read, really?  Come to think of it, I bet there are Netflix documentaries about stars.  I can just watch one of those.  And so can this girl with dead, vacant eyes who is so proud to be living a Life By Cliff Notes. 

*Reading doubleplus ungood, Blinkist plusgood buy.

Lincoln Presents: The Worst Woman on the Planet

There's a whole series of Lincoln commercials featuring this horrible woman and they all have the same storyline:  She drives her $100,000 car up to her multi-million dollar suburban mansion, opens the door, sees something mildly irritating, sighs in despair, and runs back to the perfect world of her $100,000 car.

I'm sorry, but seriously- what the hell?  We've seen this woman horrified at finding her parents in her living room, her husband playing with her kids, and now her kids playing in an inflatable snow globe which (gasp, horrors!) knocks over a few ridiculous trinkets on the (no doubt imported) coffee table in her Just-For-Show-Don't-Touch-Anything "living room."  And she never reacts any differently:  horrified at seeing people she feels like she should recognize for some reason doing something other than sitting like porcelain figurines in a china cabinet, she turns right around and seeks the shelter of her One True Love:  Whichever version of Lincoln she happens to own THIS Christmas.

This woman has zero to complain about in her life, so the sight of other people enjoying themselves in HER house will have to suffice as a reason to have a minor nervous breakdown and a case of the vapors that only her Lincoln truly understands.  And she can use it's Bluetooth to call the Au Pair and ask why she isn't supervising those kids (only to find out that Au Pair had just stepped into the kitchen for a moment to baste the capons and open the wine to let it breathe.) 

I don't say this very often unironically, but:  check out the Comment section.  You know your commercial is bad when the great majority of YouTube commenters agree with my cynical, nasty take on your ad, Lincoln.  This woman is gross.  Her attitude is gross.  You're gross.  I'd say you are really giving Lexus and Audi a run for their money, but you'd probably take it as a compliment.  

My final word (no promises) on State Farm "Rodgers Rate" ads

 

Let's admit it.

None of us would be surprised if one of these Rodgers Rate ads included Aaron Rodgers stepping out of the shower and being handed a towel by his Not Personal Nothing Special Going on Here Just Happened to be Hanging Around State Farm Insurance salesman.  Not because he's Aaron Rodgers, of course, but because....um, all State Farm customers get this....um, service.  Right?

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time.  So before we get there....how about we move on from this particular bit, ok, State Farm?  Please?  

Oh, and on the off-chance that this is a slice of real life in some way: Jake, get some help. You're a grown man, not a starstruck teenaged girl. Stop acting like a Lifetime Movie villain. This is getting seriously creepy.

Nasty, yet totally necessary, observations concerning this Kaiser Permanente commercial

1. This woman and her daughter obviously don't live in this house. How do I know this? Well, there's a "baby don't touch that"moment featuring what looks to be a heavy, expensive vase that's almost within reach (and certainly very breakable for this nasty little girl if she manages to swat it out of its place.) If this woman and that child actually lived in this home, that vase would either be someplace else, or not exist. I mean, mom isn't watching this horrid little thing 24/7, is she? 2. Yay, her shoulder- probably injured by her demon spawn- is healing nicely. Good to know. 3. "But how are YOU doing?" to me translates into "have you gotten over your overwhelming urge to murder that kid of yours?" or at least "how are you managing with your stressful not-parenting of that ridiculously badly-behaved, out of control little cretin you share DNA with?" 4. Seriously, what an awful little kid. What an awful mom who is clearly incapable of handling that awful little kid. I hope this woman has a full package with Kaiser Permanente, because it looks like Mommy's Little Accident is going to be the cause of a lot of phone calls and a lot of paperwork before Mommy can legally boot her out of the house.