As near as I can figure from about 200 slight glances/half-listening to this commercial over the course of several football games, the guy in the ad is someone for whom English is a second language and common sense/brains larger than those of a turnip a foreign concept. He heard the phrase "there's money in your house" and proceeded to take a hammer to the walls of the home he inexplicably manages to own (I suspect that the woman we also see following him around with a bemused but otherwise "whatever, he's a guy and I was approaching thirty" look on her face might have something to do with that.)
This woman's response to seeing her Clearly Acquired out of Desperation spouse knocking holes in the wall looking for money (instead of looking for the orchestra he thought was in there whenever the doorbell rang, I suppose) is to whip out her phone and refinance....um...because I guess she suddenly needs to hold on to more of her money (I no longer believe this guy has anything to do with the household income because...come on.) This is all supposed to be cute and what we are supposed to get out of it is how easy it is to refinance with Rocket Mortgage. Frankly, the commercial would make infinitely more sense if it was an ad for a legal firm promoting how easy it is to file for divorce.
Ok, ok, stop me if you've heard this one: "Two ridiculously wealthy, entitled, middle-aged douchenozzles walk into a brokerage for a private sit-down with their personal Fidelity Investments advisor, and....
Oh, you've heard this one. Sorry."
Seriously, what the actual hell? Mr. Hair Gel and his Artist Wife, who look to be maybe 60 but either already retired (and constantly playing with their investments) or a one-income household- either way, with money to burn- have the luxury of turning their plans on a dime because they've got such a ridiculously large portfolio that it simply doesn't matter which basket they place some of it in. You just know that these are the kind of people who cluck "money doesn't mean that much to us" while balancing themselves on that mountain of cash. You also know (I mean, just LOOK at them) that neither has done one day of actual hard labor in their entire lives to earn any of that vast fortune.
They are so well-acquainted with their Fidelity Money Manipulator that they can mention that "Audrey is having twins" and she'll immediately connect that to mean "you're going to be grandparents. Please, sit down in these comfy chairs- the schoolteacher with $150,000 in her 401(k) who has an appointment for right now can wait in the lobby." And they are so disgustingly entitled that they can stroll past a new condo, see that Lofts Are Available, and decide "hey, we should buy one of these so we can be closer to those twins. Time to drop in on Our Girl at Fidelity again to shift some Wealth around, again."
(It would have been at least SOMEWHAT relatable if the Fidelity woman had reacted to "change of plans" with "so....you AREN'T going to be setting as much as you thought aside for those twins? Going to buy a loft instead?" But that wasn't going to happen- these jackanapes have more than enough money for college funds AND lofts- and hair gel, and Grandma's painting hobby, and every freaking other thing they happen to glance at or think about- thank you very much.)
This would be disgusting at any time, but it's soooo much more aggravating during what is for millions of Americans the close of the most stressful year in a generation. So many people are wondering if they are going to be able to pay for utilities, health care, food- let alone presents for the kids next week, if they are going to return to work in the near future, if the government is going to provide them some financial relief as a bridge to better days....and they turn on the tv to see THIS putrid garbage, along with December to Remember Sales Events ads....hey Fidelity, could you maybe make ONE commercial that doesn't feature rich people having fun with their money, because that's pretty much ALL WE SEE between Thanksgiving and New Year's as it is....?
I'm sorry, but if you get angry at your father for not knowing how to use the video sharing feature on smart phone to the point that you are using lines like "you've compromised enough this year," I think it's time to look into some anger management sessions.
I mean, come on. I can just see this guy having a conversation with his dad- "I was being nice to you last year. I didn't even murder someone when you didn't immediately know how to use video sharing, even though I wanted to, because I use eTrade which means I don't believe in compromising. But I'm done compromising. The next time you fail to use your phone correctly, we are cutting ties and you will not be seeing your grandson again."
What the hell? This is the best eTrade's marketing partner could come up with when asked to think up a "no compromise" situation? This is just stupid. With all of the First World "problems" I could think of, this is the most First Worldish. Your dad isn't asking for rent money or to move in with you, you ugly jerk. He's having some slight difficulty learning to use a feature on a phone he isn't used to. Calm down, can the attitude and take a chill pill.
