Bud Light's Cardboard Idiot, and the mouth-breathers who love him

 

This commercial, which runs for two minutes which feel like at least six, is the perfect example of a cute idea translating perfectly into a twenty or thirty second ad but instead dragged out and beaten until every ounce of charm has been drained.  Seriously, it's one joke- the doofus with the idiot look on his face and zero taste in beer is a cardboard cutout because Illness That Shall Not Be Mentioned.  The cardboard cutout gets up and-moves around, for some reason.  The expression on the cutout never changes, of course, so the guy is doomed to be recalled looking like a clueless doof in search for crappy low-calorie beer. 

And then the cutout leaves the stadium, goes down the street, gets on a bus (I guess, I seem to remember that, not watching it again) and does all this other stuff while I guess (judging from the YouTube Comments) half of America just loses control of its bowels with mirth or at the very least rushes to the internet to express admiration and appreciation for this Amazing Ad Should Have Debuted During the Super Bowl It's So Awesome. 

In the end, the cutout shows up at the actual guy's house for Reasons.  I don't know why and I don't want to think about it anymore, except that at this point I really wish the commercial had turned into a take-off on Us and the cardboard cutout had just brutally murdered the actual guy and taken his place.   Now that would have been worthy of an appreciative comment.  This meandering, padded two minutes of pointless crap?  Not so much. 

Dollops of Dumb

 

"Um, mom? Why did you just stick sour cream on my nose?"

"It's a really stupid tradition, but most traditions are.  My grandmother smeared this crap on my mom's face, and she smeared it on my face, and we all thought it was idiotic but for some reason we keep doing it anyway, so here you go, some sour cream on your nose Because Reasons."

"Um, ok....but the bride and groom smashing cake into each other's faces is a stupid tradition too, but when I got married we didn't do that..."

"I know, and the family is still mumbling about it behind your back.  They wonder if you were adopted."

"I wish I was." 

The message of the Mercedes Benz "Plushie" ad(s)

 

I'm going to ignore the fact that this plushie thing is drawn to the almost religious majesty of the Mercedes Benz just sitting in its glorious isolation in the middle of a crappy trucker's diner parking lot (which is absolutely where you'd expect to find a Mercedes Benz.)

Instead, let's look at the real moral of the story:  Hey, kids:  If you find yourself walking out of a greasy spoon diner heading back to your Mercedes Benz and you see what looks like a dirty, limp wounded animal in the road, you should immediately pick it up and hold it next to your face.  Then you should take it home with you. 

Keep in mind, you should only do these things if your parents are the owners of a Mercedes Benz and you live in a magical world where absolutely everything is perfect and nothing that happens to Real People living on the Real Planet Earth could ever happen to you.   If you attempt this and you aren't one of those people, please drop by the nearest Emergency Room on your way home for your rabies shots or, at the very least, salmonella treatments. 

In short, my advice to 99 percent of people out there:  Do Not Attempt.  And my advice to the other One Percent:  Please, Attempt Away.  Pick up that dirty, injured little living thing.*  Go for it.  Nothing bad could ever happen to you.

*Yes, I know it's just supposed to be an abandoned toy and this is all supposed to be super-heartwarming because a piece of cheap fabric stuffed with rags has Found a New Home with some rich kid whose mom will be throwing it back into the trash inside of a week when that kid has lost interest in that wet, dirty, germy thing she found in the parking lot.  Sure doesn't work for me, though.  Especially when it's so easy to imagine some kid watching this and trying to rescue that sweet little injured raccoon with the cute eyes daddy ran over with the Lincoln Navigator while on his way to the brokerage this morning. 

Quickle, Go into debt for the holidays!

 

Eighteen seconds in, the hyped-up-for-zero-reason narrator becomes slightly more socially responsible and suggests that quick-approval, crippling-interest-rate loans are a thing that exists if you find yourself in a dire financial emergency.  But that's eighteen seconds in- which means it comes AFTER he's grabbed you with the stunningly irresponsible idea that putting gifts you can't afford under the tree in order to fool your family into thinking that you are financially secure is a totally normal thing anyone who finds themselves short of cash just before Christmas should Obviously be doing because hey, Christmas. 

That's all I've got, because man, this is just so sad.  And probably a hell of a lot more relatable than any of those Lexus December to Remember ads featuring luxury cars with bows or Lincoln ads featuring women fleeing palaces to sit in their cars or even Toyota ads featuring little children encouraging their mommies to just go ahead and buy a new car because it caught their eye as they were walking past the showroom.  Certainly more relatable at the close of the Worst Year Ever for many, many of us.  Good riddance, 2020, which unfortunately did not mark the beginning of regular financial peril for millions of hard-working Americans, just a significant boost in their ranks.  I'd like to think we'll do better in 2021, but other than saying goodbye to the Disease that Shall Not Be Mentioned, it's more likely that the situation depicted in this ad is just going to be remain the Old Normal for way too many of us. 

