The dad in this commercial might be thinking "I should make sure my kids are keeping up," but he's way too busy checking the status of his stock portfolio on his phone for the 800th time today. And TrophyWife isn't any more concerned that they might be walking a bit too fast for the kids she produced- she needs to stay close to her Meal Ticket and make sure his eye isn't wandering away from that phone.
The kids? Well, the sooner they learn the harsh reality of this dog-eat-dog life, the better. It's kill or be killed, people. Everybody has to pull their own weight- especially that little boy. The odds that HE can grow up to be a TrophyWife are considerably longer than those of his sisters, after all.
"Puts a layer between your skin and surfaces..." Um, yeah. Because they are gloves. Oh, excuse me: "Hand Protectors."
But these aren't just any old (gloves) that do what gloves do (put a layer between your skin and surfaces.) THESE gloves contain COPPER, which we all know (the way we know everything: from TV) has magical properties that fix arthritis pain. And since the connection between arthritis pain and easily-transmittable surface-contact illnesses is also well-documented (somewhere, don't have time to look it up right now) the utility of these CopperFit Gloves is pretty obvious, don't you think?
What? This is just another stupid Buy It Because You're a Medieval-Minded Idiot who thinks Copper is Magic tv ad? Heresy! Just buy it! In fact, do what one guy in the YouTube comments did- buy TWO pairs, "just to be safe." Safe from what? Shut up, that's why! Like I said, just BUY IT!
I do not, however, suggest that you follow the throwaway advice from another YouTube commentator and warm them in your microwave- unless you want to test if these things really do contain actual copper. Because if they do contain Magic, Illness-Eradicating Copper- or any other metal- I don't think your microwave is going to react very well to them. I wonder if the idiot who posted that is just being a malicious troll?
Know how I avoid all this hassle? By not having one of these things in my house to begin with...
Meanwhile, listening to all the disgusting, noisy, smelly crap dog owners have to put up with unless they are willing to shell out tons of money on "special" food like Dinovite and grooming products- and then listening to the excitement in their voice as they describe how living with a still-disgusting, still-noisy but slightly less smelly dog is a tiny bit more bearable now that they've shelled out that money does nothing but cement my determination never to burden myself with a dog, a cat, or any other mammal that won't eventually learn how to buy it's own food and take care of itself. Even then- cripes, they'd still be taking up room I could be using.
Back to that excitement that goes along with spelling out DINOVITE- good lord, what is the matter with you people. I will never understand. To each his own...but since I like to provide an actual public service from time to time, here is some information about Dinovite you won't find in their obnoxious commercials:
Someday, someone will have to explain to me how auto-refill for things easily obtained at any local drug or grocery store became so popular. Are people really so busy that keeping up with the purchase of toothbrushes, toothpaste, razor blades etc. is a major hassle? Or do ads like this just con people into believing that something they THOUGHT was easy actually IS a major hassle that they've always suffered in silence but now don't have to Because Check Out This Super-Convenient (and absolutely, once you read between the lines, Super Expensive) auto-ship option??
I have coffee, cat food (small bags, not those obnoxious, delivery-man-back-breaking 50lb-ers from Chewy) and cat treats sent to my mother in rural Vermont every month because there are times when it's hard for her to get out, especially this time of year (it's snowing like crazy as I type this.) I don't have anything auto-shipped to me, because I walk past grocery stores pretty much every single day. I seriously never realized that I was draining my life away buying razors, blades, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc. but according to this Quilp.com ad the chance to get floss auto-shipped on a regular basis would be a real lifesaver. Three things are far more likely for anyone who signs up with Quilp, Harry's razors, or any other Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We'll Take Care of the Rest auto-ship companies:
1. You find yourself stockpiling the junk as soon as it arrives, because you haven't even started using the stuff that came LAST time yet, and/or
2. You find yourself eventually noticing that "convenience" nowhere near makes up for the ridiculous shipping charges, and/or
3. You spend more time negotiating the Cancel Auto-Ship labyrinth than you ever did just walking into your local CVS and picking up what you needed on your way home from work.
The first step to avoiding this nonsense is getting over the idea that you are so busy and your life is sooo full with work and other responsibilities that there's no way you'll ever manage to get yourself to a drug store like the Less Important People with leisure time do. Maybe take a moment of reflection in between episodes of whatever your currently binge-watching on Netflix to notice you aren't QUITE as overwhelmed with Other Things as you thought you were and maybe it really IS possible for you to get your sorry, lazy self to the freaking store and buy toothpaste once a month or so??
Somebody much smarter than I am will have to explain to me how this kind of Jim Crow/Stepin Fetchit Minstrel show caricature is at all helpful to anyone, including anyone interested in purchasing insurance.
I mean, I can easily imagine rednecks thoroughly enjoying commercials like this, nodding appreciatively at the "accurate" depiction of black people as grinning, dancing idiots who jump at every opportunity to perform for the overwhelmingly white audience. So I guess I kind of answered my own question- it's helpful in reinforcing stereotypes?
I guess it's also helpful to Tag Team, which picks up what I'm sure is a welcome paycheck and a reminder that they existed on the radio (and everywhere else) with that One Song Using the term Song Very Very Loosely back in 1993. Hey, thirty years is a long time to go without a number anyone cares to listen to, let alone one that inexplicably became a hit because headaches were really popular in the first year of the Clinton Administration.
But if I'm a black person in the United States, I find this all to be very, very UNhelpful in multiple ways. Do I have to keep explaining why?
1. "Did you know that the government has printed six trillion dollars in paper money? That's an excellent reason to take some of YOUR paper money and use it to buy physical gold and silver, which in hard times you can trade in for some of that paper money you originally used to buy gold and silver, because at no point in the future will vendors ever refuse to take paper money in exchange for goods, but it's kind of hard to imagine a time when you'll get to dictate how many gold ingots you'll be parting with in exchange for a gallon of gasoline and a loaf of bread."
2. "It's super-important that you have precious metals as part of your portfolio, because unlike other investments, they provide no actual benefit to companies which hire employees, purchase technology, or, come to think of it, do anything to make the world a better place. It's basically as socially beneficial as burying your money in a coffee can. Remarkably similar growth potential, too!"
3. "Gold and Silver are wonderfully difficult to trace methods of paying off those pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, mistresses, and other annoyances you can't conveniently eliminate through the use of hired assassins once your cushy FOX gig is threatened. What? This isn't a common problem? FINE! F--K IT THEN! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!"
Seriously, I don't know why the narrator doesn't just say "here's a bunch of artsy still shots of people you know- and who have money coming out of their ears- and the Apple Laptops they can afford because they have money coming out of their ears. And oh, we're also going to include a smiling, gap-toothed kid and maybe a muppet or two- you know, to make this even remotely relatable to 99 percent of the viewing audience."
All presented in glorious black and white, of course- because these have to be super-artsy and when you have absolutely zero ideas, black and white photos is how you present yourself as super-artsy.
I AM pretty sure I know why comments are turned off for this particular video. I don't think my take on these "rich people are better than you because they use these toys that you can't afford, losers" commercials is particularly unique. Not that Apple gives a damn what us non-geniuses with out One Size Fits All Inferior Dell setups think. We are NOT the audience for the insufferable entitlement being celebrated in these steaming piles of self-congratulation posing as what I THINK are MacBook Pro ads.