1. Ok, so I guess the idea here is that what people really miss in 2020 is "togetherness." So the company that has been selling social isolation as a good thing when it's fostered by addiction to electronics is going to suddenly go All In on "Togetherness" as a thing that can be boxed up and delivered by Santa.
2. I'm going to be charitable and assume that the total lack of masks throughout this ad is the product of all of these scenes being Happy Memories of Better Times which are being packaged by the Magic of Santa etc.
3. Don't worry, Disgustingly Rich Entitled Suburban Twats: This "togetherness" campaign isn't aimed at you. Santa's still going to be dropping expensive luxury cars in front of YOUR houses. The smell of cookies and Auntie's cheek pinches are just fine for those other losers. You know that that it's not really anything like a "greatest gift" unless the words Audi, Lexus or BMW are emblazoned on the front.
1. The random stupid smiling faces. What the hell are you people on? Oh, right- the drug called FaceTime. You are so very sad.
2. "I'm on my phone 24/7." Again, said with a smile. That's nothing to be happy about, you freaking idiot. There's more to life than interacting with your phone. Am I speaking a foreign language to you? Well, what difference could that possibly make, as you're clearly already dead. And you can't hear what I'm saying anyway, unless of course I'm talking to you over your phone, which you're thrilled to be on "24/7." Pathetic.
3. "We're a big soccer family." Wow, so YOU'RE the one. Is this an attempt to sell Verizon's soccer package as a reason to buy it?
4. "Handmaid's Tale...." I loved the book. The series is pretty much the most boring thing that has ever been committed to television. I mean, come on. Logan's Run translated into a weekly series better than Handmaid's Tale. And the television series Logan's Run was basically just Star Trek on Earth. Didn't work. Neither does Handmaid's Tale.
5. "I love Frozen...." You know it's available on DVD, right? You don't really need a service package from Verizon, or anyone else, to watch Frozen as many times as you want. You need a DVD player.
6. The stupid forced diversity. Who are these people? Are they a family? If not, why are they all there together gushing about how awesome it is to never be off their phones or be able to watch tv shows and movies on tiny screens? These people are simultaneously sad and ever so punchable.
This whole setup- the talking snowman that creepily looks like its been possessed by the spirit of Colonel Sanders (I guess that after decades of spinning in his grave during all of these awful ads, it's about TIME he emerged in SOME fashion,) the massive tray of fried oil, potatoes and poultry, the ridiculous (but typical) overflowing bucket of Much Better Looking Chicken Than Any You'll Actually Get at KFC on the top of that tray, and even the stupid girl who apparently is just going to stand out there holding this tray (which must weigh at least 20 lbs, 19 of which is grease....all of it is just par for the course for KFC ads.
It's especially insulting, however, that we keep getting fed this "piping hot" line like it's supposed to be clever and not a giant Mallet of Stupid being applied to our heads to make sure we get the HI-LARIOUS joke that I guess the little girl didn't take the pile of Mass-produced poison off the hands of the snowman fast enough 'cause LOL HE MELTED LOL!!
When is KFC going to figure out that while only kids really want to eat this noxious crap, it's adults who actually have to be persuaded to pay for it? I wonder if it will be before this fading chain of once-iconic stores goes under for good. Until then, I guess we better start wearing helmets, because here's another college football commercial break, and here comes another round of KFC Stupid....
I really do love the fact that one guy here can't believe how cheap a muffler is "installed," as if he was thinking maybe the price being quoted was for the off-the-shelf muffler he would then be expected to install himself. Yes, installed, you moron.
But the main reason why I'm posting this little gem of a classic ad today is because of a question I have for Sears Auto Center: Why is it that no matter why I use your service, it takes the cashier fifteen minutes of typing like he's writing a book report on War and Peace and (from what I can tell) visits to at least half a dozen different screens before FINALLY telling me how much that service is going to cost? Seriously- only at Sears do I know that the REAL wait begins after you get the "your car is ready" call. That's the time when you have to take out your wallet, suck it in, and wait out the ridiculous tappity tappity tappity tap drama that results in two pages of technobabble featuring an x showing me where to sign so I can get the heck out of there already.