Rocket Mortgage treats the viewers like children, again

 

As near as I can figure from about 200 slight glances/half-listening to this commercial over the course of several football games, the guy in the ad is someone for whom English is a second language and common sense/brains larger than those of a turnip a foreign concept.  He heard the phrase "there's money in your house" and proceeded to take a hammer to the walls of the home he inexplicably manages to own (I suspect that the woman we also see following him around with a bemused but otherwise "whatever, he's a guy and I was approaching thirty" look on her face might have something to do with that.)

This woman's response to seeing her Clearly Acquired out of Desperation spouse knocking holes in the wall looking for money (instead of looking for the orchestra he thought was in there whenever the doorbell rang, I suppose) is to whip out her phone and refinance....um...because I guess she suddenly needs to hold on to more of her money (I no longer believe this guy has anything to do with the household income because...come on.)  This is all supposed to be cute and what we are supposed to get out of it is how easy it is to refinance with Rocket Mortgage.  Frankly, the commercial would make infinitely more sense if it was an ad for a legal firm promoting how easy it is to file for divorce. 

These Fidelity Ads make me long for fingernails across a chalkboard

Ok, ok, stop me if you've heard this one:  "Two ridiculously wealthy, entitled, middle-aged douchenozzles walk into a brokerage for a private sit-down with their personal Fidelity Investments advisor, and....

Oh, you've heard this one.  Sorry."

Seriously, what the actual hell?  Mr. Hair Gel and his Artist Wife, who look to be maybe 60 but either already retired (and constantly playing with their investments) or a one-income household- either way, with money to burn- have the luxury of turning their plans on a dime because they've got such a ridiculously large portfolio that it simply doesn't matter which basket they place some of it in.  You just know that these are the kind of people who cluck "money doesn't mean that much to us" while balancing themselves on that mountain of cash.  You also know (I mean, just LOOK at them) that neither has done one day of actual hard labor in their entire lives to earn any of that vast fortune.

They are so well-acquainted with their Fidelity Money Manipulator that they can mention that "Audrey is having twins" and she'll immediately connect that to mean "you're going to be grandparents.  Please, sit down in these comfy chairs- the schoolteacher with $150,000 in her 401(k) who has an appointment for right now can wait in the lobby."  And they are so disgustingly entitled that they can stroll past a new condo, see that Lofts Are Available, and decide "hey, we should buy one of these so we can be closer to those twins.  Time to drop in on Our Girl at Fidelity again to shift some Wealth around, again."

(It would have been at least SOMEWHAT relatable if the Fidelity woman had reacted to "change of plans" with "so....you AREN'T going to be setting as much as you thought aside for those twins?  Going to buy a loft instead?"  But that wasn't going to happen- these jackanapes have more than enough money for college funds AND lofts- and hair gel, and Grandma's painting hobby, and every freaking other thing they happen to glance at or think about- thank you very much.)

This would be disgusting at any time, but it's soooo much more aggravating during what is for millions of Americans the close of the most stressful year in a generation.  So many people are wondering if they are going to be able to pay for utilities, health care, food- let alone presents for the kids next week, if they are going to return to work in the near future, if the government is going to provide them some financial relief as a bridge to better days....and they turn on the tv to see THIS putrid garbage, along with December to Remember Sales Events ads....hey Fidelity, could you maybe make ONE commercial that doesn't feature rich people having fun with their money, because that's pretty much ALL WE SEE between Thanksgiving and New Year's as it is....?

One of eTrade's rather ridiculous "no compromises" ads

 

I'm sorry, but if you get angry at your father for not knowing how to use the video sharing feature on smart phone to the point that you are using lines like "you've compromised enough this year," I think it's time to look into some anger management sessions.

I mean, come on.  I can just see this guy having a conversation with his dad- "I was being nice to you last year.  I didn't even murder someone when you didn't immediately know how to use video sharing, even though I wanted to, because I use eTrade which means I don't believe in compromising.  But I'm done compromising.  The next time you fail to use your phone correctly, we are cutting ties and you will not be seeing your grandson again."

What the hell?  This is the best eTrade's marketing partner could come up with when asked to think up a "no compromise" situation?  This is just stupid.  With all of the First World "problems" I could think of, this is the most First Worldish.  Your dad isn't asking for rent money or to move in with you, you ugly jerk.  He's having some slight difficulty learning to use a feature on a phone he isn't used to.  Calm down, can the attitude and take a chill pill.  

That Is All.